Victoria’s Secret: They Hate You

by Marinka on November 10, 2008

Generally speaking, I consider myself a pretty laid back, agreeable person. I go into a store, I make a selection and I pay for it. I don’t try to create a distraction so that my co-conspirators can come in and steal the merchandise, I don’t present expired coupons and I don’t tell the salespeople my dreams. And all I expect in return is to be rung up, and given the shit I just paid for in a bag, with my receipt and a “thank you.” And the receipt is not strictly mandatory.

I hate shopping at Victoria’s Secret because of their hard sell. The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria’s Secret again is if I’m dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store. Because to walk in there is to subject yourself to some kind of torture-mortification that most people flee continents to avoid. And are pretty much guaranteed to receive asylum in their new country.
“You need a new bra,” a bra pusher told me as I was looking through the robe section.
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“What you’re wearing doesn’t fit you.”
“I’m fine, thanks.”
“It’s too small. It pushes your breasts up so that you look like you have three breasts.”
Ok. I defy anyone to walk away from a salesperson who tells you that. It cannot be done. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure if stockbrokers called their customers and said “you look like you have three breasts, but some stock!” we could get the Dow up right now, financial crisis solved.
“What do you mean, I have three breasts?”
“Well, you’re a C cup, but you’re wearing a B. So the scrunched up part in the middle makes you look like you have a third breast. It’s not a good look,” she explained in case I was going to race directly to Vogue headquarters to start posing.
“I am not a C cup,” I told her and returned to the robe selection. Unfortunately they were all embroidered with something like “Sexy!” and “Cutie Pie!” instead of “LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, I DON’T HAVE THREE BREASTS” which I was in the market for.
“I’ll measure you!” she volunteered and before I could reach for my personal mace container, lassoed me with her breast measurement.
Ten wrangling minutes later, I bought a new bra.
“You were right,” I told her.
“I know,” she said. “I’m a professional.”
Victoria’s Secret: 1
Marinka: 0
Breasts: >3

One year ago ...

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{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

Vodka Mom November 10, 2008 at 4:36 am

damn those bitches.

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Katy (aka funny girl) November 10, 2008 at 5:20 am

I’m just really impressed that you went ahead and brought a bra. My pride would’ve forced me to leave and go somewhere else, just so the beeotch wouldn’t have my money. At the very least I would’ve been asking for the manager. (I’m all about justice, and there must be payback for comments about three breasts.)

Are you sure you didn’t say any other snide remarks? Even under your breath? Really???

You’re a better woman than I, Ms. M.

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KLS November 10, 2008 at 5:41 am

This weekend I went into a REAL bra store (not like VS) and had a fitting by a REAL fitter. I'd done this before at a fake fitting place, and have stuck with what they told me for about 8 years.

What I learned this weekend is that my cup size is like 4 letters more than what I was originally told, and my band size is a much smaller number (yippee!). If you have an Intimacy store there (which I am sure you so), you should check it out. Highly recommend (and so do my boobs!)It makes a HUGE difference in the way I look and feel. And I can't believe I am gushing about this on the Internet….

You do have a store:
INTIMACY of New York
Intimacy on Madison
Corner of 90th and Madison
1252 Madison Ave.
New York, New York 10128 USA
Phone (212) 860-8366

Subway Directions
Take the 4, 5, or 6th train to
86 & Lexington.

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Tooj November 10, 2008 at 5:45 am

It’s amazing the amount of problems that boobs can cause us women. LOL

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Marinka November 10, 2008 at 6:46 am

Katy-apparently my strategy was to stew, wait a few years and then write a blog post about it. Hope she sees it!

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Madge November 10, 2008 at 6:53 am

i hate boobs

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wfbdoglover November 10, 2008 at 7:33 am

I actually know exactly what she is talking about! ROLFLMAO

This was a good one!

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Kate Coveny Hood November 10, 2008 at 7:39 am

I had a similar dispute while trying to buy a bra at Macys of all places. The sales person was a little odd looking. Frumpy overweight mom type with a short green mohawk (I couldn’t figure her out). Anyway – I am not exactly well endowed – but I will do anything to avoid the little roll of back fat that a tight fitting bra can create. We had a big argument about whether I was a 36 B (like I prefer) or a 32 B (totally ridiculous – measured or not, I felt like I managed to get the rubber band from my pony tail cinched around my ribs). We compromised with a 34 B. I never thought someone combining mom jeans and a green mohawk could hold so much power.

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Rachel November 10, 2008 at 7:44 am

I haven’t shopped at a Victoria’s Secret in years! Since I was single. I am VERY picky about my bras, and NEVER found one there that fit the way that I liked. I prefer functional over sexy, though.

Boobs suck!

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Kristine November 10, 2008 at 8:13 am

I always called them booblets!

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bex November 10, 2008 at 8:18 am

I think maybe a “Yeah, well you have FOUR boobs, so suck it!” would have gotten you out of there faster.

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Mama Ginger Tree November 10, 2008 at 9:16 am

The secret is that Victoria is not really a cheap whore, as their store and ad’s would have you believe. But that Victoria is in fact a frumpy woman who used to me a madam and is now stuck in the mall giving the hard sell on bras and panties.

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Heather November 10, 2008 at 10:04 am

So that is what the secret in Victoria’s secret is – bully customers into buying bras that they weren’t in the store to buy! I’ve always wondered what it was.

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Heinous November 10, 2008 at 11:01 am

You mean the three breasted look isn’t in?

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake November 10, 2008 at 11:18 am

You think you hate them now?

Wait until that cheap ass bra, which I bet wasn’t cheap for you, only for VS corporate, pokes you in your boob with the underwire because the fabric broke.

Happened to me on every one of my Victoria Suckass bras until I finally stopped buying them.

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Todd November 10, 2008 at 11:34 am

I heart boobies.

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Andrea's Sweet Life November 10, 2008 at 12:02 pm

That is precisely why I shop online. I measure my own breasticles, pick out the type and let my husband shop for me from my wish list.

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Jess November 10, 2008 at 12:25 pm

I bought a bra from Victoria’s Secret one time and hated it. It fits no better than the cheap ones at Kohl’s where you’re not hunted down and measured

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Andy November 10, 2008 at 2:32 pm

I’m a fan of boobs, but three might be too many.
What’s weirder is that woman’s job is to stare at customer’s boobs all day.

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heartatpreschool November 10, 2008 at 3:32 pm

You should go on Oprah with that story.

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Anonymous November 10, 2008 at 4:29 pm

You could always opt for going there on Boxing Day. There will be too many people for the evil-boob-lady to harass, that you’ll just go by unnoticed. Unless, of course, you’re one of the unlucky ones.

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bernthis November 10, 2008 at 5:14 pm

How the hell do they do that? I tell myself all the time, “this time they’re not going to get me” and hell if I’m not walking out of there with a $500 worth of lipstick and cream they SWEAR will make look pretty AGAIN”.

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Kimberly November 10, 2008 at 5:37 pm

I agree with the crowd. In fact, if I got the same news Christina Applegate got, I would probably get rid of mine too.

And those VS ladies have huge balls, my friend 🙂

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Sophie, Inzaburbs November 10, 2008 at 6:28 pm

I obviously live in the wrong part of the country. I can never find a salesperson in Victoria’s Secret. I can be standing there with $500 worth of underwear in my hands and nobody shows. I always walk out. I don’t even know where the changing rooms are in that place, since I have never found anyone to show me.

I was once dragged into a Gap underwear store (whatever it is called. Gap Intimate? Gap Privates? Anyway.)The saleslady proceeded to measure me and declared that I had become skinnier and very much more well endowed, seemingly overnight. Of course I was flattered! Of course I bought the bra! The too-tight empty-cup look was interesting, but not for long, they soon fell apart.

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Frogs in my formula November 10, 2008 at 7:00 pm

The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria’s Secret again is if I’m dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store.

The best line EVER.

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Sonya November 10, 2008 at 7:04 pm

oh dear, that was a gem! I, sadly, have sported the 3 boob look unbeknownst to me until I saw photos months later. Horrified doesn’t begin to describe…

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the mama bird diaries November 10, 2008 at 7:32 pm

I freakin’ HATE Victoria Secret. They are relentless in stalking you wherever you try to hide.

at least you stood up to them and you know, gave them money.

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Momo Fali November 10, 2008 at 7:56 pm

The only time I used to go in there was when they sent out those “free panties” coupons, twice a year. But NOW, my niece works there! It’s great, because she can pretend to be working and I can shop pressure-free.

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kia (good enough mama) November 10, 2008 at 9:00 pm

I think I would have taken out my third breast and shoved it down her throat until she choked on it and died. You’re a much better person than I.

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anymommy November 10, 2008 at 9:32 pm

I don’t really have boobs. Just nipples. I would kill for three. Maybe I could borrow one of yours?

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Anna See November 10, 2008 at 9:57 pm

Whoa. This is like when the bra ladies on Oprah fit everyone for bras. It’s always like. “You thought you were a 36 B but you are really a 32F.” Makes me think I may need to make a few changes around here. The new bras I got at Walmart last wk are NOT working for me.

I’m impressed you didn’t wail on that girl.

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Delusional Girl Ruby Soho November 10, 2008 at 10:09 pm

Sophie and I must live near each other because I can never find a salesperson either! Not like anything in their store fits, (hi big boobs), but still. And, I swear they don’t know how to measure people.

I suggest going to a place like Intimacy. (I’ve never been to Intimacy, it just seems like the place I go to.) It could change your life!

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Kylie w Warszawie November 11, 2008 at 2:48 am

I loved this. I had to go bra shopping at Polish Victoria’s Secret (I can’t remember the name of the store, but it was definitely copyright infringement). EVERY WOMAN WHO WORKED IN THE STORE asked if they could help me. And then my husband started going through the drawers, because he told me that’s what you have to do a VS. They were mortified and came directly over and yanked the bra he was holding out of his hands and told him sternly (of course, I don’t think it’s possibly to speak Polish not sternly) that he was not allowed to go through the drawers.

And I don’t know why my husband knows what you’re supposed to do a VS. I don’t ask those kinds of questions.

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Mommy Mo November 11, 2008 at 3:45 pm

OMG! That was hilarious. WHo in their right mind would tell a potential customer that they look like have 3 chi-chi’s?

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Aunt Becky November 12, 2008 at 3:35 pm

I usually buy my bras at Nordstroms, where I’m chastised by the mother I never had. Seriously, they’re WORSE than my mother.

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Lish November 13, 2008 at 7:08 pm

“The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria’s Secret again is if I’m dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store.” Pure genius.

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Braja November 14, 2008 at 12:21 am

I hate it when they’re right. Now look, I’m not trying to lure you over to my site to make you read completely irrelevant things. Really. but this is an “I hate shopping” post that I think you’ll relate to:

http://lostandfoundinindia.blogspot.com/2008/10/shopping-tips-dont-ask.html

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Janet November 14, 2008 at 1:47 pm

I can’t take it. If I laugh any harder at your posts I’m going to have a stroke right here. In my office.

Not to mention I’ll probably get fired.

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Alicia November 16, 2008 at 5:44 pm

“The only way that I will ever set foot in Victoria’s Secret again is if I’m dismembered and someone flings my foot into their store.”

Hilarious.

Yeah, I worked for VS back when I was 18. I lasted 3 weeks because I, I am just not a breast wrangler. That and their benefits/pay sucked.

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Reluctant Housewife December 3, 2008 at 10:13 am

Wow! That was gutsy of her… I wonder if anyone’s every turned around and hit her?

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Connie Weiss December 3, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Oh My Goodness! This is why I shop online…I don’t like to pay people to insult me!

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texasholly December 3, 2008 at 8:41 pm

Holy crap that was funny. I usually have the opposite problem in VS although they are really hard selling their credit cards to the point of insanity….

Thanks so much for linking!!

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kiki April 7, 2010 at 3:16 pm

i worked at VS and you would be surprised how many women i measured and they were ALL wearing the wrong sizes. the right bra size makes all the difference. but the gals can be pushy at times. i was never annoying. after the 2nd offer, i would let them be. the only people i hounded were the shoplifters. take care and enjoy your new “over the shoulder boulder holder.”

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kiki April 7, 2010 at 3:21 pm

OMGoodness, i didn’t realize the date on this post. you can delete each of my comments. gracias.

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