Do You Know What I Hate More Than Crafts?

by Marinka on June 13, 2011

My children are turning 13 and 10 this summer. They are older, no longer babies and every day they are one day closer to leaving home, to going out and starting their own lives. Sad, right?

Eh, it’s not so bad. Because the silver lining of their getting older is that I no longer have to be involved in their craft projects. Mostly because they no longer do them.

I seriously hate crafts and I’m so, so happy that my kids are now past the craft stage.The memories of all those s Alex craft kits I bought for my daughter and the horrors that she’d created will haunt me forever. And I’m not the only mommy craft hater.

But.

There is something worse.

Much worse.

And that is when the doctor does a biopsy on your shoulder and then decides that your skin is a fucking arts and crafts project.

See, my philosophy about my medical treatment is pretty much in line with the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Meaning that I will submit to tests, procedures, and whatever else is necessary for the medical professional to be able to afford a dream vacation, but I don’t want explicit details about it.

Because it’s disgusting. And one of the reasons that I didn’t go to medical school. The other being a C+ in Biology.

So when the dermatologist was stitching up my shoulder and said “your skin is very thick, the needle isn’t going through it easily” I almost passed out. Because I’m a person and not a freaking cross-stitch pattern.

And if that’s not enough, he used black thread. Please tell me that medical science has advanced enough so that they now have different colored thread to sew skin up. It’s the summer, for curse word’s sake. Can’t I have a lighter stitch?

It’s really enough to make you miss crafts with your kids. Except I don’t.

One year ago ...

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Katy
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 12:24 am

Since he didn’t offer any fun colors, I hope he at least spelled out something interesting. ‘Sexy Beast’?

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Alexandra
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 1:09 am

WHY do they use the black thread??

WHY?

And why do they leave the ends sticking out so far like a frankenstein?

Please. Someone. Anyone??

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Sophie June 13, 2011 at 1:39 am

Damn right. I love crafts, especially cross stitching, but I DO NOT want to hear remarks about the craftability of my body parts.
@Alexandra – It’s medical humor. We don’t encourage it.

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Suzy
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 2:37 am

After my ankle surgery, I took the x-ray and looked at it from a million angles and couldn’t figure out what these little brackets were.

Someone apparently confused me with the 4th quarter report and stapled me together. Ask me how long I obsessed over HOW THEY WERE GOING TO TAKE THEM OUT AND COULD I GET A MORPHINE DRIP FOR THAT?

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Alison@Mama Wants This
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 3:25 am

I can’t even look at a needle going into my arm for blood draws, never mind look at stitches and wonder why the thread is black (but yes, why? Why black?).

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Stasha
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 4:30 am

Must be because black goes with everything.
My surgeon was beyond handsome and wearing a uniform ( complete with high rank) . He used to talk so passionately about how messed up my knee was and how hard it was for him to fix it. He gave me all the details and I was melting. In fact, I cherished his signature on my thigh for days.
You need one of those gorgeous ones Marinka. Then again there will not be a next time, so forget about it…

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Betty Herbert June 13, 2011 at 4:46 am

They should definitely teach neat stitching at medical school. Although don’t crack this funny to your doctor. They don’t laugh. For some reason, they consider themselves to be above needlecraft. Fools.

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christy June 13, 2011 at 6:56 am

Oh yuck. Black thread? Thick skin? UGH – I’m with you – who wants to know and deal with that crap? Hope your skin is all healed, ALL OVER, sooner than later.

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Momo Fali
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 7:22 am

When I was having the vein in my leg burned away last week, the catheter got stuck at one point. The doctor said, “I don’t know why this won’t go through. I looks like maybe a clot or an aneurysm.”

I replied, “Maybe you should stop talking now.”

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Christine @ quasiagitato June 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

I always expect to be cool about these things, like having a small cyst removed from my forearm, and end up almost passing out. Is that like delusions of medical grandeur, or something?

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 10:19 am

why am i not surprised that you don’t like crafts? I loved them and we did tons of projects. Of course, i sculpt and paint so that’s to be expected.

You’re not a cross-stitch pattern? shocking

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Megan June 13, 2011 at 10:25 am

Why are you getting stiches after a biopsy? Was he trying to get to China? I certainly hope you’re getting the proper amount of sympathy from your loving family.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

Now I’m wondering if my skin is thick or thin. Ugh. I’ll bring over some paint and construction paper and we’ll make something together. Take your mind of your thick skin.

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Wendi
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 11:33 am

I would think you’d WANT to look like you just recovered from a women’s prison riot.

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tracy
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I hate crafts. I hire people to do crafts with my kids. I hate glitter.

Also – maybe a cute tattoo would be awesome to hide the stitches for Summer?

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Issa
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 1:12 pm

If they are going to do that, they should at least make a pattern. Maybe a lightening bolt?

I am with you on the craft hating. That’s why I send them to school. For years, I even banned scissors from my house.

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Elisa
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 1:52 pm

OUCH. I am so sorry about your shoulder! Why don’t doctors get that we don’t want details? Do what you gotta do, and shut up about it, and no I don’t want to look.

As for crafts? I’d rather get a Pap smear. Where I’ll repeat the line above, since my ob/gyn is also of the “look and tell” variety. Ick.

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Tonya
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I have some green thread and a penchant for doing things I’m not qualified for…so if you feel like heading to Brooklyn…
Also, I agree with Wendi, think: prison riot starter and surviver and, most probably, winner.

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magpie June 13, 2011 at 2:55 pm

a very long time ago, i split my chin open on the edge of a swimming pool. i had blue stitches.

two days later, my sister split her chin open on the edge of the same swimming pool – but she got the black stitches.

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awesome dude June 13, 2011 at 3:30 pm

The same thing happened to Mary-Antoinette,
the guillotine jammed and they had to do it all over again.

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Elise
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I would prefer to do hours upon hours of arts & crafts with a 2yo who eats the glue and glitter than have a needle piercing my skin over and over again. Honestly, I can hardly bare sewing through cloth due to the noise the thread makes going through the fabric… eeww!

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Laurin
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 5:34 pm

My poor baby girl had a procedure on her bottom lip which required stitches the entire length of the lip. I almost passed out when they took me back to see her after the surgery and I saw that row of angry black stitches. She even said, “Mommy, why did he use black stitches?” I’m still not over it.

It must be so the doctor can see what they’re doing. What other reason could there be?

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Alice June 13, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Ha, we told my brother the sutures were spiders! They were in his foot and he also had a full length leg cast. We were mean mean mean! Ah the screaming! A wonder any of us survived Mom’s reaction. She was NOT happy.

I also remember him falling down the (uncarpeted) stairs with that cast on.

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Kara June 13, 2011 at 6:00 pm

My husband just had several biopsies on his back – little black stitch ends sticking up everywhere. Poor guy.

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dusty earth mother June 13, 2011 at 6:24 pm

I guess I’ll attempt to look at the bright side. I got stitches once, except they weren’t stitches. They were staples. And the only thing worse than black thread being laced through your thick/thin skin is someone approaching your scalp with a staple gun. Skeery.

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Eevie June 13, 2011 at 7:37 pm

On one hand, this means you’re perfectly cut out for the blog world. Thick-skinned, perfect!! I think in the future, if you advertise your blog, you should always lead with, “4 out of 5 doctors agree: Marinka is thick-skinned.”

On the other hand, crafts really suck. I can’t do them with my kid, because I was the kid who freaked out over all the available choices and use them all. My dad has a poop-brown tile that proclaims that he’s the #1 dad, because I painted the tile with all the colors available.

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A Mommy in the City
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Wow! That just sounds painful. I will take arts and crafts with Harlan any day over having my skin poked at! Did the results come back from the shoulder?

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Ksenia June 13, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Marinka,

It’s been a very, very long time. Most of my comments to date have had absolutely nothing to do with the post itself so I figure who am I to break tradition? That being said, I’ve missed reading you. I think after Dan (redacted) stopped blogging, I was so distraught that I stopped reading altogether (lest you stopped blogging, too). So, now, I have a lot of posts to catch up on. Or, well, you could always dedicate a post just to me, summarizing everything that has transpired this past year in a very succinct manner. (See, this is what happens when I’m not subject to proper humour for a long time. I’m lacking poise, it seems. I expect to have it back shortly, however. Hopefully. And if not, I suppose these can turn into woeful wallowing as opposed to just a whole lot of randomness.)
tl;dr: I’ve missed you. I hope you’re doing alright.

PS: Reddit has replaced reading, it seems. 🙂
PS2: You need more 20 year olds here, methinks. Although I’m nearly 22 now, which is practically, well, ancient.

🙂

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Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
Twitter:
June 13, 2011 at 11:28 pm

I’m thinking a glue gun and a little glitter will fix those black stitches right up!

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Lady Jennie June 14, 2011 at 2:54 pm

At least he didn’t sew googly eyes on your nose.

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Penbleth
Twitter:
June 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Black is so slimming, especially on the shoulder.

I hope the results are all clear.

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anymommy June 14, 2011 at 5:04 pm

I’m so horrified by your experience (no one is ever EVER allowed to describe to me what a needle in my skin is doing) that I can’t even focus on how much hate crafts. Solidarity!

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
June 15, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Maybe he meant….metaphorically. You know because doctors are really good with metaphor.

The word ‘skin’ alone gives me the heebs.

Reply

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