There’s No Easy Way to Say This

by Marinka on March 24, 2010

There is no easy way to say this, but through no fault of my own, I seem to have joined a cult. Now, the good news is that it doesn’t seem to be one of those cults where you have to hide your young because I’m into ritual sacrifices or anything, although I’m still learning and if that changes, I’ll certainly give you the courtesy of a head’s up. Especially if you subscribe to my feed.

It started when I went to yoga. Because I wanted to be more flexible and relaxed. Flexible and relaxed! Why didn’t I see the brain washing coming?

Because I’m stupid, that’s why.

So, one day, we’re doing yoga, and I’m in pain, praying for a quick death, when suddenly the teacher says, “look around the room and see the pictures of holy beings. Their light is helping you with the positions.” Now, this is the same teacher that I’d misunderstood before, so I thought that maybe instead of light, she was saying might, or even kite, but whatever the diction absolutely nothing was helping me with the yoga and I was still feeling very ouchy. But the teacher is not satisfied with a general “their light/knight will help you” and she starts naming all these holy entities, like Jesus and Buddha and then someone else with her “elephant baby”. So I look up because although I’ve seen plenty of Jesus and Buddha, I’m less familiar with the Elephant Baby, and there it is. Elephant Baby. So of course for the rest of the class, I’m obsessed with the Elephant Baby and thinking how if I were an Elephant Person, a lot of these yoga poses would be a lot easier to do because the trunk would really extend me and maybe being an Elephant is less of a birth defect and more of a blessing, although I still don’t quite see the holiness in it.

And then the next class, they tell us the story of Krishna and his girlfriend Rama. Of course I almost pass out from boredom and the only thing that is keeping me awake is my biting the inside of my cheeks to keep myself from giggling. And the story is that in one of the yoga classrooms, there is a statute of Krishna, but it is covered up because he is so beautiful that when he is presented, all the attention must be on him. Sounds very Kardashian to me. And then, we have to chant. And I can’t bring myself to do it. So I sit there, looking straight ahead at the teacher, who has her eyes closed, like everyone else, and I try to figure out if I have the nerve to check my blackberry really quickly, but then I chicken out because what if the teacher sees and tells Krishna?

And then everyone opens their eyes and the teacher produces a small statute of Krishna and says that as we’re doing our ext routine, she is going to have the assistants bring him around so that we can all take a look and I sort of internally roll my eyes. So then we’re in this pose that I can only assume is called the Twelfth Circle of Hades and I am in such agony that I would do anything to make it stop, and I consider yelling out that I’d like to return to our previous discussion of Krishna, when the assistant brings the statute towards me and I see that Krishna is blue. And somehow that makes me feel better.

I have no idea why Krishna is blue, but when I tell John about it later, he says that he’s probably really cold.

Maybe.

Namaste.

One year ago ...

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

amy2boys
Twitter:
March 24, 2010 at 9:30 am

Oh good Lord. I’ve taken a lot of yoga and never been asked to gaze upon blue Krishna’s or see light from “holy beings.” I would have giggled for sure!

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vodkamom March 24, 2010 at 9:30 am

I would TRY some yoga, but I pulled a muscle while CLEANING yesterday, and can’t seem to put my foot behind my head anymore.

When I can do that, I’ll be RIGHT over.

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Neeraj March 24, 2010 at 9:38 am

Krishna’s Girlfriend is Radha by the way .. Krishna is the God who had mesmerized the entire .. village .. and all the village belles with his flute and .. looks …

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momtrolfreak
Twitter:
March 24, 2010 at 10:09 am

dude, i pulled out my back the other day because, preceded by a complete lack of physical activity for a month, I had door duty at my Buddhist temple (cult! cult!) and had to bow like a thousand times to people as they came in. I could barely walk the next day.
Little known fact: Krishna was a shoplifter. He’s blue because he tried to remove one of those anti-theft tags from a golden robe he really liked. Krishna, Winona Ryder, lots of similarities.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
March 24, 2010 at 10:14 am

Please stop going to that yoga place. It sounds insane.

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christy March 24, 2010 at 10:22 am

Hmmm I’m not going to pretend to understand all of that but I will question how in the hell you are able to conceal a blackberry on yourself while in class? Aren’t yoga pants and tops sort of fitted?! Or are you in your husbands old tee-shirt or something?!

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Elise March 24, 2010 at 10:23 am

Yoga is another four letter word for Pain.

And that’s why Krishna is blue. Blue from Pain. I mean Yoga.

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Keyona
Twitter:
March 24, 2010 at 11:14 am

I’m a little freaked out and as your friend I would ask you not to go back there. You may choose not to listen to me….but you have been warned. *shiver*

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reiven March 24, 2010 at 12:24 pm

I once asked why Krishna is blue and was told it’s because his skin is/was? really dark, so dark as to be considered black, so they depict him as blue, probably because it will show his beauty better. Hope that helps. As far as cults go, yoga is a good one, as long as you don’t drink the kool-aide. Ever.

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alexandra
Twitter:
March 24, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Oh, I’m torn…half of me wants you to STOP going to that crazy yoga lady now, buuuuuuuuuuuut the other half of me wants you to keep going cuz I gotta keep getting more of these stories.

I’ll let your inner voice lead you to where you need to be. (please let it result in more goodies on this page for us…)

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Roshni March 24, 2010 at 12:41 pm

bwahahahhahahahaha!! This is so funny! Your teacher definitely sounds kooky!! Btw, Krishna’s one of hundred girfriends’s name was Radha. Rama is another story!! And, yeah, he was so dark skinned that his skin depicted as blue.

But you know what, I like the explanations in the comments much better!!

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Roshni March 24, 2010 at 12:43 pm

oh, and the Elephant baby is Ganesha, another of our million Gods!! He’s a cutie though. He wouldn’t go for this yoga nonsense…he spends his time stuffing his face with sweets so I don’t know what he was doing in your class. Probably went to laugh at all of you!

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soccermom March 24, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Hmmmm, I dont know what to say. You lost me at “cult”.

Maybe you need a new yoga class? I thought yoga was supposed to be quite?

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake March 24, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Oh no, it’s well known that when the owners of such statues smoke too much pot around it, the bronze covering turns blue from the marijuana smoke. So your yoga instructor is a pot head.

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Sophie March 24, 2010 at 2:39 pm

1. Yoga is another work for “satan’s work”. Sorry, all you satanists out there. Also sorry all you devout yogis out there.
2. Krishna is blue ‘coz he didn’t get any for the past 13 whatchamacall them – life cycles. Sorry all you decent people everywhere.

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peajaye
Twitter:
March 24, 2010 at 3:29 pm

it seems you’re going to an awful lot of exercise classes lately. at the risk of sounding like hubandrinka (or a neanderthal), couldn’t you get the same benefit by just staying home and doing housework?

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kiki
Twitter:
March 24, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Padma Lakshmi, from that cooking show, named her baby, Krishna. i guess that baby has big shoes to fill…
i think you should watch yoga on cable tv and do the bends and twists in the comfort of your own home.

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tena March 24, 2010 at 4:46 pm

you’re so New Age. I didn’t understand any of that. I’ll stick with kickboxing.

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Monster Dude March 24, 2010 at 5:39 pm

4000 + years of monotheism down to drain

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anna see March 24, 2010 at 10:10 pm

i would have gouged out my palms trying not to laugh.

p.s. i have a buddha belly. does that count?

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LaMereJoie March 25, 2010 at 1:34 am

I think he’s blue because he forgot to breathe while being in downward facing dog. Are you at a Dahn yoga class? They really are a cult. Google told me so.

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Pamela Asher March 25, 2010 at 8:41 am

I have done a lot of yoga but never a class like yours… sounds insane, get out before they posses you! Also I agree with John on why Kishna is blue.

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Mary @ Holy Mackerel
Twitter:
March 29, 2010 at 9:01 pm

This does not bode well for you, Marinka. Stay away, stay away from the light.

Reply

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