Kats! (Part 2)

by Marinka on January 22, 2009

UPDATE: Wendi was kind enough to email me this offer. What do you guys think?

Want to know where part one is? Yeah, I want to know why you didn’t read it when I first posted it, so I guess we’re even.
Anyway.
This week my mama and the kids go to Petco to “look” at cats. Immediately both kids fall in love with a kitten named “Sundance” who they agree to rename Jake, even though she’s a girl, so now we have a potential feline transgender situation.

So they have to come back at a certain time to adopt a cat because apparently “on the spot” adoptions are too easy and when they do, they find out that if you want a kitten, you have to take two. Both kids start crying hysterically and mama calls me to see if we can take two or if we can do anything else to shut the kids up. And I say “sure, we can just drown the second one!” I mean, what’s the problem? But mama doubts that the kids will Andrea Yates the extra kitten. I’m so sick of this child coddling, I can’t tell you.

By the way, before they went to adopt the cat, I had the following phone conversation with Husbandrinka:

Me: They found a cat they want, they’re going to go get it.
Him: TODAY? We are not in a position to take a cat today! We’re not ready to care for a cat!
Me: What care? You just give it a litter box and some food. Remember, you agreed to our getting a cat. At first, when I wanted it, you said no, not even when I asked for it for my birthday and our anniversary. But then our daughter made a good pitch and you folded.
Him: Yes, I do remember that. And that was an excellent summary.
However, we don’t have a litter box!
Me: We will buy one!
Him: What about a cage?
Me: Cats don’t need cages.
Him: WHERE WILL WE KEEP IT?
Me: The cat can go wherever she wants.
Him: Is she spayed?
Me: I think she’s pregnant, but I’m sure that the kittens won’t be cute, so the kids will give them up.
Him: That’s not true.
Me: They’re going to get the cat.  

key: things in italics never happened. I took poetic license to catch up readers on post number one. Which is more than those “readers” have ever done for me. Also, I’m thinking of starting a movement to make sure that whenever poetic license is taken, it has to be in iambic pantameter. (note to self: look up what “iambic pantameter means).

So I tell mama to hang on, I’m on my way to Petco, which for some reason I start calling Costco. I get there and my kids have tear-stained faces and mama looks like she has an Excederin Number 3 headache and points me towards the Woman In Charge and gives me an application that my daughter has filled out.

I look over the application and under “list your pets” my daughter listed our dog, and my parents’ dog and under “where are they now?” she wrote “dead” and my heart melts and I don’t care if I have to take out half the store, I am leaving with the fucking kitten that she wants. I am fully confident in my negotiating skillz and I totally read this woman well and know what to say.

Turns out that she knows what to say too, and tells me that in their experience, people who adopt kittens often become disappointed when the kitten grows up and turns into a cat and they get rid of the cat. So Petco decided that their new policy is that kittens should be adopted in pairs, because, get this–people are less likely to return two cats than one.
It was really difficult for me to keep a straight face during this speech because first of all, who are these mental midgets who are disappointed that the kitten grows up to be a cat? Were they expecting a kangaroo instead? And second of all, in what universe is it more difficult to return two cats than one?

But I made sympathetic nodding gestures and reassured her that I am not like those people, and that there is absolutely no way that I would ever get rid of a cat, unless, of course, and this is highly unlikely, I happened to redecorate and the cat no longer went with the new color scheme. But I repeat, this is highly unlikely, because, first, the economy is in the litter box (ha ha! this shows that I am down with the cat lingo!) and second, I am very lazy and I’d rather take a catnap than do anything. So, the cat is not in danger.

Ok, if you’re not going to have a sense of humor, I don’t even understand why you’re working at Petco cat adoptions. It’s not like I’m some sick fuck who wanted to make mittens for homeless people out of dead cats. Whatever.

But then I get a break!
She concludes by saying, “but I see that your kids were interested in Sundance and that’s a very special cat.”  I’m thinking “special” along the lines of cuddly and friendly.  But apparently, what she meant by “special” is that the cat “had distemper, which is not dangerous to  humans and it’s a neurological brain disorder, so it may be harder to place, because it’s a little unusual, so it’s up to the rescue worker who found her, I’ll ask, oh, that’s her on the phone now, wait right here.”

So she goes to talk on the phone and plead our case and I turn to my kids and say, “This cat is going to die and possibly infect us all, we have to leave right now.”  They look kind of sad, but also like they want to live. Their mama didn’t raise no fools, you know.
“What do you mean?” my daughter asks.  “It’s so cute.”
“It’s cute, but it has brain damage,” I tell her. “You’ll find that a lot in life.”
“But what will happen to it?” my son asks.  I panic. I want to get the fuck out of there before the lady returns with the “good news” that we can adopt this freak show and my kids renew their waterworks.  So I lied.
“The kitten is going to be adopted by a veterinarian who specializes in this kind of illness,” I tell them. And then for no good reason, I add, “She’s going to be on TV.”  In my defense, I am unclear as to whether the vet or the kitten will be on TV and they don’t ask, so I plan on finessing that lie a little later on, after I retain counsel.
They seem reassured.
“Can we get ice cream?” they ask.
“Only if you hurry!” I sing.
And we’re almost out of there, when the adoption lady comes back.
“Bad news,” she says. “The rescue owner says that Sundance needs constant company and that she screams all night, so she can’t let you have her.”
I make a sad face.  It’s certainly good news for Kate Winslet that my sad face performance wasn’t eligible for a Golden Globe this year, because that sucker would have been mine.
“Well,” I sigh. “At least we know that the cat will be well cared for.”
“By the vet!” my son says. 
“On TV!” my daughter says.
UPDATE:  We are still cat-free, but our journey doesn’t end here.  This weekend, we are getting a litter box, so that Husbandrinka can get used to it. Then we will get a bowl of water.  And if that adjustment goes well, next weekend, we will go get a cat from a city shelter.  I’d prefer one that can do simple domestic tasks, like a service monkey. 

One year ago ...

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{ 83 comments… read them below or add one }

Leigh (Modern Mommy) January 22, 2009 at 10:45 pm

Seriously? They have a 2 cat minimum? I didn’t know you could buy cats in bulk…

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bex January 22, 2009 at 10:51 pm

That you used Andrea Yates as a verb is the reason I read this blog. I commend you.

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jen January 22, 2009 at 10:55 pm

say the word and i will hand deliver a cat to you when my husband goes to work there next week. does sunday work for you? will white fluffy with tabby colored spot work well with the decor?
he likes to chew wood. just a heads up.
that’s the cat … not my husband … no need to be worried about the front door.

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Braja January 22, 2009 at 11:02 pm

This post was too long and I had to skip most of it. I did like the inclusion of iambic pentameters and brain damage though.

Just kidding. About the skipping.

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Frau January 22, 2009 at 11:14 pm

You are too funny! I love your post. Good Luck with getting the cat. Have a great weekend!

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blognut January 22, 2009 at 11:29 pm

Get one of those cat forts for husbandrinka to get used to as well. And maybe some cat toys that he can step on in the middle of the night. Something with a bell so it scares the shit out of him too. This cat thing is going to be so much fun!

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heartatpreschool January 22, 2009 at 11:37 pm

I was reading this update while watching a Tivo’d Oprah episode about Obama – because I’m into multitasking like that, so I’ve been alternating between tearing up and cracking up. But I stuck with it. I had to find out what happened with the cat/s. It made me cry. No wait, that was Oprah. You made me laugh.

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Threeboys1mommy January 22, 2009 at 11:40 pm

Hey! What happened to the EZ to Read Format?

What is up with Husbandrinka and his fear of committing to a stupid cat!?! He’s such a… what’s the word I’m looking for?…

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p.huong January 22, 2009 at 11:43 pm

“I am fully confident in my negotiating skillz..” Nice. I read that and imagined you with baggy sweats and a bandanna ready to get your way or else you were going to bust a cap in Petco’s ass.

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Kirsten January 22, 2009 at 11:49 pm

Oh my freaking gosh. That was the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long time. So damn funny.

I love you.

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cw2smom January 22, 2009 at 11:50 pm

Your cat is in the mail. Seriously. Oh..damn it, you forgot to send me your address. I told you I had four! None of them have brain damage. Geez. What’s the problem. I won’t even make you take two…although two are available if you like!! LOL!
I will never adopt a kitten from Petco! A two kitten minimum? What kind of stupid ass policy is that? Try your local humane society as they’re a little more…humane. And..they foster cats/kittens with people who love them and will be able to tell you all about the personalities, etc. Petco is dumb!! True story. I bought two frogs there for my daughter and I swear I had to sign my life away before I could get outta the store with them. If they only knew that cat ate on of them that got out! I think they’d have sued me or something! LOL! Lisa

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Jen January 23, 2009 at 12:06 am

I hope Sundance gets his/her shot at fame. Maybe he/she can star w/ Kate Winslet in her next movie.

Only you could make a story about a poor cat with distemper so hilarious. I’ve got tears streaming down my face.

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TMCPhoto January 23, 2009 at 12:23 am

OK let me just say that I rarely insist upon my husband listening to me read out loud other peoples blog posts. BUt I did it tonight and I’m not sorry, now that I know what distemper is we can narrow our kitty search to only cats without neurological brain disorders

You hit the sweet spot with part two I think I’ll be OK until the withdrawal kicks in once more.

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SweetPeaSurry January 23, 2009 at 12:43 am

Hey … what a freaking hilarious post.

Personally, I think I’ll get a bunny, or a hamster, for now.

Have a good one!

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bernthis January 23, 2009 at 12:59 am

You’ve inspired me with this post. You shall find out why on Monday. I know, you’re dying, it’s killing you…consider it a good, valid excuse to drink.

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MoziEsmé January 23, 2009 at 1:02 am

Oh please let us know where to get service cats. All ours does is shed and claw up the bedroom door. I guess he does keep us warm when he feels like it…

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jon January 23, 2009 at 1:19 am

I didn’t think I was going to be able to read the whole thing after reading “sure, we can just drown the second one!” because I was bowled over with laughter.

this is one of my favorites, it is filled with such gems as

“that was an excellent summary”

“It’s cute, but it has brain damage,” I tell her. “You’ll find that a lot in life.”

“And then for no good reason, I add, “She’s going to be on TV.”

and

“Only if you hurry!” I sing.

Although I am a little sad that I was deprived of the next morning blog about a cat that screams all night.

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Belle January 23, 2009 at 1:48 am

Our kitten DID grow into a Kangaroo. Or at least it shits like one. And not always in the litterbox!
Who do you think is going to clean up the katgaroo turd?
Forget those tear-stained faces….
You did the right thing!

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Kylie w Warszawie January 23, 2009 at 1:52 am

Yeah, you don’t really want a cat.

Trust me.

Of course, it could be that I am tired of cleaning up after 5 humans and have no desire to clean up after another being…and have to listen to husband get angry EVERY SINGLE NIGHT because new damned cat refuses to use her litterbox and the vet would not spay her because you “have to wait until they are adults” because sometimes Polish people are stupid.

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anymommy January 23, 2009 at 2:24 am

Cute, but brain damaged. My favorite sentence in a long, long time.

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Beth January 23, 2009 at 3:59 am

Cute but brain damaged may explain a lot of situations at my school. And I’m not talking about the students.

Also, it’s good to know the art of lying to kids has not died. Kudos!

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Scary Mommy January 23, 2009 at 4:04 am

I don’t think I’ll be able to see a cat on TV without thinking of you. Hilarious!!!!

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Ameda breast pumps January 23, 2009 at 5:03 am

Wow! this part is even more interesting, I loved it more than the part one, you are real genius! great going girl!

Cheers!
Amanda

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lisa January 23, 2009 at 5:04 am

If you ever wanted to make a pair of cat skin mittens, I’m sure Ed Gein can whip you up a pair….

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mo.stoneskin January 23, 2009 at 5:23 am

Those lies will come back and bite you on the bum, you do know that, right? So when you figure out how to get Sundance – or should I say Jake? – onto TV let me know the channel 😉

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Sherendipity January 23, 2009 at 5:56 am

A two cat minimum is asinine. Thank gawd for spell check, I had no idea how to spell asinine.
Dude, you lucked out. I adopted a kitteh that (unknown to me)had distemper. She was SO clingy and dependent and loving. She ended up dying after three days.
It was heart breaking.

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OHmommy January 23, 2009 at 6:10 am

“… I happened to redecorate and the cat no longer went with the new color scheme”

on. the. floor. laughing so hard my kids are wondering what’s wrong with their mommy.

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Cindy January 23, 2009 at 6:26 am

a 2-furr…sounds suspicious to me!
I really can’t stop laughing Marinka, you’re awesome.

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Melissa January 23, 2009 at 6:35 am

I have to agree that “cute but brain damaged” is one of the best lines ever. Thanks for the giggles this morning. I really need them. 🙂

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Kristine January 23, 2009 at 6:41 am

“It’s cute, but it has brain damage,” I tell her. “You’ll find that a lot in life.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

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All Things BD January 23, 2009 at 6:55 am

Delurking to say what is UP with the cat adoption people at Petco? My brother went in to get a cat, and he had to fill out a form detailing his “home life” and how much time he’d spend with the cat. He was turned down by Petco, and the cat was given to a married couple, because apparently cats do better when they can ignore two people instead of just one.

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WA January 23, 2009 at 7:03 am

You must not have heard that PETA now wants fish to be renamed “Sea Kitties” or you’d already have a 10 gallon tank set up.

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Sophie, Inzaburbs January 23, 2009 at 7:08 am

Do you think you will want to be cleaning up that litter box after Husbandrinka has used it?

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Ann's Rants January 23, 2009 at 7:21 am

Marinka,

Congratulations, I want you to star in “Blogging In The Park” You will read all your blog posts in a cod piece in Central Park in Iambic Pentameter.

You are hysterically funny.

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Carolyn...Online January 23, 2009 at 7:31 am

I just loved every bit of that. Cat drowning and all.

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Domestic Goddess (In Training) January 23, 2009 at 7:46 am

Wow… would that cat have taken the short bus home with you?

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*Akilah Sakai* January 23, 2009 at 7:48 am

That’d be my kids. “Can we get ice cream?” as if it compares to having a pet. LMAO!

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Comedy Goddess January 23, 2009 at 7:51 am

Well done! Brilliant as always. xo

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Smores for Breakfast January 23, 2009 at 8:13 am

2 cat min? What’s that about? You are seriously hilarious. As for calling petco costco, I do the same thing all the time- I call every pharmacy duane reade whether it’s walgreens or any store.

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K January 23, 2009 at 8:46 am

Distemper?

I think I might know what’s wrong with my male cat now. He “sings” all damn night long.

Good luck with the kitten hunting.

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KiKi January 23, 2009 at 9:52 am

Snuck over here from Anna’s blog…oh. my. god. I am crying laughing — love your writing!

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Magpie January 23, 2009 at 9:55 am

Hmm. I can just see the Petco flacks reading this post, and then clicking over to The Bloggess, and dropping dead on the spot.

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Magpie January 23, 2009 at 9:56 am

PS – you have google ads for CAT things. Teh awesome.

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omnidudemeandthebean January 23, 2009 at 10:17 am

When I went to get a cat I was informed of the two cat policy. I ended up taking home two wonderful cats. They are now in charge of my husband, the dog, and my son. They don’t go with the furniture at all. However, they are able to shed onto things and therefore make them color coordinated with their fur. Decor is not going to be a problem.

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Deb January 23, 2009 at 10:20 am

Adopt 2 and send one to Andrea Yates.

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peajaye January 23, 2009 at 10:20 am

sure, everyone's laughing & applauding now. but just WAIT 'til the PETA folk find their way here.

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Kirsten January 23, 2009 at 10:40 am

I just reread this and I can’t stop laughing. So funny it deserves two comments This is one my favorite postrinka’s.

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Issas Crazy World January 23, 2009 at 11:12 am

I have read this twice now, because I seriously needed to laugh my ass off. It’s rather large, my ass, so I might read it again for good measure.

I can’t believe they make you get two cats, that’s beyond ridiculous. This is why I buy my animals. No rules, just money. If you want a free, no hassle kitten, just ask around at your kids school. I bet there is somebody who has kittens and they want to give them all away.

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Anna See January 23, 2009 at 12:20 pm

you came out of this smelling like a rose. good job!

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MommyTime January 23, 2009 at 12:22 pm

And the whole “can only buy two cats, not one cat” thing is precisely why you, in your infinite prescience, were calling the place Costco instead of Petco.

Also, my very favorite part of this whole debacle is that when you lie, you cannot stand to do it small, so the cat must be going to a vet who will be on TV! Hilarious!

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Jen January 23, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Now that is what I call a cat adventure! Go to ASPCA, they have great cats there.

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Heinous January 23, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Pairs of cats? That just dumb. You should have told them that you weren’t really going to make mittens out of them.

You’re better off at the shelter. They have a sense of humor there.

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Sonya January 23, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Note to self: Do NOT read Marinka’s posts when children are in the vicinity. “Mom, why are you laughing at your computer? Mom, are you OK? Mom! You just snorted!”

This line is priceless!

“It’s cute, but it has brain damage,” I tell her. “You’ll find that a lot in life.”

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Coffee with Cathy January 23, 2009 at 2:56 pm

Because “cute but brain-damaged” does not describe cats at all, does it???!!!

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HoodChick January 23, 2009 at 4:46 pm

I really did laugh.
Now, why the 3rd degree when adopting (if anyone really wants to know,) is because there are sick people out there that take kittens for lab testing or dog fighting bait. Downer, I know.

Besides the litter box, and for extra fun, get the little gray furry mice that, at a glance, could pass for the real thing. Great for scaring the crap out of people on bleary eyed trips to the bathroom. Actually, you don’t even need a cat to pull this one off.

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Jeanne January 23, 2009 at 5:17 pm

A 2 cat minimum? Was Petco acquired by the Comedy Club?

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Maura January 23, 2009 at 6:21 pm

Did Petco at least offer two for the price of one? It’s a good thing that the place I adopted my cat didn’t have that policy, because my cat’s sister was just as adorable and I really did want to take her home, too.

You know, the comments you get here are *almost* as hysterical as the posts. I think that makes us the Commentrinkas. And, being that it’s my idea, I hereby claim the spot of Commentrinka 1!

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Momo Fali January 23, 2009 at 7:01 pm

ALL cats have neurological problems. Have you ever seen this? I have nightmares about it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muLIPWjks_M&feature=related

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Tooj January 23, 2009 at 7:02 pm

What? What the heck happened to Sundance? All cats act like they have a neurological disease, what does it matter if they give that disease a flipping name? Poor Sundance. 🙁

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Temple January 23, 2009 at 7:18 pm

LMFAO! Poor Sundance…and for that matter any other homeless critters trying to be adopted under that stupid fucking policy…really?

And the description…cute but mentally imbalanced…hmmm, I’m beginning to wonder how many of my ex’s had distemper…

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musing January 23, 2009 at 7:49 pm

I predict it won’t take long for Husbandrinka and kitty to be just like this.

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Rachel January 23, 2009 at 8:02 pm

oh mah hell.

I would have done the exact same thing you did, except I *might* possibly have bumrushed the door with kids in tow by their collars.

maybe.

Thanks for the Friday giggle.

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ella January 23, 2009 at 8:36 pm

I’ve been lying to my kids from the get-go. Other moms react in *HORROR*, but really? how else can you get anything done?

This was a most excellent post as all these comments attest to. I would like to say that Belle’s comment had me laughing just as hard as your post.

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Brandy Rose January 23, 2009 at 8:51 pm

Seriously? A cage? Haha, poor kitty.

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Robin January 23, 2009 at 11:28 pm

“it’s cute, but it has brain damage. You’ll find that a lot in life.”

truer words were never spoken.

very funny. as always.

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ingrid January 24, 2009 at 3:05 am

awesomely funny. i lived with a cat who had brain damage for a while. it was not fun. leg attacks in the middle of the night and snorting by my head in the morning.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake January 24, 2009 at 6:45 am

Well, I DID read part one AND left a comment, so I think I deserve a prize from you. Maybe some mittens?

I want to get rid of my two grown cats because, just like you said, they don’t go with my new decor. And by that, I mean that the cat shit on my bathroom rug doesn’t go with my bathroom color.

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Marites January 24, 2009 at 8:23 am

funny story!! and gee, thought it’s only in the malls that they have this buy one, take one thing:)

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Kat January 24, 2009 at 8:41 am

Kittens are over rated. Older cats is where it’s at. My cat was a complete pain in the backside until he got older.

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Madge January 24, 2009 at 11:11 am

our new cat just walked up to the front door and said, “i live here now. feed me.”

we were all enamored — except for my husband, oh wait, that his opinion didn’t count.

we were all enamored.

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Merrie. January 24, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I just found your blog and I am loving it! I am reading all the old posts and howling!!! thanks; I needed a fun place to hang out~
Merrie

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Leslie January 24, 2009 at 4:17 pm

If your service monkey-like cat has siblings, give me a holler. 🙂

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Kia (Good Enough Mama) January 24, 2009 at 7:13 pm

sorry, but i’m with the drinka on this one. i don’t want a cat either. or a litter box. or a dish of water.

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iMommy January 24, 2009 at 7:45 pm

Umm, this wasn;t ez to read at all! I call a do over.

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Jill January 25, 2009 at 10:24 am

Once someone takes a crap in that litter box, be it child or kitten, the smell will permeate your house and your husband will forever ban you from getting a cat.

Maybe you should consider finding a cat who’s potty trained. Or who craps outside like a dog.

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Mandi January 25, 2009 at 11:05 am

ROFLMAO! We adopted IRVING – the kitty with the cold – two days ago. Resident kitty Mittens is not amused so Irving and I have spent alot of time bonding, sneezing, and purring (we both do it well). I needed a good laugh, thanks for that~!

Solution to my Husbandrinka problem: he is out of town for the weekend. The last time he was gone we adopted a border collie who would run out the back door with the remote in her mouth, or lick his face in the middle of the night. I’m hoping Irving will do at least that much! He’ll learn…take me with him or we’ll end up with amenagerie!

Cheers! (she says, with tears of hysteria rolling down her face) 😀

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Elaine A. January 25, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Two cats for the PRICE of one?? That’s the ONLY way I’d do it. But then we are not “cat people.” Husband is terribly allergic. I do think kittens are cute though… ; )

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proseandconverse January 25, 2009 at 4:08 pm

The two kitten policy seems fishy… no wonder you got confused with Costco.

And I’ll admit, I didn’t read part 1. But that’s only because I followed a link here for the first time today. And now I’m in love and will be reading/stalking regularly. 🙂

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some backreading to do.

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ShallowGal January 25, 2009 at 5:45 pm

I think you need a rule that all comments should be in iambic pentameter:

Marinka wants a retarded cat
Or a hairy naked mole rat.

She promises to love it forever
Quite the ambitious endeavor

Husbindrinka is not ready for a change of life
But that’s what you do for a trophy wife.

xoxo, SG

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the mama bird diaries January 25, 2009 at 7:00 pm

I only hope that you will follow up this cat acquisition with other animals.

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Anonymous January 27, 2009 at 1:14 pm

You could be the funniest person I’ve ever had the pleasure to read. Thank you.

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Stella B January 28, 2009 at 6:35 pm

haha! this sounds a lot like how I got Mr Blue to “agree” to having a baby. Good luck with adopting the kit-drinka!

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Z January 30, 2009 at 7:38 am

bwahaha! such an almost-ending to the story! (though i am sure there will be a chapter 3… maybe 4, 5, 6? as you traipse throughout the city looking for your wondercat)

as for the distemeper – did i ever tell you that the vet thinks our puppy may have had it before we adopted him? it’s a good thing he’s so cute, because he sure is a crazy little bugger!

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