You Try Titling This One!

by Marinka on July 8, 2010

There are four things I  need to tell you right now.

1.  Remember how Wendi was on friendship probation?  Well, Heather is now on probation as well. And unlike Wendi, who was on common probation, Heather is on labial probation.

You heard me.

Because one day I emailed Heather to ask what was the singular of labia and she wrote back that it was one of those words that is the same singular and plural, so it one labia was labia.

Now before you think that I’m some kind of pervert who emails people out of the blue about genitalia, let me reassure you that the only reason that I emailed Heather is because we were discussing labia in the scientific sense and I didn’t have internet access for Googling.

But even though she said that the singular was labia, I had my suspicions and when I got home, I sped-googled it and learned that it was, in fact, labium.

According to Wikipedia:

  • Labium (genitalia), a part of the female external genitalia (singular of “labia” in human anatomy)

So, to avoid any misunderstandings, like if you’re complimenting someone, you should say “I like your lower left labium (genitalia)” so that she doesn’t think that you’re talking about her insect’s mouthpart.

2.  A while ago I saw The Way I See It, a memoir by Melissa Sue Anderson in the bookstore.  I really wanted to read it, because Melissa Sue was my second favorite Melissa on Little House on the Prairie, which I watched religiously.  And in order to save money, I got the book out of the library.

Can you guess how the money-saving idea worked out for me?

Let me just cut to the chase and say that I’ve read two chapters of the book before flinging it figuratively across the room (although I did enjoy the passage about how when Melissa Sue auditioned for Mary her agent was told that she’d have to lose some weight because she looked a bit too well-fed for a pioneer) and that it is now super past due and I owe the library some enormous amount of money and my borrowing privileges have been suspended pending the resolution of the charges against me and I think I’m about to be deported to Russia as part of that whole spy exchange program.  The only good thing about this whole Melissa Sue nightmare is that while the book is at my house, one less person will read it.  That’s The Way I See It.

3. I am taking an on-line writing class.  I hate it.

I shouldn’t have taken it.  I don’t have time for a writing class and I definitely don’t have the discipline.  But I was lured by the fact that it was online, which I think I assume meant that we’d all play Solitaire over Skype or something, while drinking Gimlets.

I don’t know.

We get an assignment.   Like last week it was to write everyday.  And this week it’s to read a memoir that we enjoy and take notes on what we like about it and think how we can use it in our own work.

Fortunately, I just read the two chapters of Melissa Sue’s opus and I know that I liked the part where she was called too fat to be a pioneer.  I have a feeling that I’ll be able to work it into my memoir somehow.

And then we’re supposed to post 6 to 10 pages of our writing and everyone comments on it and we’re supposed to comment on everyone else’s.  And everyone else posts really thoughtful and insightful comments and mine are always “loved it! especially the first few lines! can’t wait to read more!”  I’m worried that people are becoming suspicious.

Also someone told me that I did a lot of exposition which I found totally outrageous, mostly because I didn’t know what the word meant and then I looked it up and the definition was “Marinka’s writing” so I had to retreat to my corner and sulk.

Plus many people in the group are fantastic writers, so it’s sort of intimidating.

4. I joined Groupon.  Doesn’t that sound like a coupon for group sex?  Well, it isn’t.  They promise businesses a certain number of buyers and get a huge discount on items in return.  So, every morning, I see an offer to buy something super cheap. It shows you how many people have already committed to buy it and how many people are needed to get the group discount.  (I see them for NYC because that’s where I live, duh, but they have them everywhere. I think).  It’s fantastic because I generally can resist all the offers, so I feel like I’m saving money by passing them up.  But yesterday there was a Groupon for Pure Power Bootcamp.  I’m a little concerned that Pure is code for Aryan or something, but I guess we’ll all be wearing camouflage.

I have to do the session within a year, so stay tuned.  But I already explored the website and learned many wonderful things.  Like if you don’t come to boot camp, they call you in the middle of the night.  Gosh, I hope I remember to put my cell phone on vibrate!  Scary!  But I also saw that they have barbed wire and a rope wall and that I’ll be a part of a platoon.  And that if I do something wrong, the whole platoon suffers.  I’m guessing that they will call my platoon members in the middle of night to tell them what a lameass their co-platoonist Marinka is.

I can’t wait!

p.s.   I realized that I never publicly announced the winners of the Avon Glazewear giveaway— Haley and Missa.  Yay, glazed ladies!

One year ago ...

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Wendi
Twitter:
July 8, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Thank goodness I’m off friendship probation. I can finally breathe easy.

And everyone knows you should come to me for all of your gynecological definitions because I’ve seen “9 1/2 Weeks” like 50 times.

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Alicia
Twitter:
July 8, 2010 at 8:07 pm

The only Groupon I’ve ever felt compelled to buy was a bunch of Australian frozen “meat pies.” (Um, what?) Luckily, my account was redeemed when my spouse bought me a massage for my birthday. Wish I could say it was a labium massage.

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dusty earth mother July 8, 2010 at 8:47 pm

I wish I had won the Glazewear. I could have used it on my labium.

Hilarious post, Marinka. I am commenting on your hilariousness from Fort Bragg, NC, stop #76 on the World’s Longest Car Trip. Glad I still have a sense of humor.

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Ann's Rants July 8, 2010 at 9:23 pm

Poor fat blind Mary.

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Christine July 8, 2010 at 9:39 pm

I could not get enough of Little House as a kid and while I like Laura better, I thought Mary was prettier, and would have given it up for Almonzo in a prairie heartbeat!

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anna see July 8, 2010 at 9:57 pm

Oh my. Don’t know what I’d title this, but I loved it! Read the excerpts of Melissa Gilbert’s bio in People last year– spicy times w/ Rob Lowe. Maybe you should try that one next.

Expositorily yours (don’t think that ones in the dictionary),
Anna

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Lisa Rae @ smacksy July 8, 2010 at 10:42 pm

I’m proud to say that I have a signed 8×10 from Melissa Sue A from her pre-braille days on the skinny-ass prairie.

My title for your post: All That and a Bag of Labium

You’re welcome.

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Sophie@Fabrications July 9, 2010 at 2:11 am

You think “labium” is difficult? Do you know how long it takes people to internalize that the “mitochondria” is the plural of “mitochondrium”, rather than the singular of “mitochondrias”?

I haven’t used that word so many times in a sentence since the late 1990’s.

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Awesome dude July 9, 2010 at 8:53 am

This a very simple Latin word and genital application is very secondary.

Original and primary meaning has to do with the mouth. Dentists commonly say “mucosal lining of the lower labium”

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake July 9, 2010 at 10:23 am

I have no idea what you just said. I’m just going to go back to calling my parts ‘cooter’.

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lanned July 9, 2010 at 10:05 am

I fell for groupon too…I’ve managed to resist most of the offers because everyone is something I fucking want but we are poor and only have money for special occasions and my hubby doesn’t think helicopter lesson warrant a special occasion thing. He sucks…but I still love him cause he does it good.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake July 9, 2010 at 10:25 am

I thought you emailed me because we feel comfortable enough around each other to be perverts?

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anymommy July 9, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Well, I’m about to be dead to Heather when I tell the story about the time my roommate picked at her eyeball for over an hour. It’s her fault, she reminded me of that story with a comment she left on my blog.

Once she declares me dead, we can hang out and be “no longer friends of Heather” BFFs.

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traci July 10, 2010 at 10:04 am

I had no idea there was some smaller writing with the whole groupon thing. I get those emails and just think to myself I’d much rather pay full price for a massage at the Umi Organic Spa than walk in with my coupon.

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The Lady Ashefield July 10, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Don’t even think twice about it Heather– wear it as a badge of honour– right on your labia!! and just just giggle thru it. Plus!! Bonus points– being on probation is ALL the rage these days! :)) All the fun kids anyway.

apparently i am on friendship probation with Marinka’s work geigh John — get this– level 17 sub-factor 5. WTF??
there is no 17 sub-factor 5 probation level…. i’ve watched ALL those juvie shows- never once heard of it.
in fact- i think i may pull a Lindsy on him and paint a F & U on my fingernails… that’ll show him!!

By the way Marinka- love you- love your blog,
The Lady Ashefield

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Maravonda July 10, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Part One: As a nurse, I have never heard of labium, so I think Heather gets a pass.
Part Two: Melissa Sue Anderson always looked snotty to me. I am sorry you may be deported by the library police. As you said, it was a public service.
Part Three: If too much exposition is your worst writing flaw, you will be brilliantly successful. Someof the published authors I have read lately (and unfortunately, read to The End) could have used an online class or two.
And Part Four….I am scared for you….

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peajaye
Twitter:
July 10, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Suggested titles:
Lips, Hips, Quips and Whips!
or
A c*nt, a runt, a shunt, and a hunt.

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Gretchen July 11, 2010 at 12:27 pm

When you get to the library to return the Melissa Sue book, check out Tatum O’Neal’s autobiography. It will totally restore your faith in screwed-up-ex-child star-turned-drug-addict memoirs!

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Jeanne July 11, 2010 at 6:59 pm

I can’t believe you called yourself a “platoonist,” which sounds a cartoonist stuck in a sexless relationship.

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alexandra
Twitter:
July 12, 2010 at 2:55 am

Marinka: all I can think of from that post is to tell you to not be intimidated by other writers.
You are fantastic. I read you and wonder why you don’t have a book out already.

I just wonder, why don’t you?

Your writing reminds me of a book I finished by Diana Joseph.

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