Hey, does anyone know if that title is taken?
I just looked it up on Wikipedia and learned this about As I Lay Dying (which I had been forced to read in high school, As I Sat in Class Dying): “Faulkner said that he wrote the novel from midnight to 4:00 AM over the course of six weeks and that he did not change a word of it. Faulkner wrote it while working at a power plant, published it in 1930, and described it as a “tour de force.”
Huh. Well that certainly explains why I haven’t been able to finish my memoir about my early childhood in Russia! I’ve been sleeping from midnight to 4 AM, like an idiot, instead of writing. I’m going to apply for a job at a power plant as soon as possible to expedite the whole writing process.
But I’ve been thinking about dying lately. The other day my son said to me, “UGH.” And I said, “What?” And he said that he just realized that when his uncle becomes old and feeble he will need to take care of him because he doesn’t have any kids of his own and I was about to say something about it being poor planning on his uncle’s part and then my son said “yeah, and we’ll have to take care of you and dad, too.” And then just as I was about to say what a sensitive and caring boy I had raised, he turned to his sister and said “you’ll have to deal with most of it, because I’ll be in the MLB.” She made a point that maybe the caretaking/plug-pulling will take place before the season starts and then he can pitch in and he said “did you just completely forget about Spring Training?” and then they argued about whether he should miss spring training to change my diaper, so perhaps you can understand how a swift death holds a certain appeal.
So I resumed a game of Candy Crush, which is the craziest addiction ever. If you don’t play it, don’t start. Do not download it on your phone, don’t get the app on Facebook, just be grateful that you’ve been spared. And if you do play, well, don’t just sit there, send me lives. I’ve actually become Facebook friends with someone who is in London, so she can send me lives in off-hours while my American friends sleep and/or write masterpieces in the middle of the night.
And then someone on Twitter mentioned that she used to be addicted to Candy Crush but then she got that monkey off her back by thinking, “will I be sorry of all the time I spent on Candy Crush on my deathbed?” And that sort of stopped me in my tracks. (I’m not sure why I’m a train set with tracks all of a sudden, btw, but I didn’t invent the English language.) But I started thinking, will I regret playing Candy Crush on my death bed? Will I regret all the wasted hours, the meaningless elation of the Sugar Crush and the advancement to the next level? Will I relive the agony of being out of lives?
Who the fuck knows.
My only deathbed plans are dying; I’m not great at multitasking. Well, maybe I am also going to convert to all the major religions. Because the last thing I need is to forget Hinduism and then not get reincarnated. That’s called “covering all the bases.”
I’m pretty sure they teach it at Spring Training.