Brow Beating

by Marinka on October 28, 2009

I’ve hesitated about today’s post because it sounds unbelievable.  And in light of some people lying on their blogs, I fear that we’re all suspect.  But I’m hoping you realize that if I were going to lie, I would lie about something more important.  Like an alien abduction.  Of my crock pot.

Mama  telephoned me on Friday.

“I can tell you not what I have been through,” she says.

“It’s a good one!” I hear papa on her end of the phone, laughing.

“I had eyebrow appointment.  My gentle Maura was not there and some woman I did not like was there in her place.  As soon as they say I go with unpleasant woman, I thought uh-oh, this is it. Like Michael Jackson.”

“What does it have to do with Michael Jackson?” I ask.

“Because movie coming out, This is It about last Michael Jackson concert rehearsal,” Mama explained patiently, before continuing.  Mama is a big Michael Jackson fan, although she likes to specify that she just likes his music, not his molesting children.  (Mama told me in the past that she doesn’t understand how anyone can molest children since they are usually covered in snot and are whiny.  And then I’d say things like “well, not ALL children! Some are very well behaved and clean!”  which makes it sound like I’m arguing in favor of child mol’estation and I’m totally not. I just don’t like generalizations.  Or agreeing with my mother.)

But back to our story.

“So she lays me down on the bench and places her elbow on my breast for support,” she says, “And then as she’s tweezing, her fingers dangle in my mouth, which is disgusting.”

“I saw the stars,” she tells me.  “The pain was not bearable and now I have look like whore with tiny lines for eyebrows and expression of mistrust.”

“You should have asked her if she could do my mashonka,” I hear papa say.

“What’s mashonka?” I ask.

“What’s mashonka?!” mama asks.   I’m sure making the best of her quizzical eyebrows.  It distresses mama whenever she realizes that my Russian has gaping holes in it.

“You know, mashonka is teabags.”

“What?”

“SCROTUM!” my father yells in the background.

OMG.

A few months ago when some people were planning “teabag parties” as a sign of tax protest,  mama asked why some other people found it humorous and I was forced to explain what teabagging meant outside of the Boston Tea Parties.

The explanation went something like this. “You know, it’s when a guy takes his testicles and slaps the wo-” and mama said “okay, I now have understanding.”

But because she didn’t let me finish, I don’t think that she does have understanding.

Although I’m not going to be the one to explain it to her.

One year ago ...

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Ashlie- Mommycosm
Twitter:
October 28, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Oh, my. You’re parents are hilarious. Can totally see where you get your sense of humor. LOL.
.-= Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..Mommycosm’s Smashing Pumpkintini =-.

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JulieBouf October 28, 2009 at 1:15 pm

O.M.G. What isn’t your life a sitcom yet?
.-= JulieBouf´s last blog ..What are Little Boys Made Of? =-.

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JulieBouf October 28, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Wow, I love how my too quick typing makes my sentence structure look just like your Mama and Papa’s.
.-= JulieBouf´s last blog ..What are Little Boys Made Of? =-.

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Marinka October 28, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Are the you implies that mama and the papa are illiterate? Just wait until I tell the them.
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Brow Beating =-.

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Laura October 28, 2009 at 1:58 pm

I am laughing so hard, I can’t even type a comment…..
.-= Laura´s last blog ..To Be or Not to Be… =-.

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Sophie October 28, 2009 at 2:04 pm

I totally shared this on FB.
Also, on similar note, the entire day I thought I finally managed to control my weak bladder problem (“I am after birth, you know. Baby will be celebrating his second birthday next month”). Well, apparently, I didn’t. Got to change my pants again.

NO! I don’t know why I thought it’s similar note. I just wanted to share my incontinance with the world.

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Marinka October 28, 2009 at 11:08 pm

It’s not a “weak bladder”. It’s a differently strengthened bladder.

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Sophie October 29, 2009 at 2:31 am

Thank you for your kindness. You are truely a sweet, caring woman. 🙂

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Sheila October 28, 2009 at 2:22 pm

Way too funny! Love it!
.-= Sheila´s last blog ..Diary of a stinky, stinky cast =-.

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christy October 28, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Too funny — and I am innocent (prude? live in an igloo?) I didn’t get the reference re: tea until you just explained it. I had no idea. Egads.
.-= christy´s last blog ..A giggling fooster =-.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
October 28, 2009 at 2:42 pm

“Mama told me in the past that she doesn’t understand how anyone can molest children since they are usually covered in snot and are whiny.”

HILARIOUS.

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Vicki
Twitter:
October 28, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Out of all the remarkable things in this story, what I need to know is this: do your parents talk to you in English on the phone and vice versa? This is important for me when obtaining a full mental picture of your household. If yes, kudos to all of you. I can’t say a sentence to my mom in English before she launches into, “I’ve been speaking English all day and you’re giving me a headache-speak Russian! because I can’t understand you and would you really want your mom to have a headache due to your not speaking Russian and by the way, are you pregnant yet?” So, thank you.
.-= Vicki´s last blog ..Guest Post: Halloween and Pippi Longstocking…and Jews =-.

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Marinka October 28, 2009 at 11:10 pm

My parents and I speak in Russian to each other. The only time that mama will speak to me in English is when she is shopping at Filene’s Basement, because she doesn’t want to appear suspicious to the salespeople there.

Why would you want to headache your mother by speaking English? After everything that she’d done for you.

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CSY October 28, 2009 at 3:05 pm

Your Mama and Papa are AWESOME!!! If you ever get tired of them, I’ll trade my kids for your parents ANY day!
.-= CSY´s last blog ..From My Mom… =-.

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gingela5 October 28, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Wow, this is funny, mainly because I JUST had to explain what teabagging was to my MOTHER-IN-LAW this past weekend. Talk about awkward. Needless to say there were a lot of air quotes used in that description!
.-= gingela5´s last blog ..Wow, I’m Bad At This… =-.

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Wendi
Twitter:
October 28, 2009 at 3:39 pm

“Now I look like whore…with expression of mistrust.”

I just found my new tagline.

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traci October 28, 2009 at 4:03 pm

Wondering if there is a section in the Times for mail order Russian parents. For the comedic relief, you know?
.-= traci´s last blog ..A Few Mentionables. =-.

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Maureen@IslandRoar October 28, 2009 at 4:07 pm

How did I get to be 48 years old and not know what “teabagging” was. I drink tea; I love tea. I feel so naive, so used, so like your mama.
Maybe you should start a sex ed class. For adults.
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..A Time To Frost =-.

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Carabee October 28, 2009 at 5:12 pm

That. Is. Awesome. And I totally love your parents. I can’t even imagine why your papa would want to have this brute have at his mashonka, but HILARIOUS!
.-= Carabee´s last blog ..Farmer Soph =-.

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anna see October 28, 2009 at 10:23 pm

i always learn something new from you, marinka. not sure i wanted to learn about teabagging, but i can’t erase the image from my mind.

“now i look like whore with tiny eyebrows and expression of mistrust “– gotta love mama!
.-= anna see´s last blog ..Seek And Ye Shall Find =-.

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always home and uncool
Twitter:
October 29, 2009 at 8:07 am

I hope I never need to explain teabagging to my mother.
.-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..Conditions May Be Slippery =-.

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Holli October 29, 2009 at 9:57 am

I think you could sell your family as a sitcom concept…
.-= Holli´s last blog ..Girl in the box =-.

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MommyGeekology
Twitter:
October 29, 2009 at 1:49 pm

I remember the first time someone explained teabagging to me. Actually, strange that I remember that and I don’t remember my mother explaining menstruation to me. I think I’m wrong in the head.
.-= MommyGeekology´s last blog ..Vignette: The Married Mom & Body Image =-.

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Janet October 29, 2009 at 1:54 pm

I’m dying. I choked on my ham sandwich and almost, literally, died, because I was laughing so hard. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while, seriously, your parents make the best blog posts in the universe.

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blognut
Twitter:
October 29, 2009 at 10:37 pm

I love your mama and papa. Will they adopt me?
.-= blognut´s last blog ..Death by PowerPoint =-.

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jessica October 31, 2009 at 5:44 pm

TMI, TMI, TMI
.-= jessica´s last blog ..If it helps…. =-.

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anymommy October 31, 2009 at 11:39 pm

I cannot stop laughing…and I was so distressed that your mama knew the term teabag and so relieved that it was only because you told her.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..10/31/09 =-.

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