I’m going to a spa

by Marinka on September 27, 2011

Want to come with me?

Well, you can’t. But through the magic of internet technology, you can help me choose the spa services that I will receive. Isn’t that great? You get the spa experience from the comforts of home.

You’re welcome!

First, for your consideration and my mortification, here are the services that my companions are getting. Perhaps you now understand why I can’t ask my IRL friends for guidance on this and must turn to you, my dear page view provider, I mean, reader/soul mate, for help.

Reading of the Moment

Let an expert guide you to a higher level of understanding of your life path. Each reading includes a palm reading and a tarot card reading. If appropriate, numerology and the pendulum may also be used.

I wonder what they mean by “if appropriate the pendulum may also be used.” I’m imagining a “CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE! Pendulum in the Aura room, stat!” situation.

Interactive Aura Photography

Discover the incredible colors of your Aura/Energy Field. Learn how becoming more aware of your energy field can be valuable for creating balance in all areas in your life – physical, emotional and mental. Each session includes a comprehensive analysis showing your Aura/Energy Field and the meaning of the colors in your Aura, while explaining each of the seven Chakras and how the energy flows within your body.

“Your aura is brown. Next!”

Ok, my options are below. Please pick one that you think will be (a) best for me and (b) make for a satisfying blog post. I realize that there may be an inherent conflict between those two criteria.

Blue Corn Body Polish

Our signature, this treatment combines regional elements with the power of water for a truly refreshing experience. Native Americans used ground corn to cleanse and purify the skin. We blend blue corn with mineral salt crystals and oil to make a vigorous scrub, which is applied and massaged off under the seven Vichy showerheads for the ultimate in relaxation and hydrotherapeutic benefit. We finish with an application of our signature body lotion, leaving you rehydrated and renewed.

I’m worried that this appeals to me mostly because I sort of think that they’ll give me blue corn tortilla chips.

Clay Wrap

This unique high desert treatment begins with a light exfoliation and a generous application of our mineral-rich Sedona clay. We have enhanced the already powerful detoxifying, anti-inflammatory properties of the clay with the addition of cocoa powder. Cocoa is a softening, smoothing antioxidant agent that heals and protects while its delightful aroma brings a sense of simple pleasure. After you have showered off the clay, we apply a mineral-rich oil or lotion infused with native herbs to leave you glowing and feeling grounded.

Mmm…clay and cocoa powder!

Jojoba Butter Wrap

This treatment begins with a gentle sea salt exfoliation to prepare your skin for a luxurious butter crème containing jojoba and shea butter, which is gently applied to the skin. Your body is then wrapped in warm blankets to allow the rich crème to penetrate more deeply, providing unsurpassed moisture and protection for skin that has to cope with the effects of stress, pollution and aging. The 90-minute treatment adds a 30-minute massage.

Do you think they’ll be preparing me for a roast?

Milk and Honey Bath

This is an exfoliating and moisturizing experience for the entire body. The luxurious treatment begins with a honey scrub, followed by a warm bath filled with milk and honey, and culminates with a light massage. Please wear a bathing suit for this treatment.

Vegans, beware! Also, I hate both milk and honey so unlike with the other treatments, there will be no temptation to eat my treatment.

So if you had to pick one spa service for me, what would it be?

One year ago ...

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

karen September 27, 2011 at 10:34 am

The Reading of the Moment and the Interactive Aura Photography are just too fucking woo-woo for me.

The two wrap services sound like a claustrophobic’s worst nightmare.

I can take a freaking bath at home.

I’d go with the blue corn scrub, and annoy the hell out of the person by calling it maize.

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Megan September 27, 2011 at 10:41 am

The butter wrap seems the most relaxing, plus there will be a massage, which I never pass up!

I don’t know if you know this, but a Vichy shower is when you lay on a table, naked, and they spray you with warm water. Some might find that more mortifying than relaxing. Just sayin’.

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Marinka September 27, 2011 at 11:34 am

OMFG, no I did not know that that’s what a Vichy shower is. I assumed that this is what they did to corpses, not people trying to relax.

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CuppaJo September 27, 2011 at 10:41 am

I wouldn’t do the clay and cocoa one unless they promise to feed me brownies during the treatment – the “delightful aroma” would make me crazy otherwise! Same wisdom may apply to the blue corn treatment – “Is there salsa to go with this?”

Personally, I’d go for the Jojoba Butter Wrap. It sounds like the least harsh exfoliation, and no great food temptation , but mostly because of the 30 minute massage.

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rebeccaNYC September 27, 2011 at 11:11 am

Go for the massage. Plus they call lotion “crème” and that’s all fancy. You deserve the best.

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Melissa A. September 27, 2011 at 11:50 am

It all sounds horrifying! A lounge chair on the beach, under a canopy where Mr. Hot Pants brings me an umbrella drink – I’m pretty sure my healing chakra is at the bottom of class #3.

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Parker September 27, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Go for the butter wrap…You will relax and come out super SOFT!

Oh man how I want a spa day

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awesome dude September 27, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Sounds like high high end whorehouse.

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Wendi
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Not just high end whorehouse. High HIGH end whorehouse.

But I agree with the Dude.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 1:21 pm

JoJoba butter wrap sounds (a) the most relaxing; (b) the least likely to accidentally exfoliate too much; (c) deliciously like it comes with the PG version of a happy ending. What’s not to like about that?

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julia September 27, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Butter wrap!!

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BrassyDel
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I think… I might find the blue corn one to be mortifying, now that I’ve been educated in what a Vichy shower is, and reread the description to notice that it sounds like they will be showering you while doing the massage. I’m…. no. You know what? JUST NO.

So I would go with the roast, I mean the butter wrap, but only if you’re getting that massage.

What ever happened to something simple like a massage and a pedicure?

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Alexandra
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm

CanNOT comment until I get over what awesome dude said.

Oh my god!

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Alexandra
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 2:59 pm

OK.

Composed now.

I say, do nothing.

With what I know of you online, I can’t imagine you relaxing enough to have strangers smash your naked body with food.

Not enough vodka or heroin in the world to put you in that mental place.

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christy September 27, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Oh wow. The butter wrap sounds AMAZING. And it includes a massage? It’s a no-brainer Marinka!

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Tonya September 27, 2011 at 3:51 pm

I think the corpse shower…er…Vichy thing sounds like the best blog post. And I say forget what YOU want it’s really all about the blog.

Why do you have to wear a bathing suit for the Milk and Honey but not for the Blue Corn? Is awesome dude correct after all?

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Amy in Atlanta September 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm

The clay wrap, for sure. It sounds like the most relaxing.

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Sophie@Fabrications September 27, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Awesome dude has a point, especially if it’s a whorehouse/eatery.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Does Dick Cheney run this “spa”?

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 10:03 pm

the blue corn tortilla chips body polish!

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Beth September 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Well, you should definitely get the Interactive Aura Photography done, simply so that you can have Meredith (lifescrazyjoke) create your actual photo for you.
http://www.lifescrazyjoke.com/dont-piss-me-off/

But other than that, I’d say go with the clay wrap. And if shit really hits the fan, just ask for the cocoa and maybe you can eat it instead.

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Glamamom
Twitter:
September 27, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Wraps make me claustrophobic. They saran wrap you and you can’t move at all for however long. Then they throw a hot towel over your eye so your nose and chin are the only parts breathing fresh air. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Enjoy.

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Tinne from T and T September 28, 2011 at 7:48 am

Look I’ll make you a deal. If you get the clay wrap I’ll get one too. Oh yes, my dear we have such sofiticated spas in Belgium, one is near my home actually and I have been dying for an excuse to go there..

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reivenwolf October 1, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I’ve worked in a few high-end whorehouses, uh I mean spa’s and even though you are naked on the table under the vichy shower, you are at all times covered by two strategically placed towels. Vichy showers are very relaxing, in fact they were used in hospitals to calm down mental patients I’m just saying… and wraps are a serious waste of money, unless you like being wrapped up in goo that gets cold and sticky – I don’t but to each his/her own. I personally would get the scrub/vichy shower with a massage. It sounds the most beneficial and relaxing.

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