Gather around kids, mommy has a story for you!

by Marinka on January 10, 2009

So, someone mentioned to me that one day my children may read my blog and that maybe I should make this blog more child friendly. My first reaction is along the lines of fuck that shit, but then I thought that I’d give it a try and write a child friendly post about men. Here I go! Is everyone cozy wozy? Aren’t you the cutest little reader? Yes, you are! You are!

One day, many, many months before the happiest day of mommy’s life when she met daddy, mommy had another friend. Peter was a boy, and he and mommy were very good friends. They were such good friends that they lived together in an apartment, because sometimes friends do that because it is friendly. So one day, mommy wakes up to see Peter in the kitchen, cleaning the refrigerator. Mommy notices that steam seems to be coming out of Peter’s ears and that he looks angry. So mommy walks into the kitchen and says “hi!” because mommy is very polite and Peter grumbles because he is not as polite and that is one of the reasons that he is not your daddy. The other reason is that he told mommy that he never wants to see her again, but that’s not today’s story. So mommy ignores the grumbling and has some coffee and then Peter slams the refrigerator door (how rude!) and says, “You never clean the refrigerator!” It turns out that Peter put some Chinese food leftovers in the refrigerator to see how long it would be before mommy cleaned it out and it turned out that the answer to that was “infinity” because mommy has good manners and doesn’t take other people’s stuff. She trusts them to take care of their own stuff.
Mommy thought that Peter was a weirdo for doing this Chinese food-refrigerator experiment, although maybe a more accurate term would be “eccentric”.

Mommy and Peter stopped being friends after a while and mommy got a new friend. After a few more friends, mommy met daddy and she decided that he was going to be her friend forever or at least until someone asked her if she was his mother, because mommy has heard of that happening as couples get older and mommy will not put up with that.

So, mommy and daddy are good friends, except in December when daddy’s own mom and dad came to visit and they stayed in the guest bedroom, and used daddy’s bathroom, so that mommy and daddy were forced to share a bathroom. Mommy thought that the bathroom sharing went very well, but apparently daddy had a lot of steam coming out of his ears. And last night he told mommy that in the past twenty five days she has not put the cap back on the toothpaste once. Although mommy is proud of daddy’s counting, for some reason this reminds her of Peter’s experiment.

Has daddy been marking off each day that the toothpaste cap was off?
Has daddy been getting angry every day that the toothpaste cap was off?
Why didn’t daddy tell mommy about it before Day 25?

So, the lesson that we learn today, children, is that either all men are weirdos or mommy is a lazy slob.

Good night!

One year ago ...

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{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }

Rachel January 10, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Awesome!

I hope Husbandrinka reads this, too, but you might need to dumb it down a bit.

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Cindy January 10, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Now that is some funny shit.

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Marinka January 10, 2009 at 1:26 pm

In defense of Husbandrinka (and in case he reads this), he is super smart. And handsome. And is generally my hero. Hi, honey!

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Sophie, Inzaburbs January 10, 2009 at 2:03 pm

I think this post contains some valuable lessons.

Have you thought about submitting it to a childrens’ book publisher?

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Elle January 10, 2009 at 2:31 pm

I like the way u’re write….:)

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Smart A$$ Mom January 10, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Ooohhh….I thought this story was gunna end with your dad getting a circumcision…damn.

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WendyB January 10, 2009 at 2:42 pm

A+

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The Panic Room January 10, 2009 at 2:43 pm

all you need is an illustrator and this could be a new “Golden Book” to keep by the bed. Man, I love this blog.

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Vodka Mom January 10, 2009 at 2:50 pm

fuck that shit.

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Vodka Mom January 10, 2009 at 2:51 pm

and I’m talking about what husbandrinka did. Doesn’t he know you by now goddammit???

Wait, that’s the line I used on Tightwad last night as he was complaining of the SAME DAMN THING.

bastard. I blame his mother.

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lisa January 10, 2009 at 3:02 pm

And this story proves why you can never have too many friends.

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Kirsten / Mama Ginger Tree January 10, 2009 at 3:12 pm

I’m gonna go with all men are weirdos.

Was Peter too much of a prima donna to clean out the fridge himself?

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K.Line January 10, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Damn, you didn’t go tell Husbandrinka you have a blog?!?! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Tooj January 10, 2009 at 3:44 pm

THAT…my “friend”, is a wonderful bedtime story. I can’t wait for the other story about Peter and his dismissal of the wonderful, considerate mommy.

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apathy lounge January 10, 2009 at 3:51 pm

Sweet Baby Jebus, but that was funny. I’ll be back.

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Threeboys1mommy January 10, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Yes kids, your mommy is a very funny lazy slob. I hope she finds the energy to provide us with Peter’s last name so I can find him on Facebook and see who married creep.

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Irish Gumbo January 10, 2009 at 4:40 pm

I clean stuff up. Mostly. And I leave the seat down. But I don;t worry about toothpaste caps.

Does that make me weird?

Great post! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Jen on the Edge January 10, 2009 at 4:46 pm

Something must be wrong with me, because I absolutely GOT where Peter and Husbandrinka were coming from.

Once, years ago when I was a harried SAHM of two wee ones, my husband didn’t empty the dishwasher for 70 straight days. That also happens to be one of my least favorite chores. I didn’t say a word, but I stewed, oh man did I stew. On the 71st day, I snapped.

And my husband has been an equal partner with the dishwasher thing ever since.

The end.

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Always Home and Uncool January 10, 2009 at 4:50 pm

Those guys probably even leave the seat down. Thoughtful bastards!

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Michelle Kostya January 10, 2009 at 5:00 pm

hmmm….this daddy sounds like my dear husband – although he says things like “you never” and “you always” which really tick mommy off.

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*Akilah Sakai* January 10, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Love your “straight-up” style.

Mines likes to leave drawers open. Once it was on a high dresser and I walked right into it and nearly dislocated my boob! I wonder if I yelled out “Fuck that shit!” LOL!

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Janet January 10, 2009 at 5:10 pm

I had to really try to keep my laughing down because the computer’s in my bedroom and the boyfriend is sleeping, but I failed miserably.

I hate cleaning refrigerators too. I usually give my mom twenty bucks to do it for me. I’m a horrible person.

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marathon mom January 10, 2009 at 5:10 pm

It’s a shame there is not a kid-friendly way to say passive-aggressive mofo dumbass.

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HoodChick January 10, 2009 at 5:30 pm

Ditto on fuck that shit. I mean, by the time they are in their 20’s or 30’s they will likely be on some future blog equivalent writing about their mommy, daddy and ex issues.

As for the toothpaste I have three words. Flip. Top. Cap. Now if I could get him to stop squeezing it in the middle…

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TMCPhoto January 10, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Yes living together in the same apartment is a really friendly. Chinese food experiments are not so friendly

I made my significant other read this entry because I knew he’s be able to relate on at least one level, and he laughed his ass off. It should be noted that I too am a lazy slob and he is happy to clean up after me with no experiments or counting the days to make things less friendly

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Anna See January 10, 2009 at 6:25 pm

I’m definitely going w/ the men are weirdos. What would you rate today’s blog? G, PG, or PG-13?

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Marinka January 10, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Anna–today’s blog is so G, you could practically read it to a fetus in utero!

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rachael January 10, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Ha, an ex was a compulsive neat freak. He got really upset over the littlest things which just did not bother me, His “rules” more often brought me to laughter rather than apologies, …. in hindsight, perhaps I shouldn’t have laughed, apparently he was pretty serious.

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Frogs in my formula January 10, 2009 at 6:31 pm

Funny shit. I bet mommy won’t have any problems making more friends someday if she needs to!

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Coma Girl January 10, 2009 at 6:39 pm

I think you may have a future as a children’s author.

Very funny!

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Melissa January 10, 2009 at 6:57 pm

Spouse does shit like that. And then he wonders why I headaches on those nights. Related maybe?

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Braja January 10, 2009 at 7:00 pm

I would be writing graffiti abuse of him all over his wall with toothpaste. Just until he got the message, of course. Nothing extreme.

Fuck men.

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Scary Mommy January 10, 2009 at 7:24 pm

You crack the shit out of me.

And I believe that ALL men are weirdos AND I am a lazy slob. ๐Ÿ™‚

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Heather January 10, 2009 at 8:19 pm

I just cleared our refrigerator out and lets just say its been a while, my trash can had to be emptied after. As for the toothpaste thing, I agree with vodka mom doesn’t he know you by now? The thing is do the kids follow you or him with the toothpaste top?

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Irish Chicken Soup January 10, 2009 at 8:52 pm

Oh God, that’s absolutely hilarious. I’ve been caught on the other end of a couple of those “experiments”.

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Jen January 10, 2009 at 10:14 pm

I think even Aesop himself would be proud of this tale. Hopefully, Husbandrinka got the moral of this story. ๐Ÿ™‚

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Ann's Rants January 10, 2009 at 10:51 pm

And that is why Daddy’s parents are never aloud to stay here again…

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MommyTime January 10, 2009 at 11:43 pm

Daddy is apparently related to me, which I suppose makes me “Auntie.” The reason I know we are related is because I know precisely how many days in a row Uncle has left his socks/boxers/pj’s on the bathroom floor right next to the nearly-empty laundry hamper without giving them that little boost for which they cry out. Namely, a leg-up into the hamper. For what it’s worth, Auntie, in her big suburban house with its dollhouse-sized master bath, has hunormous bathroom envy trained squarely on Mommy and Daddy in their ooh-la-la fancy New York apartment that offers separate bathrooms, so that Mommy has no idea about the relationship between Daddy’s dirty unmentionables and the hamper.

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Julia@SometimesLucid January 11, 2009 at 12:56 am

Funny!

I wrote a post on Russian Kids vs. American kids on my blog yesterday.

http://sometimeslucid.blogspot.com/2009/01/american-kids-versus-russian-kids.html

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Frau January 11, 2009 at 1:24 am

That was an awesome story loved it and your style very entertaining.

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jon January 11, 2009 at 1:28 am

that was awesome, your creativity knows no bounds!

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Heinous January 11, 2009 at 6:23 am

You’re not lazy. You’re just have a more liberal definition of domesticity.

You may want to consider childrens’ books.

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Beth January 11, 2009 at 6:38 am

This is scaring me a little. I have two sons who were *taught* (hey, I hear they do worse things in Guantรกnamo Bay) to put the cap back on and put the toilet seat down.

I guess one day I’ll read a blog about them.

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Comedy Goddess January 11, 2009 at 8:44 am

I’m sure you can keep track of some petty annoyance that Husbandrinka does routinely. And then lie in wait to ambush him with it. That’s what married people do for fun, n’est ce pas?

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Ashlie- Mommycosm January 11, 2009 at 9:31 am

LOL!
*snort*
I. Can’t. Breathe!!

I think we’re living parallel lives.

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Iheartfashion January 11, 2009 at 9:31 am

When my fridge gets too bad I just buy a new one.

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The Dental Maven January 11, 2009 at 9:44 am

25 days???? More proof that men have stellar communication skills.

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The Dental Maven January 11, 2009 at 9:47 am

25 days??? More proof that men have stellar communication skills.

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Pseudonymous High School Teacher January 11, 2009 at 10:21 am

Nothing makes my husband happier than seeing his wife and children all pitching in and cleaning house together. This does not happen often. He’s learning to find happy in other places to make up for this.

My vote – all men are weirdos, or at least more prone to anal/OCD type behaviors.

And you are funny. Homeruns every single time.

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bernthis January 11, 2009 at 10:51 am

I didn’t count the number of days b/c after two, it felt like forever. So however many days are in forever is how many my now ex husband left the cap off.

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Andy January 11, 2009 at 1:03 pm

At first I was hoping this post was going to be about the birds and the bees… but this turned out to be very funny. And we’re not weird.

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Kylie w Warszawie January 11, 2009 at 1:25 pm

This mommy is a lazy slob. But I do always remember to put the cap on the toothpaste (only because I’m a germ phobe). I do not, however, throw away leftovers.

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blognut January 11, 2009 at 2:08 pm

The way I see it, if you can bother to keep track of how long it takes me to clean out the fridge or put the cap back on the toothpaste, you can jump right in there and do either of those things yourself! In my house we don’t count those trivial things, but we do count how many days in a row I will leave my hairdryer in the bathroom sink. Hello! Why have 2 sinks in the same bathroom if one of them isn’t for storing my hairdryer. And, if you’re worried about becoming electrocuted, don’t touch it.

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DARWEN REPORTER January 11, 2009 at 3:17 pm

What a sad reflection of society

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Shelle-BlokThoughts January 11, 2009 at 6:32 pm

WOW thanks for talking in my terms…helps me understand everything so much better!

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the mama bird diaries January 11, 2009 at 6:50 pm

This is such a heartwarming tale for children.

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Temple January 11, 2009 at 7:28 pm

This should be required reading for little girls right behind Snow White and the Seven Commitment-Phobes and The Three Little Chauvinist Pigs and Their Need for Expensive Things to Compensate ๐Ÿ™‚

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phd in yogurtry January 11, 2009 at 9:28 pm

I, and others in my profession, call this “keeping score.” How about on day three he asks nicely, “could you put the cap on the toothpaste?” Lotta good it will do him, but at least he can stop the counting.

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Half Assed Kitchen January 11, 2009 at 10:08 pm

HIlarious!

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Belle January 12, 2009 at 3:07 am

Shit. How lucky are you? You have your own bathroom? Thats outrageous. I’m telling Groucho that ALL my friends have their own bathroom and we need to turn the spare room into another bathroom.

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Jeanne January 12, 2009 at 5:24 am

I do love a good bedtime story, although this kind of story so often makes my snuggly-partner have to find his own fucking bed to sleep in.

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TheCynicalOptimist January 12, 2009 at 7:04 am

Well, after Smart Ass Mom’s crazy intro of oyu, I had to come check it out- gotta say, I;m lobin’ it!

PS- if you happen to check my blog out, not that you have to, but if you do, please don’t think all I do it post slideshows of my darling child. I happened to do that yesterday but if you read back you will see this is a rare occurence (like I’ve never done it before). Just clearin’ that up… I’m just saying I don’t want you thinking I’m the lamest blogger ever and how could SmartA$$ mom even read my blog, right?

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TheCynicalOptimist January 12, 2009 at 7:06 am

Oh and PS- I am convinced my husband does this same crap about testing me with little things. The leftover CHicken and Rice soup is in the back of the fridge for like the 4th month now and just out of spite I am not moving in. Chicken and Rice THAT hubby!

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Kristine January 12, 2009 at 7:56 am

Is there a problem with leaving the toothpaste cap off that I’m unaware of?

I mean, I don’t do that in particular, but apparently I don’t put my contact lense covers back on the case when I have my contacts in my eyes. This causes my husband greta heartache, but if the contacts aren’t in there, there’s no need for the covers, no?

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peajaye January 12, 2009 at 9:08 am

I think the nanny is the villian of this story. Why isn’t she cleaning up that shit?

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Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub January 12, 2009 at 2:22 pm

I tried this with a magazine that my husband left on the floor of the bathroom by the toilet. After a month of staring at “Tugnology” (Don’t ask! It’s a fucking magazine about TUGBOATS.) every time I sat on the can, I finally just asked to put it away or throw it out. I swear I wasn’t keeping count, but it WAS a test.

I don’t know why I do these stupid things, but don’t hold it against your charming, handsome, intelligent husband. It could happen to anyone! ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas January 12, 2009 at 3:31 pm

The most accurate term for this is Asshole. I hate when they try to catch you or trick you or whatever this shit is.

Grrr.

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Charmaine January 12, 2009 at 8:11 pm

You’re supposed to KEEP the toothpast cap?

Nobody ever told me that.

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peajaye January 15, 2009 at 10:05 am

So I’m telling Sodomitedrinka, with whom I’ve lived for over 10 years (I can’t call him Husbandrinka because: a. we live in California, so we can’t be married anymore due to Prop.8; b. we never actually did get married during that brief window that we could’ve โ€“ we had other things to do, like go to the gym, Madonna concerts, and work [in that order]; and 3. that name is already taken.) โ€“ So anyway, I’m telling him about this post and the toothpaste cap, having a deep conversation about communication between couples, etc., and then he says, “Well, you know, you always leave the lid off your Noxema jar.” And I’m shocked because I had no idea that I did (or didn’t) do this. The lid was usually on it when I used it. And then he crinkles his nose and says something about how unsanitary it is to leave it opened like that in the bathroom with all those germs flying about. So I immediately shoot back, with quick and excellent debating skill, that his soap is left out in the open, so it’s the same thing. Ha! So then we get into it a little about the brown crustiness of the exposed Noxema โ€“ and how I pretend putting that on my skin is good for me, like a mud-pack facial you’d get at the spa โ€“ that we never go to because he’s always too busy, etc. And we air our differences, but it doesn’t get ugly, and we both feel like more evolved human beings at the end of it. So, Marinka, not only are you an entertainer and educator, but I believe you should now add Couples-Counselor to your resume. And perhaps there will be Federal money made available to you in the new stimulus program, because YOU’RE bringing about the change we need. Thank you.

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CSymons January 16, 2009 at 7:58 am

I’ve just recently found your blog…thru a friend of a friend (that’s how this works – right?) Anyhoo – you are Wonderfully funny! I’m a little more than jealous becuase I LOVE NYC and would be living there if I didn’t have 3 spawn and a hubby to take care of. Reading your blog has made me laugh, but I’ve learned from experience that you CAN NOT have ANYTHING in your mouth when reading these…ANY of these.
I don’t have the problem of the toothpaste cap…mine is squeezing the tube from the middle – ANNOYING! Love the blog!

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Z January 17, 2009 at 12:25 pm

ok, ok, im late. but i LOVE this post!!!

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