And Then I Told Her About That Stuff

by Marinka on October 3, 2011

Honestly, I’m a very normal person so I don’t even know how this shit happens to me all the time.

Like the time a few years ago when I told my daughter about menstruation. It was a disaster.

And last weekend we were talking about HIV for some reason and she said that she’s not worried about it because she’s not planning on having sex for a long time, thank you baby Jesus. Please learn from my mistake. If your daughter says this to you, you can respond in a variety of ways.

See if you can pick out what I, Dumbass chose:

Of course you won’t be having sex for a long time! It’s so painful and makes you gain a ton of weight!

I’m so happy that you are making age-appropriate decisions, honey. Let’s celebrate with ice cream!

When you say sex, do you mean just vaginal intercourse? Because I know a lot of kids these days don’t consider oral sex to be sex, but it is and it’s pretty serious.

Yes, I did. Because I thought it was one of those teachable moments. Except she said “what’s oral sex?” and I remembered, once again, that there is no “undo” button when you’re talking to your kids. (By the way, do Macs have an Undo button or is this Pulitzer-winning reference lost on all you MacHeads?)

So she asked me what oral sex was and I said, “never mind” and for some reason she didn’t like that answer and said, “fine, I’ll just Google it then” and that’s how I stopped in the middle of Fifth Avenue and explained oral sex to my daughter.

But what choice did I have?

Fucking internet.

I blame Al Gore.

One year ago ...

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{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

MommyTime
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 12:17 am

Hahahahaha!

I mean, I’m sorry you had to explain oral sex to your daughter in the middle of Fifth Avenue. On the bright side, at least it wasn’t in the middle of Barney’s with some nosy sales-clerk eavesdropping. Also, when you explain such things to your children, you have the advantage of being able to make them sound tremendously gross, no? So that they don’t want to try them till they’re, like, 40? At least, that’s my plan if I’m ever caught unawares in the middle of Fifth Avenue about to explain oral sex to MY daughter…

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Marinka October 3, 2011 at 12:19 pm

The fact that it wasn’t at Barney’s is, indeed, a blessing.
See, I knew that my no-shopping spending freeze would come with a silver lining.

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Twsited Domestic Goddess October 3, 2011 at 2:54 am

Bwahahahaha oh boy do I feel your pain. I’m pretty open with my kids but about a month ago my oldest(he’s 12) asked me how lesbians can have sex. Now let me state I have no problem telling him how lesbians have sex what I got caught up on is the fact that he would put two and two together and figure out that heterosexuals can get off the same way and that would mean that his mom does and then would come the questions of “well do you do it that way???” and well the last question he asked me about my sex life was “mom why do you sound like you’re in pain if it’s supposed to feel good”(note to self buy a ball gag lol) and I just wasn’t ready to go down that road again.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes October 3, 2011 at 7:31 am

Thank you for your words of wisdom Marinka, I will note them down for when my little minxes are old enough to ask about sex.

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Becky
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 7:38 am

I’m so glad my husband will be having these discussions with our boys, who so far have only asked what a hickey is. (Thank you Katy Perry and your stupid song “Last Friday Night”.) At least they didn’t ask what menage a trois meant.

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OHmommy
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 8:03 am

Oh no. Hahahahaha. It’s too early in the morning to comment about oral sex.

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Fairly Odd Mother
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 8:12 am

LOL, wait, did your daughter come home with you or did she turn to stone in the middle of Fifth Avenue?!? I’ve been pretty open talking about some topics but this one totally freaks me out. I can just hear, “YOU DO WHAT?!??!”

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Marinka October 3, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Well, obviously I explained that only huge perverts do that type of stuff.

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Alexandra
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 8:28 am

You did the right thing.

Serious hat now.

The right thing.

I cannot tell you how lucky I feel that I decided when I was a teen, that I wanted an open environment for discussion, which was so unlike what I had.

I promised myself when I was 15 that I would, if a parent, have my kids know they could ask me anything.

And they do. They come to me with everything, and I listen, and I talk. And I am so grateful that they know and trust me.

Like I said, serious hat time.

High 5 to you, Marinka…and thank you, Al Gore.

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Marinka October 3, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Thank you.

And yes, I will tell my children whatever they want to know without those ridiculous euphemisms. But what worried me was that I was telling her about something before she was curious about it.

On the other hand she did bring up HIV, so that’s an opening, right?

So, yes, thank you. I will accept that Nobel Peace Prize now.

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Josette at Halushki October 3, 2011 at 8:39 am

I agree: right thing. (By talking about it, I mean.)

The best thing is open communication and letting kids know that nothing is taboo to discuss. And having those discussion with a parent before The Other Kids let them know *whisper, whisper* that it IS taboo to discuss.

But boy oh boy do I know those “ugh, what can of worms did I open now” moments.

Luckily, my daughter seems still in that incredulous “no way…this all sounds so disgusting” stage. I’m kinda lucky. She can’t stand sharing drinks with people because of backwash. The first boy who tries to kiss her is going to have to submit a physician’s clearance (I hope, lol.)

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Anna Lefler
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 8:44 am

Dude.

I can’t believe you said “oral sex” and “Al Gore” in the same post.

Now I have to restart my computer.

A.

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Megan October 3, 2011 at 10:28 am

I have not uttered the words “oral sex” to my son. I imagine that if I did his head would explode. But I am not looking forward to explaining to him. Maybe I’ll get lucky and some 13-year-old girl will just show him.

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b a seagull
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 10:39 am

Was there a response? Or did it become very still?

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Marinka October 3, 2011 at 12:22 pm

She sort of couldn’t believe it. And then she said “that’s so silly.”

Yes, it is.

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Brittany {Mommy Words}
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 10:44 am

I was wondering about the response too. We accidentally had to tell my 5 year old how babies really come out last week thanks to my husband and then when she asked if that’s how they get in too we were dumbfounded. Um, yes, but it is different. I thought I would choke.

Finally she was deterred by My Little Pony. Thank God.

Oral sex, well, I don;t know how I will explain it but knowing y little girl I am pretty sure she will ask before I am at all ready and then will tell me how gross it is. Because did any girl really hear what it is and think it was cool?

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 11:15 am

Oh my. There is a real lesson here for all of us.

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suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I don’t think I could utter the words “oral sex” to any of my teens without one or both of us dying of embarrassment on the spot. Heck, I can’t even say them to myself. Congrats on surviving!

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Mo
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 12:36 pm

In all seriousness, I think it’s AWESOME that she learns this from you, no matter how awkward. At least she knows the facts and how you feel about it, which is 100 times better than google any day. I know I have the luxury of talking about how awesome this is because my daughter is only a toddler so I don’t have to actually go through it for many years…. ok some years. But I think back to my own mother and there was NO sex talk, oral or any other! What I would give to have an open enough relationship with my own mom to even have the phrase oral sex come up in a sentence. This is great for you two. Awkward but great!

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Ilana
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 12:45 pm

It’s Command Z on a Mac and I think it about ten times daily. Like this morning when I mistakenly pushed my eyeliner into the toilet.

If it makes you feel any better, you have now taught ME a lesson. Don’t bring up sexual specifics unprompted. I feel like a better parent already.

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Jen Stayrook
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 12:45 pm

It’s stories like this that make me think, “Why in the world did *I* have a child?” I have no filter. Once he starts school, I can totally see him sitting in the principal’s office because he repeated something I said. It will probably be derogatory, may reference Arrested Development, and will in all likelihood involve at least 3 swear words. I’m so screwed.

Bravo to you for not giving your daughter some crazy story about storks and baby fairies. Also, I just got a mental image of trying to explain oral sex to a child who thought storks brought babies and dear god. STOP IT, AL GORE! <–See? No filter.

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joeinvegas October 3, 2011 at 12:48 pm

She probably went home and Googled it anyway. Hope the videos she found made it look like fun.

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magpie October 3, 2011 at 2:51 pm

ha ha ha ha ha.

i’m really glad i have you three steps ahead of me on this parenting journey.

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 3:45 pm

hahaha…I blame Al Gore

Best Blaming Scenario EVER!!!!!

yeah, those moments…never when you expect them.

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Dorothy October 3, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Don’t remember if I have posted here but have been a reader for quite awhile…and of course I have to comment on this one lol.
Last week my daughter, who is 31, her aunt and I were talking and somehow got onto oral sex. Don’t ask, it’s all the aunt’s fault I am sure. Turns out, even at 31, I don’t want to know or hear what my daughter is doing during sex! LOL! Been trying to burn those images out of my brain ever since.

Now we are trying to decide who gets to talk to her 8 year old daughter about periods. My daughter is a single parent now and we are the surrogates for when she needs help with games and babysitting, etc. And this one makes her go noooo, not yet! But my granddaughter already is blossoming so it’s time, you know? My daughter would prefer I did it lol but I think it’s her turn, I been there, done that! Plus, I taught them riding bikes and tying shoes, so again, it’s her turn to fumble around. Hehehe.

However, getting some info from mom is way better than finding out the hard way while being pressured from your peers. As a teen, our peers are just as dumb as we are, they just think they’re smarter. She asked, you answered. You just need to not go into any more details than they want. You know when that is. Or distraction, that works too. LOL

Good job mom.

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sharon October 3, 2011 at 6:34 pm

such a great post. one of my favorites!

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anna see October 3, 2011 at 9:04 pm

oh my! why does this happen??? i’ve been an overexplainer many a time…

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dusty earth mother October 3, 2011 at 10:14 pm

What is oral sex?

Great post.

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Carol October 3, 2011 at 10:16 pm

This may be TMI, but when my step daughter was 16 my partner and I gave her a “facts” lesson about oral sex at Cold Stone Creamery over “gotta Love It” ice cream cups. We told her the nasty details about ejaculate, and other things that are not always “yummy” but are part of oral sex. She was completely grossed out, and with that conversation we were able to keep her from having sex for two more years… LOL

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Glamamom
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 10:45 pm

My parents were very open and honest with me and I returned the favor (within reason). There is nothing shameful or wrong about sex or oral sex if you wait until you meet someone you love, it’s on your terms, and use protection. That’s what I’ll say if I have a daughter. To my son, “use protection, use protection, use protection.”

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ladyday October 3, 2011 at 11:08 pm

LOL Marinka!

My poor husband was the one who always seemed to get stuck with the sex questions from our two daughters. When they were 9 & 12 he told me I wasn’t allowed to go to NYC for my “Soap Weekend” anymore because they invariably waited for Mommy to be gone before asking things like, “How do Lesbians have sex?” Ha!

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The Mommy Therapy
Twitter:
October 3, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Way to go on being the honest Mom, not afraid to talk to her kids!

Can you imagine if she actually had googled oral sex? Yuck.

It might just have been scary enough to make her think she should never, ever, EVER do it though. 🙂

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Lady Jennie October 4, 2011 at 5:13 am

I asked my mom that same question.

Except I think I was in high school. Uh yeah – a little (too) innocent.

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Loukia October 4, 2011 at 11:42 am

Oh no! Hahaha… I’m not laughing at you, I swear to God… but oh, my God! I would just die! I can’t imagine having this conversation with my children! It is going to happen one day, isn’t it? Damn.

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Marta
Twitter:
October 4, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Lol. I blame Al Gore too.

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Cindy October 4, 2011 at 2:07 pm

My 11 yr old daughter told me she heard that everytime you have sex, you get pregnant. Hell yes!

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kimberly October 4, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Are you going to tell her about butt sex? It’s all the rage and girls are getting talked into it by boys who tell them they will still be a virgin and they can’t get pregnant.

True story.

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Mackenzie October 6, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I was around 13 when my mom (who always liked cutting articles out of her magazines) gave me one of her articles. It was called: “THE DANGERS OF ORAL SEX.” And she said “read it.”

So I read it. It was about how you could get herpes from it.

“Did you learn anything?” She asked, standing over me.
“Um…”
“What?”
“What’s oral sex?”

She paused for a long moment, stared at me, and said: “Nevermind. Don’t worry about it.” And then she walked away.

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Robin October 7, 2011 at 8:53 am

I learned about oral sex after my mom telling me (when I was 15) to never let a man kiss your “baggy meat” because then they would expect you to kiss their “muscle meat.”

Of course, I had to figure this out for myself…..

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