Mommy Drinks Because of Kid TV

by Marinka on July 16, 2008

My kids and 10 and 7 now, which means that I have a decade of kids’ television under my belt. You’d think they would make some kind of ribbon for that, or a belt. A tiara, maybe.

Believe me, I am definitely one of those parents who used the TV as a babysitter. In the first four years, I needed to take some showers, have a cup of coffee and generally relax for 30 minute stretches. Many of the TV shows that my kids watched are now a distant memory, but I sometimes still wake up in the middle of the night thinking of Tubby Toast. And I have questions.

1. Why is it necessary for kid TV characters to have speech impediments and/or speak English as though it were their second language? I’m looking at you, “Me Happy” Baby Bop. And Ming Ming on Wonder Pets of the “this is sewious!” fame. And whoever that lisping whore is on Sesame Street.

2. Was Clifford’s thyroid ever tested? Because, you know, he was big. And red.

3. Are the Telletubbies related to Booh Bah? And are their creators out of rehab yet?

4. I don’t be all “everyone who is not like me, looks alike,” but is the Bear in Franklin and the Bear in Little Bear the same character? Are they related, like Phoebe on Friends and Ursula on Mad About You? And am I the only person who couldn’t stand Mad About You and Helen Hunt? And is it me, or is it hard to end this segue?

5. Oobi–what the fuck is that? Those talking hands with eyeballs? Seriously, I want to see the test studies that show that watching that show doesn’t make children insane. Because I fear for our society.

6. The Wiggles. They’re not predators, right? They just like to wiggle?

7. Calliou. I want to know why he’s bald. I also want to know if I’m supposed to like his mom because she’s sort of dumpy looking.

8. Max & Ruby. Ruby’s supposed to be a bitch, right? We’re not supposed to root for her, right?

9. Dragon Tales. Did J.Lo name her twins Max and Emme after the Dragon Tales kids? And is “knuckerhole” a tad suggestive for our family values loving nation?

10. Arthur. D.W.’s name is Dora Winifred. I know this bit of useless trivia, but it makes me insane that despite having watched 10,008 Arthur episodes, I’ve never seen the one when they call her that. Also, I kept expecting Dudley Moore to make a cameo.

Let me know if you have any answers! And if any kid show has you stumped, I’ll try to help. Just let me get a refill.

One year ago ...

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Melissa July 16, 2008 at 6:27 pm

Didn’t know the thing about J-LO. Since the kids are Hispanic, it’s entirely possible.

One of our big things was Veggie Tales. I really wanted to know what those guys were smoking because it looked like so much fun. 🙂

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wfbdoglover July 16, 2008 at 6:49 pm

We just had a rock band stay over night at our house. They slept in our rec room and when we turned on the TV SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS was on. Here, let me change the channel for you — no no leave it they say – I love Sponge Bob. You do? I say – yea, I watch it all the time with my son – says he. And for the next 24 hours they stayed, everytime I went down stairs, they were either watching cartoons or playing playstation. A whole hour they were playing play station. OMG

Give me CNN or New York 1 anyday.

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wfbdoglover July 16, 2008 at 6:50 pm

ooh, and what about Mr. Rodgers?

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Insta-mom July 16, 2008 at 8:02 pm

Thank you for commenting on my blog, because as a result I came to yours and you totally made my day.

Here I thought I was the only person who was totally freaked out by the Wiggles, wanted to drown the Wonder Pets, and can’t figure out if Little Bear is on Franklin. And I’m only four years into children’s programming. Sh*t.

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SF July 16, 2008 at 9:24 pm

Not that I have any problems with the alternative lifestyle, but what message was Bert and Ernie sending to us kids during the bathtub scenes…?

Rubber Ducky. Right.

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Alice July 16, 2008 at 11:42 pm

I seriously put the kabosh (sp?) on Oobi and Caillou in our house. Oobi just annoys me and Caillou was the freakin’ whiniest kid ever. Plus, the dad’s clothes on that show were freakish.

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anymommy July 17, 2008 at 7:12 am

I have no answers, only sympathy and more questions. Why are the children’s eyes and heads so big on Super Why? Why is the sun baby on Teletubbies so creepy?

I could go on. You’ve preformed an important public service today.

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Marinka July 17, 2008 at 7:46 am

Melissa-I’ve never seen an episode of Veggie Tales. I think we just get the carnivore channel.

WFB-adults totally love Sponge Bob. I don’t fully understand it. Rock band? Look at you, all fancy! It wasn’t The Beatles, was it?

Insta-Mom–I broke down and asked my daughter about Little Bear. She swears that the two bears are not related, although she conceded, on cross-examination, that they may know each other. She also asked me why I was so interested in a kid show.

SF- Thank you, the Rubber Ducky song is now firmly planted in my mind and I will be humming it all day long. Must. Retaliate.

Alice-Now I have to watch Calliou to check out the dad’s clothes.

Btw, I know someone whose husband bought a red sweater “because Arthur’s dad looks awesome in his”. That always makes me laugh.

Anymommy-The Teletubbies baby is Satan. Seriously, my MIL told me that she read that it was satanic and said that she can see how it’s sort of evil. Thank goodness I have no idea what Super Why is. I’m guessing it’s Super Annoying.

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wfbdoglover July 17, 2008 at 8:02 am

HA HA – I only wish… Why is it when anyone travels it always costs me money??

My brother n’law’s band. First US tour… myspace.com/milliondollarreload

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P.K. July 17, 2008 at 8:16 am

My family has discussed endlessly the animals on Little Bear and Franklin. Why is Franklin the only one to have a name and everybody is referred to by their species? And is there only one family per animal? Who will Franklin marry? Is interspecies dating allowed?

I read an article recently that suggested Mr. Rogers is to blame for the sense of entitlement today’s 20-somethings have since they spent their childhood having him tell them how special they are.

Oh, and I hated Helen Hunt’s character on Mad About You. And Paul Reiser’s, for that matter. Whiny brats. Probably watched Mr. Rogers.

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Kristine July 17, 2008 at 10:45 am

After a visit from one of our friend’s 10 year old, I asked my husband if it would be too mean if I put a parental block on the cartoon network and nickelodeon. He thought I was joking. I was totally serious.

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Marinka July 17, 2008 at 11:35 am

P.K.–And what did you family conclude? Do the “Franklin” animals have a future or are they facing extinction?

Kristine–You say “too mean” like it should have a negative connotation.

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Madge July 17, 2008 at 4:45 pm

ok. Thank you so much. The bear thing!! I’ve been wondering about that FOREVER. my boys are 10 and 6 — I want that damn tiara too. Or some chocolate.

OK and yeah, Ruby is totally a bitch. poor little Max (we have a beagle named after that little twitchy rabbit)

Hey, I’ve seen the episode where they say Dora Winifred. Or did I dream it? I might have dreamt it.

Sorry I can’t write more — Avatar is on in a minute!

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sdl July 17, 2008 at 5:27 pm

The thing that depresses ME is how many of those shows are based on children’s books, and how much better the books are than the shows, and how few parents know it. Also, it depresses me (while I’m on the subject) how many parents then come to the library looking for the crap books that go along with the television shows that WEREN’T based on books, like Dora and Caillou.

So tomorrow, everyone go to your local library and say, “I’d like to see the original Little Bear books because I hear they are wonderful” and make a children’s librarian very happy.

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cerealdieter July 18, 2008 at 4:53 pm

My niece is four years old and no matter how how we try she always starts sentences about herself with me…. It’s always Me do it or Me go with you… Sometimes she will say I, but usually it’s me… I think she does it to get on our nerves…lol.

Watching kids shows is not something I look forward to whenever I have kids.

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ssheers November 24, 2008 at 3:49 pm

How come on Arthur, Arthur is an aardvark, Buster is a bunny, Francine is a monkey, but the dog is just a dog, and the dog doesn’t talk. But the big guy, I forget his name, he’s also a dog, and he talks.

And what if Arthur and Francine get married. What kind of animal will their children be?

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