Your Majesty

by Marinka on May 19, 2009

A few months ago I went to a doctor to be treated for insanity. A mild form, I’m sure, and it’s certainly not contagious, although, of course, I appreciate your attempts to make everything about you.

Anyway, the upshot of this is that although I feel a lot better, I keep getting these mailings from my insurance company. They come in big envelopes with CONFIDENTIAL stamped on them and when I open it, there’s an otherwise blank page that says: CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION FOR MARINKA ENCLOSED, so that if you’re snooping and opening my mail, you clearly know that you have to stop.

The letters themselves are complete wristslashers.

The latest one that I received assured me that “You Can Move Your Mood”, which really makes me suspect that people recently treated for constipation receive a “You Can Move Your Bowels” letter, because this type of recycling is how insurance companies save money in this economy.

So I read through the letter and saw that I should keep a daily Thought & Mood Log for a week or so, to focus on how I’m feeling. I am supposed to record the Time and Place, Thoughts and Feelings, Depression Scale and Positive Thought.

Ok, so the example that they give of thoughts and feelings is “I’ll never complete this project on time; I’m too dumb. Feel: frustrated, sad, helpless” and positive thought: “If I outline each activity and set a reasonable deadline and work on one activity at at time, I can complete the project” makes me think that this exercise is best for our Special Friends, but whatever.

I gave it a shot, because what do I have to lose? Answer: Whatever remains of my dignity.

Here is an excerpt of my Thought and Mood Log:

Time and Place
6:50 am, bed

Thoughts and Feelings: I don’t want to get up. Sleepy, yawny.

Depression scale: 5 million.

Positive Thought: If I were royalty, I could stay in bed all day. Wearing a tiara. And a nightgown, I’m not some kind of nudist royal pervert.

Time and Place

9:15, subway

Thoughts and Feelings: Too crowded. Feeling: crowded, sardiny.

Depression scale: 5.2 million.

Positive Thought: If I were royalty, and I’d buy my own island, I would not have to ride the subway. I feel so much better!

Time and Place

3:15, picking up kids at school

Thoughts and feelings: Sweet Jesus, I have to make small talk with the other parents. Feeling: not wanting to make small talk with other parents.

Depression scale: 3.4 million.

Positive Thought: Royal children are schooled royally and royal parents do not have to make small talk.

I am so grateful that I completed this exercise. It’s made it pretty clear to me that all of my problems would be solved if I were a royal.

Time and Place: Now.
Thoughts and Feelings: WHY AM I NOT ROYALTY? I suppose it would have been to much for my ancestors to be the Romanoffs and later to thwart the Russian Revolution so that none of the royals got assassinated so that all of my problems could be solved. Seriously, is hast too much to ask?

One year ago ...

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