Woe Is Me

by Marinka on January 26, 2012

I am sick with a cold/flu situation and my toilet is clogged and try as I might to put my usual optimistic spin on this experience, I just can’t seem to get it together.

Mostly because I’ve been trying to battle the toilet for the past hour and what I’m smelling is definitely not victory.

There is just absolutely no good news about a clogged toilet. In case you’re trying to reignite the romantic flame with your partner, this, apparently, is not the way to do it. I know because last Friday, after being gone for a week, Husbandrinka texted me that he landed at Newark, and I texted back “not a moment too soon! Both toilets are clogged!” and he didn’t text back “can’t wait to come home and see you and the toilets!” As a matter of fact, he texted back the very opposite of that and has since left me and the children. Just kidding, he still sees the children.

But in my defense, I unclogged one of the toilets with a plunger last week and then today, just as I was recovering from that experience, the toilet clogged again.

I know what you’re thinking: Young Ladrinka, he of the storing the banana peel in the toilet. Or perhaps Mama and Papa with their deodorant down the toilet hijinks. And those are strong thoughts, but, sadly for me, I was home alone at the time. I’d used the bathroom for the daintiest of numbers one, tossed a square and a half of the softest toilet paper in, and flushed.

And then the unthinkable started to happen. The water in the bowl started to rise.

Is there a more terrifying sight? I said the prayer right away: Dear Porcelain Deity, please make the waters retreat and not spilleth over. I will do anything you ask. I will not mistreat the toilet again. I will never use it again. I will plant a garden in it instead and honor it as my forefathers had done.

But my prayers fell on deaf toilet ears and yes, it did overflow.

And I, in my cold/flu/ebola illness, was forced to mop up the floor.

And then I plunged the toilet.

And then I flushed it.

And then the waters rose again.

OMFG.

This time, the Eau de Toilette stopped just short of the bowl lip. So, on the one hand, success. On the other hand, no one can ever use the toilet again.

I don’t see why that should be a problem, do you? What is this obsession with going to the bathroom all the time, anyway? It’s about time we as a society became a bit more retentive. This confessional society isn’t doing any of us any favors.

There. I’m feeling better already.

(Oh, and if anyone thinks I should call the super who, you know, is paid to deal with clogs, that is entirely too easy for someone with my sensibilities. That is, insanity. Because it is hard for me to invite someone over to look into my toilet. But I’m working on it!)

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Catherine Dabels
Twitter:
January 26, 2012 at 5:24 pm

We have three toilets and they clog on a regular basis.

They even overflow because what would life be with four children if that didn’t happen occasion?

Needless to say, the youngest one has learned a plethora of new words. And ‘plethora’ is not one of them.

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sherilinr January 26, 2012 at 6:43 pm

i think there’s nothing worse than plunging a toilet. okay, i’m sure there are worse things, but when the waters start to rise, i can’t think of any of them! how about having your period, being at a hotel with your honey and not realizing the toilet needs plunging after your trip in there until the man comes out grumbling about what he just had to witness and how it was soooo not sexy!

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Heather
Twitter:
January 26, 2012 at 7:28 pm

A tip from someone who has, ahem, clogged a couple toilets in her time — most notably at my mother-in-law’s house, where I had to ask her for a plunger so I could fix it, which was not at all embarrassing: When you see the water starting to rise, shut off the water at the base of the toilet by the wall. You’ll still have to plunge the damn thing, but you won’t be mopping your dainty urine off the floor.

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ladyday January 26, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I have two words for you: Flush Mate (http://www.flushmate.com/)

We have them in 3 out of 4 bathrooms. Worth every penny.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
January 26, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Lady, skip the super. You need a plumber. Stat.

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Anna January 26, 2012 at 11:39 pm

My plumber has come a few times to help me with a similar problem. Okay, the same problem. He ended up replacing a toilet that he said had a particularly poor design (down below the bowl… you know, where the matter exits). The poor design, coupled with the low-flush type of toilet, makes for frequent clogs, so he said. Well, he took away my old toilet (with the clog still in there, Lord have mercy), and the new one does indeed have a forceful and fast flush. No clogs yet.

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Jen Anderson
Twitter:
January 26, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Your super would actually show up for a clogged toilet? Fancy. I had to bail out my bathtub for 3 weeks before my super got around to dealing with that clog. I’d probably have to wait a year for basic stuff.

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Alexandra January 27, 2012 at 12:05 am

After tiring of walking around with a plunger strapped across my chest like an archer with his quiver, I finally went to Ace and bought one for each bathroom.

The wooden handled red nipples sit behind each door, where I can grab them in seconds flat at the first sign of rising water.

One of the smartest things I’ve ever done in my life.

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dusty earth mother January 27, 2012 at 10:53 am

You are correct: there is no sight more terrifying than rising toilet water.

Other than commending you for this insight, I got nothin’.

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robin
Twitter:
January 27, 2012 at 10:04 pm

These things always happen at once. Naturally your toilets would not have both plugged if you hadn’t been deathly ill!

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Lady Jennie January 28, 2012 at 9:40 am

Oh dear oh dear – there is just nothing worse. May your husband sweep down in romantic glory and rescue you from the raging waters.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
January 29, 2012 at 10:15 pm

The prayer was my favorite part. There really is no more threatening sight.

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