Censor This!

by Marinka on January 5, 2010

Mama spent the day with my kids last week and this is great because:

(a)  Grandmother-grandchild bonding is so important and precious!

(b)  If Mama is with the kids, Marinka is not, yay for Marinka!

(c) If Mama is with the kids, Marinka is not, yay for the kids!

Now, pencils down.

There is no right or wrong answers, but let’s just say that not all of you will be moving to our more advanced blog later on this year.

But it doesn’t matter.

Because mama called me after the day with my children and said, “I had no idea that you wanted your daughter to be a better kisser!”

“What?” I said. Because I fall for this shit all the time.

“Well, I assume you buy her magazine Seventeen because you were worried she is not good kisser.”



While we were stuck in the airport in North Carolina for approximately five hours over Christmas break, I allowed my 11 year daughter to get a copy of Seventeen Magazine. And it had an article on how to be a better kisser.  Guy-Approved!  Mama confiscated the magazine and suggested that I read it before my daughter does.

Isn’t it easier to just burn it, like they did in the good ole’ days?

One year ago ...

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

P.K. January 5, 2010 at 8:53 am

My 13-year old daughter subscribes to Seventeen, and I thumbed through the latest issue when it arrived yesterday. In one of the Q&A columns, a reader said her boyfriend is pressuring her to have anal sex because that way she could hold onto her virginity. Oh my god! I handled it like any good parent would: I immediately closed the magazine and pretended like I’d never seen it.


Marinka January 5, 2010 at 10:57 pm

oh, look, everyone! It’s my IRL BFF! What? You haven’t noticed her commenting before? Me. Neither. It’s a good thing that I’m not a petty person. A really good thing!


Elise January 5, 2010 at 9:06 am

Isn’t it great to have your mom around to advise you?
I wouldn’t know how to do anything without my mom.
I mean she has such helpful advice about everything.
Like a mental sledgehammer.
I’m so blessed.


Marinka January 5, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Exactly! And sometimes I think that I hear her voice even when she’s not there. It’s in my head! Telling me to murder puppies! Stop! what?


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake January 5, 2010 at 10:09 am

Please, I hope there are tween/teen boy magazines explaining to them how to be a better kisser or the feminist in me is going to be really pissed.


Marinka January 5, 2010 at 10:58 pm

I’m pretty sure that Maxim Jr. has a feature on that.


Gretchen January 5, 2010 at 11:25 am

Well, wouldn’t you rather her be a great kisser than a lousy kisser? I think this is a lesson that could actually serve her well in life.


Marinka January 5, 2010 at 11:00 pm

Especially with the whole kissing a lot of frogs thing.


Madge January 5, 2010 at 12:52 pm

If it’s guy-approved. How can she go wrong?


January 5, 2010 at 1:13 pm

oh, boy! i can’t side with mama on this one. i was reading vogue at 12, and the semi-nude photographs didn’t shock me back then. i’ve been a magazine whore for a long time. if you are young, i think it is okay to read the fashion/womens magazines, as long as you know the ads/layouts are all photoshopped. i never felt an overwhelming sense to try to be like the girls in the ads, or seek out the lifestyles the girls in the articles had, or take stock in the quizzes. i just loved the fashion and glamour of it all. tiger beat was one of my favs. is that even still around? take care.


January 5, 2010 at 2:31 pm

well, it could have been worse. it could have been an article on how to be a better faceboomer, no?


the mama bird diaries
January 5, 2010 at 5:07 pm

But its guy approved. That doesn’t satisfy your mother?


anna see January 5, 2010 at 7:04 pm

at least it wasn’t cosmo.


Heather (qtberryhead) January 5, 2010 at 7:59 pm

Yes, because 100% of the articles in a magazine apply to 100% of the readers. I’m tripping all over that logic.


Beth January 5, 2010 at 8:01 pm

You might as well go ahead and teach her how to put condoms on a banana.


Marinka January 5, 2010 at 11:01 pm

I don’t think I’ve ever done that! Thanks for the activity tip for the weekend.


January 5, 2010 at 8:11 pm

That magazine perplexed me for life by telling me when I was about fifteen that the only perfect legs were ones that touched in just three places: knees, calves and ankles. Since I knew perfectly well that I had reasonably nice legs, and that all normal legs touched in the thighs, I was utterly confused. So, maybe you will get lucky, and your daughter was just confused by that article too.


Marinka January 5, 2010 at 11:10 pm

When you say that normal legs “touch” at the thighs, you mean “overlap”, right?


January 5, 2010 at 9:55 pm

I was raised under the impression that merely looking inside Seventeen magazine would make me pregnant.


Marinka January 5, 2010 at 11:09 pm

I think mama would like to instill that belief in my daughter. And me.


Dejoni January 5, 2010 at 9:59 pm

My mom used to let me read Seventeen and Cosmo. Looking back, it was really inappropiate and helpful.
Ahhh, the good ole days when all I had to worry about was if I was a good kisser or 100 ways to turn your man on.
I’m old.


Lauren January 6, 2010 at 12:53 am

I had a subscription to Seventeen when I was in junior high and I don’t remember there being anything too inappropriate in it. My sis and I hated that the models were so thin and that the clothes were too expensive and couldn’t fit our plus-size bodies. It wasn’t good for our self esteem but I don’t remember any articles about sex.


SoccerMom January 6, 2010 at 1:14 pm

I soooo love your mother, but she probably wouldnt love me. I am pretty open with my kids about life, things, and what not. When there is no guessing, there is no sneaking or lying, for the most part.


January 6, 2010 at 2:29 pm

Um, hadn’t she already read it five times? Ha.


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