Heeeere’s Wendi!

by Marinka on February 16, 2011

So my guest posts are drawing to a close, because apparently I can only milk this pseudo-depressive state for so long. But I couldn’t end this without having my friend beautiful and talented friend Wendi Aarons chime in. There are many funny Wendi stories, but I was recently thinking about last summer when we were roommates at BlogHer in NYC and we talked late into the night. Finally, she wished I’d shut up and told me, “I have to go to sleep now and dream that Justin Bieber is my son.” Oh, that Wendi.

Definitely check out Wendi’s Third Annual Rejected Valentine’s Day Hearts</a>!
And whatever you do, make sure you’re following
Wendi on Twitter. More laughs per tweet, guaranteed!

When Marinka sent me an email asking me to guest post on her blog, I responded the same way I do every time I hear from her: “Who are you and why do you keep bothering me?”

Then she told me she’s depressed, so I became very concerned and immediately signed her up for Scientology. Because what lifts your spirits more than learning about your volcano alien ancestors while you’re putting chrome on Tom Cruise’s motorcycle? Not a whole hell of a lot, my friends. (And “putting chrome on Tom Cruise’s motorcycle” is only a euphemism if you’re an 18-year-old go-go dancer with a mustache who’s just signed a 20 page confidentially agreement.) (Or Katie Holmes.) (Or maybe that’s the same person; I’m not sure because I never watched Dawson’s Creek.)

Where was I?

Ah, yes! Marinka’s desperate plunge into darkness. Since she didn’t seem very interested in Scientology, I then registered her for a triathlon. One of those charity deals where people ride their bikes to help eradicate Juvenile Lumbago or something. Unfortunately, that plan soon fell through because it seems that unlike the rest of the world, Marinka’s idea of a triathlon involves the three sports of eating, drinking and watching Toddlers and Tiaras until she develops hysterical blindness. I know. It’s like she doesn’t even want to get better.

But, since I’m a (very wonderful and amazing) friend, I still didn’t give up on the old girl. Nope. No litely depressed Russian bloggers on my watch, Jack. After all, this is America! We can FIX this! We’re the global power that invented fucking Pajama Jeans! (But seriously, people, save that “poor me” shit for the countries that end in
“–stan” cause it really harshes my mellow when I’m trying to relax at Yogalates, OK?)

Which brings us to why Marinka may soon be facing trafficking charges in Juarez. Now, in my defense, the only reason I sent her those antidepressants from DrugMule.com was because I was staging a one-woman protest against Big Pharma and thought they’d cheer her up. How was I supposed to know that the FDA banned those pills in 1982? How was I supposed to know there’s an ongoing FBI sting operation? And I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s ever confused “Sexapro” with “Lexapro,” so is it really my fault that Marinka’s body is now going through certain “changes?” My highly paid legal team certainly doesn’t think so.

But now, now I’m at a loss. I’m fresh out of ideas on what I can give Ms. MotherhoodinNYC that’ll make her smile and snap out of her minivan blues. A male stripper? Yuck. A cute, fluffy puppy? Yawn. A hot, nasty three-way with Donald Trump and Mark Zuckerberg in the health-code violating kitchen of a Brooklyn IHOP? Nah, that’d just make her feel even worse—trust me. (And Donald? That doesn’t actually happen to every guy. See a doctor.)

That’s why it looks like the only thing I can do for Marinka is write this guest post and tell her with complete sincerity that I think the world of her and consider her a true friend.

And maybe, if it helps, I’ll even stop sending her emails to my spam folder.

One year ago ...

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Tweets that mention Heeeere’s Wendi! -- Topsy.com
February 17, 2011 at 10:25 am

{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

February 16, 2011 at 12:42 am

Wendi Aarons????

You rock my world.


susie@newdaynewlesson February 17, 2011 at 2:39 pm

LOL-and ditto to what you said.


February 16, 2011 at 3:21 am

I think I’m going to ask wendi for a guest post. I think she’ll help lift me out of my funk. Plus I like mexican pharmaceuticals.


Stephanie Smirnov
February 16, 2011 at 7:17 am

Wendi in the morning is better than Paxil and a venti triple shot latte.


Awesome dude February 16, 2011 at 8:08 am

A father with considerable psychiatric background can not recognize symptoms of depression in his own kin?

An answer to this is so very simple: He does not think much about anybody but himself.


February 16, 2011 at 8:23 am

Wendy posting inside Marinka’s blog is like a delicious turkducken


Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) February 16, 2011 at 8:50 am

Damn it! I hate when I read shit funnier than I can write. You’ve completely ruined my day. Having said that, the mere fact that a human can watch toddlers and tiaras without going insane must say something about her hardy Russian background. Now, come guest on my blog…or don’t, no matter.

You’re a riot! And trust me, I rarely acknowledge funny people cuz it pisses me off. Love this post!!!


February 16, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up),
I hate it when people say in their reply exactly what I want to say. I totally agree with you. Wendi sucked the breath out of my lungs, laughing. I think I’m funny so it does ruin my day when someone else seems funnier although I watch women comics all the time and they are definitely more gifted than me so I shouldn’t be depressed.
What would we do without funny people, oh, and reality TV?


February 16, 2011 at 10:00 am

Marinka, for heaven’s sake, snap out it! If you don’t the whole BlogHer community is going to take over your blog.

Wendi, “harshes my mellow ” is the funniest 3-word combo I’ve seen all day.


Thomas C. February 16, 2011 at 10:38 am

I try to learn something new every day. You know, like, um, “personal growth” or something? Today I learned that eating, drinking and watching Toddlers and Tiaras will make you blind. So, I’m switching my DVR to start recording “Little Miss Perfect,” from now on, instead.

Thank you for this valuable public service.


Phoenix Rising
February 16, 2011 at 11:12 am

I think Marinka should partake in a Hip Hop class. The hippity hoppity might just bounce the pseudo depression right out of her… also, please video tape. Because it’s important to share these kinds of experiences with each other.


Rojopaul February 17, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Hip Hop classes are so last year. The new craze is Zumba Dance. (Not that I know from personal experience, mind you, I just saw it on the news recently. ha)

Love you Wendi! (And you too Marinka!)


Leslie February 16, 2011 at 11:17 am

After all, this is America! We can FIX this! We’re the global power that invented fucking Pajama Jeans!

I cannot wait to try and incorporate this into as many conversations as possible today…it’s so hilarious, it must be repeated again and again. Thanks!


annie February 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

This post right here? This is why I had failed to follow through on Marinka’s polite request to guest post (yes, polite – we know she only asked because didn’t want me to feel left out and stop sending her chocolate).

Clearly I can’t begin to keep up with women who are not only nicer than I am but much much much funnier! You rock!


Bekah February 16, 2011 at 12:06 pm

What do you mean a pharmacologically-induced sex change hasn’t cheered her up? Geesh, it’s like Marinka refuses to be happy.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go explain to my boss why I keep bursting out in spontaneous laughter when I’m supposed to be working on boring accounting stuff. I think my response will be “because spontaneous combustion is too messy…”


By Word of Mouth
February 16, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I would have no choice but to send chocolate.
None of this crappy American shit, no, real chocolate.
That has to be almost as good as a post.
Unlike Wendi’s foray into the illegal, no one would have to go to jail for it either … because being someone’s bitch would seriously screw up my day and my kids would would pissed as hell at the competition!


K-Line February 16, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Pure hilarity.


MarathonMom February 16, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Y’all bitches totally made my sucky week!


February 16, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I think we’ve all learned an important lesson today: get your illegal drugs from Canada.
Marinka, let me know what cell block they put you in and I’ll send you some smokes to trade for sexual favors in the clink.


Kathykate February 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

can wendi guest-parent at my house? just askin’


February 16, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Thank you for giving me a way to kick-start my diet. The thought of anyone with Zuckerberg and Trump in a 3 way is bad enough. but in iHop? Rooty tooty fresh and fruity, indeed. I’m no longer hungry.

thank you Wendi.


Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole
February 16, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Everyone needs a friend like Wendi.
And talk about black market…people would pay good money to be mocked by you!


February 16, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Gosh, Wendi, I don’t remember you being so brave about the Scientologists when you were working in Hollywood. Back then, it was all, “May I get you another donut, Ms. Alley? I won’t tell.” and “May I get you another Twinkie, Mr. Travolta? It’ll be our secret.”


Steph February 17, 2011 at 12:39 am

Wendi has become quite brave after living in Texas. She has suffered the allergies, seen the scorpions, and felt the fireants. She’s not afraid of the Hollywood “powerful” anymore. right, Wendi??


February 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Wendi, thanks for that huge laugh. My daughters are being snotty, my husband is walking around feeling sad because he didn’t get the new Iphone. He could have, he just didn’t or he can’t because he can’t have a camera phone where he works and then our puppy, who is actually the size of a calf, just pooped on the floor so I needed a good chuckle. Thanks.


vodkamom February 16, 2011 at 8:47 pm

That’s it. Let’s just take her to a gay bar. She LOVES that.


dusty earth mother February 16, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Except for the fact that I’m terribly wounded that you mocked my child’s Juvenile Lumbago, this was brilliant. BRILLIANT. Oh, man.


February 17, 2011 at 12:23 am

I’m pretty sure Marinka would slap the shit out of anyone who tried to give her a puppy, so good call on that.
Also? Poor Donald.


the mama bird diaries
February 17, 2011 at 9:41 am

Things are so fun around here when Marinka’s depressed! Well done Wendi. You are a true friend.


Ann's Rants
February 17, 2011 at 9:55 am

Best pity party ever. Especially because none of us left with food poisoning after frolicking in Hef’s grotto.


Jenny, Bloggess February 17, 2011 at 10:03 am

how about a 3-way with a cute fluffy puppy and an IHOP. Mmmm…

That sounds illegal and delicious.


Grumble Girl February 17, 2011 at 10:04 am

W to the E to the N to the D to the I…. (wait, did I spell that right? I’m unedumacated…) Nice to know there are friends like you to keep ladies like Marinka out of depression-hell. And out of prison. These are good qualities in a pal, you know!


Nancy Davis Kho
February 17, 2011 at 1:08 pm

After Vicki said Turducken, you could have just closed comments. Yes. This is multiple juicy layers of artery-clogging goodness.


When Pigs Fly
February 17, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Now you’ve gone and done it. All of us want a guest post from the funny lady. I was just thinking about pirating your tweets and setting up a new Random Post. But, that would be entirely dishonest and it would involve me having to actually cut and paste.
Hope the post helped Marinka’s funk. I’m still trying to get the image of Trump and the Facebook dude together out of my head.


The Flying Chalupa
February 17, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Wendi Aarons, you complete me. This will surely get Marinka out of her down-and-outers (especially with all the up-and-uppers from DrugMule). I’m convinced it’s the terminal state of winter in the Northeast that is doing this to our friend. The first cherry blossoms of spring will force depression-lite to leave, or at least graduate to depression-ultra-lite.


Erin@MommyontheSpot February 17, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Well, I can’t speak on behalf of Marinka, but this cheered me up today. Thanks!!


sandra February 17, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Wendi…you are one cool babe. Will you be my friend? 🙂


Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
February 17, 2011 at 10:55 pm

So many gems. Really, better than a Sexapro Speed Ball.

I only have a minute since they limit the internet time in this cement cell in Meh-ee-co. Wendi promised I’d just have to swallow this balloon and board a plane from Nogales, all to help Marinka, but it ended badly since TSA groping gives me reflux.


February 18, 2011 at 1:18 am

This was hilarious! As usual. How lucky you both were to be roommates with each other.


Sorry. I had to get that out.

Wendi, you rock.


Jillian February 19, 2011 at 11:21 am

how did I miss meeting you two at BlogHer???


Margaret Reyes Dempsey February 19, 2011 at 3:33 pm

“Because what lifts your spirits more than learning about your volcano alien ancestors while you’re putting chrome on Tom Cruise’s motorcycle?”

Just wow!


February 20, 2011 at 12:53 am

“Because what lifts your spirits more than learning about your volcano alien ancestors while you’re putting chrome on Tom Cruise’s motorcycle?”
Hmm. Pinching John Travolta’s nipples while he eats a turducken?
Oh, no, that’s what lifts HIS spirits. I’m banking on my depression lifting when the mercury hits 70. S.A.D., Marinka? I got it bad. Wendi Aarons, since you’re not likely to come over to cheer me up, I’m going to plan B: the Nutella tub and the big spoon.


Cass February 21, 2011 at 1:49 am

If Wendi–and prescription medication from Mexican border towns–aren’t For the Win, I don’t know what is.

BlogHer….hmm… I should look into that.


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