US Weekly Chat

by Marinka on March 4, 2011

Welcome back (or welcome) to US Weekly Chat!  A safe haven for discussing the news and information that we learned from the latest issue of US Weekly.

I, for one, am still trying to get over the tidbit we learned from Suzy last week, when she revealed that a huge percentage of people think that US Weekly is U.S. Weekly.  If you are in that group, please raise your hand so that we can mock you.

Another tidbit that I will share with you absolutely free of charge:

Have you ever thought to yourself, “gosh, I look way too normal sitting here on the subway (or some other public space).  If  only there were something I could to stand out and make a lot of people sneer at me with derision!”

Well, I have just the answer.  Why not take your US Weekly from your purse and then take out a highlighter and start marking it up?  It’s amazing how judgmental some people are.  Like they’re reading Sarte.

See? Highlighted for your reading pleasure.

Anyway.  Onward to this week’s issue.

* David Arquette says that Courteney Cox organized an intervention for him in their living room.  When David arrived there, he said “What up turkeys?”  I really hope that he gets the help he needs and never speaks like that again.

* Cameron Diaz likes to watch porn in hotel rooms!

* Angelina Jolie is having a $100,000 necklace made for Brad Pitt.  And having it engraved with a secret message of love.  For that kind of money, I assume she can have it engraved with War and Peace.

*  Bad news for superfamous red sole shoe designer Christian Louboutin.  There are at least three references in this week’s issue about the shoes, and they’re not too flattering!  First, J. Lo gouged her ankle with a spike of her Christian Louboutin, then Mila Kunis is quoted as saying that Louboutins are uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as pointe shoes.  (Or foot binding, I’m guessing) and finally,  Oprah always takes off her “uncomfortable Louboutin heels” and walks around barefoot.  What’s going on? I thought the whole point of those outrageously expensive shoes was that they were comfortable!  I demand a Congressional investigation.

* Want to know what’s in Kimora Lee Sommons’ bag?  Me neither!  But please know that she carries her Post-its in a Hermes leather holder.  And her business cards in a Chanel holder.  Insert your own comment in this here Target comment holder, please.

* In the 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me by Sandra Lee, we learn that her favorite TV show is The Lawrence Welk Show. Just a quick reminder:  Governor Cuomo can’t take communion because he’s living with a woman whose favorite show is The Lawrence Welk Show.  If I were the Pope, I’d have him on a steady diet of communion.

Also, Sandra Lee does her own dry cleaning. I have no idea what that means, but I’m hungry for communion.

* My favorite feature this week is Inside Scoop: Oscar 2011, which gives us a timeline of what all the stars were doing on Oscar day.  For example, did you know that 11:15 am, Helena Bonham Carter was eating boiled eggs with cappuccino while Skyping with her kids?  Or that at 8:17 pm, after Natalie Portman’s best actress win, Jake Gyllenhaal comforted Michelle Williams?   Speaking of which, do we think that Michelle Williams really thought that she had a chance against Natalie Portman, or was those tears of joy that she was shedding?

* In Stars- They’re Just Like Us! We learn that stars get haircuts and feed the parking meter.  Also breathe air.  I’m practically Madonna!

* There’s a Two Page Spread, Jen’s Tress Timeline, of Jennifer Aniston’s hair styles through the ages.  Like from June 1995 to February 22, 2011.  Except we’re in MARCH now and we have no idea what her hair looks like this week.  Way to drop the ball, US Weekly.

* Snooki doesn’t want to be called Snooki anymore.  And an article about how Charlie Sheen’s kids are suffering.   Probably because none of them is named Snooki.

* OPRAH HAD VOTED REPUBLICAN!

* Finally,  Who Wore It Best the feature that shows a few people, oh, who am I kidding, actresses/celebrities side by side and asking who wore it best.  Here’s a tip:  When you are comparing two women in the outfit, it’s Who Wore It Better.  When there’s a three-way competition, it’s Who Wore It Best. Also, the model always wears it better/best/bestest.

 

Okay! That’s what I got out of this issue of US Weekly.  What about you?

Any important tidbits caught your eye?  Any celebrity US Weekly issues that we need to discuss?

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Disclosure:  This post contains affiliate links.  So if you order The Lawrence Welk show by clicking on the link above, I’ll get a kazillion dollars and will move in with Governor Cuomo and Sandra Lee.

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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

Loukia March 4, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Wow. I never knew I had anything in common with Cameron Diaz! Huh. You learn something new every day.

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 8:39 am

Yes! US Weekly chat is educational. I’m thisclose to getting federal funding for it.

Cameron seems to like that hotels don’t put the movie titles on the bills, so discretion! And also that the porn is the same price as the non-porn, so economy!

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MommyTime
Twitter:
March 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

It’s a safe bet that Angelina is having that necklace made for Brad because of that famous ring that Gwyneth once had made for him — some gazillion dollar bonanza that was basically a ring-shaped tube (probably platinum) filled with practically-priceless black pearls. That’s right, the pearls were inside the tube so you couldn’t see them. It’s like, “check out how much money I have! I have so much money I can spend it on invisible pearls!!” I am pretty sure that when Angelina isn’t all verklempt over the notion that Jen might really win Brad back, she’s worrying about the Hope diamond jewelry he already scored from previous lov-ahs.

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 8:41 am

OMG, thank you, MommyTime, for bringing this to our attention. You are absolutely right! I remember reading about that ring. This is why we have to pay attention not only to today’s headlines, but to history. Poor Angelina. She has so much to overcome.

Do you think she’s worried about Juliette Lewis, too? She and Brad were my favorite couple way back then.

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Alexandria
Twitter:
March 4, 2011 at 4:26 pm

My favorite section of United States Weekly is always “Stars are just like us!” I honestly had no idea that we were all so similar. To think that someone like Jessica Biel actually puts gas in her car. I thought celebrities cars we’re powered by fame & beauty. You learn so much each week.

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 8:42 am

I love that section too. It makes me feel so close to the stars and reminds me that they’re human! Just like us. I think I’ll give them a call to see if they’re free for coffee!

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Your Escalator Operator
Twitter:
March 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I actually did know that about Helena Bonham Carter. Well, except for the cappuccino part. Thought it was a latte.

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 8:45 am

That’s a common mistake. But it was a cappuccino.

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anna see March 4, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I wonder if Brad’s necklace will involve a vial of blood.

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Erin@MommyontheSpot March 4, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Bwhaha! I was wondering the same thing!

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 8:46 am

Another historical reference! Love it!

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K8NYC March 4, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I’m sorry….but HOW could you fail to discuss the Jon Gosselin update on page 102?!? Why, he’s gone “from top dollar to blue collar!” This is a national tragedy which must be discussed! And highlighted! (Highlit?)

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 8:44 am

You are absolutely right and I’m sorry. In my defense, I hovered over that page, which has a “before” photo of Jon surrounded by champagne glasses (with champagne!) and a “after/now” photo of him in a hardhat. It was just almost too much to process.

But I’m so grateful that you brought it up. You’re going to do well in the US Weekly Chat, really well.

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Erin@MommyontheSpot March 4, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I think that I am going to try that whole highlighting thing. Maybe I’ll bring out some sticky notes, too. But they will not be stored in a Heremes holder. More like a snack sized zip bag in my nylon messenger style bag.

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 12:41 pm

For maximum effect, make sure to do it in public!

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alexandra
Twitter:
March 4, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Don’t mind me, I’m just going to sit here and click Lawrence Welk Show all night.

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 12:41 pm

And all morning, I hope.

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Tonya
Twitter:
March 4, 2011 at 11:18 pm

All my grand talk at MamaPop and I couldn’t find a damn US Weekly!!! Or U.S. Weekly for that matter.
Apparently, you doing this column has now caused a shortage…thanks…
So, I bought Star, which says that Brad and Angie are fighting, is that why she’s buying him jewelry? Or is it because Brad secretly likes to dress up in her clothes and be addressed as Miss Penny?

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 12:42 pm

How could you not find US Weekly? IN NYC? I’m afraid I’m going to have to mark your lack of participation in this week’s chat as “unexcused, unexplained and unAmerican.”

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
March 5, 2011 at 7:58 am

I wanted to get people on my Nook but it is not offered. They do have US. Maybe I’ll ge it so I can keep up with you.

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I really hope that “maybe” has a lesser known secondary meaning. Something along the lines of “As soon as humanly possible.”

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Becky Rice March 5, 2011 at 8:49 am

I am anxiously awaiting the “Who wore it best” – sweatpants along with ratty tshirt sporting previous hair coloring stains. I’m no model, but — folicles down — I believe I wear it best(est).

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 12:44 pm

That is a fantastic feature. I’m sure it’s coming soon.

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Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop.
Twitter:
March 5, 2011 at 11:55 am

I’m running straight out to the newsstand. I hate being a day late to the party!

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Marinka March 5, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Oh, don’t worry! It’s going to last the whole weekend. Although I will mark you “tardy.”

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Melanie
Twitter:
March 5, 2011 at 6:50 pm

This is hysterical! Thanks for the update. If I could I would be snagging myself an US Weekly every week but unfortunately I am limited to once a month since the budget is not flexible to allow for a once a week purchase. Ahhh…maybe the kids don’t need to have dinner EVERY night, do they?

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Marinka March 6, 2011 at 8:35 am

The great thing about US Weekly is that you can get a lot from just leafing through it at the grocery store check out line. We have to sneak in education where we can! A budget is no excuse!

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Melanie
Twitter:
March 7, 2011 at 12:24 pm

You’re right! What a good way for me to spend that time waiting in line at the grocery store. Especially my grocery store where long waits in line are notorious – I could leaf through US Weekly and a 1/4 of People at no cost!

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Deborah March 6, 2011 at 2:30 am

OK, I AM culturally challenged. No US Weekly in OZ…but I also don’t know who Kimora Lee Who’sit and Sandra Lee are? Is a Snooki an exotic dancer? The others, well sure I know who they are, but do I care? Not so much.
I look forward to being educated about this bizarre tribal subculture.

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Marinka March 6, 2011 at 8:39 am

The first step is admitting that you need help. Remember, there are no stupid questions! Kimora Lee Simmons used to be married to Russell Simmons. I really hope that you know who he is, because I don’t have a clue.

Sandra Lee is a chef-type person, except she uses prepared food. It seems very magical. I mean her success seems magical, not her recipes. She’s Governor Cuomo’s girlfriend and they’re living in sin and he’s not allowed to eat communion as a result. But since she’s a pseudo-chef, she can probably whip up an excellent communion for him right at home.

Snooki is on Jersey Shore. I don’t know why she’s so popular or why (despite Nicole being her real name) everyone calls her Snooki.

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Marinka March 6, 2011 at 8:39 am

p.s. OZ! I had no idea you were in prison.

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Tracie
Twitter:
March 6, 2011 at 3:37 am

When you say Sandra Lee, do you mean the “semi-homemade” food network woman? And she is living with or married to Governor Cuomo?

I am not going to publicly admit that I thought it was U.S. Weekly for a very long time, until I heard a friend say something about it and realized my mistake.

Also, as much as I would like to see you have a kazillion dollars….if I ever order the Lawrence Welk show, you will have to shoot me. Which would make your kazillion dollars blood money.

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Marinka March 6, 2011 at 8:43 am

Yes, that very same Sandra Lee, living with Governor Cuomo. In sin, I might add.

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Donna March 6, 2011 at 5:21 am

I really don’t like this feature. In Jordan, we don’t have US Weekly. Or U.S. Weekly. Or really any weeklies at all, unless you can read Arabic.

Sometimes I find old copies of US, or even People if I’m lucky, lying around in the Embassy. I steal them, of course. But you never know what you’re going to get. I was lucky enough to find an issue just the other day, and it announced that Katie and Tom are getting divorced. I was shocked! Poor Suri – what would become of Suri??? But then, upon closer inspection, I discovered that the magazine was over a year old. So: did they get divorced? Re-married? Married to someone else? I won’t know until I go home next summer. By then Jennifer Aniston could’ve gone through 10 more hairdos, and I’ll never even know!

Maybe, with all of your blogging influence, you can start some sort of a charity magazine program and people can send their old USs to us poor diplomats? We’re suffering over here. It just isn’t right…

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Marinka March 6, 2011 at 8:42 am

I feel your pain. No one should have to live like this, no one. Being without US Weekly is tyrannical. I’m so sorry that you and your loved ones are going through this.

To answer your most urgent questions: Katie and Tom are still married to each other and for the past few years Suri has been wearing high heels. Like she’s the one in the family that needs them. Pfft.

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
March 6, 2011 at 10:21 am

Am I the only one thinking “necklace…leash?” in terms of the Jolie/Pitt menage? I suspect, too, that what’s being engraved is the names of all those damn kids, a sort of checklist, if you will.
I commend you on another fact-filled public service blog. You’ve not only saved me the price of the magazine, you’ve saved me having to go to the grocery store in the rain to flip through the pictures. HOWEVER. Did the mag not enter the “who was best-dressed at Oscars” race? I will not sleep until I know who they’ve dubbed best & worst.

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Marinka March 6, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Yes, there was a lot about Oscars fashion. But please remember that I am only one person. Obviously I’m going to have to get some kind of a staff.

Maybe Brad if the necklace is long enough.

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The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
March 6, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Actually, I’m fascinated by the “Commoners: They’re Just like Stars” section! Like the check-out guy at my local Safeway? He’s Steve Buscemi with an apron. Hot, right?

I just love the US Weekly posts. Can’t wait until next week.

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Marinka March 6, 2011 at 4:52 pm

The good news is that there are many Steve Buscemis around. It’s what I like to call “a mixed blessing.”

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From Belgium March 7, 2011 at 4:41 am

I love this, without this post I would never have know that Jennifer has new hair or that stars need air too. Damn you Belgium and your second rate gossip rags…

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erin margolin
Twitter:
March 7, 2011 at 8:55 am

I am super sad that my post-its (when I remember them) are at the bottom of my Target purse with bits of crushed crackers, lint, hair, and God knows what else stuck to them. I think I need a fancy-schmancy holder for them. Must show this to hubs so he knows what to get me for my next bday.

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Phoenix Rising
Twitter:
March 7, 2011 at 4:52 pm

This is EXACTLY why I refuse to wear Louboutin’s. They are DANGEROUS! You don’t see me gouging out my ankle with my circa 1993 Newport Eastland loafers.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
March 7, 2011 at 6:45 pm

what’s up turkeys?! Love that.

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Princess Schmamy March 8, 2011 at 5:21 am

I feel a little sad for me sometimes because it costs 10 euros per and I can’t be bothered to pay that much BUT now that you’re offering this service, there is light at the end of the tunnel! People has an iPad app, I’ll now check on Us!

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Lady Jennie March 8, 2011 at 9:50 am

Well I, for one, am glad that you’re giving me the updates from U.S. Weekly since we only get the foreign news over here.

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