Citizen’s Arrest

by Marinka on July 11, 2011

The other day I was doing some research about citizen’s arrests. Did you know, for example, that in most states if a felony is committed in your presence you should feel free to take the alleged felon into custody. Unless he kills you first. But I’m sure it’s a relief that you don’t have to dial 911 and speak to the dispatch operator. Time saver.

I’m also not sure if illegal immigrants are afforded the right to make citizen’s arrests as well, and the status of green card holders is even more murky. But I don’t care about that.

I care about making the jump from Citizen’s Arrest to Citizen’s Execution. Because Husbandrinka has committed some crimes against humanity and I’m not sure how much more I can take.

Because on Friday night, he and I went out for a romantical dinner which gave me the opportunity to tell him that I could not stay married to him for one second longer because he has ruined my life.

Unfortunately, he knows me so he took it in stride.

“Everyone has problems,” he said.
“And my problem is sitting across from me,” I seethed.
After a few more subtle hints, he asked what I was talking about.
“I’m sorry to make a public scene like this,” I started, emboldened by my wine and a few presumptively supportive yet furtive glances from fellow diners, “but I’ve been miserable for the length of our marriage.”

Husbandrinka was speechless. Or still studying the menu.

“Because ever since we got married, you’ve been making salad dressing. And you’ve been using Red Wine vinegar which is fine and dandy, but I happen to love Balsamic.”
“I don’t like Balsamic,” he said.
“Yes, I know. But is it fair that I can count on the fingers of my non-polydactyl hand how many times in the last 15 years I’ve had Balsamic vinegar in the comfort of my own home?”
“No one’s stopping you. Have Balsamic vinegar,” Mr. Magnanimous, ladies and gentlemen.
“I can’t have Balsamic vinegar. Because you have turned the children against Balsamic vinegar as well and when I use it, they’re all eww about it. So now I have to wait until I am home alone to have Balsamic vinegar. Like some kind of an addict, freebasing Balsamic vinegar in seclusion.”
“Can’t help you. I just don’t like it,” he tells me.
And for some reason he seems to feel that the conversation is over.

I’m not sure how I’m supposed to live like this.

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By the way, if you are still curious about Citizen’s Arrest and how it can enhance your life, I found this guide helpful. I particularly like step 4:

Tell the suspect that they’re under citizen’s arrest. Tell them that they’re not allowed to leave until a police officer comes and that they can explain the situation to the police when they arrive. Be firm and matter-of-fact.

Yes, be firm and matter-of-fact. Like this: “Whoa, what a scorcher, eh? This heat sure lends itself to criminal activity. Speaking of which, you’re under arrest. So don’t move until the heat gets here. The other kind of heat.”

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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Vicki
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 9:29 am

Wait..he MAKES salad dressing? Is Husbandrinka Giada?

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Snarky Amber July 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Vicki: Making vinaigrette takes only a few seconds longer than shaking a bottle of vinaigrette. Really, it’s not rocket surgery. I haven’t bought salad dressing in years. You whisk together equal parts oil and vinegar—plus a dollop of mustard to help emulsify the oil and vinegar—season, and voila! Dressing.

Marinka: you clearly need to divorce Husbandrinka and shack up with me and Awesome Boyfriend. Balsamic vinegar is the only vinegar that makes the big leagues (the big leagues being salad) in our house.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 10:36 am

Balsamic vinegar is completely superior to any other kind of vinegar. I don’t even know why they make the other kinds.

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Neil
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 10:39 am

I like French dressing.

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Marta
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 10:45 am

I would give up balsamic if my husband would at least pretend to eat some sort of fruits and vegetables so as I don’t look like the lone person at the dinner table with color on their plate.

We dubbed his taste preferences the carnival diet. Because if you can buy it at a carnival he’ll probably eat it.

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Megan July 11, 2011 at 10:46 am

Have you tried white wine vinegar?

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t July 11, 2011 at 10:57 am

some possible vinegars for compromise (and add honey to the dressing):

-cider vinegar
-tarragon vinegar
-white balsamic (relabled to trick him)
-sherry vinegar

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Cheryl
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 11:01 am

Man’s a damn fool.

Headed out to stalk a jaywalker. I’ll let you know how my 1st arrest goes.

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Anthony from CharismaticKid
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 11:51 am

I find it hard to believe that a grown man prefers red vinegar over balsamic. I mean c’mon!

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Kristine
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I had no idea there was actually a difference in taste among the vinegar family, as they all smell more or less like shit.

Also: I would like to purchase a t-shirt with an image of you freebasing vinegar.

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Alexandra
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Marinka, I want to tell you that you watch too much law and order, but then I wouldn’t get treated to hilarious posts like these.

I have 3 favorite parts in this one.

And I love them:

freebasing balsamic
how to do a citizen’s arrest
my non polydactyl hand

bwwwahahhahhahahhaha!

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Jurgen Nation
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

RED WINE VINEGAR? For dressing?

AW, HELL NAW. Balsamic. ::fist pump::

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Lauren July 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Vinegar? I just use red wine. It’s a real time saver.

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Anna Nonamus
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Now, see- if I knew you could get buzzed (erm, read as drunk) from eating salad, I may have started eating healthy a long ass time ago.

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sweetney July 11, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Well it seems we’re all in agreement. TO THE GALLOWS WITH HIM!

heh.

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A Mommy in the City
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 1:37 pm

I’m a Balsamic girl myself. I tell my husband since I am the one to cook dinner, he eats what I fix, like it or not.

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Anna Nonamus
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

This sounds exactly like the kind of conversation Spouse and I would have. Except not about salad dressing, because salad is crunchy water, and if I wanted crunchy water, I’d totally eat an ice cube.

Either way, LOVE the blog. In fact, it inspired a post of my own (yet to be posted) on my own blog about kids.

Cheers! Can’t wait to read more :)

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awesome dude July 11, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Listen to a woman and do otherwise.

known for millennia….

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No Ordinary Momma July 11, 2011 at 2:46 pm

You should do a Citizen’s Arrest on Husbandrinka for fucking up your salad. Be firm and matter of fact. Let him explain his side to the police. Then please blog about the experience.

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ana July 11, 2011 at 3:30 pm

I’m a balsmaic gal too!….and I need to do a citizens arrest on my Mr. – for being the only man I know to make it rain with blue cheese dressing

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magpie July 11, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Okay, here’s your solution: Moscatel. Specifically, this: http://www.taylorsmarket.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TM&Product_Code=UMWVM&Category_Code=WV

It is wonderful stuff – kind of half way between white wine vinegar and balsamic. I’ve gotten it at Fairway.

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Loukia July 11, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Good for you guys for eating salad at home! Win-win, no matter what dressing you use! :)

Just trying to stay neutral here… :)

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Jenn July 11, 2011 at 5:29 pm

OMG! Laughing at the post…. Laughing even harder at the comments!

I love it! Keep ‘em coming!

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Deb July 11, 2011 at 8:21 pm

*Laugh*

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vodkamom July 11, 2011 at 8:45 pm

no fair. The fact that you might have “legal training” renders Husbandrinka defenseless!!!

Now, pass the Bleu Cheese Dressing.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I say go on vacation with him to Orange County, Florida, and if something should happen to him there, I believe their judicial system would be very forgiving of you.

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suburbancorrespondent
Twitter:
July 11, 2011 at 10:44 pm

This is exactly why pre-marital counseling is important.

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marathonmom July 11, 2011 at 11:24 pm

I hope Cagney and Lacey are still fighting crime in the NYC so they can slap him some shitake with they not-so-much-coach-pursage. MMHMMM.

Yeah I had to explain the diff between vineGAR and vinaiGRETTE the other day.

Weeping with you….

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Stasha
Twitter:
July 12, 2011 at 2:45 pm

salad dressings are too posh. Just pour balsamic vinegar straight onto the salad. then a bit of olive oil. then refuse to share with kids. they will follow the lead and come to your dark side.

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Lauren
Twitter:
July 12, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I feel your pain. My stupid husband doesn’t like apples and won’t let me cook delicious appley desserts. Love the blog by the way.

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