I’m Right, You’re Wrong. Again.

by Marinka on July 15, 2011

Sigh.

I wish I had a happier installment for you today, but unfortunately this week’s edition of I’m Right, You’re Wrong is emotionally devastating.

See although John is my gay best friend, a few years ago I started an online relationship with another homosexual American and it has, in recent months, intensified. (More on that soon!) As a result of this intensification, we email each other throughout the day with witty observations, supportive affirmations and the like. What more could a hag like me ask for?

Except on Thursday, I get an email from him and he says, very matter of fact, that he was having lunch with his ex-wife and WHAT? WHAT Ex-wife?!

Which leads us to:

Dilemma: In a friendship between a Jewish skin cancer survivor who fled the Soviet Union at the tender age of ten and a some gay guy living in L.A., should revelations about past marital status be made in an offhand manner, as though no one had ever seen the episode of Will & Grace where Grace was jealous of Mira Sorvino because she had slept with Will?

Disagreers: Peajaye and Marinka

Position One: Peajaye should have told Marinka immediately about his marriage, while simultaneously reassuring her that he only married that woman because he hadn’t met Marinka first and now that he thinks about it, he will terminate his present same-sex relationship of 20 years, because not being with Marinka is unbearable, even though she’s married and is getting a little flipped out by where this sentence is going.

Position Two: Some nonsense.

Ok, ok, Position Two for Real: Are we to assume that Britney Spears tells every mommy-blogger she meets on the web that she was once married to some guy for a few hours? If your answer is no, then you must see this double-standard for what it is: homotoxic (a phrase I just now coined and will soon be trademarking).

As Marinka and Peajaye are still getting to know each other, Marinka should consider this dating metaphor: When you go to a restaurant with your newly beloved, you do not eat everything on the table, or complain about past boyfriends, or fart in bed. You wait until after you move in to partake in these activities. The same goes for revealing personal past events in your life. As the Wicked Witch of the West once said: All in good time, my pretty, all in good time.

But there is an even larger issue at stake here, and that is: Is this really such a big deal? Lots of people get married and divorced. It’s not like Peajaye had his own stable of Sister-Wives. What will Marinka be demanding next: vaccination records, college transcripts, a birth certificate?

So, without revealing which one of us holds Position One and Position Two, please tell me what you think.

One year ago ...

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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }

Vicki
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 9:39 am

Is it wrong that I’m uncomfortable with you discussing sexual preferences and marriages in the same post as “position one and position two”?

Reply

Marta
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 9:42 am

First, I have no idea how you can be so funny. It seems like a crime.

Second, this is a tough one. While I completely feel like something like an ex-wife should have obviously come up before it is a slippery slope into demanding resumes, letters of recommendation and maybe a credit check before becoming someone’s friends. Actually, that might not be a bad idea, might weed out a couple of douchebags in the process.

Reply

Stacy
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 9:52 am

My dear Marinka, who gives a shit? I vote for Position None.
Now that I’ve straightened that out for you, onto the next I’m Right/You’re Wrong, because they are really, really funny.

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Marinka July 15, 2011 at 10:18 am

Oh, I can see the confusion. You thought this was one of those “think outside of the box” blogs.

No.

Position One or Position Two.

Make all marks heavy and black. On my soul.

Reply

Stacy
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 10:20 am

Okay: I choose whatever position makes you Right. Because I love you. And I’m a little afraid of you, too.

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Carol July 15, 2011 at 10:10 am

Okay, so as a lesbian (who was previously married), I have to say that I have a completely different position on this. First, I don’t tell everyone I meet that I am a lesbian, however, as a friendship grows, I do share about my sexuality. However, that being said I don’t always tell new friends about being married to a man before I came out, (although as a woman with kids, many assume there was a man involved at some point…lol). And THAT being said, only my very best friends know how MANY times I have been married to a man…shhhhh, not telling……
So I am on the side of revealing as a friendship grows, so Peajay should TOTALLY have told you by now since you have been friends for a few years…… Whose side an I on???

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Marinka July 15, 2011 at 10:20 am

You are on the side of reason and sanity, Carol. Reason and sanity. Bless your heart.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 6:40 pm

2 relevant numbers:
1: The number of times Marinka & I have talked on the phone.
0: The number of times Marinka & I have met face to face.

Reply

Marinka July 15, 2011 at 6:59 pm

I shudder to think about what you’ll disclose to me after we meet face to face.

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QuartCourt July 15, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Shouldn’t you assume he’ll disclose his stable of sister wives when you meet face to face?

Carol July 15, 2011 at 11:50 pm

But Peajaye, you started out in an online relationship with Marinka. The number of times you talked on the phone or met face to face is irrelevant in this situation. The number of communiques is what matters, and if the number of communiques exceeds, oh I don’t know, let’s say…….50, then marital disclosure was mandatory…..just sayin’…… ;-P

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OHmommy
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 10:55 am

Can I bill you for my dry cleaning? Spit up from laughing so hard and now my Lilly Pulitzer tunic is ruined.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 11:00 am

He absolutely should have told you. You told him about all your ex-husbands, right?

Reply

Megan July 15, 2011 at 11:02 am

Have you told him that you’re married?

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Marinka July 15, 2011 at 11:27 am

Shh!!

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Anthony from CharismaticKid
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 11:04 am

So wait…. this was an online-only relationship? And he didn’t tell you he’s BIsexual, and you thought he was HOMOsexual? Marinka my little mind can’t follow your stream of conscious thoughts this early in the morning! It’s 11am.

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b a seagull
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

You were very harsh with Stacy!

Reply

Tonya
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 1:11 pm

How was he supposed to tell you? It’s hard to take a position here when we don’t know what your conversations consisted of. Please make all files public and then we will decide.
(Please, Marinka, don’t hit me)

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Rainyday July 15, 2011 at 2:21 pm

No biggie. No you know and can move forward/factor that into future conversations and shenanigans.

But I have no emotional involvement so who am I to decide?

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pam July 15, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I think Marinka needs a vacation.

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Kati
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 2:54 pm

The way I see it, only two things could have possibly happened here – either he lied on question 42 of the mandatory “New Friend Questionnaire”, or you forgot to have him fill it out (even accepting the possibility of a 2 week grace period, you really should have gotten around to it by now).

If he lied, he’s a bad friend and this is all his fault. If YOU failed to have him fill out the questionnaire (though I really cannot imagine a scenario in which this would be the case, I must consider it for argument’s sake), then you may have to accept the fact that you will find out the intimate details of your friends’ lives little-by-little instead of all at once like you’re supposed to.

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anna see July 15, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Position one. Full disclosure. Now I think you need to stalk the ex (aka your rival) on Facebook.

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Suzy
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 3:45 pm

OH MY GOD AGAIN WITH THE CANCER.

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Sophie@Fabrications July 17, 2011 at 6:29 am

Damn right!

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Ilana
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 3:51 pm

I say Position One. Gay men are supposed to reveal past marriages at the onset of friendships with straight women. And straight women are supposed to reveal that one dream they had about Angelina Jolie.

Okay, maybe there were two.

Reply

eevie July 15, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Wait, forget about the positions, what is this about not eating everything on the table on your first date? I don’t like that, so I am anti-that-position.

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Wendi
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 5:37 pm

You mean the Peajaye you stole from me? I knew all about his past 16 years ago, my friend.

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Steph July 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I can’t wait for Marinka’s reply to this!

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Peajaye
Twitter:
July 15, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Am I now being accused of being promiscuous in the dispensing of my Gay-sidekick attentions?

Reply

Sophie@Fabrications July 17, 2011 at 6:31 am

The only way to get away from W and M pulling at you at the same time is to drop them and move on. Say, to me. If only because now M will put you on probationary suspended friendship, or something like that.

Reply

Zina July 16, 2011 at 3:20 am

The Google ad in my Reader for this post says “Make him addicted to you. Say this [hyperlink which I DID NOT CLICK] to make him want you like never before.”

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Becky
Twitter:
July 16, 2011 at 7:21 am

I’m going with option #1. It’s too easy to Google the truth these days anyway.

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annie July 16, 2011 at 10:23 am

Wait, i’m a little slow this morning. Is Wendi his ex-wife?

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Marinka July 16, 2011 at 10:24 am

No, silly. Wendi is Peajaye’s mother.

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Suniverse
Twitter:
July 17, 2011 at 10:36 am

I’d say complete and total information dump, that way you can get it all out of the way and start talking about important stuff, like what channel Will & Grace reruns are on.

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Stephanie Smirnov
Twitter:
July 20, 2011 at 3:50 pm

You never would’ve gotten into this mess if you had conducted a more rigorous hag interview at the onset of the relationship. All seasoned hags have question #1 memorized: “Have you ever been married to or known in the Biblical sense a person of the opposite sex?”

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Backpacking Dad July 25, 2011 at 1:18 am

He should deny having been married, throwing a blatant, transparent, yet nonetheless confusing lie into the mix that you have to deal with before you can get back to being mad about him never telling you he was married, which he wasn’t.

Position One?

Reply

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