Last month my BlackBerry died, peacefully, in its sleep, surrounded by family.
For five weeks before then, it was on life support but I just wasn’t ready to pull the plug.
It’s not my fault.
It worked, mostly. OK, so the e and the c keys didn’t work, but I devised a system whereby an asterisk substituted for the e and an ampersand for the c, so the word cute became &ut*. Isn’t that adorable?
No one else thought so either.
Also, every once in a while, suddenly and for no good reason, my BlackBerry would fr**z*. Then I’d have to reboot it and shake my fists towards the heavens.
Loved ones tried to guide me gently during this difficult time.
“Just get a new one, jackass,” one comforted me.
“It’s probably still under warranty, so it won’t even cost you anything, cheapskate,” others piped it.
I would have none of it.
Sure a few keys didn’t work and a good part of my day was devoted to rebooting. But there were so many keys that did work. Take the M, for example! Or the Q! Nary a problem with those beauties!
But finally I realized that my BlackBerry was gone. It started to call Alex, on its own and at different times. I almost had a nervous breakdown.
“I’m sorry,” I emailed Alex. “I have no know idea why my Blackberry keeps calling you. And also, are you screening my calls? How come you never pick up?”
She said that it was no big deal and had some quasi-plausible explanation for not picking up, my investigation on that is still pending.
Finally, I presented myself at the BlackBerry hospital/morgue. They took enough information from me to steal a few dozen identities and then started to diagnose.
“Your keyboard is broken,” my BlackBerry professional advised me. And as I tried to process what this meant for me and my family, he added, “there’s only one bit of bad news.”
“What is it?” I asked, full of fear and trembling. Would they need to take my firstborn? Was the broken keyboard infectious and I now carried a malignancy?
“Your warranty expired two weeks ago,” he told me.
I sighed deeply. Oh, good. It was just the warranty. That expired in the weeks that I was trying to faith heal my BlackBerry.
Fortunately, I was able to get a new BlackBerry. All they needed was for me to give them some money. They even settled for a credit card instead of cash!
Life is good. Except Alex wonders why I never call anymore.
One year ago ...