Husbandrinka Capped Me!

by Marinka on December 13, 2008

A few weeks ago I got an email from my husband. Something about financial documents that I was supposed to have delivered to some bank person while he was away and now they’re missing and some vague reference to financial ruin and COULD YOU FIND OUT WHO SIGNED FOR THE PACKAGE BECAUSE I DIDN’T MAKE A COPY AND CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS.

Yes, he actually all capped me in the email. Why doesn’t he just pour kerosene on me while I’m asleep and light the match?

A few minutes later, I got a follow up email from him that never mind, it was some other documents that the bank was missing. But it was too late. Because as soon as I read the FIRST EMAIL I immediately replied by notifying him that effective immediately, he was on email probation.
“What does that mean?” he emailed back.
I had to temporarily lift the email probation to explain, “It means that you are no longer allowed to email me.”
And then he didn’t respond. It almost killed me because I imagined him sitting at his desk, head in his hands, swaying back and forth, saying, “why? WHY?” and berating himself for sending THAT EMAIL. I hoped that the good people in his office were keeping an eye on him, so that if he became truly despondent, they would intervene and call for help. And also that while they were keeping an eye on him for the sake of his safety, that they were recording him so that I could enjoy a screening at some point.
It was a little awkward when he got home that night.
“How did you survive?” I asked.

“Survive what?” he asked.
“Email probation.”
“What’s email probation?”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT IS EMAIL PROBATION?! YOU EMAILED ME TO ASK AND I TOLD YOU THAT IT MEANT THAT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO EMAIL ME.”
“Oh. I didn’t read your email.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T READ MY EMAIL?”
“I was busy.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE BUSY?”

“I had to work. Why was I on email probation?”
“BECAUSE I CANNOT STAND WHEN PEOPLE YELL AT ME, EVEN IF IT’S IN AN EMAIL. IT’S REALLY RUDE, AND STUPID AND GOOD GOD I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS. I CAN’T AND I WON’T!”
“Oh.”
Email probation is now over because I have a big heart and couldn’t let him suffer like this. Besides, everyone else I know has already blocked my email.

One year ago ...

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Vodka Mom December 13, 2008 at 4:46 pm

HE DIDN”T READ IT??? that bastard…

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Comedy Goddess December 13, 2008 at 5:21 pm

He owes you big!

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Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree December 13, 2008 at 6:17 pm

I hope you have a good divorce attorney.

🙂

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Braja December 13, 2008 at 6:48 pm

He’s just not getting it, is he?

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Pseudonymous High School Teacher December 13, 2008 at 6:59 pm

Loved this. My husband is on cell phone probation more often than not. He thinks the cell phone was invented so he could let me know when he is unable to handle minor problems with the children when they are on his watch.

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Wendy December 13, 2008 at 7:03 pm

Maybe it’s because I’m a dirrrrrrrrrrrrty girl, but…I read that entire exchange as tawdry foreplay.

Email probation.

CAPS.

All the shouting.

(And I don’t believe he didn’t read the email. I’ll be looking for Husbandrinka’s Oscar nomination coming up soon.)

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*Akilah Sakai* December 13, 2008 at 8:32 pm

I bet that left eye began to twitch once he said he hadn’t even read your email. Ha! Too funny.

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Temple December 13, 2008 at 8:52 pm

He so did too read your email…men…it’s that Y chromosome, they just don’t get things…

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Tooj December 13, 2008 at 9:07 pm

It’s a good thing you got him on the same page. 🙂

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La Belette Rouge December 13, 2008 at 9:29 pm

If all uppercase is yelling then does all lower case mean whispering?

p.s. Come on over, I tagged you for a meme.

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mo.stoneskin December 14, 2008 at 7:01 am

You’re right, you DO have a big heart.

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Rachel December 14, 2008 at 7:37 am

When my husband ignores my email, he gets a *different* kind of probabation. 😉

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Smart A$$ Mom December 14, 2008 at 8:37 am

I hate that ‘I had to work, couldn’t be bothered with you *insert nonsense here’ card. Bullshit.

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Nilsa December 14, 2008 at 9:01 am

Will you be my mentor? No, I mean it. For serious. Because my husband is nice and charming and deals with A LOT, kinda like yours =) . But, I just can’t seem to find the smartassness that you possess. All. The. Time. I need help. I need a mentor. Or a sponsor. Or something.

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Maura December 14, 2008 at 12:12 pm

Men. ’nuff said.

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Cindy December 14, 2008 at 12:39 pm

As usual you didn’t disappoint 🙂 I like Rachel’s idea..a different kind of probation!!

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Heinous December 14, 2008 at 9:21 pm

I think I’m on most people’s permanent email probation. My life is simpler that way.

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Heather December 14, 2008 at 10:40 pm

I have to say I think he was messing with you – I think he did read it and wanted to see what your reaction would be. At least that’s what my husband would do.

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Z December 15, 2008 at 7:19 am

hahaha 🙂

Perhaps you should try another kind of probation, just to reinforce your point? Me, I’m fond of ice cream probation… As in, I bring ice cream home and eat it, but the huz is not allowed. My ice cream, all mine! Well, it’s not exactly probation. It’s more ice cream gluttony. But whatever 😉

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Kimberly December 15, 2008 at 3:13 pm

IT MIGHT BE TIME TO CHANGE YOUR MEDS!!!

(just kidding, you know I love you)

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