Don’t Take This The Wrong Way, But It’s All Your Fault

by Marinka on March 1, 2010

Last week I was over at Aiming Low, reading  Barefoot Foodie’s post about how some fucking bitch called her fat on Facebook.  Being a recent survivor of having gained 20 pounds myself, I felt her pain.  And then I read the comments to that post. I read how she was embraced through virtual hugs and how everyone did their best to make sure that she knew that she was adored and loved and beautiful.

And then I returned to my own comments.  Surely, a similar life-affirming, ego-boosting experience was awaiting me.

Thanks, peajaye! Thank you for pouring salt on Husbandrinka’s wounds as he mourns the loss of his beloved day planner. A day planner that weighed 20 pounds, according to Peajaye math.

And right on cue, here is Wendi, implying that I am carrying Kelcey‘s twins. Nice, right? Supportive. I have a feeling that I knew Wendi in high school.

Yes, of course, Traci. The comments were not complete without a reference to cannibalism.

So, to review, Brittany gets ((hugs)) and I get accused of eating small children.   Which is doubly offensive because I’d blogged about the horror that my relatives had to go through during the Siege of Leningrad, when food was scarce and some people really did eat infants.

I am truly saddened by your meanness and cultural insensitivity.

And now to make you feel ever worse about your general lack of character, I will tell you more about my ordeal.

Because my doctor wasn’t satisfied with telling me that I’d gained 20 pounds.  She wanted to give me a vaccine against Mums, because I don’t have immunity.  She talked about the MMR vaccine.

“I’m very worried about side effects,” I told her.  I’ve been reading up on vaccines, after all, and the last thing I need right now is to become autistic.

“You may have some tenderness at the injection site and feel a little sluggish for a few days,” the “doctor” reassured me, “but nothing else.”

Judging by the sluggishness that I’ve been feeling, I’d been getting the Mums vaccine daily for the past twenty years.

After the vaccination, I was ready to bid adieu to the doctor, but she still wanted more from me.  Blood, to be exact.

But the real fun didn’t start until a week later, when my blood test results came in.

Coming next: Love in the Time of Cholesterol.

One year ago ...

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Aunt Becky
Twitter:
March 1, 2010 at 12:18 am

I am on the edge of my seat. CRYING.

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Sophie March 1, 2010 at 1:28 am

Oh, F&^$! I hate cholesterol. I’m already warning you of the impending crave for grapefruit you’re about to start feeling once you start taking your statins, just because you’re not supposed to ingest them together.

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Kathy March 1, 2010 at 2:50 am

Oh no I hope your cholesterol is okay cause that could mean the end to ice cream! Good luck!!

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christine March 1, 2010 at 2:55 am

Don’t hate you’re readers. I am sure all the offensive comments are just failed attempts to be as funny as you are. I should know… whenever I try to be funny, I always end up sounding like a bitch. I much better off when I stick to sappy optimism.

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Louise March 1, 2010 at 6:05 am

So I’ve just spent the past 3 days reading every single post you have up here and wanna tell you you’re hilarious. Please don’t stop writing ‘cos that’ll make me sad.

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Coco
Twitter:
March 1, 2010 at 7:15 am

I would offer hugs but I gained way more than 20 so…to only have gained 20 is like winning. The cholesterol…not so much. With all the weight gain and stress came high blood pressure and high cholesterol. It just positively sucks.

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OHmommy
Twitter:
March 1, 2010 at 7:36 am

Awwwww…. OMG. I loved meeting you at BlogHer! XOXO You are SO funny and soooooooooooo cUtE!!!!!!! XOXOXOXOX Never stop blogging girlfriend. Love ya!

Is that what you were looking for?

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OHmommy
Twitter:
March 1, 2010 at 8:02 am

OK, had my cup of tea and forgot to add…

You are SO not fat. HUGS. Love ya! XOXO

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Crys March 1, 2010 at 10:06 am

I wasn’t a mean girl in High School – I had friends in most of the cliques. My daughter has recently told me that I’ve turned into a mean girl…if I’ve said something to make you cry – I’m sorry. If I’ve said something that had you running to the Ben and Jerry’s…why didn’t you share?!?!?!?!

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marathonmom March 1, 2010 at 11:27 am

The only indignity left that she can bestow among you as an old married woman with kids is to demand you get the guardasil shot.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
March 1, 2010 at 12:01 pm

I’m not sure what’s funnier. Wendi’s comment or “I’ve been reading up on vaccines, after all, and the last thing I need right now is to become autistic.”

I’m crying over both.

Since I’m seeing you today, I’ll assess your health situation. I’m bringing my stethoscope.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake March 1, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Really, Marinka, stay away from doctors. They are looking to find something wrong. If not, they’d go out of business.

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m March 1, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Why would your doctor want to give you a vaccine for plants? If I had known you were allergic, I wouldn’t have sent them to you! Tell me next time!

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peajaye
Twitter:
March 1, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Great. First we gays were blamed for AIDS. Then for Kate Gosselin’s hair. And now it’s Marinka’s health. I’ll try to be more careful in the future.

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The gold digger March 1, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Well – you can take comfort in the fact that The Lancet has completely retracted the paper it published on the link between vaccines and autism, saying it was bad science and they never should have published it. So you’re OK on that end. 🙂

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soccerMom March 1, 2010 at 5:12 pm

OMG, I didnt know adults can become autistic???? Are you serious? Well I think you better skip the shot then and just go for a diet of just oatmeal. Hope this advice helps. Have a fantastic cholesterol free day.

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elenka March 1, 2010 at 6:07 pm

I LOVE that movie!

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MommyNamedApril
Twitter:
March 1, 2010 at 8:12 pm

only douchefaces call beautiful women fat. sorry there were a bunch of douchefaces on your wall.

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Maria from nj March 1, 2010 at 11:54 pm

Eat a box of Cheerios! Doesn’t that cure it?

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
March 2, 2010 at 2:24 am

Your concern about becoming autistic is one of your best. Hilarious.

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Wendi
Twitter:
March 2, 2010 at 8:03 am

Sigh. Fine. Fuck it, let’s be supportive.

Marinka, you are beautiful on the INSIDE and that’s all that matters!

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Crys March 2, 2010 at 8:59 am

Do we really HAVE to be supportive, Wendi? FINE! I’ll be supportive all the way down here in Florida…Marinka – send me all your ‘fattening’ foods and I’ll make sure its taken care of. Since I OBVIOUSLY don’t feed my kids well enough – they can have YOUR food and since I’m not the one cooking it, they’ll eat it.

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what pretty does March 2, 2010 at 3:28 pm

My friends (in their 30s) see doctors every 5 minutes, add a new illness monthly, get sluggish from worry and medications. So I think some doctors are just woe carriers, and medicine is replacing perfume and shoes. You are fine, Marinka. Your 20 lbs is probably just 9lbs of New York Winter in the non-clinical world. Three of those are I Want to Be A CNN TV Doctor-created angst pounds. You’re too clever and fabulous for this; stop worrying. Buy cute boots, stalk around like an annoyed highly-sexed revolutionary, wear more eyeliner, skip the coffee, hold out for red wine. Watch what happens. Done and done.

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Schill March 4, 2010 at 9:20 am

You have the inate ability to cheer me up without even trying 🙂 Having a total Debbie Downer morning until I popped over here and read some of your recent posts. You should write for a sitcome…this stuff is genius.

~Kath

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