by Marinka on February 23, 2010

Husbandrinka and I have been discussing the kids’ Spring Break. And for some reason he’s acting like he’s never met me before.  Because this is what I like to do on vacation: rest and relax.

But he he suggested that we drive with the children to North Carolina to visit his parents and stop along the way at culturally enriching locations, like Monticello.

And I’m like, oh, yawn.

I’ve been to Monticello. They give you a tour and then lead you to a gift shop where you can buy seeds.  Not Jefferson’s, you perverts, but seeds from the Monticello garden.  I don’t know what that’s all about, either.

“That is totally boring and there’s no point to it,” I tell Husbandrinka, after a few glasses of wine.

“Well that’s where you are exhibiting your ignorance,” Husbandrinka says. I swear, for the life of me I can’t figure out why  Hallmark hasn’t trademarked that phase.  Because if there’s something that screams LOVE! that’s it. Perhaps they’re battling Godiva for the rights to it or something.

And he launches into some snoozefest about how incredible it is to be at Monticello because it’s the birthplace of democracy, but at the same time as you’re standing there, you see the slave quarters, and Jefferson fathered children with the slaves and the paradox of it all and I ask him if he has any other ideas.

Fortunately, he does.

He suggests that we go whitewater rafting.  I start making some calls immediately because I assume that I’ll have to bring my own coffin.

But then Husbandrinka tops himself.

He wants us to go to the beach as Assateague Island, North Carolina, because they have wild horses running around there and it’s “incredible.”  If he wants a divorce, why doesn’t he just say so like a normal person instead of this whole song and vacation torture dance?

“Wild horses?” I say.  “On our vacation?”

“It’s supposed to  be very beautiful.”

“They’re probably rabid.” I’m only concerned about the children’s safety.

“They don’t come near you.”

“But they could.  Rabid animals are sometimes freakishly friendly.”  Suddenly I am Jane Goodall.  Although the animal hating kind, apparently.

Husbandrinka tells me how people come from all over the place to look at these rabid horses, but  I know that I cannot enjoy myself on vacation if I know that I’m about to be trampled to death.

I’m sure that I’m the weirdo in this one.

One year ago ...

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Elise February 23, 2010 at 8:46 pm

You are a die hard NYC’tidian. Get tickets for the Circle Line. That’s a cruise right?


joeinvegas February 23, 2010 at 8:49 pm

If he took the kids to any of those places you could stay home alone and relax. (and take some spinning classes)


JulieBouf February 23, 2010 at 8:55 pm

I’ve never been – but my extended family said it’s really cool. One of those, once you’ve seen it you’re set kind of things. I think you’re in the wrong frame of mind thinking that this is a vacation for you. Husbandrinka and the kids will be there after all.


February 23, 2010 at 8:58 pm

great post. i agree with you regarding Monticello but not the wild horses. i saw an episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 when they took the kids on a jeep ride down the beach in NC to see some horses. looked like tons of fun and the horses ran away from them, so i think you and your family would be safe. take care and enjoy your vacation.


MarathonMom February 23, 2010 at 9:38 pm

I don’t like horses. But I like shoes! Maybe take them on a tour of every Nordstrom in the US!


Kirsten February 24, 2010 at 12:29 am

I think Husbandrinka is trying to ruin your life. I say invite him to spin class with you.


Sophie, Inzaburbs February 24, 2010 at 1:34 am

All these places sound like a vacation, in comparison to the plans my Beloved tried to slip by me today. Apparently there is a fascinating Aircraft Graveyard 17 hours drive away, in rural Arizona. They do guided tours!

And then he suggested if we packed the three young children in the car at 3am, we could be halfway there by lunchtime.


Marinka February 24, 2010 at 8:04 am

I hope you’re happy. I mentioned this to Husbandrinka and he said that he’d read about it and it “does sound pretty interesting”. It’s so sad when they are SuddenlyInsane.


Braja February 24, 2010 at 7:07 am

Seriously, can’t you just start drugging his f&^%ing food or something??? For God’s sake, woman, douse him with something….


Carolyn Online
February 24, 2010 at 8:13 am

Beach + beverages = vacation. Anything else is just a long car ride with whiny kids.


Paula February 24, 2010 at 9:03 am

Funniest post ever! Hallmark battling Godiva! Bring your own coffin!

Thanks, I needed this today.


christy February 24, 2010 at 9:05 am

I’ve survived both white water rafting and assateaque. I’d choose the horses anyday – over boring Monticello!


Crys February 24, 2010 at 9:06 am

I’d LOVE to go to the beach for vacation! Only it’d have to be a kidless, husbandless vacation and I NEVER get those! BUT here’s an idea for ya…take LOTS of duct tape with you and after you’ve fed them (like Braja suggested), duct tape them and then go enjoy the beach by yourself! I’m SURE they have pool boys named Pablo or Juan there, right?


Jodi February 24, 2010 at 9:06 am

As a born and raised North Carolinian, it is my duty to inform you that Assateague is not part of this fine state. We do have wild ponies, but they generally kick up their heels around Corolla, NC ( There are also some on Radio Island, which is near Beaufort, NC (

If you need any more NC info, I am your gal. Because in addition to my status as native, I’m a librarian.

But can’t you just skip the whole educational aspect and go straight for the beach? Say, in the Bahamas?


barbara sigelbaum
February 24, 2010 at 9:58 am

While on holiday in Costa Rica with our 10 yr. old daughter, we decided to try white water rafting. Our raft was the only one to tip over. I fell out on one side, my daughter slid out the other. A young man rescued her. My husband rescued me BUT said first he tried to remember whose idea this was. If it was his, he wasn’t sure what he would do. (I floated under the raft>)
The rapids level was 3. We were told that was average.


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake February 24, 2010 at 10:04 am

Isn’t is convenient how Americans forget that many of the “founding fathers” of democracy were slave owners?

Any island with the word ‘Ass’ in it can’t be good.


Jane February 24, 2010 at 10:25 am

Ummmm not to rub it in or anything but I leave for Cancun on Friday with my 3 best friends!!!! Did I mention we’ll be gone 10 days….


February 24, 2010 at 11:56 am

Assateague is actually pretty cool. I remember we went there when I was like 10 or 11 and the only thing that traumatized me more than the fact that I couldn’t have ANY of the ponies there was my parents arguing over the $10 admission fee and how we could have made a downpayment on a house instead.


February 24, 2010 at 12:02 pm

we would have a problem if the horses just kept running away. the kid would want a quarter and some pellet food machine. here, horsey, horsey…. then we’d have to buy another stuffed horse toy.


Maddnessofme February 24, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Just think of the blog fodder a trip with friggin’ horses running around would provide! Just do it! I think somewhere you said you would do anything for us, I will have to find it. Either that or you said you people are all leeches, I can’t remember which.


Maureen@IslandRoar February 24, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Seriously, I suggest you get husbandrinka a dictionary. So he can look up the word vacation. I believe it clearly states that sun and sand are required. Especially for those of us who winter in the northeast. You know what Tommy Jefferson can do with his big old house, don’t you???


soccermom February 24, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Maybe you and the kids need to go someplace fun and let husbandrinka go someplace relaxing alone? Or better yet send the kids with him and you spend it with the girls? I know thats not nice, I’m sure in the end you will come to agree on a special, entertaining, restful, safe vacation.


ssheers February 24, 2010 at 2:44 pm

We went to Assateague and didn’t see and horses. We looked for them. I guess they were hiding.


Maravonda February 24, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Two years ago my mother in law went down there for the annual New Year’s Day walk on the beach, and “adopted” one of the damned horses. I told her that she needed to start drinking on New Year’s Eve and sitting around recuperating the next day like normal people. And it’s just a thought, but when you buy the seeds from Monticello, where the hell are you going to plant them in NYC? I bought some vine seeds that Jefferson grew at Monticello, maybe not the actual seeds, but then who knows?…and every ant from 3 counties came to live on that vine and invade the supporting structure. Run, Marinka, run! Nothing good comes from a trip like this.


Kate Coveny Hood
February 25, 2010 at 12:05 am

I went to Monticello on a class trip and all I remember is a concave mirror by the front door. But it’s a really beautiful building (that I don’t really remember). I can’t imagine anything I’d like to do less than white water. No – that’s not true. I’d like bungee jumping less.

I could probably do the ponies since I’ve seen them from a boat and it’s true – they really do keep their distance. Although I’m probably not the most reliable source for this fact…I mean what did I expect, that they’d swim out to the boat like friendly dolphins? I sympathize with you about the ponies. I’ve always been a little afraind of horses in general.


February 25, 2010 at 3:47 am

Forget the book on leaving Russia. You got out, that’s clear. What is NOT clear is that your husband and children are clearly insane and you need to write that book. You’re welcome.


February 25, 2010 at 1:21 pm

I don’t like nature. I can’t imagine going to see wild horses in person, on purpose. Isn’t that the whole point of the Discovery channel? To know and see, but not have to smell?


lildb February 27, 2010 at 2:24 am

ass island? oh, dear me, no.


Mary @ Holy Mackerel
March 8, 2010 at 2:50 pm

No no, you are definitely NOT the weirdo. I’d be thinking those same things. In fact, I do.

And I thought Monticello was in Italy? Or a good white wine?? Am I wrong?


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