Never Forget. Really, NEVER

by Marinka on December 12, 2008

Today’s post is a real treat. Jessica Bern contemplates her mortality and lets us know what we should do if the unthinkable happens. I’m getting a little misty eyed just thinking about it!

Enjoy! And when you’re done enjoying and leaving a comment, check out my post at Wendi’s blog!

I get the Sunday New York Times every week and one of my favorite parts to read is the obituaries. I used to do it out of morbid curiosity but now that I am zooming towards death getting on in years, I treat them more like another version of Facebook, only here their daily status remains pretty much static.

The other day, one particular obituary caught my eye because this gentleman’s last wishes were that there be no funeral, no memorial, nothing. He just wanted people to get on with their lives and every now and then send him a “shout out” just to let him know they were doing okay.

This, of course, got me thinking that perhaps there was no time better than the present to put in writing my last wishes, especially because I live in Los Angeles, a city where bad people drive good cars and think nothing of killing you or at least your career for the sole purpose of getting their child into an elite pre-school. That being said and without further ado, I present to you:

JESSICA’S FINAL WISHES

Right when you hear the news that I’m gone, it would be great if the first words out of your mouth were NONE because you are so shocked that a woman like me, with such a huge heart, so funny, no wait, I want funny first, no matter what you say about me, from the moment you are notified that I am deceased, “funny” must be the first adjective you use to describe me. Huge heart and incredible mother would be a good second and third, although I’ll let you decide in which order you’d like to say them. Probably best to use the “incredible mother” around my couple friends. The single ones would likely prefer and relate more to the “huge heart” factor, but again, it’s up to you. I don’t want to seem controlling.

After the shock wears off, I say, let the tears begin. I would like feelings of immense sadness and loss to overcome you to the point where some of you might want to reconnect with your therapists to make a special appointment or if you already have one, move it up a day or two because, “this just can’t wait.”

Breakdowns in the middle of places like Trader Joes or, even better, a new hip restaurant, would be so much appreciated, I can’t even begin to tell you, primarily because I’ll no longer be here.

At the funeral, I would like the tears to continue and please, there is to be NO FAINTING ALLOWED. The only thing this would accomplish is your stealing focus and this is MY funeral and if there is one goal here, it is you must not ever lose sight of that.

Being a bit of a clotheshorse, what I’ll be wearing is very important to me. In the Jewish religion, it is required that one be buried in a shroud. Being that I’m not a practicing Jew and the only reason I went to high holiday services this year was to find a nice Jewish boy who would sleep with me, I’m going to pass on the shroud and only ask that when dressing me you keep in mind that I’m an Autumn and I tend to feel very sexy whilst wearing one of my many sweater coats.

And finally, every MONTH until infinity, on the number of the day (ie: the 15th) that I left this planet, I would like all my closest friends, acquaintances and anyone I’ve ever spoken with, to gather together and once again share their fondest memories of me or at the very least, a general statement pertaining to the fact that the world will never be the same without me and then, before going off to live your lives, stand around and admire my enormous collection of stunning Nike workout gear.

One year ago ...

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

heartatpreschool December 12, 2008 at 1:21 am

Consider it done.

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Vodka Mom December 12, 2008 at 4:19 am

I’m in………can we do shots at the casket? please??

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Deb December 12, 2008 at 4:36 am

Listen, I get the deal. I’m willing to comply with most of it. What I’m wondering is if we can drag you around to fun places once you’re gone. You know, kind of “A Weekend at Bernie’s” thing? We’ll take you to all the expensive trendy restaurants, mainly because we’ll be able to afford to since you won’t really eat so much.

I get the fainting thing, but can I do these things at the funeral?

puke
fart
scream and wail

If you need a little time to get back to me on that, I understand. One must be comfortable with their plan.

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mo.stoneskin December 12, 2008 at 5:14 am

Well, if I’m invited I will do my very best! It’s good that you have (cough cough) very little preference as to which adjectives go in which order with which people, otherwise it may be tricky to get it exactly right!

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Sherendipity December 12, 2008 at 5:33 am

Sounds completely reasonable.

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Cindy December 12, 2008 at 5:39 am

The sweater coat?..oh yeah, I forgot those are back.

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Kristine December 12, 2008 at 6:48 am

Ok, but if you die on the 26th, then in October, we’ll be having a Jessica rememberance / Kristine birthday party – I’m not budging on that one.

The cake will appear on cakewrecks I’m almost positive.

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WA December 12, 2008 at 6:55 am

This works out great for me considering I already have her 8×10 headshot in a shrine in my garage.

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Jen on the Edge December 12, 2008 at 7:08 am

Um, does it matter how sexy you feel in your sweater coat if you’re dead? Because, in general, dead people don’t get any action.

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Comedy Goddess December 12, 2008 at 7:19 am

You are too funny! I love the monthly mourning idea.

Maybe while I yet breathe, I will require all who love me to gather in my presence once a month and tell me why they love me.

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Domestic Goddess (In Training) December 12, 2008 at 8:18 am

I think that funeral will be fab. Will it be invite only or the more the merrier? The only reason I ask is because if you get too many people it may divert the focus from you, whereas invite only is very chi chi and could possibly get you on Page 6 if LA has such a thing. Might want to add an addendum and let us know your preference.

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Kate Coveny Hood December 12, 2008 at 8:54 am

I always appreciate it when people choose to keep things “simple and elegant.”

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Charmaine December 12, 2008 at 9:38 am

I’m doing shots with Martini Mom in the casket.

“Here’s to Jessica”

click
gulp

“Another one, to Jessica”

click
gulp

“What should we toast to now?” Jessica

click
gulp

Charmaine: “Martini Mom, I don’t feel so good.”

Martini Mom: “Buck up, ya pansy.”

Charmaine passes out falling into the casket.

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Ann's Rants December 12, 2008 at 9:57 am

Did you find the NJB at shul? Is he married?

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K.Line December 12, 2008 at 10:08 am

This is hilarious. (And shows such big heartedness)…

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La Belette Rouge December 12, 2008 at 10:38 am

I am thinking that if we are to admire your Nike workout gear and you are( God forbid dead) that would be a really good excuse for us to all quit exercising—because if Nike workout gear cannot keep someone alive what can?

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Sophie, Inzaburbs December 12, 2008 at 10:51 am

I can feel the void already.

Had you thought about a glass casket? (I believe it was Lenin who had one?)

That way we would not have to deprive future generations of the sight of you in your sexy sweater coat.

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SassyTwoSocks December 12, 2008 at 11:24 am

What will happen to your fab sweater coats (the one you aren’t buried in) and the cool Nike gear? It’s it up for grabs?! I think you should have a first come, first serve giveaway at your home, so that the line goes around the block like 6 times. That’ll turn some heads.

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Heinous December 12, 2008 at 1:14 pm

Great post. I’ll try to comply with your wishes as best I can. I’ll try to suppress my inner wiseass.

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*Akilah Sakai* December 12, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Yes, ma’am. Your wishes are my command.

I will dramatically pass out at The Ivy and get you major press. It’s where all the paps hang out! (And hopefully I land on top of a hottie just for kicks and giggles.)

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Braja December 12, 2008 at 6:28 pm

I’m with Vodka Mom (I always am): Can we do shots, and can I photograph it and put it on my site?

Marinka, call me old fashioned (ok don’t, but pour me one), but I miss you…

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selphie December 12, 2008 at 6:46 pm

Why do I have to go to someone else’s blog to read your blog post?

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Marinka December 12, 2008 at 7:36 pm

Selphie–because my blog post is vacationing at Wendi’s blog. You know, sort of like a blog post exchange.

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Kia (Good Enough Mama) December 12, 2008 at 8:47 pm

Sounds like a great plan. Funny. I remember you as an extremely funny blogger.

I like this idea! I might have to steal this post topic. I promise, if I do, I’ll link back.

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Imogen Lamport December 12, 2008 at 11:49 pm

You know what’s scary, as I read your blog I thought it said “NO FARTING ALLOWED” fortunatley, it made perfect sense still. I spend way too much time with small kids.

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rightonmom December 13, 2008 at 12:25 am

OOh, we can have like a virtual ‘Remembering Jessica’ on Marinka’s blog, as ‘The Way We Were’ plays in the background, and a slideshow of you laughing and flipping others off and stuff plays in the background.
Seriously woman, you are a hoot!

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Momo Fali December 13, 2008 at 10:13 am

I am never going to look at Trader Joe’s the same way again.

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Trooper Thorn December 13, 2008 at 10:23 am

I would like to be stuffed and placed out at the end of my driveway as a warning to others…

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Devoted Mom To B... December 14, 2008 at 8:48 am

You know, I joined a church to sleep with, no, I mean, MEET a nice guy. How’s that working out for you? Not so great here.
I loved this post – you made me want to go out and buy a sweater coat and some stunning Nike workout gear!

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