Disturbing

by Marinka on November 10, 2010

There are several very disturbing thoughts pulsing through my very tiny brain. And I must unburden myself:

1. George W. Bush, our esteem former president, was interviewed by Matt Lauer on Monday and he shared that he is pro-life because his mother had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and showed him the fetus which she kept in a bottle.

What. The. Fuck?

If my parents had done that, I wouldn’t be pro-life, I’d be on death row. Because I would have Menendez Brothered them on the fucking spot. Seriously, who does that? (Note to papa: Nothing personal!)

2. If you’re like most people, you’re thinking of strategies to keep the calorie count down this Thanksgiving. In order to help, I present the Thanksgiving cake barf-fest. Click on the link for the full vomitorium extravaganza, but if you’re in a rush, here’s the ingredient list:

For the turkey layers:
Unsalted butter, for coating the pans
2 pounds ground turkey breast
1 cup quick-cooking oats
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, grated on the small holes of a box grater
1/3 cup ketchup
1/3 cup finely chopped yellow onion
1/4 cup finely chopped fresh Italian parsley
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 1/2 teaspoons minced fresh thyme leaves
1 teaspoon minced fresh sage leaves
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 medium garlic cloves, minced
For the sweet potato layer:
1 pound sweet potatoes
1/4 cup whole milk
2 tablespoons unsalted butter (1/4 stick)
1 tablespoon packed light brown sugar
1 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more as needed
Pinch ground mace or nutmeg
Freshly ground black pepper
To assemble:
About 5 cups or 1 recipe Sour Cream Mashed Potatoes, warm
1/2 cup cranberry sauce, such as our Cranberry and Citrus Sauce, chilled, excess liquid drained
2 1/2 cups Sausage Stuffing, warm
1 1/2 cups mini marshmallows
Gravy, for serving (optional)

Mmmm! I predict this will become a year-round favorite!

And if you’re still hungry, try this new fun dessert. You know how sometimes you can’t decide between a pie or six? Well, now you don’t have to! The Cherpumple is a fun six desserts in one! A cherry pie baked inside a white cake, a pumpkin pie baked inside a yellow cake and an apple pie baked inside a spice cake. I suppose we have to wait for an act of Congress to get our pecan pie baked inside chocolate cake. I don’t know how we can be expected to make it through a holiday season on so few calories.

Seriously, I’d like to know who comes up with this shit, because I suspect they get Jihad funding. What, like 98.89% of the country is pre-diabetic and nauseate Maura Kelly and these are the desserts that people come up with?

3) I’m worried that I’m failing the whole “religious education” aspect of parenthood. Husbandrinka’s kazillion year old and Alzheimer’s enriched aunt died over the weekend and when my daughter was going to sleep, she got all misty eyed. “I’m really going to miss her,” she sniffed. I don’t mean to sound unfriendly, but I generally prefer to have conversations like this NotBeforeBedtime, because by that time I’m exhausted, not to mention drained. So I tried the good ole, “I’m sorry, honey, but you know, she’s in Heaven now.”

And my daughter said, “I don’t appreciate your sarcasm, mommy.” I guess because I never mentioned heaven before.

Weird.

Okay! Big news! I’m coming out of the mommy blogging closet today on Scary Mommy‘s site. Because I don’t want to put shit like that on my own blog. I assume that anyone who reads me knows and loves Scary Mommy (Jill) as much as I do, but if you’re new to her, you’re in for a treat. And not the Cherpumple-type treat, either. Jill is funny and smart and she is honest. I have tons of respect for her and I don’t mind telling you that I seek out her advice behind the scenes. And she’s generous with her time and advice. As a matter of fact, she’s so lovely and gracious that I’m thinking of forgiving her for being younger than I am.

One year ago ...

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November 10, 2010 at 10:59 am

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Casey November 10, 2010 at 12:15 am

Ugh. I’m a staunch Republican and love W, but Good Lord…..it’s hard to defend him when he acts all hill billy crazy. I’m torn between 2 things in relation to him, trying to figure out what could be more damaging?

1. His public speaking and favorable ability to fuck up anything he tries to say.

2. Him writing anything down. In print. Because it will be there forever.

He doesn’t make it easy to support him.

That meal makes me nervous.

And, your religous guidance? You threw it out there. She didn’t bite. Good effort.

Reply

Peajaye
Twitter:
November 10, 2010 at 1:36 am

Now, if you’d had some nice Thanksgiving cake and Cherpumple pie in the fridge, you could have pulled your daughter into the kitchen, pulled out great-great-auntie, pickled in a jar, out of the cupboard, and had a nice mother-daughter late-night-chat that would have lasted you a lifetime. (And I say ‘lifetime’ because your daughter would probably have you murdered by year-end.)

Reply

alexandra
Twitter:
November 10, 2010 at 2:13 am

WTF? to the GeoreDub story.

And, Scary Mommy and you?

On my way

Reply

Awesome dude November 10, 2010 at 6:32 am

A few fetuses are coming up, the degree of the decomposition will vary.
Sarcasm is a hard concept for 12 year old to operate may be she meant something else.
Does Jewish faith refer to haven as the most desirable place to end up at all?

Reply

Marinka November 10, 2010 at 9:16 am

The Jewish faith refers to the Bloomingdale’s 50% off sale as the most desirable place to end up.

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
November 10, 2010 at 10:09 am

i still can’t get over that George W. Bush thing. GROSS.

Reply

Karen at French Skinny November 10, 2010 at 10:19 am

I have never heard of the Cherpumple before. How did this happen? We could have had it last Christmas with the Turducken!
It is insanity at it’s best. I may have to make one because ever since I saw the picture I can’t stop laughing in that “I’m super tired and I’m laughing uncontrollably” way that makes people back away.

Reply

Whitney
Twitter:
November 10, 2010 at 10:37 am

Nightmares. G.W.Bush. Nightmares. Thanks so much!

Reply

annie November 10, 2010 at 10:47 am

Between the fetus in a jar and turkey cake I’m a little grossed out. That wasn’t very nice of you so early in the morning!

Just for that I’m going to go have a latte and several chocolate covered biscotti to ease the pain – I may also need retail therapy. I’m sending the bill to you!

Reply

Lu
Twitter:
November 10, 2010 at 11:42 am

I don’t know about you but I’m holding out for the pecan pie in chocolate cake. It’s a little repulsive, but entertaining to imagine nonetheless.

Reply

magpie November 10, 2010 at 1:28 pm

That Shrub thing was just the weirdest.

And you are the second person to tell me about that Thanksgiving cake in the last 10 minutes…

Reply

TripleZmom
Twitter:
November 10, 2010 at 4:33 pm

And I thought America couldn’t come up with a worse idea than fried butter. That’ll teach me.

Reply

MOmmy on the Spot November 10, 2010 at 9:49 pm

OMG! A glass!! I guess that explains a lot, right?

Reply

Kate
Twitter:
November 10, 2010 at 10:00 pm

Why does it always have to be the meat dishes that involve so many gag-inducing layers? Why, OH WHY, is it never the nine-layer Christmas Cookie Cake Pie with Never-Ending Whipped Cream?

Reply

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