How Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth

by Marinka on July 29, 2010

Recently our home underwent an episode of Emailus Interceptus to the 12 year old daughter degree.

Normally I totally believe that everyone is entitled to privacy, but I was curious.

Fortunately I didn’t find anything too damning (unless everything was in code! Why did I just now think of that?), but I did find this chain letter, preceded with enough LOLs to plug up the oil leak.

Take a look!

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
” Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to
the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident .”

7. My mother taught me IRONY
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me WEATHER
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me: ENVY
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me: ESP
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
“I swear you’re just like your father.”

23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me about Justice
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”

So while you vomit your pregnancy away, get stretch marks that defy principles of elasticity, have enough sleepless colicky nights to qualify as torture under the Geneva Convention and generally devote your life to your child’s happiness and well-being, rest assured that your child will appreciate every single thing and reward you through the beauty of a mocking chain letter.

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Momo Fali
Twitter:
July 29, 2010 at 10:07 am

My daughter is at camp. I’m off to search her room.

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deborah quinn
Twitter:
July 29, 2010 at 10:31 am

ouch. on the other hand, as a mother of two boys, I’m resigned to an elderly life alone, in a small apartment eating cat food. My sons will call each other from their glamorous lives to say “didja talk to mom?” and the other will say “yep, last month.” And then they’ll pat each other on the back for buying me the really EXPENSIVE cat food. I will not have a cat. The cat food will be for me. In the easy-opening cans, to accomodate my arthritic fingers. Your daught may hate you, but she’ll move you into her house and change your diapers when you’re 95.

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A Mom on Spin July 29, 2010 at 10:42 am

And how about the things our daughters have taught us??? Now THAT would be a blog post!

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Kirsten July 29, 2010 at 10:48 am

I have so much to look forward to. Considering how much my sister and I mock my mother, I think karma might have it in for me.

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Yuliya
Twitter:
July 29, 2010 at 11:16 am

I remind myself on an almost daily basis that my “precious” five month old will one day be a teenager. And now you’ve given me one more thing to look forward to when that day comes- merciless mocking

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Joie July 29, 2010 at 11:48 am

Hmmm….I found this actually rather humorous. I think every one of those sayings has come out of my best friend’s mouth to her four kids. I will be sending this to her now… :)

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Vicki
Twitter:
July 29, 2010 at 12:45 pm

My mom actually sent this to me before. :)

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anna see July 29, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Love this!

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Cara July 30, 2010 at 6:51 am

As a teacher of high school students, I am so sorry to tell you that this gets so much worse.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
July 30, 2010 at 10:15 am

My mom was into #25. And really don’t think I was that bad. I’m really sorry about how bad I was because I have been repayed in full. He is 8 so I’m totally screwed for the teenage years. Maybe military school?

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Roshni July 30, 2010 at 11:23 am

I need to memorize these so that I can create similar LOL situations for my kids when they grow old enough to ‘appreciate’ them!

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Maravonda July 31, 2010 at 1:41 am

Yes, Marinka, the love of my life is 34 now, and all I can say is…you ought to read her facebook posts.

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