A Sick Fuck

by Marinka on January 18, 2009

I had dinner with a girlfriend the other night and she mentioned a friend of hers, an elderly man that she’d known for years.  So I had a brilliant idea. “Hey,” I told her, “Why don’t you Anna Nicole Smith him?” My friend didn’t think that the idea was quite as brilliant as I did, the main flaws being that she is not a whore like Anna Nicole Smith and this guy may or may not have any money,  and also apparently things didn’t work out so well for Anna Nicole Smith. Overall,  I was left feeling like maybe there was something wrong with me.  You know, mentally.

This isn’t the first time that Anna Nicole Smith has screwed me.  There was that time that there was a paternity debacle–who was her daughter’s father?  Not The Howard Stern or that blond guy?  I had another brilliant idea at the time.  “You know,” I told John, “I bet her son is the father of her baby.”
“What?” John asked.  John is hard to shock.  Once when I had  a panic attack, John calmed me by saying, “Put your head down between my legs.”
“Well, you know she and her son were always close, he died mysteriously, right when the paternity thing was hitting the fan. I  bet he was the father.”
Instead of embracing my brilliance, John attacked: “Only a sick fuck would come up with something like that.”
“Time will tell!” I was feeling smugly confident.
Unfortunately, time was not on my side and the blond guy is the kid’s father. DAMMIT.
And then it happened again. The US Airway flight lands in the Hudson River and the pilot is hailed as a hero.
“I bet he did it on purpose,” I told Husbandrinka. 
“Ridiculous.  He executed an incredibly hard landing. He saved lives.”
“Eh.”
“Why would someone do something like that on purpose?” Husbandrinka asked.
“You know, the attention.  I heard he has a lot of new fans on Facebook.  People will do lots of crazy shit to become popular on Facebook.”
Husbandrinka didn’t buy it.  And this morning he tells me that the New York Times reports that the co-pilot reported seeking a flock of birds to the right of the airplane. And passengers reported hearing a thud.  I don’t know.  I’d like to see their Facebook pages before I decide.

One year ago ...

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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }

Leigh (Modern Mommy) January 18, 2009 at 9:05 am

Don’t be so hard on yourself! People who say they don’t think things like that are lying to you. Or live under a rock. Or aren’t drinking enough.

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Heather January 18, 2009 at 9:25 am

Oh Markinka, Marinka, Marinka!

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blognut January 18, 2009 at 9:55 am

We all have these thoughts – it’s just cute that you say them out loud. I totally had the same theory about Anna Nicole’s baby!

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Kirsten January 18, 2009 at 10:02 am

LOLOLOLOL.

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*Akilah Sakai* January 18, 2009 at 10:09 am

“blognut” has a point. I think of some sick shit, but I never say it out loud. Only my Hubster gets it all at full-strength so naturally he’s a bit afraid of me … and his parents are too.

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Erika @ Chic Shopper Chick January 18, 2009 at 10:21 am

So glad you visited my blog so I could find YOURS! I cracked up laughing reading this – now I’m going to have to go back through your archives and see what else I missed – right after I add you to my reader!

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Rachel January 18, 2009 at 10:48 am

Whew. This is comforting, Marinka, thank you for being so candid.

I was rooting for the blond guy all along, but I had a different theory: The Howard Stern actually witnessed Anna Nicole Smith give her son the drugs that killed him. They then planned a speedy wedding (and claimed paternity to boot!) so that The Howard Stern couldn’t be forced to testify against her.

I think I watch too much Court TV or True Hollywood Story.

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mo.stoneskin January 18, 2009 at 10:50 am

That’s right, forget the acid test, just use the facebook test.

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Mary Moore January 18, 2009 at 10:52 am

You’ve got a point there! I never thought of things that way…You’ve changed my life!

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Irish Gumbo January 18, 2009 at 11:06 am

I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that you came up with the idea, or that I read this and said to myslef “Well, yeah, she has a good point, ya know…”

Great minds, my dear, great minds…

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Rachel Cotterill January 18, 2009 at 11:11 am

LOL, well, you shouldn’t have to censor your crazy thoughts for your husband 🙂

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steenky bee January 18, 2009 at 11:24 am

The son being the father of Danni was brilliant forethought on your part! Sick, but brilliat. I’m so glad you were wrong.

I’m ashamed to admit that I was riveted by all the ANS coverage when all that crap was going down. Completely obsessed.

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Temple January 18, 2009 at 12:10 pm

lol…I had the same thought about Anna Nicole Smith’s son…guess that tells you how my mind works!

I think you should sell your ideas to Geraldo…ever since that Al Capone’s vault thing he has needed some guidance 🙂

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Vodka Mom January 18, 2009 at 1:24 pm

I KNEW that lucky bastard did it on purpose. They were battery operated geese.

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Kylie w Warszawie January 18, 2009 at 1:42 pm

I…have no words. I cannot believe that I have finally discovered my soul sister.

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WA January 18, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Or…is the US Airways pilot really the father of Anna’s child?

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Karie January 18, 2009 at 2:28 pm

HA! That’s hillarious.

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kia (good enough mama) January 18, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Let’s be sick fucks together ’cause that’s the first thing I thought about her baby’s daddy, too.

“Put your head down between my legs.” ROFLMAO! Sounds EXACTLY like something my own Hubs would say.

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Janie January 18, 2009 at 2:40 pm

You make me laugh, girl.

You and freakin’ Vodka Mom.

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DieseljockNYC January 18, 2009 at 3:03 pm

“John calmed me by saying, ‘Put your head down between my legs.'”

That’s hilarious. I love it.

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Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub January 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

You are hilarious. And twisted. And your husband definitely scored a point when he suggested you calm down by putting your head between his knees. LOL. 😉

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Marinka January 18, 2009 at 3:30 pm

I’m so glad that so many of you had the exact same thought. But were too chicken to say it first.

And Amy, that was my friend John who told me to put my head between his legs. I can’t believe that you thought Husbandrinka was such a pervert. I may never forgive you.
😉

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binks January 18, 2009 at 4:13 pm

Only you and your twisted, farking, Russin mind.

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binks January 18, 2009 at 4:15 pm

Russian, damnit, Russian

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HoodChick January 18, 2009 at 5:25 pm

I thought there was some odd things going on there between mom and son. You know, blonde guy probably paid someone to FAKE the test results. So you could still be right and not sick at all. Or I could be watching too much daytime TV.

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Ann's Rants January 18, 2009 at 6:05 pm

Now I have to give you my second-born.

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Scary Mommy January 18, 2009 at 6:06 pm

You are twisted, woman. But in the best possible way. And that’s why we all adore you.

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Tooj January 18, 2009 at 6:25 pm

I would have backed that “the son is the father” theory. And who knows, maybe for the baby girl’s state of mind as she gets older, they’ve concealed this twist of the truth…??? Could be a conspiracy for her sake. Might want to check with those hospital tests and see if there’s a cover-up.

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MommyTime January 18, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Orr-rrr: the pilot PAID the geese to throw themselves at his windshield by promising that whatever of the flock didn’t get irreparably harmed would get a free chartered flight on Migration Weekend every fall and spring for the rest of his life, providing his Facebook numbers stayed up.

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Janie January 18, 2009 at 9:25 pm

You always crack me up.

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Heinous January 18, 2009 at 9:33 pm

Sick? You are always so misunderstood. It’s tragic, really.

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Irish Chicken Soup January 18, 2009 at 10:25 pm

LOL. You are not alone. I’ve learned that the majority of the things that pop into my head are unsayable.

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Wendy January 18, 2009 at 10:31 pm

This proves it. You need to be writing a Mexican soap opera.

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Threeboys1mommy January 18, 2009 at 11:01 pm

I’m on sick fuck team, although I may not have used those words exactly… something more to the tune of “you need help”. Seems more proactive… seriously, get help 😉

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Lana January 19, 2009 at 12:17 am

Ah, girl, you crack me up!!!
Thanks for the giggles!

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Braja January 19, 2009 at 6:27 am

Steenky Bee and others seem strangely convinced you were wrong about Anna Nicole’s son. WTF?

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Belle January 19, 2009 at 7:57 am

You are all freaks. I thought the old guy was the father. Yeah! Of course I know he was dead! But that doesn’t stop some people.

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Kristine January 19, 2009 at 8:07 am

I thought the same thing about Anna Nicole’s kid’s paternity. Although I also though since everyone in that whole drama was dying one right after the other that the blonde guy and the baby would be the next two.

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Domestic Goddess (In Training) January 19, 2009 at 8:28 am

Apparently I have sick fuck tendancies myself, because my husband (who has added himself as a fan of that pilot on Facebook… GAG) said he was starting up an airline safety business and my theory is that he did it on purpose to promot the business. As you say… TIME WILL TELL!

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Nicole January 19, 2009 at 8:33 am

You sick fuck! LOL that was hilarious, I’m still laughing about the panic attack. That would be something my husband would tell me…..to put my head between his legs. LMAO

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peajaye January 19, 2009 at 8:48 am

when i saw the title of this blog “sick fuck” then read “anna nicole,” i immediately thought the “sick fuck” would be her old husband. he was sick and they fucked. easy.

imagine my shock, then, when i discovered the blog’s title was eponymous. marinka, i must say i object strongly to this attack on your fine character, and i urge you to drop john immediately as your gay.

further, i would like to inform you, that not only did i harbor those same reasonable doubts about this so-called “hero” pilot when i first heard of his manuevers, i actually voiced them aloud – at work, in the reception/lobby, where cnn drones on incessantly. some fawning co-working was bleeting about what a “hero” this pilot was, blah, blah, blah (is there anyone in america who’s NOT a hero these days?) and all i said was something like, “well, if he were really all that great, he wouldn’t have flown into those birds in the first place, now would he?”

the looks i got. i couldn’t quite put my finger on what they might’ve been thinking. but i realize now, thanks to the insights of you, marinka, that they were thinking, “sick fuck.”

thank you.

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peajaye January 19, 2009 at 9:32 am

btw, where is PETA on this? shouldn’t they be bringing charges against this pilot for the torture and murder of those poor seagulls he slaughtered?

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Renée aka Mekhismom January 19, 2009 at 9:36 am

Thank you for my daily chuckle. On purpose? For facebook fans? Surely you jest. Right?

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Smores for Breakfast January 19, 2009 at 10:35 am

I love you’re blog. I live in NYC too and “eh” was my first reaction to the miracle landing on the hudson too! Yesterday, I went to go see it because it’s only a few blocks from me and it changed my “eh” to “wow.” anyway, keep blogging from NYC. We’ve def got a different perspective!

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the mama bird diaries January 19, 2009 at 11:45 am

I don’t know why you’re giving up your Anna Nicole Smith baby daddy theory. It could all be a conspiracy.

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bernthis January 19, 2009 at 11:59 am

Talk about a cry for help with that whole plane thing. I just don’t take my meds for a couple of days and believe me when I tell you, I get noticed.

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Anna Lefler January 19, 2009 at 12:11 pm

On the contrary. You are not a sick fuck. You are my HERO and I’ll viciously bang the grandfather of anyone who says otherwise!!

Love,

Anna

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Carolyn...Online January 19, 2009 at 12:15 pm

I thought Anna Nicole’s son was the father too. Although I think I was more relieved than disappointed when it turned out I was wrong. Because eww.

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La Belette Rouge January 19, 2009 at 12:53 pm

You make me want to get a Facebook page. Hmmm, but then I might have to do something dramatic to make friends.

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apathy lounge January 19, 2009 at 12:55 pm

Okay…so maybe you were wrong about Anna Nicole’s baby. Put your brain power into finding out who fathered Minnie Driver’s baby. I think it’s Eddie Izzard. Your take on it??

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ella January 19, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Um, totally! that dude now has 300,000+ fans on facebook.

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Nile January 19, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Some things do not surprise me and sometimes I think of the strangest things, so it is not unusual to hear someone else talk about it. It is all about the thought process.

I am not sure about the pilot thing…that is a very expensive crash for people to walk away from. I am sure he is still going through debriefings. However, if he was truly doing it on purpose, then it would eventually come out. It always does.

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FishermansDaughter January 20, 2009 at 12:54 pm

Not to one up or out sick fuck you… I’ll give you my theory, because you know, you brought it up and I am SUCH a giver… I think the son is the REAL father of ANS’s baby and that there was a cover up.
Seriously.
At least you live in NYC where people are a bit more open minded – any time I say something like this outloud where I live in the NH sticks – people baaaaaccckk awayyyyy.
They just can’t handle the truth.

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