I Have Fantastic News. About My Ass

by Marinka on September 23, 2011

Last month I attended a Wacoal event in NYC and was fitted for a bra of my dreams and yours.

I loved everything about this event– from the invitation that promised cocktails and small bites (we’ll see about that, I thought) to the fact that it was held on a top floor of a midtown  hotel suite and that in the middle of the whole thing I was led to the bathroom palace and measured for a bra.  Since whenever I’m escorted to a bathroom in a hotel I fully expect to wake up in an ice-filled bathtub sans some of my favorite internal organs, being merely measured was indeed a relief.

The measuring lady diagnosed me as a double D.

It was a beautiful moment and I started to make plans for my imminent career as a porn star and Hugh Hefner’s fiance (hey, he’s old. And I could totally pass for 24. And forty halves.)   But that dream was soon destroyed as I was notified that a double D is an average size for a woman. (Men tend to measure smaller).

And as I’m processing that bit of how do you do, the breasticle measurer started talking to me about shapewear and would I like to try some.

Shapewear? I asked, cocking my head adorably to the side.

“Yes,” she said.  And explained that the iPant is an undergarment that I would  wear under my clothes which will shape my rear end.

No lightbulbs were going off in my head because for the life of me,  because my head is energy efficient.  And also I can’t see how a hexagon ass is going to help me.  And why would anyone choose a shape other than a hexagon?  It’s so pointy!

But apparently, I’m behind (ahem) the trend again, because I learn that iPant is something that I have to wear over my ass and under my clothes and it helps the skin fight against fat accumulation and cellulite.

I don’t know how, I assume some kind of magic is involved.

The iPant felt all smooth and silky, so needless to say, I wanted one immediately.

The great news is that the Warcoal people were willing to let me have one, all I had to do was sign up for the iPant challenge. I’d commit to wearing it every day for 28 days and at the end of the 28 days my ass would be smooth, like a baby’s. A very huge baby’s.

I was in!

But before I committed, I read the ingredients.
What? Your undergarments don’t come with ingredients?!

Ingredients include caffeine, retinol, ceramides, vitamin E, fatty acids and aloe vera
The microcapsules are released through the microfiber in a controlled way throughout the lifetime of the garment, even after 100 washes.

Caffeine?!

Would it make my ass jittery? Because that’s the last thing that I need right now.

Apparently, no one reported jitteriness.

So I signed up.

Because it seems like it’s really healthy and good for you.

What could possibly go wrong?

This is not me. It's my body double.

 

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.  So far, after having misplaced the iPant for 2 weeks, I found it yesterday and looked at it.  We’re getting to know each other, before embarking on the 28 Days, starring Sandra Bullock.

Disclosure: I received a bra and the iPant and a blood to Chardonnay transfusion. Wacoal did not ask me to write this post. Although they may ask me to remove it.

One year ago ...

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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

deborah l quinn
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 7:13 am

Wait. Seriously? They’ve invented underwear made of caffeine? Be still my jittery heart (and ass). And really the underwear is called iPant? As in i pant after the ass I had in my early twenties? As in mi pants don’t fit any more?

Does Steve Jobs know about this invention? Do these pants come with a charger? Underwear with a wee vibrator attached could be really great fun, actually. Hmm. Maybe that’s the real reason they’re called iPant.

Reply

Cheryl
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 10:42 am

Your comment is just as good as the post. Huzzah!

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Tinne from T and T September 23, 2011 at 7:45 am

Shapewear made of caffeine?! Be still my coffee addicted body…

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Becky
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 7:49 am

Caffeine and my ass. Another unholy union, like that of dear Sandra and Jesse James.

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Alexandra
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 8:55 am

I want it.

I want it for so many reasons.

The constant caffeine infusion via my soon to be rippleless ass…What’s to say no to???

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Alexandra
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 8:55 am

And you were right, this is fantastic news about your ass.

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Ann
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 9:32 am

Further confirmation that I am way way way below average.

Thanks for that.

Reply

K8NYC September 23, 2011 at 9:32 am

Congratulations on your ass!
But, you know why you might be asked to remove this post? Because it’s WACOAL, no “R.” Not Warcoal. WACOAL.
They probably want you to spell it right so that when you’re out and about with your new hexagon-shaped, caffeinated ass, they got the proper credit.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

I blame the caffeine that must’ve seeped into Marinka’s hands while she was handling the garment.

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ck September 23, 2011 at 9:40 am

Crap. If they’ve bumped Double Ds down to average, I’m destined to spend the rest of my life existing in the cavernous realm so below average that it would only shine on a college transcript. Does Wacoal sell the kind of caffeinated magic that can quadruple Double As? Who am I kidding? I’d even settle for a B.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
September 24, 2011 at 9:04 am

And what’s the with the insulting factor that double-D is BIGGER than D, while double-A is SMALLER than A?

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 9:52 am

i desperately need that too and am indeed, coming up to NY. What hotel suite is it? i’m in!

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Miss Britt
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 9:54 am

Would soaking my ass in a tub of coffee have the same effect? Because that is probably more in line with my budget.

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Dead Cow Girl September 23, 2011 at 10:39 am

Really? Pants made of caffeine..? I may have to sign up for this.

Also? I’m a double d. I’m pretty certain I’m not average. They. Are. Huge. If this was avarage wouldn’t it be easier to find bras in my size? And cloths that cover them??

Reply

Megan September 23, 2011 at 11:17 am

I’m going to need photographic proof of any improvement in your rear view.

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Luda
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

If DD is average, it’s more than clear now that I have the body of a 12 year old boy.

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dusty earth mother September 23, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Double D is average? I might as well end it all right now.

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pam September 23, 2011 at 12:22 pm

They may also want you to change their name to Wacoal when referring to them, because, well, that’s their name.

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magpie September 23, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I’m so confused. Caffeinated underwear?

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tracy
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Still very confused about the double D being average thing. Where are these women?

And totally sign me up for coffee panties!

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anna see September 23, 2011 at 5:07 pm

All I can think of is a potential yeast infection. Which makes me wonder what you get when you connect yeast and caffeine– Soda Bread in your nether-regions? Good luck.

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Scottsdale Girl
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Damn those are some spendy undercrackers

Reply

gina September 23, 2011 at 7:37 pm

too damn funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

Marta
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I’m so curious to find out how these magic pants work for you. I tend not to caffeinate my pants personally but perhaps they would fit better if they had a little coke them. I know I’m usually a little happier after my favorite caffeinated beverage, spiked with some actual booze of course.

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
September 23, 2011 at 11:33 pm

oh my god, that looks so uncomfortable. But honestly, i would wear a half caf soy latte on my ass so who am i to judge?

I did not see any typos in your post.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
September 24, 2011 at 9:08 am

I looked at the reviews on the site, and one girl said she was hand-washing hers out daily and hanging to dry (as instructed), and that her roommates were “borrowing them to exercise in.” I’m telling you this so we can make shocked-and-guffawing comments about roommates who A) borrow other people’s underwear and B) think underwear is the same as exercise gear. SERIOUSLY?!

Also, so you can take proper precautions against your roommates, obviously.

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awesome dude September 24, 2011 at 11:58 am

Pound of sugar should cost $ 349. 99 and food should be four times more expensive then it is now.

The theory of survival of the fittest should work in this country.

Reply

Toni September 24, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I can’t wait for Part 2 of this post.

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Beth September 24, 2011 at 5:47 pm

After reading the replies, I am glad to hear that I am not alone in being well below “average.” I think that lady lied to you, or a lot of women are pulling the Now and Then trick of wrapping them to make them smaller.

I am really curious to see how this ipant turns out. And as always, your dad is hilarious. Although what it really should be is that the processed food is four times more expensive than the non-processed foods.

Reply

Lady Jennie September 26, 2011 at 7:14 am

So before and after pictures are forthcoming? Nah just kidding. Why, this IS good news. Do they give you a week’s worth in case you get behind on your laundry?

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Hope September 26, 2011 at 3:05 pm

The mind reels, Marinka. Caffeine-infused body shapers. This was a funny post. Thanks!

Reply

kimberly September 28, 2011 at 6:02 am

Steve Jobs is going to sue them.

Reply

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