Woman Stuff

by Marinka on September 4, 2008

And I don’t mean Sarah Palin. Although, seriously? I so would have hated her in high school. And yes, I’m sexist and everything, blah blah blah, but was anyone else sort of expecting her to rip off her glasses and shake out her hair and straddle Giuliani? Please. Like she’s going to straddle him with her glasses on. Ok, so I just threw the straddling stuff in there to be inflammatory, but what are you supposed to do once you rip off your glasses and shake out your hair? Because I totally could see that.

But anyway.

This morning I woke up with the most horrendous cramps and I remembered that once during my annual physical, I told my ob/gyn that I had bad menstrual cramps and he said “What do you take for it?” and I said “Tylenol” and he said “That doesn’t really help, you should take ____”. Except instead of “____”, he said the name of the medicine that I should take, but apparently that’s the part where I had a mini-stroke and blanked out entirely and focused instead on the cross section representation of a pregnant woman in his office. And how I’ve been pregnant twice and at no time did a doctor ever take the model down and show me anything on it. And if they don’t do it while you’re pregnant, I can’t imagine them ever doing, so what the hell is it there for? Apparently, it does double duty as a paperweight. Nice. Like pregnant women don’t feel heavy enough without having their model used in this debasing manner.

So, I was thinking this morning how it may be nice for me to find out what medicine my doctor really recommends for menstrual cramps before, you know, I hit menopause, and how I should really call him or send him an email or something.

I mean, I’ve sent him emails before. I even came across one recently, from eight years ago, when I was eight months pregnant. It went something like this:

Hi!I think I’m labor! Thanks! Marinka Pregnantinka

and he wrote back:

Do not email when you are in labor, call the office.

And I’ve certainly called him before. Like the time that I was on Weight Watchers and despite shaving my legs and getting a hair cut, the weight just wasn’t coming off and I called to see how much weight I would lose if my uterus were removed. I mean, it was part of a general conversation about “how remember that time that I emailed you about being in labor? Crazy stuff, huh, by the way if someone gets their uterus removed, well, mostly women, I guess, ha ha. So, if it happens, how much weight would she lose? This woman, I mean? What? A few ounces? That’s it? Well, what if her uterus was like made of steel? Well, they say ‘ovaries of steel’, how much of a stretch is a uterus of steel? Whatever, I was just curious, about science and stuff. Like Einstein. Ok, yes, Merry Christmas to you, too, doctor! Thanks!”

One year ago ...

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Aunt Becky September 4, 2008 at 12:37 pm

You know, even as a nurse, I never got to play with the model. Sad, but true.

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Roadchick September 4, 2008 at 12:45 pm

Advil, Motrin, Ibuprofen.

All the same thing – get the store brand and save some $$$.

Take it with a little milk if you’re prone to getting an upset stomach from anti-inflammatories.

Hope you feel better!

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ms. changes pants while driving September 4, 2008 at 2:09 pm

my doctor told me ibuprofen. and she gave me a huge bottle of 600 mg of ibuprofen. and she told me to take it. but it doesn’t DO anything.

seriously and honestly and truly… the only thing that helps is a mai tai or three. i’ve tried wine, i’ve tried beer. vodka. no joke. but i can’t spend 5 days in a vodka stupor.

i would like an injection of dark chocolate into my uterus. i think that would totally do the trick.

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anymommy September 4, 2008 at 2:48 pm

I just found another benefit to being married to a pharmacist. I never have to consider emailing a doctor to ask about mediciation. I just ask him and he tells me to suck it up because cramps don’t hurt that badly and then I knee him where it hurts quite badly and we don’t have to worry about the whole pregnancy thing anymore.

But, uh, yeah, back to you! Cramps suck. You’re still funny even when you’re crampy.

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MomMega September 4, 2008 at 8:52 pm

I love that you emailed your doctor when you were in labor!! You really crack me up! Hope your cramps feel better, a heating pad always helps for me!

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Schmutzie September 4, 2008 at 11:35 pm
jon September 5, 2008 at 12:27 am

Yes, she totally looks like the Hot for Teacher girl

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Heinous September 5, 2008 at 7:17 am

Sounds like a new character on “Heroes” Ovary girl with her uterus of steel. I’m not sure what her special power would be but I’m pretty sure the censors wouldn’t like it. Perhaps she could inflict cramps from a distance though.

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Z September 5, 2008 at 11:19 am

ibuprofin would work better, if you can take it. also, caffeine helps. things like midol and the other ones marketed for menstural cramps? caffeine + tylenol/ibuprofin. so – take your tylenol with a nice strong cup o coffee 🙂

and what is it about today and cramps? because mine? were killing me this morning. so it was a 3 cups of cofee, many many tylenol pills kind of morning…

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