It’s Spring! Let’s Lose Weight Together!

by Marinka on April 4, 2011

Hello, friends, and welcome to Spring!

And now that we’re all here, how about we commit to a new healthier lifestyle? We will get in shape and lose weight, so that when we don our bikinis and head into the ocean in a few months, our fellow beach goers won’t fear a tsunami.

The best part about this get in shape-and-lose weight program is that there is absolutely nothing to buy or subscribe to! As a matter of fact, you already know all the tools that we will employ, but I will discuss them in a way that will be totally relateable to you and your life!

Just think of me as Oprah. Without the millions. Or the hundreds thousands. The poor woman’s Oprah, if you will, if you can allow yourself to imagine such a horror.

Here we go!

Drink Water. It’s not your fault that Jesus turned it into wine!

Skip the Elevator. Whenever possible, take the stairs instead. Try to go to the top of the Empire State Building at least twice a day.

Load Up on Vegetables. You’ll know you’ve had enough when the broccoli in your supermarket starts screaming upon your approach.

Burn More Calories. I think this means that dinner’s not done until you see flames shooting out of the oven. Crispy!

Breastfeed as Long as Possible. If you weaned your child before you reached your ideal weight, resume the breastfeeding process now. Bonus! Hoisting a 90 pound middle-schooler on your lap is great triceps workout!

Walk More. Strap on a pedometer and get walking. Aim for 10,000 steps a day. To refill your water glass.

Do Your Workout First Thing in the Morning. Preferably in your sleep.

And don’t forget other successful weight losing tools, like getting your hair cut and shaving your legs. It all adds up!

Why now that I got this post off my chest, I feel lighter already!

Got any tips to share?

One year ago ...

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{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }

hokgardner
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I sleptwalked through my run this morning, so I’m already on my way!

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kirida
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I’ve been eating lots of high-protein, low-fat foods like white fish. I’ve been filling up on veggies, too. Plus, whenever I do stray from my diet, I really enjoy it. And I’ve lost 21 pounds since the beginning of the year.

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Megan April 4, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Contract a 24-hour stomach virus. Just be sure it’s during the week – don’t want to ruin the weekend.

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Marinka April 4, 2011 at 8:15 pm

I can’t believe I forgot about that. And that flesh eating disease.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 11:34 pm

I got food poisoning on Sat & lost 2 lbs by Sunday night.

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OHmommy
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Thanks Marinka! I am totally shaving my legs before NOLA.

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anna see April 4, 2011 at 6:05 pm

could you please send a note to my husband as to why i just breastfed a 10 and 12 yr old? thanks, coach!

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Z April 4, 2011 at 6:19 pm

I’ve got myself a foolproof weight loss plan this spring – it’s called having a baby 🙂

Because even though I’ll end up heavier than before the wee one starting growing inside me, her exit will at least ensure that I’ll be lighter than I am now! 😉

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Marinka April 4, 2011 at 8:19 pm

That’s fantastic! I’m so, so thrilled for you.

True fact: After my daughter was born, I weighed myself and I weighed more than I did when I was pregnant. It was one of those Medical Mysteries situations.

I’m sure that won’t happen to you and you’ll be Giselle.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 11:36 pm

I weighed the same before I delivered as I did when I got home from the hospital. I couldn’t believe that baby + goop = no weight loss for me.

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Joie April 4, 2011 at 6:32 pm

HAHA! I wonder if I could find random children on the street to breast feed? I mean, I have never had kids, so I am not sure how it will work. However, I am sure that the chasing of said child down, and then running from the police will be sufficient!

EW!!!

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Marinka April 4, 2011 at 8:16 pm

That sounds like a fantastic plan! Short sprints can only enhance our weight loss program.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 7:01 pm

i love the idea to start breastfeeding your middle schooler. Brilliant.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Your version of burning more calories will ABSOLUTELY work because it will have a direct correlation to how many calories one will consume (who eats burned food, after all?). Genius.

Might I also suggest finding an energetic activity that one actually enjoys? Personally, I’m ice skating. I have huuuuuge aspirations to get good enough to wear short sparkly skirts and look all poetic on skates. This will take a lot of work. But it’s way more fun than running nowhere fast on a treadmill. (Also, the delusions of grandeur do wonders for keeping up one’s mood.)

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Wendi
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Very funny! Just like http://Www.Wendiaarons.com!

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 7:28 pm

I’m sorry…I’m on the wrong site. I thought this was Motherhood in NYC but I see by the subject matter that there’s no way in HELL that Marinka would write this stuff.

My bad…

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Stasha
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Can we fix (do) it? Yes we can!! (payback for the wonder pets song I have been humming old day!)

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Peajaye
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Hey, you know what has a lot of calories and is expensive to boot? Alcohol! And once you stop drinking and have that overdue nervous breakdown, you’re sure to lose some extra weight in the loony bin! You’re welcome!

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Marinka April 4, 2011 at 8:21 pm

But the wine dulls the pain! Please don’t take the wine from me, mister.

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awesome dude April 4, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Ethnic food killed far more people then all the genocides and holocausts together.
Nobody needs as much food as it is consumed.
Cut one meal out of your day and you will see difference within a week regardless of whether you working out or not.
Good luck to all you fats.

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Melissa
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 8:36 pm

ACTUALLY – you are totally wrong. I agree about the amount of food consumed. BUT if you eat less than 1200 calories a day you will gain weight. Totally messes with the metabolism.

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Marinka April 4, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Ohnoyoudiidnt tell my papa that he was wrong!

Be afraid.

And I can’t believe you put quote marks around Holocaust.

::stirring the pot::

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Vicki
Twitter:
April 5, 2011 at 11:50 am

Thank you for addressing each of my fats individually!

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Scary Mommy
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 8:23 pm

We just discovered rats in our basement. Big ones. I haven’t eaten since. Seems like a diet plan I could actually stick to.

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Rima
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I heard that a Brazilian wax will shave off at least a pound and one pants size.

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Stephanie Smirnov
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 8:36 pm

You left out the most useful weight-loss tip of all: “Eat smaller, more frequent meals.” My advice is to combine selections from the orange food group throughout the day: e.g. Reese’s, Cheetos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish (oops, that’s a client. Sue me, FTC).

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Techbird April 4, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I was thinking about a tapeworm. Then you could still eat what you wanted.

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A Mommy in the City
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 9:39 pm

The stomach virus will do wonders for weight loss!

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Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 10:39 pm

It’s a well-known fact that tweeting burns calories.

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tracy
Twitter:
April 4, 2011 at 11:16 pm

I cut my fingernails. I feel lighter already.

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Alison
Twitter:
April 5, 2011 at 1:19 am

You forgot about sex! And having some!

As matter of fact, so did I! Here we go!

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Donna April 5, 2011 at 2:46 am

Stop eating chocolate. It just makes you fat. Instead, switch to chocolate-covered caramels. All of that chewing actually burns calories, kind of like celery.

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Mwa (Lost in Translation) April 5, 2011 at 8:05 am

Breastfeeding’s so not working for me. Probably because with every snack I think “I need to take in extra calories to produce milk.” Big mothering fail.

I like your programme – I’ll do that instead. Not sure if my six year old will agree to be put back onto breast milk, though.

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From Belgium April 5, 2011 at 8:41 am

You forgot : ‘clean out your purse’ for me it means at least five pounds less to drag along each day.

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Loukia April 5, 2011 at 9:21 am

You’re hilarious. I loved this:

Breastfeed as Long as Possible. If you weaned your child before you reached your ideal weight, resume the breastfeeding process now. Bonus! Hoisting a 90 pound middle-schooler on your lap is great triceps workout!

Haha!

I’ve started my diet. Glad we are in this together. I’m not eating carbs. Day 2 and I’m MISERABLE. I can’t do any ‘normal’ diets, though, I cheat all the time , and I need to lose A LOT before summer. I hate myself and all the food I inhaled this winter! Also, THIS is my reward for quitting smoking? Gaining 10 pounds? Damn. So tempted to take it up again…

Anyway! Yay diets! (*Crying so hard*)

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b a seagull
Twitter:
April 5, 2011 at 10:30 am

If anyone has a dental bridge, remove.

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Kimberly April 5, 2011 at 10:47 am

Chocolate is an appetite suppressant. It works for me.

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Miss Britt
Twitter:
April 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I finding pooping to be the most effective way to lose weight quickly.

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dusty earth mother April 5, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I’m just going naked all spring. Clothes weigh so much these days.

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Old School/New School Mom
Twitter:
April 5, 2011 at 2:44 pm

You know, that’s where I went wrong. I stopped breast feeding when Ari was a year old, and packed on 15 lbs. I really should have continued for the sheer delight of shedding the poundage.

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elizabeth-flourish in progress
Twitter:
April 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm

I got food poisoning several weeks ago. It worked better than any health plan I’ve been on in ten years. Also, whenever I see someone coughing in public, I try to stand close and catch his/her cold. Coughing is excellent for stomach definition.

A few years ago, I bought a mini trampoline at the sporting goods store and starting jumping on it every time I watched TV. If I wasn’t jumping on it, I couldn’t watch TV was my rule. I lost a few pounds and it lessened my cellulite. Forrealz.

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Fairly Odd Mother
Twitter:
April 5, 2011 at 9:34 pm

I tried that 10,000 step walking thing and it was a NIGHTMARE. I’d walk EVERYWHERE and look at my pedometer: “6000 steps”. Are you friggin’ kidding me? I only hit 10,000 steps ONCE and it was on a day that I went for a run, did yard work, went food shopping and basically never sat down. I think someone put too many zeroes in that suggestion.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
April 6, 2011 at 7:24 am

I was last seen in the wild in a bikini when Marky Mark was still a rapper.

Riding the elevator to the top of the Empire State Building made me exhausted.

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Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels
Twitter:
April 7, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Way ahead of you: I did a Tracy Anderson workout yesterday (that is still causing pain in all kinds of odd places), got a haircut today, and I’m sure my biceps got a good workout from stirring the muffin dough and lifting the tray in and out of the oven.

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Lady Jennie April 7, 2011 at 3:52 pm

guffaw!

Some good tips in there actually.

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