I Don’t Know What That Means

by Marinka on December 17, 2012

I may have mentioned before that 11 year old Young Ladrinka loves Magic The Gathering. I know it sounds like some sort of a cult, but if only life were that easy. Because if he were in a cult, he probably wouldn’t keep telling me about Magic The Gathering all the time because I assume that would be against cult rules. To be perfectly honest with you, I’m not sure about the logistics of how cults work, so I’m sorry if you landed on this page by Googling “the final word on cults.”

But no, Magic The Gathering is not a cult, it’s a card game. A card game that makes no sense, I may add, but Young Ladrinka must never know this because if I make an innocent comment like “Satan himself invented this torture” he starts protesting and explaining the whole thing to me and I’m like, “I didn’t mean Satan in a BAD way.”

So there are cards. And there’s Mana. And not Mana from Heaven, in case you think it turns into Nutella or something. No. Mana is a kind of a card and I have no idea why it is important, or why it’s called Mana or what it does or what the meaning of life is. What I do know (I think) is that a player who wants to use Mana or some kind of a power card (I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS) has to turn the card sideways. When a card is turned sideways, it means that it is tapped. And when it is tapped, it means it’s in action. Obviously that’s really important. I don’t know why.

So my son and his friends love this game and have tournaments and talk about it nonstop.

And tonight my son told me that he is still fleshing out his Holiday Gift List, and would like to add this beauty to it:

(sorry, you have to click on the image to make it bigger. Or put it under the microscope. Your choice.)

In case it isn’t obvious, this is a Magic The Gathering I’d Tap That t-shirt. And it’s funny because it uses the tap sign from Magic The Gathering (I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS). But at the same time, it says “I’d tap that” and I told my Young Ladrinka that there’s no way he’s getting that t-shirt. And he asked why. And because I’m one of those people who doesn’t think fast on her feet, or on any other part of her anatomy, I said: “Because tap can also refer to beer and it’s illegal for children to have alcohol.”

No, I was not drunk when I said that.

Yes, he did look at me as though I were.

So now I have to explain to my son why he can’t have a t-shirt that says “I’d tap that.” If you have any ideas, please let me know. Because I’m not sure about saying “son, I’d tap that means I’d have sex with, so that’s an awkward message to have on your t-shirt.” Although I don’t know why it means that either.

One year ago ...

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

teddi b December 17, 2012 at 11:28 pm

I have a 14 year old boy and we have most of our uncomfortable conversations in the car. This way I don’t have to look directly at him. My son learned all about sex while I was driving him to school . . . . now, you have a bit of a conundrum because I’m assuming you aren’t doing a lot of driving in NYC. So, maybe talk while he’s in the shower? Or, while playing a video game? This is when their species does their best listening — while distracted. Seriously.


Karen December 18, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Not the shower! Not the shower!


Marie December 17, 2012 at 11:38 pm

True story: my father was our chemistry teacher and one student just DIDN’T GET IT. Instead of answering any questions about moles or reactions, he would draw super elaborate fantasy sketches on the back of all tests. We would shrug with, “Don’t get it.”

Yeah, he ran away and started up with the new Magic The Gathering cult and became INCREDIBLY wealthy.

I would happily have his money instead of my knowledge of moles.


December 17, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Thanks for the gift idea! Mine’s 15 and a lost cause!


RebeccaNYC December 18, 2012 at 12:20 am

Tell him what it means and watch him go “ewwwwww”. One Christmas gift less to buy. You’re welcome.


Lady Jennie December 18, 2012 at 4:39 am

Uh yeah – that tee-shirt is a definite no!

No idea what to tell him though. Good luck wid dat.


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes December 18, 2012 at 7:22 am

I might need a little time to think out a solution for this one….


deb December 18, 2012 at 8:43 am

i say just come out with it. once he knows it could be a sexual reference there’s no way he’ll want the t-shirt. AND as a bonus, he just might feel to uncomfortable saying “tap that” to play that game. two birds with one sexual stone!


joeinvegas December 18, 2012 at 10:07 am

Come on Ma, just get him the shirt. He’s a Magic player.


December 18, 2012 at 11:54 am

I’m going to put “I’d tap that” as my new e-mail signature. Thanks to Young Ladrinka for the great idea!


December 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Do they make that in a Ladies size 6?


Alina Adams December 18, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but my 45 year old husband has a childhood friend with whom he’s been playing Magic: The Gathering for THIRTY FIVE YEARS. They still get together regularly. It never goes away, even after they learn the meaning of “I’d tap that.” And no, even “tapping that” regularly will help.


December 18, 2012 at 6:51 pm

The irony is, of course, that any guy wearing that shirt is unlikely to “tap” anyone.


the mama bird diaries
December 18, 2012 at 9:40 pm

I thought it also meant, “I’d have sex with that girl.” Like “I’d tap that girl.” But somehow still seems inappropriate.


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