A Heap

by Marinka on September 16, 2009

My friend Melissa stopped by recently, took a look at Nicki and said, “wow, she’s gotten fat!”

Fortunately Nicki was busy chewing at that moment so the sound of those hurtful words was drowned out.

“You think?” I asked. I noticed that Nicki was taking up a lot more room, but I assumed that it was because she was trying out a new hairstyle. That involved fur extensions.

“She’s huge,” Melissa said. “What are you feeding her?”

The bad news is that Melissa is my cat expert friend, the one who told me about Feline Pine and also confirmed that cats can get AIDS, if they’re having unprotected sex. In addition, she sometimes trims Nicki’s nails, so I defer to her on all things Nicki.

“I give her half a can twice a day and some dry food.”

“That’s it?” Melissa asked. “How much dry food?”

“A heap.” Which is totally a serving size.

“A constant heap?”

“Maybe. Hey, Kanye is a huge asshole, isn’t he?”

“So she’s self-feeding. You should only feed her light dry food. Dry food’s like crackers, it has no nutritional value.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. Stupid fat cat.”

That night I told Husbandrinka what Melissa said.

“Nicki is morbidly obese.”

“She seems ok,” Husbandrinka was in deep denial.

“Morbid obesity is the silent killer,” I told him.

“That’s hypertension.”

“Which Nicki now probably has.”

But it bothered Husbandrinka. A lot.

I could tell because he said, “Now that Melissa said something, Nicki’s weight is really bothering me. Why is Nicki so fat?”

“Maybe she’s going through a growing spurt?” I suggested.

“Are you feeding her properly?” he decided to blame me.

“What? I give her food.”

“Yeah, but sometimes you don’t give her the moist food until later and then she binges. She should have a healthier routine.”

There is a lot that I will put up with in a marriage, but the word “moist” is not one of them.

But the good news is that Husbandrinka is now in charge of Nicki’s feeding. She should have six pack abs in no time. Mmmm…six pack…

One year ago ...

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