Letter Writing Tips for My Husband’s Future Mistress

by Marinka on October 22, 2009

Yesterday, the New York Post printed a letter from Brooke, who’s in her 20s, and already having sex with a married man!  Apparently, Brooke wrote a letter to Steve Phillips’ wife telling her about the affair that she’s been having with Steve.  (I had no idea who Steve is, but apparently he was the general manager of the Mets and is now an ESPN star, which seems like an oxymoron, but whatever.)  According to the letter, Steve has a big birthmark on his crotch, right above his penis.  Good luck trying to get that image out of head.

There are many things that fascinate me about the letter–like Brooke’s claim that she and Steve  got into an argument because he refused to be honest with his wife about their relationship.  Because if you are having an adulterous affair, you want to make sure that everyone involved is absolutely honest about it.

The other thing that I appreciated was Brooke’s telling Steve’s wife that

I was raised Catholic too and while I know our faith dissuades divorce, it also respects it with regards to infidelity because people should have the opportunity to be with the whomever makes them happy and can give them what they need.

Has the Vatican signed off on this?  Because that’s a message that they need to get  out more–people will be converting at super-rapid rates.  I mean, I’m pretty certain that I should have the opportunity to be with George Clooney, and if the Catholic faith will make that happen, I’ll just have to give up  my beloved Matzoh Balls and convert.

But the whole issue got me thinking.  About me and Husbandrinka.  Sure, we are enjoying marital bliss right now, but who’s to say that he won’t have a fling at some point? Not anyone who’s been exposed to my personality, that’s for sure.

So, in planning ahead, here are some pointers that I would like his future mistress to keep in mind, in  the event that she decides to write me a letter.

1.  Keep it brief.  A tweet will suffice.

2. If you’re not on Twitter, I prefer email.  Snail mail is so stalky.

3. Although if you do the stalky, go ahead and boil that rabbit. But only if it’s in a hearty stew.  Who doesn’t like dinner waiting for them?

4.  Please proofread your letter.  Thrice.  Typos really bother me.  Watch those run-on sentences!

5.  Try to avoid the cliches.  Yes, yes, I know. I’m his wife and I don’t understand him.  I have over a year’s worth of blog posts to prove it.

6.  Don’t be like Brooke and write “I may be only 22”.  Because that’s just mean. Other phrases to avoid include “my breasts are super bouncy” and “I’m not quite sure what stretch marks are.”

7.  It’s totally OK to refer to yourself as an “adulterous whore” in the letter. I won’t be offended.

8. Please don’t mention words like honesty and love. Or trick pelvis.

There, I think that should do it.  And Husbandrinka agrees.  Tonight, when I told him that I was going to write this post,  he said, “hey, that’s a great idea!”  Because he can tell that his mistress of the future is a moron and will need all the help that she can get.

Hey, wait a minute!

One year ago ...

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Pseudo October 22, 2009 at 1:46 am

If said mistress wants to “be with the whomever..” maybe she should be screwing around with a speech therapist.

And I had no idea you were partial to rabbit stew.

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Marinka October 22, 2009 at 10:03 pm

I don’t like rabbit stew. But I was trying to appear wordly. Or whatemever.

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Kabbalah Rookie October 22, 2009 at 5:18 am

I wonder if Brooke really thinks that she is doing Steve a favour? And I wonder why she thinks that Steve would be faithful and honest after having two affairs and lying to his wife?
Stick with the Matzoh balls… methinks.

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amy2boys
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 7:52 am

What she said about the Catholic teaching on divorce…um…as a Catholic I say WOWZA. Her parents (whom I’m sure are real proud right now anyway), godparents, and parish needs to read this and realize they have failed with a Big Cosmic Eff in their catechesis. To put it mildly.

As to you list, OMG it’s awesome. #5 made me giggle.

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Marinka October 22, 2009 at 10:07 pm

Maybe I’ll hold off on the conversion. George will be really disappointed.

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Keyona
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 9:06 am

A tweet will suffice! LOL! You are so easy to please. Does your husband KNOW this. LOL!

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I'm Nate's Mom October 22, 2009 at 9:35 am

“. . . is already having sex with married men”? You make it sound like she reached this developmental milestone early. Her mom must be so proud!

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 9:53 am

Excellent tips. What I can’t undertand is why this ESPN guy (who I’ve never heard of either) hooked up with such a plain jane. I would appreciate if Rick cheats on me that he do it with someone super hot or else it’s really double insulting to me.

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Holli October 22, 2009 at 10:17 am

In Ghana we avoid all this mistress BS, the guys just gather multiple wives… much simpler really. 🙂

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always home and uncool
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 10:26 am

I knew Steve Phillips was a tool but I didn’t need to know about his tool. Ever.

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MKMom October 22, 2009 at 10:47 am

Marinka, you’re too beautiful, witty, and wonderful for Husbandrinka to ever even think of straying. If that tactic doesn’t work doesn’t he realize that he’s got enough trouble as it is with YOU, never mind messing with potential letter-writers?! 😉

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MommyTime
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 11:30 am

Because he can tell that his mistress of the future is a moron and will need all the help that she can get. I am actually cackling on my couch right now. Which sounds a little weird. But this is just so funny. So is Kelcey’s comment. I think she makes a pretty good point. Be sure to pass that on to Husbandrinka.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 11:32 am

Also, suddenly I’m persona non grata and my comments have to be moderated?! Just because I’ve been insanely busy at work and repainting my kitchen and haven’t been leaving you adoring little missives every single day in this column? Sheesh. Give a girl a break.

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Lisa Rae @ smacksy October 22, 2009 at 12:01 pm

This is an inspiring act of selflessness.

For my list, I would like to dissuade the young lady from referring to herself as a Pilates Instructor.

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Laura October 22, 2009 at 2:03 pm

I think it may be difficult to find another girl out there quite that stupid, but never say never…

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peajaye
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Hi John,
My name is Peajaye, and I e-chat with Marinka regularly and she and I got into a pretty heated argument recently about the fact that she hasn’t been honest with you about our relationship. You see I’m the gay she’s been seeing for awhile now, and I’m not just some random florist that’s been doing her special events, I’m actually a close friend who talks with her on a frequent basis. I care about her a lot and I’ve been asking her to come clean to you about everything, from when we first went shopping together at Bloomingdales (where she assured me I wouldn’t have to worry about getting delivery charges added since she got her gold card) to the fact that we have continued to go out to art galleries, dance clubs, and schedule chat-ups even since you found out. She’s upset because I told her I was going to tell you everything, but it’s important that you know this. We text all day when she’s at work and talk via iPhones on the road. The texts have always been mostly about the style side of our relationship and I have some saved if you ever want to see them, basically stuff like what season she is, how we feel about the Housewives, where’s the best place to buy gelato, and how she and I are the smartest/funniest people we know.

I’m not telling you all of this to hurt you in any way, but simply to show you that I am a real person in her life and that I care deeply about her happiness. I was raised Catholic too and wile I know our faith dissuades homosexuality, it also respects it with regards to priests and little boys and fag hags and their gays because people should have the opportunity to be with the whomever makes them happy and give them what they need – like blowjobs and fashion advice. I’m coming out now because I’m sick of hiding and sneaking around behind your back. After I brought up our next planned shopping time together in LA and Marinka told me maybe we should just talk there and lay low for a while so you or whomever that queen that called won’t find out about me, I realized she hasn’t even begun to tell you the truth. I may only be xx [age deleted for obvious reasons], but I’m not stupid, and I hope you can understand we never wanted you to find out about us this way (although I am writing you this letter so you can find out this way). I want you to meet me and I want to tell you anything you want to know, my cell number is xxxxxxxx, check Marinka’s phone records you can see I’m not lying and to top it off Marinka has a big birthmark at the base of her scalp, that you can only see when she colors her hair, so you know I’m not being fake. Whether she chooses to stay in a useless fag-hag-friendship for god knows what reason or to move on and be with a gay whom she say make her feel prettier and younger and funnier than she’s ever felt, it’s up to her, but at least everything’s now out in the open.

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Marinka October 23, 2009 at 7:21 pm

This was pure genius, but I am true to John. (Call me!)

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Ann's Rants October 22, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Trick pelvis *snicker*

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Ann's Rants October 22, 2009 at 3:48 pm

OMG, Peajaye you are very brave.

And VERY foolish.

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Christine October 22, 2009 at 8:03 pm

Somedays your posts just make me so happy. Usually it’s just your humor, but this time it’s also the exciting news to me about Catholicism. I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t mention it to the fourth grade Sunday school class I teach though.

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Aunt Becky
Twitter:
October 22, 2009 at 9:50 pm

I think I might want to mention that I am your lover.

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anna see October 22, 2009 at 10:17 pm

Adultery and poor grammar– what fun!

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Noelle October 23, 2009 at 12:04 am

Okay, see now I’m torn.

I was going to say this was the funniest thing I ever read…but then I read Peajaye’s letter to John…and you were still in the lead until I got to that part about the exception to the homosexual rule…and then, between the two of you, I just died laughing. So you probably won’t hear from me again 🙂

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vodkamom October 23, 2009 at 6:52 am

and tight. Do NOT say the word tight in any part of the letter.

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Denise October 23, 2009 at 9:08 am

I might have to fight you for George, although it osunds like you are busy with Peajaye.

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Jeanne October 23, 2009 at 7:00 pm

She must belong to some super-modern sect of Catholicism, because the one I know about could care less if people are happy — that’s for the next life, after you do your time in this one.

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Renee October 23, 2009 at 7:59 pm

the 22 and perky breasts thing? A big no no! LOL

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Braja October 23, 2009 at 8:56 pm

Jesus, Pseudo’s comment wins hand down.

All this letter writing? I don’t get it. What happened to a good, hard, public, humiliating slap? That’s something that will truly help your husband’s mistress.

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Elise October 23, 2009 at 9:07 pm

It’s really the right thing for the wife to do.
To have a pre-written letter ready to hand over your own dead body.

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