This Is The Last Thing That I Need Right Now

by Marinka on May 16, 2011

My biopsy results came back and I have Squamous Cell Carcinoma, which sounds absolutely disgusting. (Disclosure: Affiliate link! Kidding!)

The skin doctor (or,the dermatologist, for you fancy native English speakers) gave me a brochure about it, which confirmed that it is, indeed, very unglamorous.

The brochure explains that it’s the second most common cancer of the skin, a tumor that arises on the outer layer of the skin, and, adding to the indignity, affects the middle aged and the elderly.

How rude!

Can’t they just say that it affects the glamorous disproportionately? Like who’s going to argue that? This is exactly why people hate medical brochure writers.

The good news is that it is very treatable and that with my calm outlook on life and British stiff upper lip, I should be fine. I’m going to look on the bright side! I mean, it’s not like anyone’s ever died of cancer.

Oh.

Fuck it, I’m going to milk this.

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{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }

Wendi
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Perfect excuse to get that nosejob you’ve always wanted!

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Marinka May 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

How dare you! I have the perfect button no- Oh. You met me.

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Hokgardner
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 4:46 pm

My mom has those suckers removed all the time without a problem and she looks just fine, provided you don’t lift the veil she wears constantly when out in public.

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anymommy May 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

What? I specifically requested a link to expensive “no one’s ever died of cancer, but I’m still scared and milking it” gift links. I hate cancer. Especially cancer named “squamous.” It’s like they wanted cancer to be horrible with a name like that.

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getgoinggirly
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 4:51 pm

They have to use hard to spell (and pronounce) names for cancers so that the doctors treating them can still seem smarter than the rest of us

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Miss Britt
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Hypothetically – are you for or against people posting “Just found out my friend has cancer. #fuckcancer” messages on Facebook and freely accepting all of the sympathy hugs and comments and offers of free dinner that *may* come about for hypothetical people as a result of hypothetical posting?

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Stasha
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Cancers are no fun. I used to date one. Or are they referred to as cancerians? Anyway, hope treatment goes well and you feel heaps better.

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Maggie May May 16, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Glad you caught the thing and are having it executed. Stiff lip!

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Joie May 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Yay for being stiff! Oh wait, upper lipped? Weird.

Anywho, I had a friend that just had one of those taken off of her also delicately beautiful nose…the amount they took out was quite a bit, but she healed beautifully. She looks as beautiful as she always has!

Feel free to milk it here though! We are here to be milked…wait…ew.

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Keyona
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 6:09 pm

So I guess your hypochondriasis (yes I looked it up) paid off. I’m glad it’s treatable! Hugs to you and milk it all you want!

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Krystal May 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm

I saw one of those on the poster at the laser place while I got my hair removed – does not look appealing – but heck, treatable it is and definitely worth miling, especially from those who are less intellectual than most!

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always home and uncool
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Obviously the product of the sun reflecting off your wine glass. That’s why I just drink straight from the keg.

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Kim
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 6:37 pm

By “Middle Aged” he meant when people used to only live until they were, like 30. So he’s saying you look like a 15 year old. Obviously.

Good luck with all the removing & milking.

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Yuliya
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 6:43 pm

Well y0u know how I feel about this, as long as it’s breastmilk, milk it all you want.

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K-Line May 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Holy crap! I can’t believe your restraint! Seriously, you’ve got something super treatable which you’re intelligently taking care of. But I’d be completely off the wall with PSAs and deep thoughts if it were me.

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anna see May 16, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Milk away! You have a captive audience who cares about you and your nose.

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Suzy
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I went to the dermo today and had things removed from my face. How gross does that sound? But they were small and non-events. I also needed a script for Tazorac so I can continue to look 16. I ALSO needed this mole-like brown thing looked at, which is on my abdomen. It appears to be growing.

The nurse said to me, “Is that because you pick at it?” I so wanted to say WHO ARE PEOPLE WHO PICK AT RAISED SURFACES ON THEIR ABDOMEN but I was too busy gagging.

I got the non-events removed, I got the script. And totally forgot about the growth. Nice.

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Lyndsay May 16, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Perhaps now is not the time, but ohmygoodness you have the funniest commenters ever!
But sorry about the squamous stuff. Hope it’s all taken care of quickly and easily!

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Twinisms May 16, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I used to work for a doctor who referred to those as barnacles. As in, when ships get old they get barnacles, so do people. You’re welcome.

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Kati
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Milk it to the max. Obviously you need to be waited on hand and foot and have massages on demand to nurse you through this difficult time.

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Vicki
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Are you establishing a fund that will go towards your US Weekly subscription after you’re all better? I’d like to make a donation to the Human Foundation.

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Jennifer
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Cancer is rude. Kick its squamous ass, lady. (I’m assuming that wine-drinking is part of the prescription?)

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Fairly Odd Mother
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I think this means you can now park in the handicapped parking spaces. Though I’m not sure you drive.

But, seriously, I don’t care if you have cancer of the hair-on-your-legs, anything with the “C” word attached to it has got to hit you in the gut. So, please know that I am thinking of you and hope this is just a little blip in an otherwise charmed life.

(and maybe get your son to bake you a “go away cancer” cake; that sounds a lot more edible than a Squamous Cell Carcinoma-begone cake)

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Heather May 16, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Squamous makes me think of a female Big Foot. What size shoe do you wear? And how many razors do you go through in a week?

Thinking of you!

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annie May 17, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Oh thank God – I was sure i was the only one that immediately thought of Sasquatch!

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Magpie May 16, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Oh dear lord. Do you need a very expensive, takes no insurance, Fifth Avenue dermatologist? I have one.

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tracy
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Does this mean you will not be a mommy blogger anymore and bake cute cakes. Please don’t turn this into a medical terminology blog. I come here for the recipes.

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Glamamom
Twitter:
May 16, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Glad you’re getting it taken care of. Holla if you need anything, like a cocktail.

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The Culture Mom May 16, 2011 at 11:56 pm

You have a great outlook and will nip in right in the bud, as you should. There’s nothing like a good scare to give you perspective, hey?

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Donna May 17, 2011 at 1:20 am

I think any time you’re diagnosed with something called “squamous,” you should complain. I further think it’s really rude of you to write about it. I mean, are we supposed to try to out-funny you here? Or out-hypochondriac you? I don’t know what to do. But okay. Get that squamous thing taken right off so you can go back to your glamorous self. I much prefer your illnesses when they’re all in your imagination.

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From Belgium May 17, 2011 at 6:56 am

The world is officially you udder. Milk away!

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Z May 17, 2011 at 7:18 am

TOTALLY milk it for all it’s worth… And now that I’m officially Dr. Dr. Z (and yes, I WILL insist on being called that for at least a week) feel free to ask for any and all random medical advice that I am sure not to know the answer for! ;)

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A Mommy in the City
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 9:18 am

So glad that its treatable. Cancer sucks though! We are here if you need anything!

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Steph May 17, 2011 at 9:47 am

Oh, no. I’m sorry to hear your news. You should not have a “common” cancer because your followers think of you as royalty!

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 10:26 am

You? MILK IT? I can’t imagine that!

Oh, and good luck with your treatment

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Megan May 17, 2011 at 10:57 am

Welcome to the squamous cell carcinoma family! My little beauty was removed from my back five years ago.

Look at this way: If it was basal cell, you really couldn’t milk it because it’s a real slow grower. It could have been melanoma, which you could have really milked but it would have seriously been scary. So really you got the best possible cancer. ;)

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Ann's Rants
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 11:18 am

I’m organizing a meal train. Hope you like casseroles.

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Loukia May 17, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I’d hop on Ann’s meal train but I can’t cook, so how about I order you some take-out from your favourite Greek place in NYC? ;)

You’re amazing, this is common AND treatable, and although it SUCKS, you will be okay.

And we’re all here for you anyway, and well, thinking and praying happy wonderful thoughts.

xoxo

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annie May 17, 2011 at 12:47 pm

If you need milking tips, you have my number. I run a freakin’ dairy over here!

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pgoodness
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 1:30 pm

LOL. Definitely milk it, but you’ll be fine!

My cousin has had 4 or 5 of those removed, no big deal at all. I was the one that got the “bad” version (melanoma) and I’m still here. :)

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PsychMamma May 17, 2011 at 1:38 pm

“Squamous” makes me squeamish.

Wishing you easy treatment, quick recovery and tons of gifts from the milking. :-)

So glad you have your resilient Russian heritage and strength to carry you through. I’m sure Papa will have some words of comfort that will totally reassure you.

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alison
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this shit. Sending good wishes your way.

PS: Perhaps this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship between you and a sunscreen sponsor?

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Twenty Four At Heart May 17, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I had one taken off my leg (my tattoo!!) earlier this year. I’m also a melanoma survivor. Being blond and fair skinned sucks … especially since I’ve spent my entire life in California. I didn’t know the “middle-aged” part though … way to rub it in!

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dusty earth mother May 17, 2011 at 3:56 pm

One of the downsides of your exquisitely pale beauty.

Praying for your nose. xxoo

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Ilana
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 4:23 pm

In the scheme of cancer, isn’t it nice to know that your body decided to put it right on top of your nose where you couldn’t miss it?

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Issa
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I think you can milk this one for about three years.

Sorry friend. That’s just no fun.

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b a seagull
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Any witticism left my mind when I read your post. I will morph into my mother and say that this should be the worst thing that ever happens to you.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 6:03 pm

i couldn’t think of a better reason to milk. milk away. also, now may be the perfect time to mention some fab piece of jewelry you’ve had your eyes on.

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Sam @ Mom At The Barre
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Firstly, I just want to say that you have such a great sense of humor about things and your tweets and blog posts always make me smile.

Cancer is never fun but this one is very treatable. Sending lots of good vibes your way.

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Rima
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I’m glad you’re going to be okay. But this does not bode well for the “anxiety force field” theory of crisis prevention. I thought if you worried about things enough they weren’t supposed to happen.

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Barbara May 17, 2011 at 10:28 pm

After I had basal cell removed from my nose the nurse told me (us as my husband got to watch me get stitched up) that the last woman my plastic surgeon stitched up got a Mercedes from her husband. All of a sudden MY husband became very interested in what was going on down on 13th St. All I got was a bag of ice to hold on my nose on our long drive home. Hope you can milk it for all it’s worth, take lots of pics. I sent mine to my daughters who told me it looked great and then privately called each other and said HAVE YOU SEEN MOMS NOSE! It will be fine, takes about a month to heal and then a little makeup and you r perfect again. All the best, Barbara

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MommyTime
Twitter:
May 17, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Am sending casserole. Also milk. Also hugs.

Wait. I’m not sure you like any of those things.

Am sending wine. Also martinis. Also mojitos. I’m pretty sure you like all of those things. Unfortunately, the ones I am sending currently are virtual. However, your spirit can get happily buzzed any time it likes, even at work, on virtual wine, so that’s a plus.

Know that we’re all here adoring you, and ready to support any manner of milking you may deem necessary.

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Penbleth
Twitter:
May 18, 2011 at 2:36 am

I think it is time to don the frilly apron and the floppy round hat and get milking, perhaps also some sad-faced pouting and sitting around being quiet, that’s sure to help.

I’m glad it is all easily treatable.

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Becky Rice
Twitter:
May 18, 2011 at 7:27 am

My two favorite words in this blog post are “very treatable”.

In my fantasy world , cancer could be cured with a good margarita. Cancer cured, but liver be damned.

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Shane May 18, 2011 at 9:05 am

Milk the hell out of that shit! Cancer? I would retire, tell everybody that I’ve done enough for one lifetime, thank you, and live off the dole. But I live in Europe, so I have a pension…..

Anyway, did you catch it early?

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Jessica May 18, 2011 at 11:15 am

Coming from an American who has had….FIVE moles cut out and FIVE scars from said cutting…

Make sure they use small, inner stitches as well as the ones on the top of the skin. Just sayin.

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Alex@LateEnough
Twitter:
May 18, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I named my sketchy moles Molly and Dotty. But they turned out to be non-cancerous sketchy moles so I was just stuck with a giant face band aid and no sympathy. You have all the luck.

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Bitchin' Amy
Twitter:
May 19, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I can’t even imagine how scared your doctor was to deliver the news.

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Juli
Twitter:
May 22, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Sorry to read this. Hope it is easily treated. And try not to google.

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christy May 23, 2011 at 10:50 am

Oh Marinka I’m so sorry! That totally sucks. My mom has had it a couple of times, and she’s totally fine now. Hope that makes you feel better – it’s meant to. Bad news is just all around these days. Ugh. Hope the removal/treatment isn’t as bad as you imagine it will be. Hugs!!!

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Mwa (Lost in Translation) May 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

That would be something you don’t need. But I’m glad it’s treatable and I am 100% sure you’ll be fine. I’m sending good and healing vibes your way. x

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Jill
Twitter:
May 31, 2011 at 12:47 am

How the heck did I miss this news? Oh yeah … it’s because my husband was in town from Baghdad and I wasn’t reading any blogs. Thank gawd I was able to send him back so I could catch up on crazy times like this!

In my previous life before kids, I used to be a dermatology sales rep. Which pretty much means nothing because I forgot all of it about 10 years ago. Except … if you ever get genital warts, I can point you in the right direction of which medication to use. THAT, I remember.

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