If I Were A Racehorse, I’d Have Been Shot By Now

by Marinka on September 6, 2011

I am being punished.

Because last week I mocked the leg pit and this weekend I was in agony with the back of my knee being very hurty. So hurty, in fact, that I couldn’t unbend it. And it’s hard to walk without straightening your legs, although it’s really easy to propose to people. (And if you’re wondering, yes, I did try walking like a mummy with my arms outstretched and my legs extended, wobbling from side to side. Of course I did. At the supermarket on Sunday afternoon. It’s amazing how shrieky other people’s children are.)

Life is so weird. One day you’re just vaguely aware of the back of the knee and the next day it’s trying to kill you.

Which brings me to my question: Do you think your ass muscles are connected to your knee ..muscles? Ligaments? Pits?

Because I also have pain in my, shall we call it, gluteus-extremely-maximus, and it seems to radiate to my knee.

“I’m pretty sure I’m dying,” I told Husbandrinka. That poor man. How he’ll rebuild his life without me, I don’t know.

“Does this hurt?” he asked, tapping me on my knee. I really don’t see this as the time to test my reflexes, but I kicked him just in case. No need to have him worried about reflexology in top of everything else.

“No, it doesn’t hurt,” I told him, putting on a brave face. The brave face that was sipping a Chardonnay.

“So just take an anti-inflammatory,” he told me.

It’s like he’s some kind of an inflammatory pusher.

Mama was less sympathetic. “You need to lose weight,” she told me. “You have knees for human, not for elephant.”

I’m pretty sure this is the end for me.

The knee is the new Achilles’ Heel.

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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

maria from nj September 6, 2011 at 12:32 am

You poor woman. Have more wine.

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ladyday September 6, 2011 at 12:59 am

What Maria said.

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Anthony from CharismaticKid
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 7:20 am

It’s funny how guys love to act like we know what we’re talking about in terms of medical attention when we don’t at all.

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Kath September 6, 2011 at 7:41 am

I think kicking Husbandrinka was a wise decision. Honestly, once we hit 40 things that we were once unaware of…like our leg pits…suddenly start acting up. It’s inevitable. Be sure to take your anti inflammatory with a glass (or ten) of wine and you’ll feel fine in the morning.

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Tinne from T and T September 6, 2011 at 8:29 am

You are clearly suffering from post traumatic stress disorder after that no-electricity vacation. I suggest more wine and a soothing massage, preferable by a handsome blonde blue eyed Swede.

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dusty earth mother September 6, 2011 at 8:52 am

Oh, Mama, what a line.

So sorry that you’re hurty! But the kids are back in school, right, so you have time to eat bon-bons with your feet up. Oh, wait, you have a job. Take the anti-inflammatory, but don’t wash it down with chardonnary, because no one wants you in a coma. Coma people=not funny.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 9:12 am

Clearly you’re suffering from Sitting Down Syndrome and need to collect workers’ comp. plus damages for wine and spa treatments.

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Brittany (BrittanyandTahn) September 6, 2011 at 9:50 am

OMG I couldn’t stop laughing!

Hilarious post.

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Kristine
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 10:00 am

What does WebMD say? I’m sure it isn’t cancer or anything.

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Alexandra
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 10:16 am

Oh, where is a poor neurotic self loving woman to go for some attention?

I fell down a few stairs (don’t worry, marinka!! I’m fine!) and no one got up to check (no one: husband)

I pulled myself up, told him I fell, and he said, “Hmmm…thought I heard something.”

Thank you. For checking on what you think you might have heard.

P.S. Your mother is as wonderful as awesome dude.

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ChiTown Girl September 6, 2011 at 10:33 am

OMG, your mother is a freakin’ laugh riot!!!

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Bridget September 6, 2011 at 10:43 am

Drink water. That’s what my stupid husband says no matter what I’m complaining about; I have a headache – drink water, my back hurts – drink water, the kids are being assholes – drink water. Pffft…I don’t have room in my bladder for all that water and wine. Duh.

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Megan September 6, 2011 at 10:48 am

The things you have to put up with when they should be worshipping the ground on which you hobble.

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b a seagull
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 11:17 am

pinched nerve? sciatica? woody allen syndrome? i have a great osteopath in midtown.

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BrassyDel
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 12:00 pm

I’ll be boring and tell you that a pain radiating from your ass to your knee along the back of your leg may be your sciatic nerve. I had issues with sciatica during both my pregnancies. If it doesn’t let up in a week or so, as in, rather constant pain, you may need to see a doc about what it could possibly be pinched in. Otherwise, maybe it’s just acting up because we ain’t gettin’ any younger.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to put on my own brave face and soldier on, because my toddler is screaming and, not coincidentally, I feel a headache coming on.

Is 10 am too early for chardonnay?

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Brattus Rattus September 7, 2011 at 12:40 pm

It’s NEVER too early for cocktails.

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Meredith L.
Twitter:
September 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I was going to say sciatica, too. The only known cure for this is a deep tissue aromatherapy massage and enormous amounts of wine.

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Jennifer D Allen September 7, 2011 at 5:12 pm

me 3!!!

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tracey September 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I do believe I’d have kicked Mama, too…

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Steph September 6, 2011 at 1:17 pm

yes, i would’ve wanted to kick Mama, too. But I wouldn’t because she is such awesome blog fodder.

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Marta
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Now I keep imagining an elephant with human legs.

Perhaps you need to photoshop one with your face and ask your mother if this is really what she thinks you look like? =)

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Tonya September 6, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I have a huge bruise on the front of my knee, I think we must be cosmically linked. So the bruise is all your fault.

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Sheryl September 6, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Sounds just like my sciatic pain. I knew immediately because my mother has had several bouts of it. I went to the doctor and “yup!” It’s Sciatic pain. I had to go through two rounds of steroids to get rid of it.

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Kristen
Twitter:
September 6, 2011 at 5:19 pm

It’s probably dysentery.

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awesome dude September 6, 2011 at 7:04 pm

You would not last as race horse for so long anyhow.

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Jodi F September 6, 2011 at 10:17 pm

There is actually a connection between your butt and your knee. It is called the ilio-tibital band (ITB) and it can cause pain. Most often in runners, though. Google ITB syndrome.

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Sarah September 6, 2011 at 11:57 pm

There’s a whole lot of stuff from your knee to your butt. Your hamstrings (the big muscle on the back of your leg) actually attach all the way up on the back of your hip bone. IT bands run more along the side. Sciatic nerve can be a pain in the ass (literally). You can also have problems with the tendons that attach to the bone right at the back of your knee. Years of running have taught me to alternate between ice and heat at 20 minute intervals, stretch to the point of discomfort but not pain, and take ibuprofen. You also should rest it. Lots. So Husbandrinka should take care of all of the cooking and cleaning for a week, and bring you meals on the couch or in bed so you can recover. :) If it doesn’t get better in a week, or it hurts too much to move, go to a doctor.

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Heather September 7, 2011 at 8:58 am

Of course the ass muscles are connected to the knee. And in a man’s case, the ass muscles are also connected to their brain.

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Teddi B September 7, 2011 at 10:56 am

Hi, Teddi here . . . Mama and personal trainer from Denver (tho I hail from NYC) . . . you need to stretch your butt. Do you know pigeon pose? Do that stretch — your tight ass is pulling on your knee ( you’re right, there is a connection!). Just stretch it a bunch and you should feel better. All the advil in the world won’t fix it.

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Becky
Twitter:
September 7, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I’m going to suggest the pigeon pose to a number of my in-laws…. who are tight asses.

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anymommy September 7, 2011 at 11:29 am

At least it’s not cancer? Hopefully? I adore Teddi B’s suggestion. PLEASE take a picture of yourself in pigeon pose. It’s only fair. We support you in your trials.

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Anna Lefler
Twitter:
September 7, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Revenge of the leg pit.

Is it not safe to mock ANY body part these days? WTF?

Take care, sister.

XO

A.

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Ilana
Twitter:
September 8, 2011 at 12:40 am

Everything is attached. If you hurt your back and it starts to feel better, it is usually because the pain has transferred to your foot.

Although, pain is an excellent excuse not to exercise.

If you were looking for one.

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
September 9, 2011 at 10:14 am

Yeah. Sciatica, alas. Pigeon pose, good; massage, good; lots of wine (in mouth & on knee) very very good. (Although actually, seriously? Back stretches and ass stretches will feel really, really good). Housework of all kinds, including meal preparation is terribly detrimental to sciatica. It says so on the Mayo Clinic site, in very small print.

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