Don’t Touch My Hair, You Hetero!

by Marinka on January 16, 2009

Although many of them are my friends and I have nothing against them in principle, no way in fucking hell am I going to let a heterosexual-American touch my hair professionally. If you are not sure what I’m talking about, I recommend looking at your hair in the mirror and then donning a hat until such time that a gay person can tend to your locks, you poor, homely thing.

It hurts me to judge people by their sexual orientation, but not as much as it hurts me to get a horrific hairjob.

I know what you’re thinking—Marinka, you’re a genius! But how can you tell if the person who is cutting your hair is gay? What if he is bi-curious? Isn’t it possible for a heterosexual, properly trained, to give a good haircut? And isn’t this flat out discrimination?

All these are wonderful questions and really show me that you’re thinking.

All I can offer is my own experience. I guess I was lucky. I called the salon that someone recommended, made an appointment for an October afternoon and within ten minutes of my being in his chair, I asked him if he was dressing up for Halloween. This is a wonderful question, and since the “don’t ask don’t tell” policy doesn’t apply to hair salons, it’s perfectly legal. Here’s my tip: If he dresses up as Zoro, Elvis or anything Superheroic, get the hell out of there. But my hair guy dressed up as Barbie. Totally safe. Also, he mentioned his partner “Frank” ten seconds later, but don’t go by that alone.  It could be short for Francesca.  Demand proof. Hum a show tune if absolutely necessary.

Bi-curious? Highlights only, nothing more.

Can a heterosexual, properly trained do hair? Yes. But I’ve also heard that if enough monkeys sit at the typewriter long enough, one of them will produce Macbeth. In other words, it’s possible, but you’re taking your chances.

Is it flat out discrimination? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just that stereotypes save time. I’m not going to tell you what to do. It’s your hair, after all. Bless your heart.

One year ago ...

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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

cw2smom January 16, 2009 at 10:01 pm

OMG!!! I love this! It’s tooooo funny! Actually I prefer gay men to do my hair. It’s no damn wonder I haven’t got a decent haircut in years. My town is too small for the non-heteros. Well, I am sure there are a couple out of our hundred or so stylists! Thanks for the laugh! Blessings and I am sure your hair is just “fabulous!” Lisa

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Jen on the Edge January 16, 2009 at 10:14 pm

My Hair God and I have similar tastes in men, which makes for great conversations when he’s working his magic on my hair.

I work with a lot of gay men, so my “gaydar” is nearly 100% accurate. The one time I was uncertain, I found out later that the guy in question was getting ready to become a Catholic priest. So clearly, he was uncertain about some things too.

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Rachel January 16, 2009 at 10:21 pm

All this time I was thinking that I just have bad hair. I wish you would have let us midwestern gals in on this a long time ago, Marinka! Now, how do I go about FINDING a gay hairdresser?

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Karie January 16, 2009 at 11:27 pm

So true! You are hillarious!

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phd in yogurtry January 16, 2009 at 11:36 pm

You got it. They also give great head at the shampoo sink.

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Threeboys1mommy January 17, 2009 at 12:12 am

Also if his face lights up like a Christmas tree at the mere mention of Halloween, you’ve got your man.

Halloween=Christmas in West Hollywood.

I have to ask about the elephant in the room. Was this post inspired by out twiiter exchange re: my hair?

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Scary Mommy January 17, 2009 at 4:27 am

The best cut and color I ever had was from the gayest queen out there. You are so right– straight people have no place in the hair business– women don’t want you to look hotter than they do and a straight man in hair? That’s just fucked up.

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Leigh (Modern Mommy) January 17, 2009 at 5:47 am

I live in North Central Florida (aka the most Hetero Land On Earth) but I found the most AMAZING gay man to do my hair 8 years ago and if he ever moved I think I’d cry. I consider it fate (and proof that even God doesn’t like my natural color) that we met.

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Vodka Mom January 17, 2009 at 5:48 am

That was fantastic! We all know that gays give good hair.

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Tooj January 17, 2009 at 6:04 am

I had a hair stylist once, I had a crush on him. But I always wondered…was he gay???? Now you have me wondering. He had a child, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t switch, I do know he wasn’t with the mother….hmmmmm. I was LOL at Vodka Mom’s response!

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Debbie January 17, 2009 at 6:08 am

My problem is that in my little suburb, I think all the hairstylist are female. Terrible, isn’t it? I may have to start taking a little road trip to help the hair.

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Ashlie- Mommycosm January 17, 2009 at 6:19 am

Best hairjob ever? A draq queen in Ithaca, NY. He was awesome…and made me feel beautiful the whole time b/c he kept saying I looked like Reese Witherspoon. True or not, he ROCKED and got a very big tip that day.

*sigh* I live in NH now. Even the upscale salons have mostly women. It’s sad.

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ingrid January 17, 2009 at 6:36 am

i have never had my hair cut by a man.

there.

i’ve said it. it wasn’t by design. more by happenstance.

and as far as i know, none of my female hairdressers have been lesbians.

it could explain a lot.

😉

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Beth January 17, 2009 at 7:03 am

In a nutshell, you’ve just explained 40 years of bad haircuts. Thanks for the enlightenment.

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Jeanne January 17, 2009 at 7:35 am

I shouted with laughter and then promptly forwarded this to my daughter. Which means that you’ll either pick up a few new readers or be boycotted by all the gays in Columbus, OH.

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Elisa January 17, 2009 at 7:43 am

Amen to that! I think I may have stumbled into the only good heterosexual hair stylist on the East Coast, but as a general rule of thumb, you are absolutely right.

In fact, I think that we should all have some strategical questions to ask a new hairdresser when it’s not close to Halloween, to figure out if you can sit and trust or hightail it our of there 😉

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Ann's Rants January 17, 2009 at 8:04 am

First of all, I owe you my firstborn.

Second of all, even worse are hetero-young-female-hair artistes. Last week one refused to cut my bangs, telling me I just didn’t have the jawline to support them “no offense”

So I made a skin lamp out of her.

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Melissa January 17, 2009 at 8:06 am

I had gone a long time between gays, but my new hairdresser? His name is Paris. I’m in hair heaven…

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Sophie, Inzaburbs January 17, 2009 at 8:30 am

So true. Which is why my hair, right now, is 95% of the time tied back.

I thought I was in luck last time. I tried a new salon and was convinced the hairstylist was a drag queen. But no, she was a woman.

I can tell because my haircut stinks.

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peajaye January 17, 2009 at 8:48 am

i believe if you drew a geo-political map of where gays have rights and where they don’t, you will find it corresponds exactly to where you can find ladies with good hair and bad. new york, paris, madrid? great hair. beijing, moscow, dallas? not so great. tehran before the ayatollah, fabulous do’s. after the ayatollah, burkas. ladies, you decide.

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Charmaine January 17, 2009 at 9:55 am

No WONDER my hair is falling out.

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mo.stoneskin January 17, 2009 at 10:58 am

As a man who lives with a number 2, done every couple of weeks by his obliging wife, I don’t have much to say on this. Well, apart from to say that it was pretty damn funny 🙂

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MommyTime January 17, 2009 at 12:41 pm

FYI, Zoro’s nickname (tagline? whatever) is “The Gay Blade.” And while I’m sure you know that nickname is useful for male Olympic ice dancing champions, I’m just trying to do my socially responsible duty and put it out there that Zoro the Hairstylist Halloween Costume MAY not be playing for the same team as Superman.

Also? What are your thoughts on going to a woman for hairdo-good-ness….

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Coffee with Cathy January 17, 2009 at 1:40 pm

I absolutely agree, and my hair history is corroborating evidence —
Bad haircuts given by gay men: Zero.
Bad haircuts given by women of known or unknown sexual orientation: 53.
So there you go.

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lisa January 17, 2009 at 2:04 pm

The only time it’s safe to get in the chair is when the gay-o-meter flashes red.

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Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy January 17, 2009 at 2:38 pm

I think that must be my problem! I always have straight women cut my hair and I always have issues. I have to run out and find a great gay hairdresser STAT!

Thanks for saving me from another hair crisis, you are truly a humanitarian.

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blognut January 17, 2009 at 4:15 pm

Gay guys give great hair. Gay women give razor cuts and bowl cuts and tell you that you don’t need to color.

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Rachel January 17, 2009 at 5:12 pm

Holy Hells Bells.

I’m dyin’!

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Heather January 17, 2009 at 8:22 pm

I just had my hair done today but I have never been sure about his sexual orientation. Here are my clues. He is 56, lives with his mother and has never been married. What do you think? Plus he always has a good eye for color and makes my hair look great.

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HoodChick January 17, 2009 at 8:34 pm

OMG! I’ve never had my hair done by a man. This explains a lot, including the too short bangs I keep getting from the hetero KY chick that took over from my last stylist. Damn, my salon doesn’t have any men. Is there a notation in the yellow pages to find one of these fabu men?

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ella January 17, 2009 at 10:22 pm

When you call the salon and ask for an appt. and they tell you that *Tennessee* has a slot open at 2, you know you’ve got a match made in heaven. But I find my gay-boys so flighty. Once you get in the groove, they up and flit to another salon.

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Pseudonymous High School Teacher January 18, 2009 at 12:40 am

Although I do love a gay stylist, my current one is female and the best ever.

Your Halloween question is a good one. I can always tell my gay high school students that are ready to come out by their Halloween costumes.

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Kylie w Warszawie January 18, 2009 at 1:05 am

Is it okay that my stylist is a hetero female?

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The Panic Room January 18, 2009 at 1:23 am

I’m pretty convinced you’re the funniest person “I know”

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SoMi's Nilsa January 18, 2009 at 7:24 am

This post is so perfectly timed … given, my gay boyfriend just cut/styled my hair on Friday night!

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DieseljockNYC January 18, 2009 at 3:04 pm

In Boston, its heterosexual women and homosexual men that do hair…anything other than that would shock me.

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Cynthiaa January 18, 2009 at 4:39 pm

I totally agree with you. 😀

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Kristine January 19, 2009 at 8:10 am

I generally go to the Mexican ladies because they know how to do long hair better, but if I were ever to so a style change, gay’s the way.

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the mama bird diaries January 19, 2009 at 11:44 am

My colorist is gay. The woman who cuts my hair is straight. So now I know that my color is definitely good.

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Lawton January 20, 2009 at 12:55 am

I think it’s safe to say it wouldn’t be the percocet talking when I tell you that yours is my new favorite blog. Holy shit you are funny. And I say that with a completely straight face. Great blog.

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Kimberly January 21, 2009 at 2:14 pm

You could also offer them tickets to Cher or Van Halen, if they go for the Van Halen tickets, cancel.

Madonna and Rolling Stones works too.

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wenderful January 22, 2009 at 9:35 am

I love in Idaho. I own a lot of hats. 🙂

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jennifersusan January 22, 2009 at 10:36 am

I’m gonna have to start hanging out with my gay friends more and demand they take me with them to their stylists. Maybe then I’ll stop wearing it tied back. Wah! Why do all our salons only hire young hetero gals?

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Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub January 22, 2009 at 11:27 am

You gotta go with your gut instincts on some things…. and I am with you.

A hetero-man is technically an eff-ing BARBER! They belong in a small shop where they can toss around racial slurs with their buddies while they brag about how drunk they got the night before.

That is NO place for a lady!

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K January 22, 2009 at 11:33 am

I wish I had read this before my last haircut.

I do need a hat, it’s a little sad.

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only a movie January 22, 2009 at 4:15 pm

Hum a show tune. Brilliant.

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squaredonut January 27, 2009 at 6:09 am

I’m I lesbian with super sharp gaydar. (I pegged Charlie Brown’s pal, Peppermint Patty, when I was only 8 years old.) There are a pantload of The Gays (as my mothers says) out there making a difference in the world. Take the Tooth Fairy, for instance. They don’t call him Fairy for nothing. Take a closer look. Two words: Adam’s apple. Of course, we’re talking cross-dressing here, which doesn’t necessarily mean gay. In this case it does, although it doesn’t make him a good hairdresser.

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