No Offense

by Marinka on September 29, 2008

There are expressions that really rub me the wrong way.

For example, “rub me the wrong way”. Is it me, or is that sort of pervy? Like the implication that the way that you’re rubbing me now is doing absolutely nothing for me, but if you were rubbing me in a better way, whoa, Nellie. Gross, right? And not just because the “whoa, Nellie” reference sort of implies that I have a Catherine the Great fetish for horses. Which I totally don’t. No offense.

And actually, “no offense” is another one. When, would you say, is a good time to use it? I have a friend of size who says that it really annoys him when someone will be telling a story and say, “yeah, so this fat guy, no offense, goes to the bakery.” I understand why it is annoying to my friend, but I dont understand why someone would feel compelled to say it in the first place.

OMG Im typing this on Husbandrinkas laptop and one of the keys just flew off. Can you guess which one? I wonder if hell notice (he will, that is, not Hades) and if hell blame me. FUME. I did nothing wrong, I was just typing along. You are my witness, ok? Maybe Ill convice him that contractions are a part of the right wing conspiracy or something. If you dont hear from me soon, send help. Hold on, Im going to switch computers.

Anyway. My seven year old son recently started saying “no offense”. At first I thought that it was adorable, the way he would say, “No offense, mom, but I am full.” It sounded so grown up and polite.

But then last weekend I overheard him explaining to a friend how to use the phrase. He said, “It’s when you say something rude, but you don’t want the other person’s feelings to be hurt.”

Huh.

Makes perfect sense.

Except, when exactly does THAT happen?

“God, you’re a fucking moron. No offense.”

“Hey, have you considered a complete facial reconstruction? No offense.”

“Are you wearing a strap-on ass? Because, no offense, but I didn’t think it could get that big.”

But the fun thing about “no offense” is that everyone is programmed to say “none taken” when they hear it.

“I am going to have you killed. No offense.”

“None taken!”

Really? The next time that someone says that to you, why not say, “You know, I am offended. Being killed would really hurt my feelings and is just not ok with me. Now, let me rub you the right way.”

One year ago ...

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Mama Ginger Tree September 29, 2008 at 10:11 pm

You want to know what phrase really chaps my hide?

No?

Oh, OK.

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Kylie w Warszawie September 30, 2008 at 1:44 am

Okay, I just have to say I love your little tangent in the middle. When FIL was staying with us, he broke the spacebar on our keyboard. Let me tell you how much that sucked.

And I’m reminded of Ricky Bobby here. “but I said ‘No offence’!”

Happy Rosh Hashannah!

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wfbdoglover September 30, 2008 at 5:39 am

Maybe you are missing the letter J – same as me? Mine flew off too an my husband of coarse blames me – no offense he says.

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sdl September 30, 2008 at 6:04 am

I love using “no offense” ironically, though. It’s fun to say something patently offensive and then tack on “no offense”.

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wfbdoglover September 30, 2008 at 6:16 am

I left you a meme on my blog.

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Alias Mother September 30, 2008 at 7:28 am

I think the people who say, “No offense” are the same ones who describe themselves as a “straight shooter” who doesn’t “sugar coat.” My babelfish interprets that as, “I am a complete asshole and feel I am above the common societal rules of politeness and tact. No offense.”

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Schmutzie September 30, 2008 at 10:05 am
Z September 30, 2008 at 10:47 am

I’m taking mental note of what not to say to you tonight… Hmmm… Perhaps I’ll pretend to be mute? Or perhaps just stay away from the annoying cliches…

Anyways – can’t wait to meet you! 🙂

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Heinous September 30, 2008 at 10:53 am

A stapler will put that key right back in place and he’ll be none the wiser.

Glad to hear about your lack of horse affection too. I use no offense all the time. But just to irritate people. Just like when I use quotes from famous people so I can offend them with other people’s words.

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Shelle-BlokThoughts September 30, 2008 at 2:09 pm

No offense but I use the phrase no offense a lot! lol! It’s true I do…but not when I talk about Fat people…because that would be rude! 🙂 lol!

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melissa September 30, 2008 at 4:01 pm

i hate it when people say “i’m sorry.” that is usually a good thing unless they are saying it incorrectly. for instance, you accidently bump into someone – “i’m sorry” – no you aren’t – it was an accident, why are you sorry. say excuse me. ok, maybe not the perfect example, but have you noticed men never say i’m sorry and women are sorry for everything? like bumping into you, saying the wrong thing, whatever but it is a mindless response- “I’m sorry”- pay attention, you will notice it too…

ok- that was a tangent…

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Me September 30, 2008 at 4:30 pm

Is it ok to say to your boyfriend…

“I never date hot guys, no offense, but it’s just too much pressure and they make me nervous”

Just keeps them in check don’t you think? 🙂

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kia (good enough mama) September 30, 2008 at 5:51 pm

"To be honest…" <—implying that you usually lie??? WTF?

Just for shits and giggles, you rub me the RIGHT way, baby!! Is that offensive? Oh, sorry. No offense. None taken, either. Honestly.

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the mama bird diaries September 30, 2008 at 6:01 pm

Oh I agree. “No offense” is completely offensive. When I was a teenager, I think I used the phrase “no offense” about 15 times a day. Must have driven my mother mad.

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Lawyer Mom September 30, 2008 at 6:03 pm

Said to another, “with all due respect” means you accord them none whatsoever, and believe them to be completely devoid of logic and reason.

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Vodka Mom September 30, 2008 at 6:18 pm

i’m laughing my ASS off. no offense. the one I strapped on.

hahahah.. i love you.

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Sonya September 30, 2008 at 6:55 pm

LOL, my 13 yo used that phrase a lot last year. I started using it right back at her, in the way she was using it, and she realized, yeah, there was an offense. TG she stopped because it annoyed the heck outta me!

Anyway, I also busted out over your keyboard incident. I popped off one of my laptop keys this summer and had to spend the next 4 weeks with it broken while I waited to be able to use my arm again (broken elbow) because I’m the only one that can fix anything around here…not hard to fix if you’ve got 2 hands.

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Me October 1, 2008 at 9:00 am

The other one I hate is when people say “do you want to know the truth?”… to which I have to reply “no I want you to lie to me again”.

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funny girl October 1, 2008 at 9:44 am

In the south we also say “bless her heart” in place of no offense.

“Bless her heart, she thought that eyeshadow was a good idea.”

“Bless her heart, she has no idea how those jeans make her look from behind.”

“Bless her heart, I’m sure she’s doing her best but her children look like they don’t even have a mother.”

You get the picture.

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wfbdoglover October 1, 2008 at 9:57 am

I love it!! Bless her heart, I’m going to start using that one.

Yesterday I got

Mom – no offense to “fellow scout”, but he really made me uncomfortable on the campout. WHY you wonder…as I did, well, he used the “F word 28 times and 19 of them were used at someone in particular.

Mom- no offense, but You Do get a little crazy when you get REALLY MAD.

Mon – no offense to so and so… I can’t even remember that one because now I’m totally emersed in referring back to this blog. – no offense by the way.

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Kristine October 6, 2008 at 12:25 pm

@ Kia – when someone says “To be honest,…” to me, I interrupt them and tell them I always expect them to be honest with me.

The one that bothers me is “my bad.” Bad is not a noun, you cannot be in possession of a bad.

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