Dream Girl

by Marinka on February 4, 2012

Last week I had a dream about a boy that I went to high school with. There was really no reason for me to dream about him. We didn’t spend time together in high school, we had some of the same classes but we didn’t study together, we were not friends, we did not go to the prom together, I’m pretty sure we didn’t even go with the same group of people. I hadn’t seen him since I graduated from high school, in 1985, if you can imagine such prehistory, I’m not on any high school listserver, he is completely off my radar, and yet, there it was. Or there he was. In my dream.

For no apparent reason.

And to make this post even less intriguing, it wasn’t even one of those dreams. You know those dreams where you wake up, smoke a cigarette and go straight to Confession, Judaism be damned, because you are a married woman after all.

But no.

In my dream he was there, a part of my life, not the focus, an extra, nothing dramatic. We didn’t talk in my dream but nor were we poignantly not talking.

But what startled me is that I know I’d dreamed about him before—a few years ago, in fact. I remember thinking what the hell? All day after that dream, and then Googling his name to see if maybe I had developed some psychic abilities and maybe he was dead or something. Fortunately for him, he was Google-fine, and I forgot about it. Until now.

Who knows what dreams mean, if anything, and chances are I’ll never know why every few years Billy shows up in mine. But I do know that after I woke up, the remnants of the dream stayed with me for days and I couldn’t help but think of being 17.

Of trying to remember what it felt like. And it’s startling to me because I can see myself at that age, but only from the outside. I know that I had a strong internal monologue; I remember there were things that I feared and enjoyed, friends I loved, boys I adored, secrets I lived. But those are now memories and I no longer feel them.

Is that what happens? Is this what becoming an adult is about, in part? Do we walk around with just shadows of our own childhoods, those memories replaced with the every daysness of our children’s lives?

Because I can certainly live with that. But it’s nice to be reminded about being a teenager again. Dreamy, even.

One year ago ...

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Mayor Gia February 4, 2012 at 7:39 pm

So, weird…last night I had a dream about a girl I went to high school with! Not a sex dream either…and I wasn’t close to her in hs and didn’t keep in touch at all after. Not even fbook friends. I have no idea where she came from. An odd feeling.

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Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
February 4, 2012 at 8:14 pm

My dreams are generally full of disconnected tedium. But every once in a while my past slips in – and I swear it holds me hostage for the entirety of the next day. I can feel who I was so keenly. It’s bittersweet – so many odd feelings of loss and confusion about what exactly was lost. It’s not like I have some glory days association with high school…but I’ve decided that it’s the sense of possibility – the reminder of what it was like to be so new and shiny. I have nostalgia for that. And for the uncomplicated view of the world – the way things “should” be.

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Kara
Twitter:
February 6, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Hear, hear!

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Jen February 4, 2012 at 9:41 pm

I could have written this post word for word. Every couple of years I would dream of this random guy that I knew in high school. He played no significant role in my life so it baffled me on why he would continue to enter my dreamscape. It really makes you wonder.

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annie February 5, 2012 at 11:38 am

I really like this post! I wonder if having teenagers ourselves will make us more prone to this type of thing. Not reliving it through them – we aren’t beauty pageant moms afterall – but just the feeling of coming full circle. I don’t know, it’s early and i haven’t had coffee yet. It could just be from eating salsa before bed.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
February 5, 2012 at 8:49 pm

the only time that I can REALLY remember what it felt like is when I listen to songs from the 80s. Then all the emotions coming rushing back.

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anna see February 6, 2012 at 9:13 am

just a very few songs transport me back to that time, and maybe “The Breakfast Club”

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Alexandra February 6, 2012 at 9:48 am

I loved this post about you.

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dusty earth mother February 6, 2012 at 11:09 am

Loved this. And the other night, I heard “Seasons in the Sun” which made me weepy and think about high school. Now I’ll probably dream about some random guy who’s going to die in the summertime.

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Becky Rice
Twitter:
February 16, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I was expecting a review of a Broadway musical when I saw the title of this post. I’m very glad it was something completely different.

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