I Can’t Face Facebook

by Marinka on December 29, 2009

I know I’m about 5 years too late with this post, but I don’t get Facebook.

I assume that people who praise it with “omg, this kid I went to camp with friended me!” are speaking in some kind of code, because the idea that someone from my childhood making contact with me is enough to make me apply for the Witness Protection program.  Even though it will probably involve relocation to Ohio or something.  Not that there’s anything wrong with Ohio, of course, it’s just that this blog is called Motherhood in NYC, so I’m all sorts of tethered to here.

So, I resisted.

I created a Facebook account for this blog, proudly called myself Marinka Romanoff and then promptly forgot my password and pissed off dozens of people who tried to friend me.  Well, what do you expect?  The Romanoffs had it rough.

But last week, my 11 year old daughter sent me a friend request ad I accepted it.  Because I wanted to spy on her.  So, I joined Facebook again.  And friended my daughter and two other women that I know.  Also because I wanted to spy on them.

I am exhausted already.

First, my daughter started sending me chats. Then she wrote on my wall.  (Nice that our young are being encouraged to deface walls with graffiti.)  Then she sent me a “motherhood request” which means, I’m guessing that she indicated that I’m her mother and Facebook wants to confirm this before saddling me with a lot of maternal responsibilities.  I accepted.  I’m exhausted.  Every time I log on, there’s some kind of Satanic message that I have to take care of some animals or that I am close to getting a zoo or that my daughter now has a Porpoise.

The last straw was this morning when I logged on and saw that my daughter challenged me to a Facebook pillow fight.  And hit me with a Betty Boop pillow.  What. the. fuck?  The good news is that I have two days to hit her back, but I didn’t want to cut it too close, so I got into action mode immediately.  I had many pillows to choose from.  I choose the therapeutic one.  And hit her back.

I can hardly wait to see what happens next!

One year ago ...

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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

barbara sigelbaum
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 9:27 am

I am sending you a request right now.

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barbara sigelbaum
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 9:28 am

if I can remember my password.

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Catherine
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 10:04 am

You’re tempting me to friend-request you, but I don’t want to tire you out too much. If I really wanted you to be my friend, maybe I should send you a martini instead.
BTW, I have no idea if my comments to you are email-enabled or not, because I am an idiot. But I lurk sadly around my email account, hoping that one day you’ll be inspired to email me. Maybe not until you get the actual martini? Seems fair.

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Maddnessofme December 29, 2009 at 10:24 am

Facebook is a nightmare for me. All these people in one room I would never have in one room in the real world, not without lighting myself on fire to get out. My boss, my boss’s boss, my old boss, my first boyfriend from age 16, my husband, my sister, friends, co-workers, high school classmates who apparently get together every effing week even though we graduated in 1982, my ex-husbands relatives. Bloody hell. So my status updates are reduced to “I just ate a sandwich”, who gives a shit.

I hate it.

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 11:49 am

That’s exactly how I feel about it. Which is why my daughter is practically my own friend. Well, she also made a page for Nicki, but fortunately, Nicki is super low-maintenance as a Facebook friend.
I can tell already that this isn’t going to end well for anyone. Except Nicki.

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OHmommy
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 10:59 am

Farmville.

Create a farm. Request that she becomes your neighbor. I find it very therapeutic to pop in on my farm to pet my horses or check in on my chicken coop.

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 11:50 am

I hope that this is one of those subsidized farms because I want in on the bailout.

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OHmommy
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 3:52 pm

I kid.

I had to unfollow a number of highschool friends due to their excessive farmville updates. Gah.

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:31 pm

Now I’m curious about the farmville updates. Is it like “Bessie the cow has a new bell!”? Because I sort of want that. (The update, not the bell. Although if the bell is sparkly, that may be nice, too).

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Lindsey December 29, 2009 at 11:01 am

I had to laugh that you picked Marinka Romanoff. Back when my mom was alive (because she couldn’t have this conversation dead) her co-workers were all sitting around talking about their lineage. My mom doesn’t know hers because her father is dead and her mother was a pathological liar and couldn’t believe anything she said anyway. SO when they got to my mom she was embarassed that she didn’t know so she said “All I can tell you is that I’m a princess….. the long lost Anastasia Romanoff.” From then on her co-workers would call her Anastasia LMAO

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:32 pm

I love that story. And I guess we’re related, what with both of us being Romanoffs and all.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake December 29, 2009 at 11:41 am

Don’t listen to OHmommy about the Facebook farm. Because really? It’s only a half-step from the funny farm. I’m not kidding. The crazy ones get their therapy from petting horses, but I still get mine from caressing a liquor bottle.

P.S. Friend me!

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OHmommy
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 3:53 pm

I was being sarcastic. Can you imagine me petting my virtual horses late at night? Don’t answer.

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C @ Kid Things December 29, 2009 at 11:52 am

This is why I’m one of the last remaining few who have never signed up with Facebook. I never did Myspace, either. I just… I don’t get it.

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:33 pm

I would have held out, too, but: must. spy. on. daughter.

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Beth December 29, 2009 at 12:08 pm

My kids will not allow me to be their friend on Facebook. And I don’t blame them. As for all the Farmville, pillow fights, hearts, etc., I really do not get it. I set up my account with my maiden name so that people from school wouldn’t try to friend me. Instead, I got every schmuck from high school sending me friend requests. Sheesh!

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soccermom December 29, 2009 at 1:21 pm

Honestly, I think sometimes FB is the devil! It can lead you down a path you don’t want to take.

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Sophie December 29, 2009 at 2:24 pm

1. Heather is right.
2. Friend me! Thus i’ll be able to boast being friends with somebody who is somebody.

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pinklea December 29, 2009 at 3:14 pm

I don’t get Facebook either and plan to continue to avoid it forever. My best friend once asked me what was the difference between Facebook and a blog. I think I mumbled something about a blog being more for people who enjoy reading and writing as opposed to Facebook being more of a way to find long-lost pre-school friends (whether or not they actually WANT to be found). I should have just said that there are no stupid pillow fights on a blog.

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:34 pm

::bop:: you’re it! (that was a pillow bop. I realize it’s not obvious and that I now appear to be mildly insane).

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peajaye
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 3:37 pm

brava for speaking out on this issue! perhaps facebook is rewarding if you don’t have a job or a family and you are able to dedicate at least 8 hours a day to it. of course, in this economy… maybe that’s why it’s so popular. and i’m convinced it’s planting malicious spyware into my hard drive – that’s why i only log in at work. btw, i feel like writing back to some of these people, NO, I DIDN’T WANT TO ‘FRIEND’ YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL & THAT HASN’T CHANGED! THERE ARE REASONS I MOVED 3000 MILES AWAY! and while i’m ranting, i’d like to tell some of the personalized ads on the facebook sidebar: NO, I DON’T CARE IF SOME HOT CHICK IS LOOKING FOR ME! I’M OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER GAY GRANDFATHER! LEAVE ME AND MY BROWNING TEETH ALONE! WE DON’T CARE HOW MANY TRIANGLES THERE ARE!

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:35 pm

I’m too scared to look at the Facebook ads. I try not to make too much eye contact with anything on the page.

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Maddnessofme December 29, 2009 at 4:34 pm

Holy crap. Based on these comments, I think there might be a market for a Facebook support group, Marinka.

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Issa
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 4:57 pm

I only use it to play bejeweled. It’s not that interesting in my mind. I ignore all that crap…err pillow fights, farmville, here’s a drink…dude give me a real drink or go away.

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JulieBouf December 29, 2009 at 5:19 pm

My only real purpose for facebook is to remind my family members to read my blog when I post an update. Since they would never otherwise remember to look. Of course, I made the mistake of sharing my URL with my mom long ago so unfortunately, it always needs to stay PG now and I just have curse the hell out of my relatives in my head.

What creeps me the shit out is when my tween nieces and nephews have begun to befriend me. I unfortunately set a bad precedent with allowing my older teen cousins/nephews, but have decided to continue to ignore the tweens. They can’t handle the truth.

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Margaret (Nanny Goats)
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 5:27 pm

I will be your friend and I even promise never ever ever to send you an iHug. Or an iSmile. Or an iPillow. Or ask you to take a quiz called “What kind of 80s hairstyle are you?” Or send you an iSt. Patrick’s Day card. Also? I will never tell you what I had for lunch.

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:38 pm

You sound like a perfect friend. (It’s ok if I do all those things in return, though, right? Because I don’t want to boast, but I’m turning into some kind of a pillow fighting champion.)

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Jeanne December 29, 2009 at 6:17 pm

My husband’s ex-wife and her live-in boyfriend have both friended me. Which is okay (because they didn’t do anything to me), but neither of them work, which gives them all kinds of time to set up farms and bakeries and zoos.

Geez, am I the only full-time working woman left in the world?

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:39 pm

It scares me very much to see adults acting this way. Who has time for this stuff? I mean, there are so many episodes of Snapped to watch! Bakery? Hm..

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MommyTime
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 8:09 pm

I am too lazy to look at my FB account right now, but I can tell you that I have something in the area of 1.4 million unanswered requests for little green plants and karma and sheep thrown at me and other pointless things. Here’s my deal: if I have time to burn, I’ll burn it reading my friends’ blogs not poking around to see the latest update from someone I went to high school with who was too Important to talk to the likes of me back then but now wants to be my “friend.”

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
December 29, 2009 at 9:04 pm

The only purpose of Facebook is to look up old boyfriends and then make sure they understand how great your life is through your status updates.

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Marinka December 29, 2009 at 10:40 pm

Ok, I just went on FB and looked up my old boyfriends and couldn’t find any. I hope that it’s not because they were imaginary, because that’s just discrimination.

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Bridget
Twitter:
December 30, 2009 at 5:07 pm

I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks! So glad I stumbled across your blog!! Now I have to come up with an excuse to my co-workers to explain my uncontrollable laughter when they’re expecting me to grumble and gripe about year-end policies and procedures.

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Birdie December 30, 2009 at 6:44 pm

No FaceBook for me, ever. But DH joined so he could spy on our DS when he was in college. But I’m not sure it was such a good idea. I’ve seen and read things better left unknown. Fortunately, DS has redeemed himself since his college days and has become an upstanding citizen. Maybe old age and senility will erase what I’d like to forget about his college FB days…

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Mox
Twitter:
December 30, 2009 at 10:43 pm

I got hit with the Theraputic pillow. Must have been therapy for the person who hit me, but none for me…? I didn’t respond, because I am also exhausted. In my neck of the woods, (which now appears to be rural to you and you’d be right) my friends are hard core Farmville players. Oh, for the love. Like so many pressings of the delete key.

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Maureen@IslandRoar December 31, 2009 at 12:02 am

Wait till she starts poking you. Or sending you gifts.
But don’t worry; she’s young. Soon enough she won’t want you anywhere near her wall. I like to torture my kids my commenting on their pages. It makes me smile.

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