Once again this week I lovingly reviewed the newest and freshest issue of US Weekly and picked out the most important nuggets for us to concentrate us. Now I am not perfect. Really. Last week, I missed the important news that Kathy Griffin was dating the Old Spice guy. Fortunately, Metalia caught it.
See, it is only when we help each other that we all learn and improve our celebrity wisdom.
This week’s cover story was a huge disappointment. It’s about my beloved Bachelor and the cover screams SECRETS OF THE PROPOSAL. And tells us that we will learn what really happened on their final dates! How exciting!
Except that US Weekly, bound by some kind of bizarre ethics, does not reveal who Brad the Bachelor picks. Which, as far as I’m concerned, is the only secret that we need to know.
So it’s with a heavy heart that I turn to the rest of the magazine.
Great news! Who Wore It Best tells us that 98% of people surveyed think that some British beauty that I’ve never heard of looks better in what appears to be a floral bedspread than Kirstie Alley.
Celebrities slam fired Dior designer and Hitler admirer John Galliano!
Maria Carey, Beyonce, 50 Cent and Usher are under fire for accepting money from Qadaffi. In their defense, though, I’m sure they had no idea who he was.
Bethenny Frankel is featured in the 25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me this week, which is totally notable for being a snooze. Usually there are a few “things” that I find interesting in this feature, but the best we get from Bethenny is that she doesn’t own a scale. And that she loves a good road trips.
The List(not Schindler’s) features 25 Stars Who Were Wed Less Than A Year! Fun!
My favorite feature this week (and I admit it’s slim pickings) is Kids’ Posh Purses—We have Zahara Jolie-Pitt with her $1,295 Valentino bag and Suri Cruise with the same priced Dolce & Gabbana purse. Let me say this right now: That’s fucked up. I don’t care how much money you have, that is some fucked up shit.
Guess what the Stars – They’re Just Like US are doing this week? Jake Gyllenhaal jogs in the street! Paris Hilton goes to Petco to buy pet food! And my favorite is that Anne Hathaway and some guy TRAVEL IN PAIRS! That’s right, there’s even a picture of the two of them, together, at the airport. It’s like a modern day Noah’s Ark, let me tell you.
Holy shit, did you know that Mark Wahlberg has four children? Where have I been? (Obviously not at his baby showers)
Sad news! Melissa Gilbert split with Bruce Boxlietner. OMG, did you know that they have four sons? Why do I know so little about Hollywood progeny?
Natalie Portman and her baby papa went on a post Oscars getaway and she let one of the busboys feel her uterus! Well, US Weekly says that she let one of the busboys feel the baby kick, but where is the baby, I ask you? (Wait, do you think this is why stars don’t invite me to baby showers?!)
Also Kelcey Grammer is going to be a grandpa. And his new wife is two years older than his daughter. Love! What are you going to do?
The Twilight kids Robert Pattison and Kristen Steward have been staying in a two bedroom hotel suite! The actress is super private, but the actor likes to take cabs to restaurants. CABS TO RESTAURANTS?! Be careful, Robert, that’s going to land you on the Stars! They’re Just Like US!
Diane Lane is going to play Clark Kent’s mom in the new Superman film. Shouldn’t actresses playing moms be more Faye Dunaway’s age and less my age?
And some of Justin Bieber’s hair sold for over $40,000 on Ebay (proceeds donated to charity!) I bet Tom and Katie bought it for Suri.
What caught your eye?
Any important celebratal developments?
One year ago ...
- Good Breast Day - 2014