I’ve had it with gifts. Seriously, I’ve had it.
Ever since I became an adult a few months ago, I realized that if I want something, I should just buy it and tell people to get me nothing for my birthday. And I suggest that everyone else do the same. Especially my parents and everyone else that I may need to buy a gift for.
Because let’s review my spiritual journey:
Mama and Papa’s anniversary is coming up! This is fantastic news! I will get them a knife! A special knife for cutting watermelon, because unlike Kelcey, they are pros at this! I order the knife and present it to them to celebrate their special day.
Mama and Papa thank me, but with reservation. What the fuck’s up with that, I ask them, but more lovingly.
Well, they explain, giving a knife as a gift is a bad omen. If you give someone a knife as a gift, it means that you will have a fight.
I hate all these Old Country omens. We’re in America now, Praise Jesus, and we have our own omens. Like if you spend more than ten minutes with your family, you will become insane.
But Papa and Mama look at each other and then Papa has his epiphany. And hands me a dollar.
This better not be my inheritance, I warn him. I know my rights.
No, he reassures me, I’m buying this knife from you, so it’s no longer a gift.
He and Mama look pleased at this solution. A Final Solution, if you please.
Look, Happy Anniversary and everything, I tell them, but that’s some kind of bullshit. First of all, this knife was $25, and I’m not even mentioning shipping and handling. And second of all, if you buy it from me, I still owe you a gift.
Not necessarily, Mama says. This is all just a formality so that we don’t have fight. Because giving knife is sign that fight is imminent. I’m surprised you don’t know this.
How could I possibly know this?! I shriek.
Have we ever given you knife as gift? they ask. This is what passes for logic these days, apparently.
I wish you’d drop these Old World ideas, I tell them, restraining myself in case the Casey Anthony jury won’t reconvene for my trial. We’re not going to have a fight just because I gave you a knife. Hey, why are you using a different knife on the watermelon?!
And Papa explains that he’s using a non-gifted/bought-for-a-dollar knife on the watermelon because it is too beautiful to use for cutting and belongs in a museum, which is code for thanks for giving us a useless piece of crap, moron.
It’s a good thing that those Old World omens of what gifts lead to fights are bullshit, isn’t it?
The fun’s not over! Because today one of my favorite people in the world is guest posting at The Mouthy Housewives and telling you what to do when you’re trapped in that monotonous, I mean, monogamous relationship! Don’t miss it.
This post contains an Amazon Affiliate link. And a lot of rage.
One year ago ...
- Toothbrush - 2013