From the monthly archives:

February 2011

Double Standards

by Marinka on February 27, 2011

This weekend there was a huge article about mommy blogging and Dooce in the New York Times, so of course, OF COURSE, the comment section of the Motherlode blog is filled with the whole “MOMMY BLOGGERS ARE EXPLOITING THEIR INNOCENT CHILDREN!” stuff. Oh my god, the innocent children cry. Give me a fucking break. What about us? The parents. The mothers.

Let me paint you a picture.

Let’s use watercolors, shall we? The faint blue, to capture the winter sky. The white, the brightest of Benjamin Moore whites, the glistening newscaster’s teeth white, for the snowy mountains. The Catskill mountains. See my kids there with my Papa? They are away for a ski weekend. Some of their friends came too. Whoosh! There they go down the mountain! Please note the reddish hue of their cheeks! They are outdoors, skiing and happy.

And what is Marinka doing? Well, let’s put away the colors for that sketch. We’ll use charcoal, or pen and pencil, maybe. We find Marinka at home, in the West Village, cleaning. See? There she is in the bathroom on her hands and knees, scrubbing the toilet. What’s that? Oh, that’s just some Comet chlorox cleaner that splashed into Marinka’s eye from the toilet. No big whoop. We won’t know until later if she’s blinded or not, of course, but that’s what life is, after all, one adventure after another!

Marinka is now done cleaning the bathroom and squinting at it with her one working eye; she is pleased with how clean it is. Yes, a sense of accomplishment washes over her, because apparently the drop of Comet that splashed into her eye has somehow traveled into her brain and performed a virtual lobotomy.

Marinka goes to her daughter’s room and empties out the trash can. Something is stuck to the bottom. It’s typed. It looks like something Marinka’s daughter typed. Should Marinka read it? Surely reading it would somehow violate Marinka’s 12 year old daughter’s privacy. Fortunately Marinka subscribes to the paparazzi theory that garbage is up for grabs!

Marinka sets down her cleaning utensils and begins to read.

Mini Essay: Double Standards

My family doesn’t have a lot of double standards, except for my mom.

The arguments about that are between my brother and my mom and they sound like this:

“Mom, can I have some ice cream?”

“Sure, but only one portion.”

“What? Why can’t I have two?”

“Because you can’t have a lot. It’s too much!”

A day later, most of the ice cream is gone, obviously eaten by my mother. My brother gets upset at my mom and a small argument occurs.

Now, what do I think about this? What made it a double standard is that my mom said that my brother couldn’t have ice cream but then goes and eats it all. Double standards are just setting rules and breaking them because she can. I for one think it’s not controlling oneself because she is the most powerful and no one can tell her what to do.

Another example proving my point happened today, February ninth (Ed. note: I’m surprised she didn’t add, the Year of Our Lord, 2011).

My mom always tells my brother to wear a hat so he won’t get sick, but a couple of days ago she didn’t wear one herself. She spent today in bed, sick and I bet she regrets not wearing a hat.

This is what happens when one doesn’t follow a rule that does her good. Why not follow it? People can be lazy sometimes, but they just have to stop their temptations and follow the rule. For health.


First of all, may it please the court, I did not eat all the ice cream. After the children-gluttons have their portions I have mine, so of course, OF COURSE the total amount of ice cream is reduced, but it has been pre-reduced by the children.

Second of all, my daughter is writing essays about how “obviously” I ate all the ice cream. And handing it to the teacher. And probably reading it to the class. Oh, I’m sure she’s getting a good grade for it, she always does. At my expense. That’s right, I feel exploited. Why should her academic success come at the price of everyone knowing that my children accuse me of eating all the ice cream.

Aren’t parents entitled to some privacy? Was I asked if I wanted my private ice cream eating habits exposed to the world of 12 year old classmates?! No wonder they snicker when they see me and hold their pixie sticks a little bit tighter when I walk by.

I say that as parents, it’s time we stop focusing so much on the children and start standing up for our own rights. If we don’t now, we have no right to complain when they Mommie Dearest us when they’re adults.

Join me. Insist that your children don’t use your lives as fodder for their homework assignments, sharing time at school, Facebook updates or conversations with their friends.

Or if they absolutely must, have them include a link back to your blog.


US Weekly Chat

by Marinka on February 25, 2011

Dear Friends and Possible Enemies,

It’s unusual for me to be posting on a Friday night, but I’m doing it because I have something very special to share. See, for the past few hours, I mean, days, I’ve been thinking about how I could give something back to the community that has given me so much. I mean the blogging community, the Tweeting community, heck, I’ll even throw in those Facebookers for good measure.

And after giving it some careful consideration, I decided that like Oprah, I’d give you the gift of reading. Now, I’m not saying that you’re illiterate, but I think we could all better ourselves by widening our reading horizons. So it would be fun for us to do a book group together. But since I already belong to a book group where we discuss important issues, and also to an online book group, I don’t have time to take on another reading project. But when has that ever stopped me?

So I decided to form an US Weekly discussion group.

I will read the new issue of US Weekly by Friday night and post some of the more important observations. Feel free to chime in with questions, opinions or suggestions about how to proceed with my canonization.

It is my hope that this weekly column will allow us to explore together the more subtle aspects of US Weekly and that together we will benefit from a richer, more in-depth analysis of every issue.

Join me. Our adventure begins.

Cover Story: Miley’s Family Is Torn Apart! Apparently, Miley cuts of her dad! OH NO! His heart must be achy breaky! More on that later!

Looking at Heidi Klum and Esperanza Spalding in a Suno fashion nightmare, I recommend that US rename the “Who Wore It Best” feature to “Who Wore It Least Worst.”

Great news! Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are talking again. I had no idea that they’d stopped talking, but holy shit, Kim’s breasts are huge!

Pre-Tragedy! Frankie Muniz, from Malcolm in the Middle, involved in some kind of domestic violence thing. I don’t understand it! Usually teen stars turn out so Danny Bonaduce well.

The “What’s in My Bag” takes a peek inside Gabrielle Union’s purse! She has spray on sunscreen for her dog, and according to the accompanying photo a $5 bill. I’m taking her off my “Must Mug” list.

“25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” always my favorite, is by Eliza Dushku. So now I know that she’s an “Archbishop Desmond Tutu fanatic” but I still have no idea who she is. Probably a diplomat.

“Loose Talk” which consists of fun quotes by the celebrities, lets us know that Jennifer Aniston is obsessed with Jersey Shore. Yeah, Brad Pitt is kicking himself for letting her get away.

Oh my shit, we’re only on page 20!

“Hot Pics!” Celebrities in bathing suits. Wait a minute, is HOT PICS always celebrities in bathing suits?! And is the “O” in HOT always a blazing sun? See? I’m paying more attention already! I don’t want to say anything, but I hope that Kelcey Grammer loves his fiancee’s soul and mind.

Know what’s great about US Weekly? I mean, besides the obvious great stuff? Even their ads are awesome. Like, there’s an ad for Taking on Tyson, about Mike Tyson, that’s premiering on Animal Planet in March. Animal Planet has the unfortunate tagline “Surprisingly Human” which I’m worried is going to send the wrong message here. But in a brief Q&A Mike Tyson claims that “his most prized possession” is “my children, by far.” Ok, then! Also, Mike has over 2,000 pigeons, so he’s just like you and me!

Speaking of which, it’s time for everyone’s favorite “Stars! They’re Just Like Us!” Unfortunately this week doesn’t feature anyone watching The Bachelor with a glass of chardonnay. Instead, we have Hugh Laurie buying his wife flowers on Valentine’s Day and Carrie Underwood biting her nails. Which is weird, because I’ve never bitten Carrie Underwood’s nails, nor gotten flowers for Mrs. Laurie.

Ok, back to the important stuff. Miley. So Miley Cyrus had an 18th birthday party and her dad wasn’t there and when asked why not he said because it was held in a bar. He’s also worried about her recent antics, that seem too boring to read about (sorry! This part of the article is like the whole vessel thing in Moby Dick that I totally skipped over in high school). Some sources are all like what? He pushed her to do the show! Other sources say something else. Good god. The Mike Tyson ad was more interesting that this. Also, Miley’s parents are either getting a divorce or are reconciling.

There’s so much more! Like “The Test Your Real Housewives IQ” which yes, does sounds oxymoronic, but is that just an excuse since you don’t know which housewife uttered “Close your legs to married men!”? And important television news for the week ahead (Bethenny Ever After premiers on Monday!)

There’s more, but I’m exhausted. They’re picking at Christina again. So what if she forgot the national anthem and is drinking a lot. Which one of us hasn’t been there?

What do you think?

Favorite Features? Questions? Who is Brooklyn Decker?


Fruit Salad

February 25, 2011

I wasn’t going to post today because I’m working on something very special for later this evening for my blog. Yes, Friday night, when no one’s reading blogs. I know how to drive internet traffic. But I’m having this problem lately where I don’t understand what people are saying to me. Like, earlier this month […]

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An Emergency I’m Right, You’re Wrong

February 24, 2011

OMFG. My kids have a chore chart. Every week, they sign up for chores. This has been going on for years. This morning, Young Ladrinka and I had this conversation: Marinka: Don’t forget to empty out the dishwasher, Young Ladrinka. Young Ladrinka: I don’t have to do it until Wednesday. Marinka: Today is Wednesday. Young […]

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February 23, 2011

I pick up Young Ladrinka at a friend’s house, and we start heading home.  We’re walking through the West Village and he doesn’t even notice that he’s holding my hand, I tricked him, because I didn’t bring my gloves and told him that I needed to hold his glove for warmth. It’s not my fault […]

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The Black Swan Nut

February 22, 2011

I saw Black Swan over the weekend. At one moment I reached for my BlackSwanBerry to tweet “Holy shit, I should get an Oscar for sitting through this” and saw that I had a text message from my twelve year old daughter. How’s b.s.?, she wrote. Haha, I meant Black Swan. Sorry for the coincidence. […]

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February 21, 2011

I’m not a natural optimist, so I’m having a hard time understanding why, when I stepped on something on my way back from picking up Starbucks the other morning, did I lift up my foot, look at the bottom of my shoe and say to myself, “Oh! A brownie!”? And why, half an hour later, […]

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February 18, 2011

OMG, I almost had a nervous breakdown at the Hallmark store this week.   For some reason I am the only person in my family who buys greeting cards for other people. Which is sort of inexplicable because I am the person who cares about cards the least.  I mean, I seriously don’t care if you […]

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