by Marinka on September 7, 2013

The other day my husband and I had the type of conversation that makes people like me wonder why heterosexual marriage is legal in the first place. Or why people were given speech.

“You know,” he started, “we’re going to have to talk about our budget.”

“Are you concerned that I’m not spending enough money?” I asked. It turns out that he was not concerned about that at all.

“We’re spending too much,” he said and then he made some vague reference-analogy-thingy to my credit cards and something about some small country’s national gross national product, but I’m not very numbers-oriented (oh, sorry– I’m not very numbers-Asianed) and couldn’t really follow what the hell he was blathering about. His bottom line seemed to be that come the fall, we should spend less, which I immediately agreed with. Partly so that he’d stop talking, sure, but partly because I understood that he was giving me a few weeks’ notice so that I could go ahead and buy whatever I needed to during that time. And I don’t necessarily think I’m great at giving marital advice or anything, but I’ve found that advance notice for emergency shopping is an excellent way to keep homicide rates to a minimum in a marriage. IMHO,of course.

I thought long and hard about what I needed and realized that my life has been pure shit and misery because I have to charge my iPhone via electricity, like some kind of cavewoman. Other people have one of those case/chargers, and I’m sorry, why didn’t I have one exactly?

The next morning I zoomed to the Apple store, and got a Mophie of my own. They just handed in over to me in exchange for some cash which is why I love America. And as much as I love Apple, the people who work there sort of get on my nerves.

“I’d like to pay for this, please,” I told the cashier because I know that stealing is wrong.

“If you download our checkout app, you can check yourself out,” she said. Which was confusing. Because I already checked myself out in the full length and width mirror and although I did wink and everything at myself, I don’t feel the need to re-check myself out.

“Can’t I just give you my credit card?” I offered and she finally agreed.

I came home and immediately plugged in my Mophie and charged the shit out of my phone.

“How come you get one and I don’t?” My 12 year old asked. My 12 year old who has the newer version of the iPhone than I do. Obviously he’s well prepared for the looming spending freeze.

“Because instead of wasting my time in school, I go to work and earn money,” I turned it into a teaching moment. See? Practical and educational! Wow, at this rate the Mophie was going to pay for itself!

The next day at my son’s baseball tournament, as my iPhone battery started to drain from my “I’m at my son’s baseball tournament!” “They are playing baseball at the baseball tournament, pls RT!” Twitter updates, I clicked the Mophie into the “on” position and sat back.

“I’m sitting back and relaxing because my iPhone is charging!” I told a dad sitting next to me. “Even though there are no electrical outlets on this bench here.”

“Mophie?” he asked.

“Yep,” I nodded. “Want to take a look?”

“I have one too,” he held up his phone.

But unlike my black Mophie, his was white. And I’m not going to get into the whole is white better than black issue, but I didn’t know that the Mophie came in different colors.

“That’s because you don’t know anything,” my son explained later that evening. “It also comes in red.”

That was almost too much information. Everyone knows that red is my favorite color for iPhone accessories! My case was red! And red is reminiscent of my childhood in the Soviet Union. Sure, my family risked their lives to escape that hellhole, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have warm memories!

It was clear that I needed a second Mophie case, this one in red.

Thank goodness I discovered this before the spending freeze actually started! Whew! That was a close call!

Let me know if you want one in black. It’s for the iPhone 4/4S and I’m willing to sell it for only twice what I paid for it. Or half, because I’m not great with math. Email me your best offer.

One year ago ...

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Selfish Mom
September 7, 2013 at 11:38 am

If it weren’t for the fact that you actually like Apple products, I’d suspect that our husbands were married to the same woman.


September 7, 2013 at 1:05 pm

I, for one, admire your fortitude in the face of looming spending cutbacks. Also? Your presence of mind.


September 7, 2013 at 7:25 pm

Why didn’t the Apple person let you know about the variety of colors? Were you supposed to download the salesclerk spiel app too?!

You’re the funniest, just so you know!


Deb September 7, 2013 at 8:36 pm

I didn’t even know about the Mophie and I upgraded my iPhone two weeks ago. You’d think they might have mentioned this.

As it was, I had to ASK for the purple sparkly phone case over in the cuteness area, when they guided me to the cases that must be intended for someone much older than me.

Also, it would have been helpful if they had reminded me that they weren’t transferring or saving my pictures, and suggest I do that BEFORE they wiped the old one clean.

Or I’m just technically illiterate.


Helena September 7, 2013 at 10:40 pm

In this area, your relationship with your husband is very similar to mine with mine.


Darcy Perdu September 8, 2013 at 12:53 am

you’re hilarious! the line about numbers-oriented (numbers-Asianed) slayed me!


September 8, 2013 at 8:02 am

I will be willing to take it off your hands for what you paid for it, because I know you will probably need the cash during your impending spending freeze. However, it’s been my experience that when husbands say things like that, it’s easy to pretend you didn’t hear it/ didn’t understand/ didn’t care.


September 8, 2013 at 9:14 am

I’d like your Mophie and your iphone b/c I have a 3G. Because I live in diaspora-extreme.


Alexandra September 8, 2013 at 11:08 am

My husband’s “we have to talk about the budget” is also my alert to SPEND NOW! before the hammer comes down.

Gotta run, glad I got this in, the stores are calling… xo


Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
September 8, 2013 at 4:45 pm

The red one is TOTALLY justifiable. Besides the whole Russian thing, you live in the Big Apple…and apples are red. At least the best ones are.


the mama bird diaries
September 8, 2013 at 9:13 pm

They wanted you to download their app so you could check yourself out?! WTF?! I would have just stared at her until she took the credit card.


dusty earth mother September 8, 2013 at 9:43 pm

“Number-Asianed”. heh heh heh heh heh


Lady Jennie September 9, 2013 at 5:00 am

This was pure comic delight. 🙂


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes September 10, 2013 at 5:36 am

So gracious of your husband to give you a heads up about those nasty budget cuts.


Wellington Chic September 11, 2013 at 6:51 am

A Mophie! I didn’t even know that the existed. Super clever. Thanks


magpie September 11, 2013 at 1:50 pm

in my house, it goes the other way. i say “we have to talk about the budget” and my husband runs away. need i add that it makes me CRAZY?


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