Good Bye

by Marinka on May 17, 2010

I don’t mean to alarm you, but it seems like I’ve been living on borrowed time. We should probably say our good byes soon.
I’ve been under the care of Dr. Oz, via Oprah, and the news is grim.

See, this month’s Oprah magazine has an article about Hurt Alerts– Five Pains That Could Be a Sign of Big Trouble. Although I don’t know why they bother with the fancy titles. Just call itt “Read This, Marinka!” and been done with it. But whatever, Oprah.

Let’s explore the signs together. (Of course, I’m not going to copy the article verbatim, because the last thing I need right now, what with being on my deathbed and all, is Oprah attacking me through litigation. She’s had her eye on my blog for a while and I’m sure she’d love to add it to her empire.) Nevertheless, here’s the list!

1. Severe Headache. Extremely acute pain can signal an aneurysm! Dr. Oz didn’t mention if living with whining child was a precondition.

2. Leg Pain with Redness and Warmth. Could be Deep Vein Thombosis! Now, with Blood Clot! I totally had this one. One summer, on the beach.

3. Spreading Chest Pain. Blocked Blood Vessel Could Be Impeding Oxygen to the Heart! I didn’t have this until I read the article. But just try stopping me now!

4. Tingling Foot Pain. Possible nerve damage! Or diabetes! I had this once, but now I don’t. Which is weird because there are definitely many people who still get on my nerves. Now I’m worried that I’m in some kind of nerve damage remission. Or maybe I had the tingling foot pain because someone had a voodoo doll of me that they were torturing. And then they got tired and put it away. Which is kind of rude.

5. Numbing Lower Back Pain. Possible herniated disk! For some reason, probably closely tied to anti-semitism, I haven’t experienced this yet. But I’m definitely looking forward to it!

Of course this isn’t the first time that Oprah predicted my imminent demise.

Maybe I’ll get a second opinion. I’ll make an appointment with WebMd. Or Dr. Kevorkian.

One year ago ...

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Sophie May 17, 2010 at 5:34 am

I think I just got herniated aneurysm in my foot. Thank goodness I can blame all my pains on somebody else, because it’s a well known factoid that goddesses don’t die from these things.

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Vicki
Twitter:
May 17, 2010 at 8:43 am

This reminds me of the time I thought I had cancer but really it was just throat congestion. (http://blog.vickiboykis.com/2010/03/08/a-conversation-with-my-parents-about-india/) Sounds like I need to read Oprah magazine to make sure.

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I'm Nate's Mom May 17, 2010 at 9:21 am

Yeah, the WebMD can steer you wrong, and it’s hard to quit once you start using it. I’ve had chronic neck pain since December, but if you check neck pain on the WebMD symptom checker, it says, “Seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY!” But it’s been 6 months, and I’m not dead yet. Can you sue the WebMD for unnecessary mental anguish?

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anna see May 17, 2010 at 9:31 am

It has been very nice knowing you. I’ll miss you, Marinka.

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alexandra
Twitter:
May 17, 2010 at 10:20 am

When you get to be as old as I am, you learn : Dr Oz and WebMd? stay away. They’ll have you, your spouse, your in laws, and your kids, all dead within 6 mos.

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Karen at French Skinny May 17, 2010 at 10:24 am

After reading this I went back to bed because I have most of these too. No one seems to be taking me seriously since my 4 year old keeps blowing on my belly making fart noises.

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peajaye
Twitter:
May 17, 2010 at 11:31 am

Hey, maybe you should get a second opinion from another media medic — like Dr. Laura! Of course, she’ll just probably tell you to shut up, stop complaining, and be a good wife, since she seems to tell all her female callers this, from rape victims to Holocaust survivors.

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Awesome dude May 17, 2010 at 12:56 pm

do you have enough fingers/toes to count all the hypochondriacs in your family?

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
May 17, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Oprah knows all. I think you are screwed. 🙁

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Carolyn Online
Twitter:
May 17, 2010 at 7:44 pm

Oprah’s kind of a mean bitch to put you through this.

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elenka May 17, 2010 at 8:13 pm

I can’t read about any disorders at all, because, 100 percent of the time, I suddenly develop those maladies within seconds of reading about them. Even stuff that can only come from mosquitos in Africa, or an intimate relationship with an octopus. Happens every time.

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dusty earth mother May 17, 2010 at 10:28 pm

Listen, Marinka, I just found your blog a month ago and I’m seriously enjoying it. It would be very selfish of you to die right now. So buck up, little buckaroo.

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momtrolfreak
Twitter:
May 18, 2010 at 11:25 am

First my facebook picture broke your computer, and now Oprah broke your body. Damn. Are you feeling any better today? Should we start a Marinka Awareness campaign? I’ve got an old t-shirt and some sharpie markers, I could try to stop sniffing them long enough to write SAVE MARINKA on a shirt. You should really get your second opinion from Oprah herself. She might tell you something different the secodn time around. I mean, she used to be a weather girl dating John Tesh, and just look at her now. She also knows A Lot of Things For Sure. So if opinion #2 says you are still dying….can I have your gym membership?

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The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
May 18, 2010 at 6:34 pm

I’ve managed to survive for several decades with multiple Hurt Alerts assailing me at once, including but not limited to Attack of the Spider Veins, Slow Death By Sleep Deprivation, and Shut the Hell Up, Kid, I’m Going Deaf In That Ear.

And I’ve really never liked goodbyes, so see what you can do. It’s amazing what the body can put up with.

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