Homies and Homettes

by Marinka on January 31, 2011

Today’s guest post is from Elizabeth of Flourish in Progress. Elizabeth’s project is not shopping for a year, so I’d like to blame her for my huge scaling back this year. (By the way, has anyone else noticed that when you don’t shop, you don’t get new stuff? This is why you should always go on a huge spending spree right before the spree. That’s good advice that you can take to the bank, and while you’re there, withdraw all your cash, because we’re going shopping!)

Elizabeth is smart and funny and I’ve almost forgiven her for being only 30. Her posts about her childhood are among my most favorite ever. Elizabeth is relatively new to blogging, but as soon as I was two post deep into her blog, I knew that I’d be a regular reader. And if that’s not good enough for you, you should know that Awesome Dude is also a big fan.

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Before I got married three years ago, I went out on at least three blind dates a year. Why? Because clearly, I hate myself.

Usually, my friends made the introductions. Why? Because clearly, they hate me too.

It always started the same way. First, there would be an email exchange. It would look something like this:

Hi Elizabeth,

My name is ____. I got your email address from ____. I hear that you are single. I am also single. Can you believe this weather? It’s been so ____ (cold/rainy/sunny/hot/windy/muggy). I like long walks on the beach. Do you like long walks on the beach? I like the color purple. What color do you like?

Would you like to get together some time?

Fingers crossed,
____

I always kept my responses the same. It worked the first time, so I never bothered to change it.

Dear ____,

Sure. Why not. Bring it.

warmly,
Elizabeth

Then, there was at least one obligatory phone call. I learned quickly that this was a vital step in the blind-dating process.

On one occasion, as my blind date and I were firming up plans for dinner during a phone call, he casually mentioned that I should bring cash. Immediately, I liked the guy. How many men have enough forethought to make sure their date has enough cash for the valet? What a guy! Ding! Ding! Ding! Folks, we have a winner.

Sadly, I had jumped to the wrong conclusion.

His next sentence?

“The food court we’re going to doesn’t take credit cards, and I’d hate for you to run to an ATM to get cash for your dinner. ATMs have fees. I hate fees.”

Oh, okay. That’s……still thoughtful.

A preliminary phone call became a must after a particularly stilted phone conversation with one potential date. He seemed extremely nervous, and I could almost hear the sweat dripping down his face as we talked. I’m not a natural conversationalist either, so I tried to put him at ease. He finally admitted that phone time had been limited while he was incarcerated. Since he was newly out on parole, he was still getting used to “talking with the ladies.”

I didn’t go out on a date with him. Looking back, I still can’t pinpoint the exact reason. Maybe it was the sweat. I’m not sure how I feel about sweat.

I always tried to keep my expectations realistic before the actual date. Okay, that’s a lie. I always hoped that This Man would sweep me off my feet. Or, at the very least, I hoped This Man would have the decency and know-how to sweep around my feet when he helped me clean.

Most blind dates never made it past the first date, but one blind date did lead to a two-month relationship.

He was great. We enjoyed the same foods, laughed at all the same jokes, and shared common views on life. Too bad he neglected to tell me that he had two kids for most of the two months we were together.

I became suspicious when I saw a long list of Disney songs on his Ipod. I asked him why he liked Hannah Montana so much. He claimed the songs were for his nieces. This would have been a believable story, but his sister was going through IVF treatments…because she didn’t have any kids.

Then there was the Razr scooter in his backyard. He blamed the next-door neighbor’s kids for leaving their things everywhere. Too bad the twins next door had just celebrated their second birthday and were still working on some vital coordination skills. Hmmm….Razr scooters at two?

I’m a “glass half full” kind of girl. While I would have liked honestly from the very beginning, when he finally ‘fessed up that he had two daughters, I wasn’t upset. I was relieved that he wasn’t a pedophile. Oh, the little victories of blind dating.

I’m happily married now…to a normal man. Yes, it’s as much of a shock to me as it may be to you.

One year ago ...

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{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

Trish@Show and Tell
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 1:25 am

Great guest post! Hope Marinka’s off getting a full body massage from some hot, young, straight Swedish guy.
Anyway….back to the subject at hand….despite the trials and tribulations of blind-dating…..I think it might still stand you in good stead for the many, many, many years of marriage you have ahead.
Because no matter how “normal” your wonderful new husband seems now…..sooner or later you will look at him and mutter those 3 little words:
“You deplete me” (yes those words, not THOSE words).

Trish
xx

Reply

elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 11:34 pm

i’m sorry, i was too preoccupied with the thought of the young swedish man…

the key three words in relationships- i like you.

in marriage- you deplete me.

awesome.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 8:07 am

I went on so very many blind dates. They are most certainly a form of self torture.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 12:06 pm

i hate it when self torture includes hair plugs and smelly feet.

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anna see January 31, 2011 at 9:27 am

Thank you for making me count my blessing today.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 12:08 pm

you’re welcome. it’s good to know that years of food court dates did not go to waste.

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Masala Chica
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 10:41 am

Like you, I was also thrown into some really great, well balanced blind date scenarios. Guys who went on to be permanent stalkers, guys who were twenty years older than me, and a guy with a major drinking problem who puked on our first date.

I like to think my friends hold me in high esteem, but sometimes, I have to wonder 😉

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 12:10 pm

i bet your knee to groin reaction time is very quick.

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Anna
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 12:21 pm

this is hilarious. on a happy note, i met my husband on a blind date.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 1:43 pm

this is why the rest of us suffered through the bad ones…hoping to land a good one like you did. seriously…awesome.

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Anna
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 1:47 pm

i didnt mean to imply he’s a good one… but he did bring enough cash for both of us on our first date. and it wasn’t in a food court. i guess i *could* cut him some slack.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 4:51 pm

not in a food court? wow, he’s setting some really high expectations there. wish i had known a few of those.=)

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Noa Gavin January 31, 2011 at 3:58 pm

It never ends with you, does it? You have the most awesomely ridiculous life.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 4:53 pm

i think you just meant ridiculous. but thank you for adding the awesome.

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) January 31, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Hahaha…the trials and tribulations of dating while single. Can’t say that I miss it! Sweat is a big no no to me too!

Reply

elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 4:54 pm

i try not to be so judgey, but i guess i do have to draw the line at sweaty ex-con. probably the diva in me.

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Bloggertobenamedlater January 31, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Liz, you do get around. Even on days when I am minding my own business, and out of nowhere my husband shows up with my Nerf Gatlinger gun and unloads a clip on me as I sit defenseless, I am still completely glad to never have to date again. At least until I kill him and have to start all over again. As for the sweat issue, whether it’s a nasty sweaty palm or a cold rivulet of fear down the ass crack kind of sweat, it’s a bad sign. Good call on the no date with Mr. Sweaty.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 11:36 am

Thank you for validating my diva tendencies. I had to draw the line somewhere.

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Awesome dude January 31, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Great post.

I think it is not easy to find a good place after jumping in the last car of the leaving train.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 1:02 am

what does it mean if you miss the train completely?

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Suebob
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 7:15 pm

I love that some people think that dating anyone is preferable to being alone. There was a guy at church who was very developmentally delayed – probably about a mental age of about 7-8 years old who had a big crush on me. I was telling my co-worker about my struggles to gracefully extract myself from his attentions (he was writing me notes, making little drawings for me) and she said “Well, you should consider going out with him.”

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 1:02 am

perhaps your friend and my friends went to the same school of matchmaking?

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dusty earth mother January 31, 2011 at 10:16 pm

I particularly liked the email exchange. Because my favorite color is purple too. What’s your favorite color?

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 1:03 am

my favorite color is pink.
i like long walks on the beach and poetry.

would you like to go out sometime?

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alexandra
Twitter:
January 31, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Oh, funny, because it was my life. And I loved this post b/c it reminds me of all I’m no longer missing.

I had a blind date in which the fellow brought along a picture of what he liked to do “for fun.”

I’m too embarrassed to tell you, but he pulled out a picture of him dressed as a clown.

A clown.

A.Clown.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 1:05 am

a clown?

no, i couldn’t go out with a clown for the sole reason that it would probably be impossible not to step on his big shoes while we were dancing. i have standards.

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Diane February 1, 2011 at 12:07 am

Lovely! Reading your post was like watching an episode of the Twilight Zone. Have you ever heard of that show? There have now been 2 versions I know of since I have been alive. The only good thing going about being born in the 60’s was the year I was born (my husband’s favorite – I think you know). We’ll best wishes – I’m not in the dating thing. Been with my husband since 1988 – we weren’t actually married until 1993 – but I’m living through the blind date scene vicariously thru my BFF after her husband left her for a much younger woman (he’s a damn fool). All great tales. Will forward to her and make a mental note for myself.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 1:09 am

please tell BFF i send positive thoughts her way, with the hope that she never encounters clowns and convicts and curmudgeons…ever.

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Jennifer February 1, 2011 at 7:18 am

This flashed me back to my highschool boyfriend who just once asked me if I could walk the mile of my gravel road and meet him at the end so as to keep his precious car clean. Mind you this is a country road where ravenous coyotes could have eaten me but the car comes first then we will worry about the girlfriend.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 11:37 am

Who ever ended up with that gentleman surely is one lucky lass.

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Lady Jennie February 1, 2011 at 8:04 am

Oh this is just SO great! 🙂 I will definitely check out her blog.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 11:37 am

🙂 thanks, Lady!

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Kelli February 1, 2011 at 8:11 am

Elizabeth is one of my new fav bloggers! She’s pretty awesome.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 5:29 pm

wow. and i didn’t even have to pay you to say that. thanks.

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a February 1, 2011 at 8:44 am

My friends learned VERY early that trying to interfere in my dating life was a bad idea. I think we were 13 the last time it happened, and it resulted in me not talking to them for several weeks.

Sweaty ex-cons…nice. Who would think that setting you up with him would be a good idea?

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

someone who i no longer talk to. ha!

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joeinvegas February 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm

First met my current (and only) wife on a blind date, set up by a coworker. Going on 36+years so far, so that one worked out for us.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 1:06 pm

i hope that coworker got his/her well-deserved pat on the back. =)

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Velvet February 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I had a guy lie about having a kid too, and it did end the relationship, but not because of his son. (I’m not a total loser.) He had so many cryptic phone calls and snuck around for so long, that in my mind, I was convinced he had a girlfriend or a wife. By the time I learned the truth, it was too late.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 5:32 pm

oy. we were clearly both winner magnets. =)

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Kimberly February 1, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Your blind date stories sound an awful lot like some of the dating disasters I’ve had in the last several months. Hilarious!

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 11:36 pm

we are survivors.

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Amanda February 1, 2011 at 8:53 pm

I’ve only been on one blind date and I ended up marrying him 8 months later. We declare our unwavering tolerance of each other daily!

That being said, many of the guys I chose to date before him sound like they were on the same list as your blind dates. It’s a good thing someone else picked out my husband.

Reply

Yuliya
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Oh I am so ashamed to admit this but I assumed that Flourish in Progress was just a blog about the whole no shopping thing, and only visited once!
Please forgive me! I will be back and will begin making my way through the archives immediately.

Also? as I read about Razr scooter man I kept hoping “please don’t be a pedophile”, success!

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 11:38 pm

thanks for giving it another chance.

not a pedophile, just a liar. i put that in my book as success. ha!

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Khara February 1, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Elizabeth, always the BEST storyteller!

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm

you rock for saying that. i mean, you rock regardless, but uh, i’ll stop now.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
February 1, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Very funny post! I don’t miss dating in NYC one bit…other than the free dinners.

I take comfort in the fact that should my husband take a girlfriend, he’ll have to hide our three children from her. And if I find out about her, I’m making her babysit.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
February 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm

that could totally work. i bet you wouldn’t even have to pay her. win-win.

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Glamamom
Twitter:
February 3, 2011 at 12:38 am

hilarious as always darling. although i can’t imagine you not being a conversationalist…

Reply

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