Love in the Time of Cholesterol

by Marinka on March 6, 2010

Two weeks ago I got my blood test results. My doctor left me voice mail and said that it was basically fine, my bad cholesterol was high, but my good cholesterol was also high, so everything was okay, but then I ran the results by Papa (and I’ll reveal one of my blog secrets and admit that Papa is a real doctor) and he said, “well the good news, is that you can no longer die young.”
“What do you mean?” I shrieked.
“It means your cholesterol is shit and you need to take pills.”
So at that very moment I decided that I don’t want to take pills, I want to lower my cholesterol naturally.

This is very unlike me, so obviously I’d suffered some kind of a nervous breakdown.

But I’ve been at it. I’ve been so milking it with Husbandrinka. “I’m afraid that my cholesterol is acting up,” I tell him. “I’m going to have to lay down.”
“Shouldn’t you be more active to fight high cholesterol?” He asks, feigning concern for my well-being.
“It’s a fine line,” I make up. “When my cholesterol peaks, I have to rest, but when it ebbs, I can move around.”
“That sounds like total bullshit,” he tells me.
“I’m too weak to argue with you,” I sigh deeply and then cough a little. Look, I have no media references about how people with high cholesterol are supposed to act out their symptoms, so I’m borrowing a few tricks form the tubercular.

But I’ve made dietary modifications. I’ve been eating things like tofu and lentils and cardboard not eating things like cheese and meat. I’m practically a vegetarian. The weight is melting off me, and when you see me at The Mouthy Housewives’ Happy Hour at BlogHer in August, you will probably become an instant lesbian. You really should prepare your family.

The other lifestyle change I’ve made is that I am now taking yoga. I like it because it’s very relaxing and stretchy, but I’m worried that I haven’t found a yoga palace that’s a good fit for me. The place that I’ve been going to is very chanty and I’m worried that we’re chanting “WHITE POWER!” “DR. PHIL IS WISE!” “JODI PICAULT IS A FINE WRITER!” and I have no idea because it’s in a foreign language. And I’m also worried that it’s a cult because we have to keep bowing down to a picture of some bearded guy, who is absolutely not Jesus. Which is fucked up.

So tomorrow I’m trying a new place. I’m a little worried about it, though, because I went on their site and they had this recipe:

Featured Recipe

Try our sprout bowl at home!

Place a layer of mixed bean sprouts on the inside of a bowl Sprinkle a layer of grated carrots on top Place a handful of pea shoot sprouts upright & rooted in the middle of the mixed bean sprouts & carrots Surround the pea shoot sprouts with sunflower sprouts and 3-4 cherry tomatoes Sprinkle with sunflower seeds

Wowee! I’m excited! These people know how to eat!

One year ago ...

0saves
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Jennifer S March 6, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Something tells me that anyone who eats that many sprouts ends up looking like a Chia pet. A skinny Chia pet, maybe, but still risky.

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
March 6, 2010 at 5:47 pm

You are obviously going to Jivamukti Yoga. I always arrived late to skip that dumb chanting. Jivamukti is a good work-out. Om in Union square and The Shala on Broadway (just below union square) are good too. I ended going to Equinox for my yoga. Don’t go to Integral Yoga unless you need a nap. Then it’s very good. Bikram Yoga is only good if you like to be really hot and sweaty and cranky.

Reply

K-Line March 6, 2010 at 5:49 pm

I can’t recommend the school of Iyengar Yoga enough – it’s the method in which I’m trained and it focuses on alignment and stability before everything. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a challenge. But it doesn’t presuppose you have equal measures of strength, flexibility and balance plus cardiovascular fitness the way certain other methods do. It’s very safe and it’s excellent for detail-oriented type As. Not that I’m making any suppositions.

Reply

OHmommy
Twitter:
March 6, 2010 at 6:09 pm

I swear on the bearded guy you bow to, that is what we had for dinner tonight. Check my twitter. Sprouts, shredded carrots, sunflower seeds, (lettuce and chicken). Yummo.

Sigh. I belong on a big city, apparently. Good luck with your yoga.

Reply

traci March 6, 2010 at 6:36 pm

You can totally still be cool eat like a ‘fucking hippy’ (as my uncle says) and do yoga. Um, hello? Just reference me. Plus a little vodka doesn’t hurt to blur the lines of judgement.

Reply

Swistle March 6, 2010 at 8:31 pm

I don’t see how coughing and turning people into lesbians can be BAD for cholesterol.

Reply

sdl March 6, 2010 at 10:18 pm

That is not a recipe. That is compost, after things you’ve thrown away start to grow in it. I’m tempted to reject your new yoga place outright, except that it might provide good blogging material, so by all means, GO!

Reply

anna see March 6, 2010 at 11:24 pm

ick to the sprout bowl. yay to the yoga.

Reply

MFA Mama
Twitter:
March 7, 2010 at 12:25 am

Ohgawd. Same thing happened to me after I had my oldest, and I went vegan for six months. Brought it right on down and lost thirty pounds but LAWD…also this is me throwing the BlogHer10 gang sign.

Yeah, we need to work on that.

Reply

Denise March 7, 2010 at 12:52 am

Hey I was going to recommend that studio to you. Uma Thurman’s brother is a yoga teacher at that school and I’ve been there! Can’t wait to hear how it goes.

Reply

Lisa
Twitter:
March 7, 2010 at 2:27 am

I just spit out my drink, by laughing out loud, literally, at my newfound instant lesbianism.

Reply

Sophie March 7, 2010 at 5:52 am

Totally go to smacksy.com, NOW!

Reply

Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
March 7, 2010 at 7:39 am

I think I’ve seen a variation of that recipe before, but I could have sworn that a Chia Pet was involved…

Reply

Ann's Rants March 7, 2010 at 10:30 am

Raw Food Marinka. Motherhood in Mayapur….(obviously you are positioning yourself for a spinoff)

Reply

Catherine
Twitter:
March 7, 2010 at 2:51 pm

I need you to tell my husand I’m a chia-pet-lesbian now. Let me know when you’re done. I’ll be waiting at the nearest wine bar.

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
March 7, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Me reading this was basically like Snoopy listening to Charlie Brown, where all he hears is “wah wah wah wah wah wah wah Snoopy wah wah wah wah wah wah.” I was listening, till I got to the part about the weight melting right off, and then suddenly that phrase was all I could hear. Since I’m on my very own quest to melt down those inches, I’m wondering if you could share some secrets. For example: how MUCH cardboard am I supposed to eat, and at what intervals? Detailed directions for this meltarific diet would be most appreciated. Thanks.

Reply

selphie March 7, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Ha – “Jodi Picoult is a fine writer”

She has a new book out, you know.

Reply

blognut
Twitter:
March 7, 2010 at 3:40 pm

OMG! Are you really gonna eat that bowl of grass?

Reply

MarathonMom March 7, 2010 at 5:27 pm

Man you are like totally getting your life and shit together. I think I am going to go to Lowes and buy a budha.

Reply

joeinvegas March 7, 2010 at 8:57 pm

That sounds pretty good, as long as the recipe continues with a layer of foi gras or a nice petite filet

Reply

Mary @ Holy Mackerel
Twitter:
March 8, 2010 at 2:22 pm

That there sounds like one scary recipe. Like, maybe a recipe for a pretend hairy pet. I’d watch them if I were you.

Reply

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake March 8, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Oh my god, that sprout bowl recipe made me #1 pass out from shock and #2 hump my Cooks Illustrated cookbooks, I love them.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: