From the monthly archives:

January 2010

Happy Nickiversary and Sad Bagel News

by Marinka on January 30, 2010

This weekend marks a one year anniversary of our beloved cat Nicki coming into our lives.

I had planned huge festivities.

For one, I was going to do a Nicki Year in Review recap, the highs and the lows, preferably set to music. I had mentally choreographed a scene where she and Husbandrinka ran towards each other with outstretched arms/paws, but then General Hospital was really riveting this week, so I didn’t have a lot of free time.

Then, I planned to do a photo retrospective, but then I saw this how-do-you-do from Heather, and I can’t compete with that shit.

The big surprise was going to be that I trained Nicki to be litter box-free through a 21-day-EZ program that I read about. Basically, every day, I had to elevate the litter box a few inches, until one day it’s eye to eye with the toilet (litter box eye to toilet eye, that is) and then the cat goes, “hmm…let me use the toilet instead!” and everyone is happy.

Except Nicki’s box kept falling off the stacked magazines which for some reason made everyone really cranky and Nicki poop next to the turned over litter box.

I consulted the book and saw my mistake. Apparently when the litter box on top of magazines was starting to resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you’re supposed to replace the magazines with cinder blocks or bricks.

“Hey,” I asked Husbandrinka. “Do we have cinder blocks or bricks?”
“No,” said Husbandrinka. And then, as far as he was concerned, that was the end of the conversation.
A normal person would have dropped everything and ran outside screaming “Cinder blocks! I need cinder blocks!” until someone came to his aid, but not Husbandrinka. Because he doesn’t love me, like he promised before all our family and friends and God to.

But the final straw was when papa came over last week to watch Young Ladrinka who was enjoying a “stomach ache”. (More on this next week. As soon as my blood pressure stabilizes.)
Marinka, he emailed me. What is this meshugas in the bathroom with Nicki’s litterbox? She is very young still and doesn’t need torture. And then he mentioned that his mother, a psychiatrist in the former Soviet Union, would have committed a person who did such a thing to their pet to the Stupid House. I’m not sure that that was the formal name of the mental health asylums, but I felt that it was inappropriate to argue with him.

So, to celebrate the one year Nickiversary, I’ve dismantled Nicki’s leaning Tower of Pisa litter box and she’s using it again, like an animal.

In other important, news, remember Bagel Half? Well, I now officially miss Bagel Half. Because this afternoon, I looked at our fruit bowl and there was some kind of Bagel Fraction on it.

Hi, I'm Bagel Fraction! Nice to meet you!

“What the hell is this?” I asked Husbandrinka.
“I ate a little more of the bagel this morning,” he confessed.
“You have been eating exactly one half of the bagel for over two years,” I told him. “And I was going to photographically document in on my blog!” I didn’t tell him that I was hoping to win some kind of a blog Pulitzer for my efforts because I don’t like to jinx myself. Oh.

And now that’s ruined.
I just can’t catch a break.

Last bit of news. BlogHer ’10 is in August in NYC. I’ll be there, unless it falls on laundry day. And not only that, but some of my co-Mouthy Housewives and I and everyone’s favorite Aunt Becky have put together a proposal for a room, called Dear Abby 2.0: Giving Advice in the Blogosphere. It’s going to be fantastic, but we need your help. Just click here, log on to BlogHer and then click “I would attend this session” (it’s just above the title: Dear Abby 2.0). After you click it it will miraculously say “I would not attend this session”. This means that your vote for the session has been successfully registered. Thank you!


Happy Anniversary!

by Marinka on January 28, 2010

This week, I’ve been seething at Husbandrinka. Because every night, he is out at some event. “And,” John reminds me, “he had that deluxe steak dinner at Wolfgang’s on Friday night, while you stayed home and had Domino’s with the kids.” I’m really lucky to have a gay best friend like John, because it’s hard to keep track of my grudges by myself.
Last night was the final straw.
Husbandrinka returned from our favorite restaurant, after enjoying a light dinner and martinis with visiting-from-Paris-friends (yes, the friends who have a view of the Eiffel Tower from their living room), and told me that his martini wasn’t as chilled as he thought it should be.
“Don’t start with me,” I said, and paused Millionaire Matchmaker. “I’m seething at you.”
“Why?” He asked, all innocent-eyed.
“Because every night you’ve been out, wining and dining and enjoying, while I’m stuck at home like some kind of a house slave.”
“A slave who has premium cable?”
“I don’t think Bravo is premium, I think it’s just a plus.”
“Most of the nights, I was out for work.”
“Is that why you’re mad.”
“No,” I lied. Because I didn’t want to sound petty. “I’m also deeply upset and offended that today was the anniversary of liberation of Auschwitz and you did absolutely nothing to commemorate it.”
“I didn’t know that it was an anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz,” Husbandrinka told me and I became momentarily concerned because he had actually visited Auschwitz, so I was under threat of him telling me about it and somehow gaining moral advantage.
“Well, maybe if you spent a little less time ‘working’ and a little more time on Twitter, you’d know these things.”
Point made.

And then I wondered if Hallmark made Auschwitz liberation cards, whether The Checkout Girl would file them under “Congratulations!” or “With Sympathy”.



January 27, 2010

I’ve told you before mama’s feelings about lice, but if you are new to this blog, you should review them here.  That was written over a year ago and you’d think that mama would have become more modern on the whole lice issue. But you would be wrong, because mama still maintains that lice is […]

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Bagel Half

January 26, 2010

Hi! I’m Pear. I’m here with my friends Apple, Kiwi, Banana and Tangerine. Also, our buddy Garlic stopped by. And so did Bagel Half. Bagel Half tries to blend in, but he doesn’t. Bagel Half sticks out like a sore thumb. Marinka doesn’t think that Bagel Half belongs here with us, but Husbandrinka is all, […]

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This Is So They Don’t Do Drugs

January 25, 2010

Along with most suckers in America, Husbandrinka and I believe that if you have dinner with your kids, they are less likely to do drugs. I’m guessing this works because the dinner-time conversation are so mind-numbing that kids won’t need to turn to narcotics to deaden their senses. Or it could be that kids realize […]

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January 23, 2010

Obviously, I’m going through some kind of a hormonal imbalance and am posting depressing things on a humor blog. But fuck it, if grown ass men can have hissy fits over multimillion dollar contracts, I’m going to whine about how hard it is being a mother in NYC in 2010, and in every other location […]

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I Don’t Know

January 21, 2010

It’s overwhelming sometimes. Haiti. Not Haiti. Everything. The other day, I dropped off my daughter at a wholesome American after-school activity, basketball, and then as I walked down the street to the library and to buy some overpriced organic chicken breasts for dinner at the local overpriced meatmonger, I saw a car speeding at what […]

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Other Things Admitted by John Edwards

January 21, 2010

Today, John Edwards admitted that he fathered a child with his mistress. Of course, this has gotten lots of press and some of John’s other announcements have gone largely unnoticed. Here they are: 1. Water is wet. 2. I am a piece of cheating shit. (Apologies to shit everywhere). 3. For betraying my wife. 4. […]

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