Weekend in Review

by Marinka on January 20, 2009

This weekend, my kids went to the dacha with my parents. Dacha is a Russian word that means “summer house out in the countryside” where many Russians would go to stay on the weekends. Or maybe in the summer. Not all at the same house, everyone would have their own house. I don’t mean that every person in Russia had their own house, but people who did, called it dacha.

Anyway, my parents’ house, I mean, dacha is upstate and it’s beautiful there, and the only drawback is that it doesn’t have a TV or high speed internet and also that sometimes when Americans pronounce “dacha” they make it sound like Dachau, which is a very different type of place, lack of TV/high speed internet notwithstanding.

Originally, Husbandrinka and I were going to come up on Sunday morning, after he returned from a Caribbean business trip (not pirate related) but then we woke up on Sunday and said “snow!” and decided not to risk our lives driving. Husbandrinka was all, “I really miss the kids” and I was all, “I get to watch Rock of Love Bus tonight LIVE!”

So I spent the whole weekend lounging and watching mindless television. In addition to Rock of Love, John and I watched (over the phone) Parental Control, an MTV show where parents who hate their kid’s significant other try to find them a better fit, The Bachelor and Mama’s Boys. My IQ is now in the single digits, if single digits means very low. I don’t even know anymore.

But it was completely relaxing and I loved every second of it. But of course because I am always yearning for more knowledge, I have questions. I’ll limit it to three because it’s Inauguration Tuesday and we’re all celebrating.

1. The girls on Rock of Love Bus. Specifically, their breasts. Under what circumstances does a woman go from like a B cut to a ZZZ? Do normal women do this, or just the ones looking for a career in porn? (And can I just say that compared to the whores on the Rock of Love Bus, The Bachelor girls are positively high society).

2. So the big reveal is that one of the girls on Mama’s Boys is Penthouse Pet of the Year. Am I insane or is this every boy’s wet dream? Why is he so upset? “WHAT? I thought you were into crossword puzzles and helping lepers!”

3. How fucked do you have to be to appear on those shows? I mean, what happens–are they all attention whores, or does someone say, “You know, I feel ready to settle down, have a family. I know! National television!”

Important blog notes:

Thank you to everyone who submitted questions for John to answer. He reassures me that he is hard at work on them. I can practically feel the sweat pouring off his brow as I type this. At least I hope that’s sweat.

Also, thank you for your submissions for the Champagne contest, I loved the responses. So, either I’m going to drink heavily in all of your honors (look for my Donate Your Liver to Marinka! contest coming soon) or you can put me to the harsh task of picking my very favorite, knowing that many, many people will feel excluded and alienated. Just like Rock of Love Bus contestants.

One year ago ...

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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

WA January 20, 2009 at 5:24 pm

The boobs on the Rock of Love Bus AREN’T REAL??!?! Next you’ll be telling me that Bret Michaels isn’t a bald guy with 103 STDs.


Heinous January 20, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Hey, them’s some classy broads you’re making fun of. Just kidding. Rock of Love gals seem to be the one the porn industry rejected for being too dumb and sleazy.

Don’t worry, everyone will forget them the second they’re off the show most likely.


Rachel January 20, 2009 at 5:30 pm

Oh how I love me some Bachelor! But, even I had to draw the line at Mama’s Boys. I couldn’t watch past the first two episodes of that one. It was just too dumb. Plus that new one True Beauty started then.


Charmaine January 20, 2009 at 5:35 pm

I really need to get cable. sigh


anymommy January 20, 2009 at 5:46 pm

Right? It’s astonishing. The boobs have their own gravitational pull.


peajaye January 20, 2009 at 6:29 pm

note to self: create new mtv show for eastern bloc. title – Da’cha Bomb! sexy soviet sweeties share crappy country cottage, vying for affections of russian mafia boss. twist is, he’s a midget. perhaps putin’s parents choose winner? run it by focus group.


Smart A$$ Mom January 20, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Um? I’m pretty sure that the lower the IQ number the better, kinda like in Golf and opposite of Bowling. Then again, all I watch is Young and the Restless so I may have just disqualified myself.

PS, if you do comment of the day, like The Bloggess, I know I just won.


Smart A$$ Mom January 20, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Oh, and pretty sure that all women’s breast go from b to ZZZ. But only if your family has a ‘house on wheels’ as opposed to a Dacha.

*shooting imaginary bullets with fingertips for award winning comment #2


Irish Gumbo January 20, 2009 at 6:54 pm

Not real? Jeez, thanks for bursting yet another balloon(s) for me. Can’t a guy dream?


Frogs in my formula January 20, 2009 at 7:07 pm

Hubs is addicted to those reality shows. He says they make him feel good about himself (I think he means in his nether regions as per the GINORMOUS jugs).


Temple January 20, 2009 at 7:22 pm

Matt and I are seriously addicted to Rock of Love (all 3 seasons) albeit for totally different reasons. I get my fill of Jr. High total crushing flashbacks to Brett Michaels and he gets to tell me whose boobs are fake (really? like all of them?), We have now also become fans of the Tool Academy (which follows Brett’s bus of porn)–it is HILARIOUS!


Threeboys1mommy January 20, 2009 at 7:44 pm

Gosh darn it all to heck! I forgot about Mama’s Boy (I fully expect to be on that show some day). So the Penthouse thing was a no go, huh? What about the boy who kept just one girl? Ugh! Was that the last episode?


Marinka January 20, 2009 at 7:51 pm

WA- he has STDs?! I could forgive the STDs but not the eye make up. Hello, eyes of Laura Mars!

Heinous–great, now I’m feeling sorry for the porn industry rejects. As if this day hasn’t been tearful enough already.

Rachel–oh, and True Beauty is super intelligent. Tell me this: can they tell who’s beautiful on the inside without an autopsy, huh? Didn’t think so.

Charmaine– You really do. Or at least read recaps.

Anymommy– I worry that the boobs hurt their back. I’m almost a doctor.

Peajaye–We’ll need a celebrity tie-in. I wonder if Yakov Smirnoff is available. What a country! (And I love the name for the show.)

Smart Ass mom– You totally won! You are a winner! First and Second Place! Congratulations! (back away slowly, everyone. I got this one)

Irish Gumb– Of course they’re real. I’m just a bitter hag, so I have to pick on women who are younger and perkier than I am.

Frogs–awww…that’s so romantical!

Temple–there were THREE seasons of Rock of Love?! I thought that this was the second one. Tool Academy, huh? Is it a very important show that I can’t afford to miss? I have very highbrow taste, you know.


Tooj January 20, 2009 at 8:19 pm

Okay, I must have missed the post about asking the husband questions. Oh well, I’ll read and enjoy.


OHmommy January 20, 2009 at 8:48 pm

Rock of Love has a new season? Why am I always the last one to get the memos?


phd in yogurtry January 20, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Ahh, the relaxation. Green with envy, here. How do I find a dacha of my own and grandparents willing to take my kids for a weekend? Is it a lengthy application?


Kirsten January 20, 2009 at 9:55 pm

“not pirate related” — that was hilarious. I love you.

I can’t tear myself away from Rock of Love. Where do they find these girls??? I just stare in complete disbelief.


Robin January 20, 2009 at 10:40 pm

ehh. momma’s boys was my guity little secret. i didn’t want to watch but i couldn’t help it. the mommas were INSANE and the boys were pussies and the girls were stupid for not bitch slappying both the mommas and the boys. how coud you not watch it??

p.s. i totally thought pussy boy jojo would leave with his mommy. i bet he called her from the yacht.


Irish Chicken Soup January 20, 2009 at 11:28 pm

I thought I was the only person who watched Tv over the phone with people…. well me and obviously the people on the other side of the line…nevermind.

So far I've only caught the first episode of the new Rock of Love but I must say it was magical. >.<


Belle January 21, 2009 at 4:10 am

We don’t get Rock of Love here, but I’m definitely going to look it up. Any freakshow of yours is a freakshow of mine.
What was that show about mothers finding better matches for their son’s sluts?
Sign me up please.


Braja January 21, 2009 at 5:16 am

I have NO IDEA what you’re talking about but did that ever stop me? No. I also missed the Questions for John post. God, I go travelling for ONE DAY and Vokda Mum claims she’s taking over but where is she? Nowhere, and chaos reigns. Who’s keeping me updated on everything? NO ONE. I’m pouring my heart out here Marinka. I hope you’re drinking.


Marinka January 21, 2009 at 5:50 am

3Boys1Mommy–yes, that was the last episode. It was also my first, so imagine my disappointment as I settled in for a winter’s worth of viewing.

Tooj–Eek! John is not my husband. He is my gay.

OHMommy–I’m worried that you’re preoccupied with other priorities, like your children. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–those kids will be there tomorrow, but it’s really hard to catch up on Rock of Love Bus. I hope that this is the wakeup call that you needed.

PhD–Oh, I’m sure my parents won’t notice if you slip your kids in as well. Especially if they cook and clean. And drive.

Kirsten–I have no idea where they find those girls. But I hope they lock the door behind them.

Robin–lol, you’re right, he probably did call. I liked that he acknowledged that his mom had his balls hanging in her car.

Irish Chicken Soup–John criticized my TV-watching-over-the-phone skillz. Apparently, his friend David does it better. How was I supposed to know that you’re supposed to announce when you’re changing channels? John was fuming because for three minutes, I was watching Inside the Actor’s Studio with Kate Winslet and he was watching a carpet steamer infomercial.

Belle–I hope that the show you’re referring to is Momma’s Boys because I’m not sure that I can take missing out on another masterpiece.

Braja–Are you back already?! I mean, I missed you so much! Vodka Mom is probably in detox or something.


Smartass Milf January 21, 2009 at 6:44 am

I love Rock of Love Bus. It is my crack. My man thinks I am insane for watching it, yet when it’s on he can’t help but make snarky comments with me.


Kylie w Warszawie January 21, 2009 at 7:05 am

I don’t even know what Rock of Love Bus is. It always sounded really dirty to me.

But I do know what a dacha is because it’s the same word in Polish. And “summer” is relative.


Kristine January 21, 2009 at 7:15 am

I am convinced that a married couple on reality TV always ends up in a divorce. Likewise if you start your marriage on reality TV, it won’t end well.

Plus, if Bret Michael’s finds love? That’s the end of his series, and how would he have a job, the very idea of him finding someone on that show is a conflict of interest for him.


Immoral Matriarch January 21, 2009 at 8:11 am

I LOVE Mama’s Boys. Shoot me now.


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake January 21, 2009 at 9:53 am

Well, I hope like hell John is working on MY question. He if doesn’t answer it, I’m going to have to cut him out of my will.


the mama bird diaries January 21, 2009 at 11:44 am

i am so jazzed that you are married to a pirate.


Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub January 21, 2009 at 11:50 am

I’m with Heinous, those girls (for the most part) must be porn rejects… rejected for their anger management issues and the greed that you can see in their eyes.

But is does make for “compelling” TV and I get sucked in.

I’m also mesmerized by Brett’s hideous eye-makeup: is it real or is it tattoo???


Issas Crazy World January 21, 2009 at 12:15 pm

Triple Z boobs? Where the heck do they find bras for those suckers is my question.


Maura January 21, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Get to work, woman, and pick a winner! I haven’t had my fill of disillusionment, exclusion and alientation for the week.

I’m also curious where “upstate” the dacha is. I used to live in Dutchess County.


Marinka January 21, 2009 at 7:31 pm

Smartass MILF–I think there are two kinds of people in the world–those of us who love Rock of Love and those who pretend that they don’t.

Kylie–I am very concerned that you are missing on important American cultural advances. Maybe we can send you DVDs?

Kristine–you are absolutely right–it is a conflict of interest. His career or true love. Now I’ll be up all night worrying about it. Thanks a lot.

Immoral Matriarch–if we put our heads together, we can share a bullet!

Heather–Maybe just cutting him will suffice? Wills are so much paperwork.

Mama Bird Diaries–you should see his bejeweled eyepatch!

Amy–his eye make up is insane. I didn’t think that it was that it was tattoed!

Isaa-I have a feeling that there’s a whole world out there that we’re not privy to. Thank goodness.

Maura–oh, and I thought that you were going to let it slide! Ok, I’ll make the hard choices.


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