In Case of Sudden Death

by Marinka on April 20, 2011

Yesterday afternoon I was walking to the subway, when suddenly I realized that if I were murdered on my way home, no one would pick up the kids from school. And with my personality, it’s sort of a miracle that I haven’t been repeatedly murdered already.

I nearly keeled over from the weight of that responsibility right on the spot.

So I emailed Husbandrinka:

I’m about to go on the subway. If I get killed, please make sure to pick up the kids at 5:30. Also, we’re out of pasta.

When I exited the subway twenty minutes later, I saw that Husbandrinka emailed back:

I’ll get the pasta.

And then he didn’t email or call to make sure that I was still alive.

So obviously I assumed too terrified at the prospect of losing me to check in to make sure that I was still alive.

But fortunately not too scared to get pasta.

And yet when he came home with the pasta (whole wheat!), he didn’t look at all alarmed. Or surprised to see me sitting at the computer, alive.

Alive and reading an article that I was quoted in about some proposed legislation in New York State that would outlaw such games as Red Rover and Kickball.

I read my quote with pride to Husbandrinka:

He was proud too. I know because he said:

You sound like Sarah Palin.

And he’s not even a Republican, so I can’t take it as a compliment.

But I need your help.

I need a last name. And since I’m anonymous, I can’t use my own. Or Husbandrinka’s.

So Wendi had the great idea that I should have a contest for a last name. A Name Marinka Contest, if you will. With no prize.

Let me have it!

One year ago ...

0saves
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

{ 75 comments… read them below or add one }

Marnie April 20, 2011 at 10:12 am

I’D say “Blogovich,” but – never mind. How about Chekova?

Reply

kirida
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:16 am

So much to comment on here. If I died on the way home, my husband would have picked up the kids, but probably wouldn’t have bathed them or fed them. Good luck kids upon my passing!

As for your last name, would Marinka Shrinka be too cheesy? I love your opinions (no, don’t legalize common sense–gah!) so it could be along the vein that you have a lot of advice?

Reply

Alison@Mama Wants This
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:24 am

How about Kickanasska?

Reply

Leslie April 20, 2011 at 10:25 am

I like Blogovich, but I’m also thinking it may work to use a name that is the epitome of unknown, like Marinka Doe (ok, maybe not that one) or Marinka Smith, or maybe Marinka Smith-Jones, hyphenated to make it seem even more important….

Reply

Suzy
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:26 am

Wow, a contest with no prizes. I’m in.

Reply

Suzy
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:27 am

I’m kidding. I think that’s dumb.

Reply

Suzy
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:27 am

OK, I’ve got one.

Reply

Suzy
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:28 am

Actually, no. It was dumb too.

Reply

Loukia April 20, 2011 at 10:28 am

Marinka Babinka!

I dont know. I suck at these games.

Also, I have the same fear, about dying and then OMG who will get the kids? Or, worse: being home alone with my kids and dying from a heart attack. THEN WHAT? I’ve been teaching them to dial 9-1-1 since they were mere infants, in preparation.

Reply

Megan April 20, 2011 at 10:39 am

Marinka Barishnikov. People will think you’re related. Or how about Marinka Karenina? No one would be able to pronounce it without tripping over all the ns.

Reply

Vicki
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:43 am

Tolstoyevsky.

Reply

Peajaye
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:46 am

I am firmly against any last name – it dilutes your brand. Does Snookie need a last name? The Situation? The Bachelor? – okay, those are bad examples. But what about NeNe, Madonna, Cher, or even Oprah? Maybe “Hilton” – it worked for Paris and Perez, but you’re not that sleazy. Or perhaps you could put a “Lady” in front like GaGa. But honestly, I think you just tell those asking that “Marinka” is your news moniker, like Deep Throat or Anonymous (author of “Primary Colors”).

Reply

Stasha
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 11:23 am

I like Blogovich. Or do what Royal family does and attach location you rule to the name.

Reply

Kasia April 20, 2011 at 11:43 am

Marinka I. Am

Reply

Kyle April 20, 2011 at 11:47 am

Marinka Icutabitch. I lack the fake Russian skill to make the spelling funny. And I demand credit on Twitter. I’m needy like that.

Reply

D April 20, 2011 at 11:53 am

Thegreat

Reply

Wendi
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 11:55 am

Marinka Dooce.com

Reply

marathonmom April 20, 2011 at 6:13 pm

LOL

Reply

Suebob
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Wendi wins.

Reply

DawnA April 20, 2011 at 11:56 am

How about mixing up your first name? Marinka Kamarin.

Reply

Jane Greer April 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm

“Dinka Doo.”

Marinka Dinka Doo.

I like it.

Reply

Noelle April 20, 2011 at 8:32 pm

It’s no surprise that this one made me laugh out loud. Ahhh, motherhood!

Reply

anymommy April 20, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Me too. I think lovingly of Marinka every day when my kids sing that song and then I want to kill everyone and everything that ever lived because they won’t STOP singing that song.

Skidamarinka dinka dink, skidamarinka doo. I. LOVE. YOU.

Reply

OHmommy
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I took the liberty at looked up your name on ganstaname.com. The result was:

Your name in the real world might be Marinka, but “The Industry” will know you as: Madam Kielbasa

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Unfortunately, Marinka Kielbasa makes you sound like the author of silly children’s books. I think.

Reply

Neil
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Marinka Durak

Reply

christy April 20, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Marinka Surnaminka.

Reply

Kati
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Why do modern russian? I say we kick it old school. Marinka The Great.

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 6:48 pm

This is a very good suggestion.

Reply

awesome dude April 20, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Native American//Indian for example: “Afraid to be killed on the way home” or “Never has enough pasta”

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 6:49 pm

hahahahahahahahaha!

Reply

b a seagull
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 2:30 pm

willmakeyouthinka.

Reply

Erin@MommyontheSpot April 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I like Marni’s Blogovich!

Reply

Jenni April 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Hargitay!

Reply

Susan Croft April 20, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I like verbs as last names. How about Marinka Drinks.

Reply

kay April 20, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Marinka Bobinkabananafanafofinkafefimominka!

Reply

Suebob
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I love all these suggestions. How about

Lifornya
or
LaMazoo

Marinkalifornya
Marinkalamazoo

Reply

marathonmom April 20, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Vyjazla – schwa sound on the last a

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I have no suggestions at all and only clicked over from my reader because I figured someone else would have a great one (or three). I don’t know why you can’t just emulate Madonna, though. After all, she’s from some podunk town in Nowheresville, MI, and she renamed herself after the Virgin Mary, so I’m pretty sure that you can go with just Marinka and be fine. If they really insist, I suppose you could tell them that your LAST name is Marinka, and your full name is Just Marinka…

Reply

pam April 20, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I like Marinka Strovetskyarooney.

Reply

suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I agree that you need no last name. No one famous ever does. Cher! Madonna! Sade! Charo! Prince!

Okay, I’ve run out of exclamation points now. Thank goodness.

Reply

GrandeMocha
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 9:30 pm

My last name is Davis. When I call for Chinese take out, I don’t have to spell it. I would be honored to share my last name with you!

Reply

tracy
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 10:04 pm

I cannot believe no one said Smith or Jones or even the ever popular Doe.

Any of those would work perfectly with Marinka and your “anonymous” blog.

Reply

annie April 20, 2011 at 10:58 pm

I’m thinking:

Marinka Hypochondrinka

But maybe that’s just because you thought you were dying when i sneezed while leaving a comment last week.

Did you ever get that monkey flu wendi was worried about?

Reply

dusty earth mother April 20, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Marinka Imsuchastinka.

Boo. I’m booing myself.

Reply

Keyona
Twitter:
April 20, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Best comments ever…. Hahahaha!

Marinka Bobarinka

Reply

bella April 20, 2011 at 11:53 pm

CEARIAT

Reply

Marinka April 22, 2011 at 7:04 pm

It took me two days to get it. But I get it! I do!

http://www.motherhoodinnyc.com/help

Reply

deborah l quinn
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 12:31 am

Lastnameovinka?

(but really I think Wendi’s suggestion should win the big non-prize. dooce is really the best name. in fact, I think maybe we should ALL use dooce as our last name)

Reply

Amber April 21, 2011 at 12:31 am

I’m awful coming up with names so I’m no help. Sorry. The only thing that comes to mind is Foofa. And that’s because my daughter made me watch her creepy Yo Gabba Gabba show.

Whole wheat pasta tastes like wet cardboard to me.

Reply

Amy VC April 21, 2011 at 12:52 am

Marinka Post. Ala Emily Post, what with your sage advice and proper ways and shit. And, you have a blog. Does that mean you post, or is it just the people commenting who post? Sage advice needed now.

Reply

heather... April 21, 2011 at 3:10 am

Whenever I read your blog I always think, “Marinka Dinka Doo.” And then sometimes it becomes “What Would Marinka Dinka Do.” You’re basically like Jesus.

Marinka Jesus. Obviously.

Reply

From Belgium April 21, 2011 at 7:12 am

‘The blogger formarly know as Marinka’
Marinka the Terribly Terrific
Marinka the Awesome

Reply

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 7:45 am

Marinka Marinka …. how’s that? That way, nobody will forget. Also, i loved the piece that you wrote up there. Everyone seems to have forgotten that but i spend a lot of time imagining my sudden death.

Just this morning we had a conversation on death by Ninja Star!

I’ll pick up the kids…especially now that your hubby has pasta

Reply

Donna April 21, 2011 at 9:23 am

No good ideas here – I just clicked over to see what the funnier-than-me people had to say. Oh -and if he’s going to bring home whole wheat pasta, you might just as well be dead. That stuff’s nasty!

Reply

Tonya
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 10:02 am

I think you should just scrap all names and use a symbol. Then you will be known as “the blogger formally known as Marinka.” Then you can start a support group with the artist formally known as Prince and the actress formerly known as Lilo.

Reply

Miss Britt
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 11:51 am

Your last name is not NYC?

I suppose your middle name isn’t IN then, either?

Reply

Miss Britt
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 11:52 am

Also your first name is apparently not motherhood and your blog is not called Marinka in NYC.

I think I’m in the wrong place.

Reply

Alexandra
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Why can’t it be Marinka in NYC?

Just like that? As in, “Marinka in NYC, who blogs anonymously.”

Reply

Gdot April 21, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Marinka Opinionisteka
….And your welcome

Reply

Lori April 21, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Kitchensinka

One-more-drinka

Hook-line-and-sinka….I know, this one is notably lame, but for some reason I feel compelled to add it in anyway.

Stinka… This one is meant with love – it’s actually the one I’d choose for myself because it is self mocking and sounds like someone saying stinker with a Boston accent. Go Pats!

Blinka

I completely understand if you delete this post because it offends your senses.

Reply

magpie April 21, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Smith. Marinka Smith. Doesn’t get more anonymous than that.

Reply

tina April 21, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Marinka Stewart-McMillian, you should hyphinate.

Smith is to common, and the Marinka is unique enough you need something common but not too common with a little flair, thus the hyphen.

Reply

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 4:05 pm

It should be Jones so you can feel so good about your position in life that everyone else is always trying to keep up with you.

Reply

shafeena
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 4:52 pm

i love the idea! though i don’t have the confidence to suggest one :(… love YOU though…

Reply

elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I knew stopping by here was a good idea today. I’ve laughed more reading these last name suggestions than I did watching RHOOC this morning on Tivo.

I like just Marinka. I mean, not Just Marinka…just Marinka. God, nevermind, I’m still sober so I don’t make any sense.

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
April 21, 2011 at 10:40 pm

marinka shrinky dinky.

Reply

Makya McBee April 21, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Marinka Akniram? As in, ” Marinka was I ere I saw Akniram.”

Reply

Slow Panic
Twitter:
April 22, 2011 at 6:57 am

Smith. or Jones. I can’t decide.

Reply

MeridethinWyoming April 22, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Dinkadoo — Marinka Dinkadoo. Make perfect sense to me!

Reply

Ann's Rants
Twitter:
April 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Johahnsen. Pronounced with a soft “Yo”

Reply

Jonathan April 23, 2011 at 11:14 pm

I agree – no last name. If someone asks you your last name, just say “I am Marinka!”

Reply

Mwa (Lost in Translation) April 28, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Oh I can’t do better than Dinka Doo. That’s just perfect.
I was thinking something like Patinka. Because I’m childish and have had wine.

Reply

Stephanie Smirnov
Twitter:
April 28, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Smirnov. We’ll be sister-wives.

Reply

Oldman May 18, 2011 at 9:28 am

Um, Asbestossa Von Lawndartski?

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: