It’s-Not-Endorsed by US Weekly Chat!

by Marinka on March 11, 2011

Welcome!

Once again this week I lovingly reviewed the newest and freshest issue of US Weekly and picked out the most important nuggets for us to concentrate us. Now I am not perfect. Really. Last week, I missed the important news that Kathy Griffin was dating the Old Spice guy. Fortunately, Metalia caught it.

See, it is only when we help each other that we all learn and improve our celebrity wisdom.

Ok!

This week’s cover story was a huge disappointment. It’s about my beloved Bachelor and the cover screams SECRETS OF THE PROPOSAL. And tells us that we will learn what really happened on their final dates! How exciting!

Except that US Weekly, bound by some kind of bizarre ethics, does not reveal who Brad the Bachelor picks. Which, as far as I’m concerned, is the only secret that we need to know.

So it’s with a heavy heart that I turn to the rest of the magazine.
Great news! Who Wore It Best tells us that 98% of people surveyed think that some British beauty that I’ve never heard of looks better in what appears to be a floral bedspread than Kirstie Alley.
Celebrities slam fired Dior designer and Hitler admirer John Galliano!
Maria Carey, Beyonce, 50 Cent and Usher are under fire for accepting money from Qadaffi. In their defense, though, I’m sure they had no idea who he was.

Bethenny Frankel is featured in the 25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me this week, which is totally notable for being a snooze. Usually there are a few “things” that I find interesting in this feature, but the best we get from Bethenny is that she doesn’t own a scale. And that she loves a good road trips.

The List(not Schindler’s) features 25 Stars Who Were Wed Less Than A Year! Fun!

My favorite feature this week (and I admit it’s slim pickings) is Kids’ Posh Purses—We have Zahara Jolie-Pitt with her $1,295 Valentino bag and Suri Cruise with the same priced Dolce & Gabbana purse. Let me say this right now: That’s fucked up. I don’t care how much money you have, that is some fucked up shit.

Guess what the Stars – They’re Just Like US are doing this week? Jake Gyllenhaal jogs in the street! Paris Hilton goes to Petco to buy pet food! And my favorite is that Anne Hathaway and some guy TRAVEL IN PAIRS! That’s right, there’s even a picture of the two of them, together, at the airport. It’s like a modern day Noah’s Ark, let me tell you.

Holy shit, did you know that Mark Wahlberg has four children? Where have I been? (Obviously not at his baby showers)

Sad news! Melissa Gilbert split with Bruce Boxlietner. OMG, did you know that they have four sons? Why do I know so little about Hollywood progeny?

Natalie Portman and her baby papa went on a post Oscars getaway and she let one of the busboys feel her uterus! Well, US Weekly says that she let one of the busboys feel the baby kick, but where is the baby, I ask you? (Wait, do you think this is why stars don’t invite me to baby showers?!)

Also Kelcey Grammer is going to be a grandpa. And his new wife is two years older than his daughter. Love! What are you going to do?
The Twilight kids Robert Pattison and Kristen Steward have been staying in a two bedroom hotel suite! The actress is super private, but the actor likes to take cabs to restaurants. CABS TO RESTAURANTS?! Be careful, Robert, that’s going to land you on the Stars! They’re Just Like US!

Diane Lane is going to play Clark Kent’s mom in the new Superman film. Shouldn’t actresses playing moms be more Faye Dunaway’s age and less my age?

And some of Justin Bieber’s hair sold for over $40,000 on Ebay (proceeds donated to charity!) I bet Tom and Katie bought it for Suri.

What caught your eye?
Any important celebratal developments?

One year ago ...

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Deb March 11, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Maria Carey, Beyonce, 50 Cent and Usher are under fire for accepting money from Qadaffi. In their defense, though, I’m sure they had no idea who he was
*Laugh*

Reply

Marinka March 13, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Certainly you’re not laughing at our musical royalty?!

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Rima
Twitter:
March 11, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I really think you need your own show. Like, on the picture tube. Joan and Melissa have nothing on you!

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Marinka March 12, 2011 at 10:23 am

As my newly crowned agent, don’t you think you should be devoting yourself to that full-time?

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Scary Mommy
Twitter:
March 13, 2011 at 5:07 am

Rima, can you get on that, please? Let’s bring the Rivers down.

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christy March 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Those purses are RIDICULOUS. I just don’t get it. And I clicked on the link for the Griffin Old Spice guy post but couldn’t find it. Wah.

Hysterical post, as always!

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anna see March 11, 2011 at 8:49 pm

1,250 for a purse? Sheesh. Molly and I watched a show about over the top kids’ parties last night. Got to love the $35,000 party for a 6 yr old.

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Melanie
Twitter:
March 11, 2011 at 10:48 pm

What caught my eye? The possible reality show featuring Leanne Rimes and her fiance, Eddie Cibrian. I don’t know – I was just picturing the faces of the exes that they both left for each other, as they watch the show. I see a few bullet holes in a couple of t.v. sets.

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From Belgium March 12, 2011 at 8:42 am

Taking a cab to a restaurant, my my, who would guess that Robert Pattison had such a wild side…

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Leadia@TheBreeder'sDigest March 12, 2011 at 9:32 am

For you more tech-saavy gossip-mongers out there, I strongly urge you to hightail it over to USmagazine.com. It is like opening King Tut’s tomb (or Al Capone’s depending on your level of expectation). There you will discover amazing treasures like: The Gender of Victoria Bekham’s Baby! (which I find hard to believe because I picture all the Beckhams being smooth and androgynous in their anatomy, like Barbie and Ken. ) Also, if you can handle it, you can also feast your eyes on this video: Kourtney Kardashian Gets Drenched in Scott Disick’s Pee. This sounds like it should be on another type of website altogether, but as it does involve those crazy Kardashians, you never can tell! Lastly, if you are looking for weekend plans, please read all about what Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin do for fun – probably something along the lines of Chris listening to Gwyneth sing and being forced to lavish her with false praise like, “Honey, I’m ashamed that I am the one with a recording contract. Clearly you are the one blessed with vocal magic
as I have never been a featured performer on Glee, the Oscars AND the Grammys.”

Oh! And PS: Jewel wants us to know that she and her fetus are A-ok after an accident with a fire truck. This info is for those of you who believe Jewel is still relevant.

Reply

b a seagull
Twitter:
March 12, 2011 at 10:34 am

only you can phrase things to make me want to buy that rag.

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Awesome dude March 12, 2011 at 11:09 am

I am truly blessed with you my daughter, my second largest blessing is in the fact that I did not recognize a single name from your note save for Natalie Portman, and it is only because she was identified as a Jew in one of the Russian radio talk shows.

They said something like that: If Oscar winning, Harvard graduate could not find a marriageable man. What is for us, regular whores, to do?

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Becky Rice March 12, 2011 at 2:51 pm

The Scarecrow was married to half-pint?

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tracy
Twitter:
March 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I would much prefer this in vlog form next week. Pretty please?

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
March 12, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Travel in pairs like a modern Noah’s Ark!! Great line.

I remember once reading the Stars Just Like Us section to see “Halle Berry WALKS!” As though we should all be surprised she’s not carried on settee atop a fucking puma or something.

I love this new US weekly analysis you’re doing.

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
March 12, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Do you suppose TomKat will weave Bieb’s hair into a purse? as if it were pony hair but you know, human? and will they find a way to lure biebs into the l. ron hubbard crazy town express?

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anymommy March 13, 2011 at 6:41 pm

The purses. I can not believe it. That is fucked up. Also, papa is my favorite ever. What is a regular whore to do, I ask you? Marry a gentile, that’s what, I did.

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The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
March 13, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Okay, I know this wasn’t your favorite edition of US Weekly – but this is my favorite of your US Weekly chats! You know, of the three chats you’ve done.

Also, what’s wrong with a toddler owning expensive handbags? I just bought the Chalupa his first Channel bag. No, I didn’t misspell it. It’s from the Sprout Channel. Caillou is all the rage.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
March 13, 2011 at 9:05 pm

What’s up with everyone having 4 kids. It’s so showy.

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alexandra
Twitter:
March 15, 2011 at 11:24 am

You know, you must know, that I’m loving this brain on vacation talk.

Just my thing.

CanNOT get enough of the silly.

Everyone is just too serious, and I don’t like having to think or convince myself something is funny.

This is funny. No Emperor’s New Clothes here.

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Lady Jennie March 15, 2011 at 4:23 pm

What? Someone bought his hair??

Reply

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