by Marinka on September 21, 2011

Yesterday I noticed that my bank opened up a new branch near where I live. Since I’m 88 years old, this was wonderful news.

I immediately decided to take out some fresh cash from the cash machine.

I put in my card, pressed “shitload” when it asked me for what amount I wanted in $20 bills and waited. I like to pretend that I’m in Atlantic City when I withdraw cash so that when the money is doled out, I pump a fist in the air a little. Usually my own.

Except this time there was no cash dispensing. There was no fist pumping. Instead there was a message saying that the service I requested could not be performed right now.

It’s hard to believe that some people think that Anti-Semitism is no longer a problem in America.

A few things ran through my mind.

First, I considered that because these ATM machines were new, they hadn’t yet been trained in cash dispensing. And yet, as I looked to my the cash-retrievers on either side of me, I saw that they were getting barrels full of money out of the bank. Why, their legs were practically buckling!

Second, I thought that maybe I already took all the cash out of the account, which would be sad; although the Lucy and Ricky skit that would await me once Husbandrinka found out would make for excellent blogging fodder. Always with the silver lining, I am.

I wanted to check the balance, but the ATM let me know that this service wasn’t available to me, either.

Which left me with only one possible explanation:

Husbandrinka fell in love with a younger, more beautiful woman, canceled my card, got one for her and forgot to tell me.

The more I thought about this, the more it made sense. I called Husbandrinka.

“The machine isn’t giving me cash,” I told him.
“What machine?” he asked.
See? If someone didn’t have a guilty mind, would he question what machine? I mean, what machine usually gives you cash?
“The ATM machine,” I tried to speak in measured tones. No need to escalate matters ahead of time. The Snapped episodes always start out matter-of-fact.
“No clue,” he said. Probably while booking a get-away from Belize for two, minus me.

I decided to put it out of my mind. That’s not hard to do, because I’m very forgetful.

Until I went to do some grocery shopping and the very same debit card was declined. DECLINED.

“BUT I NEED THIS FOOD!” I started to protest/audition for Les Miserables. And then I paid for the groceries with cash. Cash that could have been used to buy wine.

After a few more phone calls to Husbandrinka, during which he has properly lawyered up and pleaded ignorance in the fifth degree, I called the bank.

Apparently, the bank claims to have found some suspicious activity on my card and sent me a new card, suspending this one. They were sorry for the inconvenience and I was sorry that I didn’t go through my mail. We agreed that they would overnight the new card to me so that the nation’s economy wouldn’t feel any further adverse effects.

I just hope that I find it in my heart to forgive Husbandrinka.

One year ago ...

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

awesome dude September 21, 2011 at 10:55 am

You will be better off never receiving a new card.


September 21, 2011 at 2:29 pm

You and Husbadrinka are in Cahoots, aren’t you?


Joie September 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

Heh…damn ATM. Didn’t give you your fist pumping moment! I too love getting shitloads of money. Then I realize that the only reason I have shit tons of money is because I haven’t paid my mortgage, car payment, insurance, INTERNET…whatevs. Details.


the mama bird diaries
September 21, 2011 at 11:39 am

This happens to me all the time. We get new credit cards like every 11 days. Apparently, we are big targets of potential identity theft. It’s super fun.


Twsited Domestic Goddess September 21, 2011 at 11:52 am

Darn that husbandrinska! 🙂


Cheap Lady September 21, 2011 at 12:10 pm

The suspicious activity was probably husbandrinka buying tickets for two to Belize.

Also, I wish there was a ‘shitload’ button on my ATM. Also, I wish the ‘shitload’ button took money from someone else’s account because I don’t think I have enough money to cover that and I wouldn’t want to overdraw my account.


dusty earth mother September 21, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I’m so sorry about Husbandrinka. But tell him that the scuba diving is awesome in Belize.


Kara September 21, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I’m sure the nation’s economists are breathing a sigh of relief.


September 21, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Why do we all say ATM machine? Surely it is AT machine? Never mind. I hope they send you two cards with ‘shitloads’ to make up for the emotional distress.


The Mommy Therapy
September 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm

I can’t believe your husband got the bank in on his plan too. His new lady friend must be quite a gem. Good luck!


September 21, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Oh my gosh… “Husbandrinka fell in love with a younger, more beautiful woman, canceled my card, got one for her and forgot to tell me.”

I know someone this happened to! Except her ex’s mistress is actuallly older than she is (but thinner). It was… not cool. They were already separated at the time, but it was their joint account and she was buying groceries for their three children.


September 21, 2011 at 5:31 pm

This is clearly part of the nationwide anti-Semitic/homophobic banking scheme since the other day I went to the new ATM in the grocery store to check my balance and they gleefully charged me 50 cents for the privilege (without prior warning).

The good news is that their executives are receiving millions of dollars of our tax dollars! And really, how could we possibly expect them to have time for things like customer service with all that cash of their own they need to be counting and rolling around in?


September 21, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I get those new cards because of potential identity theft all the time.

I cannot figure out why anyone would want to steal my identity. I am fat woman with a shitty job in Nowheresville, Virginia.

Anyone want my identity? Yeah. Didn’t think so.


Julie McGuire
September 21, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Love the “shitload” comment. What I wouldn’t give to press that button.


vodkamom September 21, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Forgive him?? I ‘ve got a shovel. I suggest another alternative.


Lady Goo Goo Gaga September 22, 2011 at 9:45 am

You were very calm – I would have been freaking out!!!


September 22, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Perhaps that suspicious behavior was in fact Husbandrinka purchasing fist loads of diamonds at Tiffany’s for his new bride? Or did you play Atlantic City too much wanting to recreate your fist pumping ways a la Jersey Shore more often?


September 23, 2011 at 8:57 am


I shouldn’t read these stories.

Yes, yes, the “shitload” comment was very, very, VERY funny BUT I’m so worried now I can’t see straight: what suspicious activity?
Really, what suspicious activity???


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