I Don’t Know What To Believe

by Marinka on April 26, 2011

Remember the vaginal moisturizer pitch that some bloggers received?

Well, apparently it was sent by an intern. An innocent, vaginally rejuvenating mistake.

And yesterday I got another weird pitch. I’m not clear what the email was promoting, but it warned mothers not to permit their teens to get their ears elfed.

Leave it to “Star Trek,” “Lord of the Rings,” and HBO’s “Bored to Death” to bring ears back into fashion…”elf ears,” that is.

According to Dr. Grant Stevens, a board certified plastic surgeon based in Marina del Rey, Calif.,, getting ears reshaped to resemble an pointy elf’s opens up a host of problems. He’s nicknamed the procedure, “Dobermanplasty,” as it is very similar to that dog’s ear docking procedure.

In addition to the fact the some people who do elf ears are unlicensed and therefore prohibited from using anesthesia (it hurts!), infections can occur destroying the ear because of its limited blood flow, and the procedure is practically non-reversible. If you require glasses, they could be difficult to fit.

This couldn’t possibly be true, could it? I mean are there morons so profound that they’d do this to their ears? But I loved that the procedure was called Dobermanplasty and I forwarded the email to Papa, because he and Mama have a Doberman.

I wasn’t prepared for Papa’s response:

(Don’t be alarmed: Russians are misanthropes. And yes, Papa had a circumcision a few years ago. I asked for his permission to post the email and he said “of course! Why do you even ask?”)

I’m not sure that there’s anything more to say on this subject. Or any other subject for that matter.

Except: While researching Dr. Stevens’ website, I learned about Gummy Bear breast implants. I think there’s a lot to say about that.

One year ago ...

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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Stasha
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 12:44 am

Guess basset hound look would not be as popular? I am confused, but feel like I learned something new. Not that I was in the market for that kind of knowledge. So thank you, I think.

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hoodyhoo April 26, 2011 at 7:13 am

hmmm… fairly sure if your glasses won’t fit, your court-mandated safety helmet won’t either…

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Miss Britt
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 10:35 am

I’m sorry, how did we just skim past Papa having a circumcision a few years ago?

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 9:21 pm

YES, that! And what did he think he would get out of it?

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Neil
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 10:48 am

Now that is a joke, right? No one is getting elf ears, even in Los Angeles? I am googling this right now.

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Alison@Mama Wants This
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 10:54 am

Your Papa? Is the best. Elf ears? I have no words.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

I’d like an Undobermanplasty since my ears are a little Elfin already. Naturally. I didn’t first get the Dobermanplasty and now need it corrected. Just to be clear on that.

I’m so tickled and confused by Papa’s email. Is he unhappy about his circumcision vis a vis summer? Better than summer smegma, I say.

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The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
April 27, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Dude. You are so gross.

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Megan April 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

I’ve seen this on either ABC or NBC. People are weird.

Now… why did your father have a circumcision? I’m just curious what prompted that, although it sounds like he’s asking himself the same question.

Reply

magpie April 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

Why? Just, why?

And your father? Oh no. I can’t even bring myself to ask.

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 11:43 am

I’m not sure that I’d want to hear the words “circumcision” and “satisfaction” in the same sentence coming from anyone, but least of all my father. What was satisfaction was he looking for, do you suppose, that might make him think elf ears would be a possible substitute?

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Slow Panic
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 1:17 pm

people are crazy. even if this isn’t true, they are just plain crazy.

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Suniverse
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 1:23 pm

What the?

Gummy Bear boobs? I clicked on that and STILL don’t understand.

Except for the Doberman thing. I totally get that.

Reply

Tracie
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I think the thought of gummy bears being implanted in some woman’s breasts has scarred me for life. So, thank you for that.

Surely there is a circumcision story that can be shared to distract my mind from the gummy bears.

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Alexandra
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I thought the product pitch I received for toe fungal cream was bad.

ewww….

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 2:18 pm

This is weird timing b/c my dog just got a nose job.

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Sophie@Fabrications April 26, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Great. Now my husband is nagging me to get gummy bears in my tits. Good one, Marinka.

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A Mommy in the City
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Wow! There are just no words. Amazing!

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Kara April 26, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Okay…first I was startled by the domermanplasty, then your dad confused me with circumcision and summer, and now I’m totally bewildered to read about gummy bear breasts?! Man! Am I out of the loop or what?

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Issa
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Oh my word. I’ve missed you.

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anna see April 26, 2011 at 5:46 pm

I sure learn a lot from your blog. Serious elfin-ear weirdness. I did have a student once who had permanent fangs glued to her teeth. Creepy. Now she’s nearing 30, so I wonder how that’s working out.

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Stephanie Smirnov April 26, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Someone should get that bright young vagina intern to come up with a Father’s Day campaign to help post-circumcision dads get more satisfaction from, uh, summertime or whatever it is exactly with which they are unsatisfied.

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J April 26, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Shit.

I am speechless.

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J April 26, 2011 at 7:02 pm

And literally…just a moment ago…I got a Parenting magazine article email on “Circumcision or Not”…

I don’t have kids NOR do I or have I ever read parenting magazine.

Shit.

Speechless again.

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Minka
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Hey, just found your blog, and love it already (and not just because our names are somewhat similar!)! I think I might love it partly because your Papa sounds awesome (I, too, am of Russian heritage, though my parents were born here).
Sadly, I have no doubt this doberman thing is true. Before I got my most recent tattoo, I looked through the book featuring the tattoo artist’s previous work, and it was just page upon page of the crazy, ugly, ridiculous shit people will do to themselves. Like — a BART SIMPSON covering an entire half of your face? Don’t they realize these things are basically permanent? Don’t people put serious thought into these things?
But — they probably do. Which is what makes it even worse. Just more examples of “what the fuck were they thinking?” which goes for so much of humanity in general.
Anyway, glad I found your blog! And I used to live in Marina del Rey, (though I originally hail from NY, and am damn proud of it!) and though I loved it there, it was definitely home to the kind of people who would sharpen their ears, magnify their breasts, and probably add a tail if they could — especially if it could be made to wag when they were turned on! Now THAT would be interesting…

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Ilana
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Now I am wracking my brain to remember where it was that I saw elf ears recently. I’m sure when I remember it will be totally embarrassing like on an episode of Audrina or something. I will report back.

Reply

Glamamom
Twitter:
April 26, 2011 at 11:22 pm

These pitches are hilarious! It’s that damn Elf on a Shelf that everyone was blogging about this Christmas!

Papa was recently circumcised? I think that’s supposed to happen on the 8th day…

Reply

Becky Rice
Twitter:
April 27, 2011 at 8:31 am

Elf ears? Is Santa Inc. hiring or something?

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Marina at My Busy Children
Twitter:
April 27, 2011 at 9:55 am

I saw that pitch too. I kept rereading it trying to figure out what it is exactly they are trying to sell. Well, I failed to figure it out.

This is one of the few products I did not volunteer to review

Reply

The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
April 27, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Sweet mother of god you get the weirdest pitches.

But here in California, a lot of people DO have elf ears. I thought it was just a side effect of Lucas Film Studios but it all makes sense now.

Reply

Tonya
Twitter:
April 27, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Can you imagine weaning a child if you have gummy bear boobs?
Not pretty. Not to mention the children who’d just follow you around the neighborhood in the hopes of rollin’ you for your breasts.

Reply

shafeena
Twitter:
April 27, 2011 at 4:04 pm

haha ! the crazy things people do right?

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Lu
Twitter:
April 27, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Papa needs a blog. I heard about this and unless hubby comes out of the surgery looking like Orlando Bloom in LOTR, it’s not occurring in my house.

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Lady Jennie April 28, 2011 at 5:50 am

It would be hard for you not to be funny with a dad like that. I don’t know how elf ears will relieve his summer woes though.

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dusty earth mother April 28, 2011 at 10:42 am

Oh dear Lord, I am dying laughing over here. I seriously want to live with you guys for a few weeks just for entertainment value.

Reply

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